Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Sorry, also i may have this wrong, but I think that the fact that you are feeling like you can't bear to stay in the house is a good thing. I know it's really horrible, but by wanting that, you are resisting getting stuck and thinking about things being different. I know it's so so early though and really difficult.

Yes, that is what I will do, I will get a new camera for all the new memories.
The house is so tiny there is no way I can move furniture around. And there is such a lot to be done in this house, nearly everything to be replaced.
My heart has gone from this house now, there is far too much needing done to it, and I do not have the will. It feels like a shell. I want to move to somewhere newer for myself and youngest daughter. I genuinely feel when we do that we will start to recover better. However even though exh has said I can have the house, I am sure he means for me just to live in and not to sign the title deeds over to. That will need to get sorted, but there will be a battle, of that I am sure.

I think Mrs M that very reason is why people on here were encouraging you to get on with the divorce and perhaps were pushing too much for you at the moment. It was concern about your financial freedom.

I think you may be right about the house. I am sure your H is thinking exactly that, letting you stay there, giving you an allowance, its all still controlled by him totally, makes him feel magnanimous and gives you absolutely no freedom, independence or ability to move forward at all. The thought of that for you makes me furious on your behalf.

It's very difficult and I think you will need your solicitors help on this because if its a battle, then it's one you want a professional to be having on your behalf.

Dearest Mrs M ... I know you recently said that you are going back to the GP to change the AD meds, and I do think that really is an urgency now.
When we start to think that our most precious girls would be better off without us, that isn't sensible thinking but it is an absolute indicator for your depression and you really really do need to sort it out.
Please promise me you will go.

Depression starts as a reaction, but becomes a chemical imbalance, and all the trying in the world isn't going to help that. Its why you cannot get off the treadmill of these black repetitive thoughts. Your GP needs to know just how badly you feel, and you do need to tell him you felt as those the girls would be better without you. Its an important symptom. Once he changes your meds, you should start to improve and the black thoughts will go away. You are not "not coping" .... you have all the symptoms of depression which isn't being treated adequately.

Please, please Mrs M .... call your GP in the morning.
x x x x x

MrsM - you know that your girls need you, of course they would not be better off without you... their life has been turned upside down once already and they need you around to help them and to be there for your daughter and granddaughter.

You DO have a future and the future is your granddaughter, the next generation, an innocent child who will need her granny around. Or Nan or Nana? What name are you going to be known by, have you given it any thought? :) My mum was going to be Gran, but DD couldn't say gran and it just became Nana by DD's own choice..

Regarding the house, you must do what is right for you. If my DD was older then i would think about moving too, but for now I want the garden for her, but not the work that goes with it :(

Don't worry about what your XH is missing. I have cried a lot of tears over family holidays and days out and family events that XH missed, but as people told me, I shouldn't be crying over what he is missing because it is HIS CHOICE to miss it.

Stay strong, get your meds checked and believe that you will get through this. Never ever think that you won't. Accept that it will be a while, but you will get there.

MrsM only just seen your message above, please please go back to your GP tomorrow and tell them how bad u are feeling, stick with it, you've got through the past few weeks, you'll get through tomorrow, then concentrate on the next day, before u know it, it will be September and you're new grandchild will be here, you'll feel happy then, you'll be too busy helping to worry about your ex.
Got to go now, up early for work, but hope you manage to sleep tonight, and sending loads of hugs and support to you, its not easy at all getting through divorce and separation, but we'll both do it, for our children, and we'll concentrate on making us the best people we can be, so we're better for our children and grandchild for you :) xxx

Mrs M, hope you are at GPs and doing a little better this morning.

Me too, Mrs M. Let us know!

I am going to be off the radar a bit all week, as am caring for DGS, but should be back on Friday (if not collapsed in a corner with exhaustion!)
Will try to post if I can!
Stay strong

Good morning mrsmciver

Another one, come on here to see how you are.

Yes, you'll be gran or grannie or nana before long!

Am reminded of the well loved poem or song, "Ye cannae shove yer granny aff a bus", with the line Ye cannae shove yer granny, for she's yer mammy's mammy, in the first verse, but in the second it says,
You can shove yer other granny, for she's yer daddy's mammy (clearly someone with MIL issues).

PS Where's the sun gone?

Hey Donkeys, will ye be needin 'a jeely piece n aw'!
That was good, thanks for that! Not heard that in a while!

I am going to the docs tomorrow everyone and thank you all so much for your concern, it does help, but when that black cloud takes over oh my god it won't budge. Definitely need the meds upped without a doubt, even in this state I know it myself.

My eldest daughter, who is having a baby in September, was crying on the phone to me last night. She was trying to be strong but she felt the same as me when we were all looking at the baby things yesterday. There was someone missing. I could see it in her face when we were all choosing things. And she told me she could see it in me too, even though I never let on and she never let on to me either. But each of us knew what the other thought. It should be such a joyous time but it has been marred by him leaving. She told me she will never forgive him for doing this at such a time, same as my youngest has said too she will never forgive him for doing this at the start of her exams.
That man is a coward. Putting himself before his daughters, what a horrible cowardly cruel man.

Have been out for a little while today with my sister, she is a tower of strength, and helps to keep me sane! well, saner.....She says it how it is. And calls him all the names of the day, and says I am well rid of him(and she brings up a whole list of things he has done) and it makes me think...But then when I am on my own I get silly and I miss him. And I panic very badly. Apparently going over and over things is post traumatic stress disorder? I don't know. Even my hair has started to come out a bit now and that is unusual for me, as I have thick hair.

Joy5, Mumn, Skye, thank you for all your continued support, it does mean a lot to me, the amount of times your posts have got me through you will never know.

Oh, and I will be called Granny!!

(can granny's wear skinny jeans??)

Granny can wear what she likes!!

MrsM - it took me a long time to stop going over and over everything. I kept saying "nothing changes anything"... I tried to think of something else to think about instead and that was the only thing that stopped me eventually. But when your H walks out with no warning, no real reason, and gives you a million reasons why, you have to dissect every single one and clear it from blame. then you do it again and again and again.

and do you know what? nothing changes anything! H is still gone, H is still being a prick, and you are right back at square one...

that was my experience of it. it's like Groundhog day over and over again.

You are lucky that your DD's are old enough to make up their own minds about their father. You cannot be accused of influencing them in their feelings, they are old enough to know what they are doing and thinking.

It must be so sad for both of them, but that is why they need you here, and you will all help each other through it.

Groundhog Day, that is it exactly. Waking up, feeling physically sick with the pain of it, trying to get through the day, not wanting to be here, the pain, never was there such pain. Missing him, telling yourself not to, he is a scumbag, the pain again, missing him so much it's hard to breathe. Desperate to phone, can't phone. Youngest daughter breaking her heart at night too, knows she has failed most of her exams, trying to comfort her, and the pain......it chokes you, drowning in it.

It has been like that nearly every day for 8 weeks now. I thought he was a good man, yep he had faults, we all do, but never did I believe he was capable of this. Never did I think he would do this to his daughters and to put himself first and foremost?

My little grandaughter is better of without him if he can do things like that, isn't she? We all are really.

Hang in there xxx

mrsm - I have had more hassle off my XH putting himself and his friends before DD. This was the man who would do anything for me, anything for her. i dont recognise him any more. Its like he changed head and heart the day he left for good.

They become so selfish its unbelievable. Try and hold on to that thought. He is selfish. He is not the man you thought he was.

Don't let him drag you down. Don't let him ruin your life or your daughters. She may have done better than she thinks.

The pain is awful, but you can and will get through it. You are so much better than him.

It's like there is someone else wearing their body isn't it? And yet did we know when that switch took place?
Did yours look disgusted when you went near him skye? I will never forget that look. That is why I can't see him too. I do not want anyone to look at me with such disgust again. Mind you, I was hanging off him, totally lost my dignity. I haven't spoken to him in about 4 weeks now and it is the only way to protect myself.
I really hope I am better than him, I really hope so.

Skye/MrsM:

I came across this link the other day.

Wishing you both strength x

Sky, I am not sure they "become selfish ". They always were, but now they have moved the object of their 'wants'.

Keep on MrsM.

There is an excellent book you might consider

Getting past your break up by Susan Elliott

Mrs M, you are better than him, thats a given.

Skye, that's exactly it, you can't understand how this cold, hard faced, unapproachable person can possibly be the same person who was kissing and cuddling you a few days/weeks before and you drive yourself crazy.

What your and Mrs M's ExHs do in putting themselves before the DDs is the most shocking to me. It must be the worst part in some ways and the most difficult to understand. Sorry, not articulating this very well.

You really don't want the man who could do that anywhere near you.

Mrs M, I totally get the hanging on his arm thing and that sense of desperation, I did that too and worse (he wouldn't take my phone calls, so I turned up at his office and waited in reception to try and get him to speak to me (not making a scene) he walked in from lunch with OW, wouldnt talk to me and had me literally thrown in the street by his office security - it's now many years later, but that humiliation and the look he gave me still has the power to make me cringe when nothing else from that time affects me at all). You are absolutely correct that the best way for you is to keep your dignity and protect yourself and you are doing so well to do that.

Mrs M, your poor DD. Does your DD's school/college know what has happened at home? In my experience they will usually bend over backwards to help her in case of poor results. If you/she can't face speaking to them perhaps a family member can help.

I hope the GPs goes well today.

Lambzig
What a rotten incident to have happened to you Im not surprised it still affects you. You dont forget those kind of things in a hurry do you.

Mrs M hope you are feeling a little better today and you get on okay at the GP's.

Was at the doctors this morning, she has doubled the dose of my meds.
I have been out with my mum and dad for a while.
Sorry, I am not feeling any better yet. I miss that man so very badly. It is like my very soul has gone, I miss him unbearably, so much that I feel I could die with it. He doesn't deserve this grief, and I am not showing him it but I could die with it I really could. As time goes on it gets worse not better.
How on Gods earth do I cope with this? I am struggling badly.
xxx
I know I sound pathetic, but everything that I am posting here is my honest thoughts, I am not pretending to 'feel' anything that is not true. I can't pretend to feel better when I am anything but. Thank you for all your patience. Please do not go, please hang in there with me. xxx

Yes the school knows about my daughters cowardly, weak scumbag of a father.

However in the event of a parent leaving I do not think we can appeal exam results. Only in a bereavement. But this is devastating too for her.
If ( and she is fairly sure she has failed quite a few), then I will do my best to get the school on side to appeal her case.
Bastard, bastard shit of a low life scumbag that he is. Sorry.

MrsM - I posted my honest thoughts too because I had to get them out and I posted a lot of what you post, word for word sometimes. I am so sorry that I can't do anything to take it away from you. I understand only too well how much it hurts. The only thing I can do is to keep on telling you that it WILL get better, it DOES get better.

We are here for you to rant and rave and cry and get it all out. Nobody is going to say forget about him and move on, because it just doesnt work like that. Yes, that is the ultimate goal obviously, but nobody expects you to do it in five minutes.

But what we do want to do, is to encourage you to stay positive, look at all the good things that you do have. Allow yourself time to mourn, but dont wallow in it. Easier said than done, but been there, done that, only recently took off the t-shirt.....

I am now getting better by the day though now. The way that my XH is behaving now, just shows more and more what a selfish prick he is, who doesnt deserve a woman like me, or a DD like DD! I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. I met him on Sunday to get DD back as I was out, and I just opened the boot for him to put the stuff in and totally ignored him.

I still mourn the loss of family life and I fear the future at times, but I also know that long term, I WILL be OK, that I WILL meet somebody else one day, when the time is right.

I can really recommend the Reiki healing. It has helped me to feel a lot "lighter" emotionally.

its really rotten what has happened to you and I understand some at least of the awful way you feel.

Nothing and no-one can make it feel better straight away, I understand that too.

But this is very early days for you and like Skye says it will get better, it does get better. One day you wont give a s**t about your Ex, believe me. But the road to getting to that stage is a different timescale for everyone and takes as long as it takes. At this stage you really probably should just concentrate on looking after yourself and your daughter and getting through the days. Once you are past that stage you can look at rebuilding your future and even looking forward.

You are doing okay lassie, just feeling what is normal after such a shock.
Try and be strong - it aint easy for sure x

Have had Reiki healing a few weeks ago. It was good at the time, and made me cry. Mind you, everything makes me cry!
I am better when I am angry, now I am so grief stricken and lonely I can't bare this. Wish I was angry again.
I want to die, I just want to die. I just want to die. My heart is so broken, and it is too much, too much for me. I want my life back, I am not strong enough for this.
Why has this happened? Why? I want to curl up and die. I am all broken.
I want my husband back, where did he go?