Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Hi Mrs M

Sounds awful I know but you just have to go through it.

You will come out the other side, but it takes time. You have your family and they will be there for you.

Fresh air and lots of it - that will help :)

MrsM - I did that for months and still do sometimes, although try and stop myself pretty quick now...

It is only natural for all the what if's and if only's. At the end of the day, I would have done anything to save my marriage, even after finding out about the deceit (initially).

What upsets me the most, is that he made the decision on his own, without discussing it with me.... but that decision was made by the head/heart of a man who was emotionally involved with another woman...

The grass is not greener and these men will find out one day, when they are living with another partner with all the stress of every day life.

My XH copped out of family life and left me to deal with everything, exactly the same as yours has done.

We are the strong ones, we are the ones who will see it through and come out the other side.

Mrs M - you are not going to understand, because it is simply not possible to get into their heads. Even if they explain, it makes no sense to the woman left behind. It is a question you always come back to ....and I think all of us who have walked this path came back to it repeatedly. There is no answer that you will ever understand.
Please - if you can - try to benefit from our accumulated misery, and try to put the question in its place, with the other things that are simply beyond our comprehension. Not easy, we know, .... but you have a head start.

I am sorry if I scared you No, you will not feel like this for the next three years ... day by day, week by week, you will move forward a little. Eventually there will come a day when you don't think about him at all, and then there will be several when he is just not a part of your thoughts. Then you will have a dire day when you sit down and all the old thoughts come flooding back ...... BUT after some length of time (and it was 3 years for me, after a similar length of marriage) most of your life, and almost all of your days, will not be overshadowed by what-if and why's. I am not saying you will ever stop hurting, or hating him for what he has done, but you do stop picking the scab.

As for whether he will ever think: Oh f* what have I done ..... yes, I think he will. At some point, when he discovers the grass isn't really any greener on the other side of the fence, and he has lost his daughters, his decent stable life, and all that went with it. But Mrs M .... if he came crawling back at that point would you really want him? really??

I don't think so, and that is the element you have to hang on to at the moment. You want the "good man" that didn't do this ... and, as I discovered with mine, they didn't exist. They cheated, lied and schemed long before they left. You wouldn't really want the reality if he came back and offered you diamonds.

Hang on to those feelings, and guess where I am going to tell you to stick them

As for feeling guilty ..... God Mrs M I would like a penny for every time I thought it was all my fault. If I had been a better wife, a better lover, less focussed on being a mother, less active and more at the kitchen sink ..... you can beat yourself up for ever, but the fact is it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference. We were in it for life ...they weren't. How could anything you did or didn't do, change that.

Like me, you say you had no real inkling this was coming and no knowledge that he was cheating. If we were really screwing up our marriages, wouldn't they have sat down and talked about it. The only thing you are guilty of Mrs M, is being conned into thinking he was one of the good guys Like me. And Skye.
Mumsnet jury says "not guilty"!!!!!
Have some flowers for winning your case
x x x

I wanted to offer you some proof that what you are feeling is normal, Mrs M, so have just gone rifling through my "treasures box" which has a mass of bits in it that I have kept for sentimental value, or because they have real meaning to me. Everything from the first mothers day cards from daughters, to a letter sent to me by a friend about 6 weeks after the shit hit the fan in my marriage ..... and after a long very tearful phone call with her, earlier in the week.

I pinned it on my own fridge and it stayed there for months. Actually until I moved.

Here is an extract ......

I could not believe what you were saying, or that you have been brought so low. Where is the woman I know? I have questions. First, why on earth would you want him back - he is an arsehole. He always was an arsehole. Second, what has happened to your self-esteem? .....are you really saying that without him you are worth nothing? is that going to be the legacy you want to live with? thats just not you, Xxxxx. Third, what kind of a model are you giving to Xxxxxxxxx and Xxxxx? Do you want them to grow up thinking that if you don't have a man you might as well be dead?
Xxxxx you know I love you, but you have to get a grip. You have got to start fighting back

Actually, re-reading has taken me back to places I don't want to go. Because I did feel just like you do, and actually did want to die. Even I had forgotten how bad it was.
The letter helped. A lot. There is a lot more, but it all gets a bit personal from there on in. It shook me up because she told me the truth, and I was hiding from it.

I hope sharing it helps. If it does, feel free to lift it for your own fridge (though it might be getting a bit crowded)
x

Mrs M, please don't panic, it will get better. You don't want your old life back because the man you lived with wasn't the person that you thought

Firstly, I know it's hard not to obsess on the why and what you could have done, but Mumngran is right, you will never understand it. I am a champion obsessor and keep myself up at night worrying and obsessing on things. I have learnt to take a deep breath and say to myself, "no, I am not thinking about that right now" and try to switch off. Takes some practice, but it works and you have your lovely daughters and granddaughter to think of.

Secondly, I know it sounds trite, but its not you, it's him. You could look like Elle McPherson, have a career like Karen Brady, cook like Nigella and be Belle du Jour in the bedroom and it wouldn't make any difference, because his decision to leave is about HIM and being selfish, not about you. Of course he may say otherwise, but he left because he wanted to.

Thirdly, I truly believe that when, not if, when you come out of this (and by the way 27 months is much nearer two years and everyones timetable is different), you will be happy again, perhaps more happy, I know I was.

What you aren't seeing at the moment as you are going through this is that in your posts you come over as warm, open, intelligent and even funny in the middle of all this and you clearly love your family. All of those things will help you through it.

PS Mumngran, I wish someone had sent me that letter at the time, my friends thought I should do everything to get him back.

A new baby coming in September, your DD1 will need all your love and help, your other DD will want to feel included, your grandchild will see your face and love you and not know about granddad who scarpered off. Don't look back, stay in the moment knowing this pain will pass, you have so much to give and receive, look forward to.

It may not feel like it tonight but he is a stupid flawed human being who shouldn't hold that much power over you, meantime you get to the next life stage. The next generation arrives at summer's end and you are going to be there to welcome them.

MrsM - I have had a session of Reiki today and I can highly recommend it for helping with your emotions. I cried a lot and she said that she can feel it all bottled up around my heart and that it needs to come out so that I can move on. I am going to have another session.

how are you today?

Hi Mrs M ..... how are you doing this evening?

Just worrying about you

Hi Ladies ...... hope you are all OK. Just wanted to check if I am being silly to feel a bit worried about Mrs M.

Mrs M .......would love to think you are having a great couple of days and an evening out ....... but my vibes are twitching

MnG - I hope that MrsM is ok too. I haven't heard from her today.

wish I wasn't such a worrier ... I am sure she is fine.

Hope you're out enjoying the sunshine, take care.

Oh ladies am sorry for not getting back to you, have been very very down the last few days, will be going to the docs on Tues to see about getting my meds upped as am starting to get too too low again, and I know that is not right.

Did not want to come on here and be saying really scary things, would frighten people and didn't want to do that. But have just logged on now and seen the lovely messages and am so sorry for vanishing like that but am wondering now how I am going to live the rest of my life without my exh, miss him dreadfully right now. I honestly know that he is no good for me but the ache is unbearable and can't see how I will ever go through my life with him not being here. I do not think he is with the ow, he wants something else though, and he is living at his mums and saving up to buy his own house to get 'more'.

But he has lost everything. His daughters are not speaking to him, he is not trying that hard to speak to them either. I think he thinks that they will come round eventually, and that is why he is not trying that hard.

He texted me the other night wanting to come up for his sunglasses and a suitcase for his hols, the hols we were meant to be going on and that he is now going on with his pal. I texted him back saying his glasses were accidentally binned (i binned them when I was clearing out his stuff!) and that I would be using the suitcases that week, (I am not, but don't want him to know that, and why the hell can he not buy his own case now?).

He was also asking if I was putting in the new boiler and bathroom on my own and was I needing his help? And he was also wanting me to tell him how the girls were as they were not getting back to him. I didn't reply, as in the previous text I told him no more contact unless in an emergency. Anyway it is up to him as to how he interacts with his daughters, I will not mediate in any way now. It is better for my recovery if I have no contact but by God this is killing me. Would never wish this on anyone. There are times I think I could lay down and die just with a broken heart.

I am so tired with this life. I do not want this anymore. I guess maybe I never knew how fortunate I was before? But yet, I never did take it for granted, I honestly didn't, I always knew I had a decent life, yes I had ill health but was lucky in so many other ways. Now it is a scary road, am not sure I can travel it, not sure I have the strength to fight anymore. It is so bloody hard. xxx

Tiresome oaf hope his luggage goes AWOL in transit.

I can't imagine what you are going through but please don't look too far ahead, concentrate on you and DDs and a day at a time. Tt isn't sticking your head in the sand, I know there is serious stuff to get through, but for now please look after yourself, if you are frightened in the wee small hours try here or talk to The Samaritans, don't be alone.

thanks for the PM and thanks for updating us.

I honestly thought that I wouldnt be able to live without my XH as I loved him so much, but here I am 12 months later, still going... I dont deny that I still have sad times. One thing that came out of the Reiki is that I am so godamn sad all the time :(

but I promise you that it Will GET BETTER, IT does GET BETTER. but you are still in the early stages and just cant see it yet. I read my early threads now and can see how far I have come.

We are all still here for you, and if you dont feel like posting thats ok, but we were just a little concerned.

Please PM me any time. I will always try and respond as long as I am able to.

Thank you Donkeys and skye,

I have never gone this long before without speaking to him, since I was 15 years old. It is unbearable it really is. I honestly thought he really really loved me, I did. Knew there was something wrong the last month, but not the absolute break up of my marriage! I am so heartbroken, miss him, stupid stupid me.

All that history, all the memories of our life together. All gone, he is not here, it has vanished. I want to vanish too, it would be so much easier.

I am here because I promised my family and friends I would be.

Hello Mrs M
So glad that you are back with us (and forgive my PM ...have now caught up with you here, so will stop being such a worryguts!)

I hear how sad you are, and think going back to the GP is a really good move ......but Mrs M, I also hear how strong you are being at the moment. Really, so much stronger than you were a few weeks ago. You have drawn a no contact line, and stuck to it. You have refused to act as mediator! you have said "stuff you, buy your own suitcase!"

I know you are sad tonight, but this is all so, so, positive. It doesn't feel like it, but you have come so far.

Sending very unmumsnetty

Yes more hugs ((( ))) . You have been through the wringer and no mistake and sadly there are no short cuts. It hurts to look back. If the future is scary, focus on now, painful as it is. Hope you are eating when you can, (something nutritional now and then if not sit down meals) and getting some sleep, it is vital, you can't run on empty.

after XH left, I existed for several weeks on just half a banana and half a sandwich a day, with loads of water and a multivitamin each day. It wasn't by choice, I just couldn't eat anything. I told myself that I would be fine as long as I kept drinking water.

You are doing well with the no contact unless emergency and by not dancing to his tune.

You have your granddaughter to look forward to, that is your future and that is what will keep you going.

I made myself really ill! When it happened, didn't eaten for days, and then decided at 3 o'clock one morning (wasn't sleeping either) that I would have the ultimate comfort food .....and ate half a tin of condensed milk, with a teaspoon.
The sugar hit a totally depleted system .....and turned me into a hyperactive gibbering loon (well, maybe I was already a gibbering loon {confused] )literally bouncing off the walls.
Scary stuff.

....I do now recount the story with some humour, though!

I am just about surviving. I find no joy in anything now. It is a terrible thing to say but I really cannot bear this grief. Life is too hard and I think my girls would actually be better if I was not here anymore. I am such a misery to be around, I am bringing all my family and friends down as I can't pick myself up at all now. It is all black, nothingingness.
I am not going to do anything silly as I promised I wouldn't. I can't stand this house, I need to move. Have no strength to deal with all this stuff.
I have no future. That has gone. He may as well have stuck a knife in me.

Oh Mrs M, you do have a future. I am so so sorry you are having such a tough weekend, I wish I could come and hold your hand.

One thing you must understand is that your girls would not be better without you, they both love you so much, but need you right now. Your elder daughter will need you especially in September and you will want to be there for her. I had my babies in my forties and still spent a few hours sobbing when they were born that my mother was not around.

You are grieving and you are mourning, it's horrible and you will look back on this as a horrible bleak time, but you will get through it.

Can you take solace from the fact that in the middle of this bleakness you are making good choices, your decisions around your ex's communications was absolutely spot on.

Can you get away at all, stay with a friend for a couple of days? I think possibly a change of scene may help a little.

Oh Lambzig I wish i could! And thank goodness you are on line. My youngest daughter starts back school tomorrow so I can't.
I wish I could be anywhere but here though. It is this house, it is too much to sit in. It is only a little house but it is where all the memories are, we chose everything together.

Daft things are going through my mind. I want a new mattress, can't bear the one that I am lying on, would rather a new bed but can't afford that. And a new camera? The old one has too many memories attached to it. There are photos on it that I should get developed from previous but I cannot bear to look at them and I need to get photos of my grandaughter to be. So I think a new camera is a must.

All the family was choosing things today for the baby's nursery. Everyone was there but exh, and that made me sad. I didn't show it at the time but my heart was breaking and I came home and just started sobbing so hard that I thought I was going to burst. He is going to miss it all, I honestly do not think he realises it but he is losing so much. And for what? For what?
xxx

Well he is going to miss so much, and I can see why that upsets you, but you are not going to miss out and you will need to step up to fill the gap for your daughter. You really can't use your energy trying to figure out why he has done this, it's just too draining.

Ok, so if you can't move, and can't get away, can you change the house a little. I totally get why you would want a new mattress, is that possible? For the bedroom, can you perhaps paint a different colour, get new sheets and duvet cover, move the furniture around? Anything to make it your space. Same for the sitting room, anything you could do to make it different? Your space instead?

I think a new camera is a brilliant idea. A new camera for all your new memories.