Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Im sorry youve had bad health Mrs M and you had to give up working. what I said wasnt a criticism of you personally but more an observation of what happens when a marriage ends and one of the couple holds the purse strings and so holds the financial power. Makes things very difficult for the disadvantaged party.

I suppose you need to formulate a plan of action in what you want to achieve financially. Very difficult I know when you are feeling so bloody crap and anxious.

Unfortunately no one and nobody can make it all better and make all the bad stuff go away overnight. It takes time. But there will come a point when you will feel differently.

What I think I am trying to say is that the decisions you make now and the action you take will affect your life for years to come so you must, must get the best advice and take control yourself. If you dont then you may live to regret it. Sorry to sound so melodramatic but it is so important.

Yes am getting panicky about it all, about everything now. Sitting another night on my own, worried sick about all the legalities, worried sick about my daughters, worried sick about every damn thing.
Another Saturday night on my own, am so sick of it all, everything is too much, even sitting here feels too much right now.
I do not want to be dependant on him, I hate him, do not want him to call the shots.
The lawyer does say it would be better though if I have a monthly alimont, I understand what you are all saying, but I think it is because of my health the lawyer is saying that. I will speak to him again on Monday, but he does seem to know what he is talking about, he is very high up in a huge law firm.

Just read this thread and want to send Mrs lots of encouragement. You are so brave, just remember you have your lovely daughters who will never betray you...a grandchild on the way....lots of good stuff to focus on. It's happened to me so I know how you feel, people used to say to me 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger', then give me a stupid smile and think that was the end of it, I'd be ok.The rage is the last emotion to go.
Keep on fighting for yourself and your self-worth,don't stress about the future too much.Keep posting on here, you need all these supportive women right now!

Oh no, hope nobody thinks I am criticising, I am not, and I realise what you are all saying, I have thought about starting divorce proceedings.....
Will need to give this a lot more thought. Family are all together tomorrow so we will all put our heads together and think this through some more. I don't want to start something and then regret it because my head was full of mush and I am not thinking right, which these days is often the case.
Plus am on the anti d's (and combined sleeping pills) which make me very foggy for a lot of the day too. So do not trust my own judgement too much right now.
One thing I do know for sure,

HE IS A LYING, CHEATING SCUMBAG OF A MAN.

Och well, made me feel a bit better!!

so so so normal Mrs. Doesn't make it one iota better, but at least you don't need to sit there thinking that you are useless, or having a breakdown, or coping any worse than anyone else.
Its trite to say I would like a pound for the Saturday nights (and every other damn night) I spent feeling as you do. But it is absolutely true.
You are still at the very beginning of this process and you are going to flounder on a fairly frequent basis. As you start to recover, the times between flounders get longer.
As Skye always says, get through this hour .... or the next five minutes if its a really bad day.

I have one real positive to give you, drawn from what I know you believe is a negative. For the first time, your poor health is going to work for you. The fact that you are unable to work means that the judge must take that into account when deciding on what your X is going to have to pay. A good lawyer is going to milk that for every penny, and it is the only reason I can think of that they are taking the tack that they are i.e you are being divorced by your husband, effectively leaving you with no possible means of supporting yourself.

Its going to be OK Mrs M.
Not today, not tomorrow but it really will be OK
hug

Even though I have friends and family, I still feel very alone, very, very alone. Nobody knew me like he did, and it will never be like that again.
He knew EVERYTHING about me, I obviously did not know everything about him.
Do you think it will be ok Mumn? Am not sure anymore, not sure about anything anymore, I have this horrible feeling I am not going to be ok?
Call it premonition, instinct, whatever. I loved him so so much it hurt, and I can't imagine feeling like that again.
Even a lot of my friends I have had since childhood, where do I go to meet other men? Nowhere, my friends are married, their friends are married, I was married. I do not know what to do with myself anymore.
xxx

Can you get out and do something nice tomorrow?Even a walk along the street to get a paper? Start small, and you'll see how you get yourself back.I did this after my hubby bailed out suddenly after 28 years. (With him since 17, now 45)Used to have money, broke now.
It's been 2 years but still in same house, trying to sell:( Please try to be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes

Oh mumcow, I am so sorry, would never wish this on anyone. I feel for you. Do you have children? Then we have to get up every day for them. We have to do it, but it is awful and draining and tiring trying to sort out 'stuff' that has to get done. I will never forgive my exh for putting us through this with no warning. It was cold, callous and cruel. Even my lawyer said that the speed with which my ex done it was very callous and cruel, and he has seen it all.
I hope you get your house sold soon, it will help you to move on with your life. xxx

Yes Mrs M I really fo think it really will be OK

You are probably sick of us saying it, but truly we have all felt the way you are feeling. We didn't wake up the day (or week, or month, or year) after it happened to us and feel fine, start dating, or do anything than other than what you are doing. Feel very appropriately sorry for yourself, and scared of the future.

It takes time to get used to aloneness. My biggest fear was that - having been through the death of my first born - no-one else but my X would know why I would cry in the night, sometimes, or be upset by a particular piece of music. I knew no-one else would understand.
I would at myself in the mirror, see the normal signs of ageing, and truly think that I could never be loved by anyone else. I was too old, too ugly, too stupid .....

The reason it will be OK for you Mrs M, as it was for me, is because you are going to learn to love yourself. Thats maybe the most important of really important amazing things that you are going to learn in the next year or so. You are going to learn that you don't need a man.
Which means that when you ARE ready to meet someone else, you will be looking at someone for the right reasons .... not just because that person will stop you feeling lonely

lovely post there mumngran and thank you for your kind words.

MrsM - you will get through this because you have a granddaughter to look forward to. you have the love and support of your girls.

as mum says - you will meet somebody again one day, when you are ready. I hold on to that thought. In the meantime, yes it is lonely. But as a good friend pointed out to me the other day, better to be lonely on your own than lonely in bad company.

Have another discussion with your solicitor about starting the divorce yourself, ask why it would cost so much. Don't worry about us though, you have to do what is best for you.

MumnGran

Your last post says it all really.

Mrs M hope you are feeling a bit better this morning x

Every day I wake up and it all hits me again, it is like a kick in the head every single morning. I do not want him back, I do not like him, I do not trust him, but I miss what might have been, I did not see how bad he could be.
I am tired and sick with all the heartache, despair, worry over my children, worry over the finances. 7 weeks ago, my life changed drastically, it was all ripped apart, my husband morphed into someone I did not see or recognise, my comfortable life collapsed.
I have to try and get on with things, it is like wading through treacle such a lot of the time.
He will be going on the holiday we booked together soon, with his friend, he will not want to lose any money on that. Here I am, like this, and he is thinking of his summer hols, says it all really.
How are all you lovely ladies today?

I hope your family are with you today Mrs M and that you are doing ok.

Please do try and stop thinking about what your ex is doing, it's not anything you can control, you won't know what he is thinking and it will be using all your energy.

If you are feeling lonely at any point, can you think of something you couldn't do when your ex was around (such as something you liked to eat that he didnt or time to read a book) and something you had to put up with and hated (the endless flipping football and Saturday final scores was mine, I hate football) and then go and do the thing you like and/or enjoy not having the annoying thing. Being lonely is horrid, but there can be something very enjoyable in being alone, can you please try and see if you can find a positive in it?

Your husband did not know everything about you. He thought he could just turn up and get his books and ride over your wishes and you showed him he can't. He thinks he can dictate what he pays you and what financial settlement you will get and he can't because you are getting legal advice. He thinks he can control you still (the effing rabbit for heavens sake) and he cant. He is seriously underestimating you.

You may feel that you are crumbling on the inside, but you are coping, you are protecting your girls and you are getting advice, counselling, support and love. From what you say about the inlaws, he won't be getting any of that and he won't think you will be doing as well as you are.

Just a well done from me and for what you have achieved.

I am afraid, I feel very afraid tonight, and lonely too. Have all this evening on my own and I don't think I can handle it. I can't believe this has happened. What on earth has happened in the last few weeks? I feel like I am about to get hysterical over it all. My chest and throat is so blocked with all the unshed tears. Feel like I am going to burst with the grief. My life feels ruined. What happened to my life? Where did it go?

MrsM, cry, it is ok to cry. It lets everything out, but also try and focus on something else. Do you have a friend to talk to, somebody you can ring up for a chat. PM me if you want somebody to talk to off of here.

I know how you feel. I have had more tears today because my XH is a prick and I will never be free from him as long as DD is growing up and has contact with him.

Let yourself cry, it will do you good

Oh Skye, am so pleased you are on. I can't do this, I love, miss and hate him at the same time. I am being so bad tempered today with family members too and that is not like me. There are certain things I don't know what to do for the best. I am getting advice here there and everywhere. How can he really love me forever one month and the next he acts like he can't stand the sight of me. What on earth happened? I want to howl from the rooftops, I want the world to stop. Why does it keep turning? I just want to die, not because of him, yes, because of him, I hate him, I love him, I detest him. He is cruel, cold, selfish, the most detestable thing ever. Why am I grieving over him? I hate him so much.

MrsM , I feel the same although the live is all but gone now.

But yes, how can a man change so quickly. My XH sent me the usual really loving Vhristmas Card then two months later claimed he hadn't loved me for quite some time. It's obvious to me that he changed after getting obsessed with OW but if course he can't see it.

They are inhuman in their feelings and the way that they relate to us once they make their mind up.

You will get through this I promise you.

Just focus in the good things ahead of you, your granddaughter, your daughters, you have do much to look forward to

I do not understand how he could change so quickly. I knew all of March there was something wrong, but I had a lovely valentines card with a lovely message in it just before that. How can he change so much in such a short space of time?
I do not understand. I am so upset. How could he be so stupid? He has thrown everything away.

I'm wondering if it may be an idea to ask various family members to sit with you in the evenings? I don't know how well that would go down, but it sounds like you have a supportive family who would do this?

My ex came from a culture where people gathered around and the person grieving is never left alone. Even if they go to bed, there is someone in the house. We may find that claustrophobic - our culture is so individualist! - but imo there are times we need this. I could've done with it when I was bereaved. You don't have to talk about it, just to have someone with you.

And it is a bereavement you're going through, isn't it? No wonder you are feeling nutty sometimes. It has been an almighty shock xxx

Yes my counsellor says it is a bereavement. But I think I would have coped better with a bereavement. She actually said it is worse, because he is still around and possibly with ow, so it is like picking at a wound, it heals a little, next time you see them, the scab is picked and it is a gaping wound again.
I do not want to belittle anyone going through a bereavement, am just saying what she said. Family sat with me in the evenings in the early days, I can't keep asking them. They have their own lives.
I could scream and go hysterical with it all.

It is a bereavement and somebody was upset on a thread, cant remember if it was this one, or another one, somebody who had actually lost their husband said it shouldnt be compared, but your counsellor has said this to you, as mine has to me.

A male friend of mine said that his wife walking out on him for somebody else was worse than when his dad died, because he knew that his dad loved him. The grief of the wife choosing to leave him was so much worse.

It is just unthinkable that they can send loving cards one month and be gone the next. Something happens with men, like my XH, I think once he started to get feelings for OW, he thought that must mean that he didnt love me any more. But if he had cut the contact with OW and really tried to talk to me and sort it out, we may have been able to get through it, but he didnt want to. and sadly your H has made the same choice, thinking that he wouldnt have done what he did if he was happy. They make a decision and that is that....

The stage to get to is indifference where it cant hurt you any more, but it does take time to get to that stage.

let yourself cry, let yourself scream, but stay in control of it.. maybe you could call a friend.

Hi there Mrs M .... and here we are again on a Sunday evening, and another week has gone by.

Now I don't want you to get upset, or cross with me, because you know I am totally on your side BUT ...... you have to stop torturing yourself.
You have to start taking some control back......on all sides.
I know its difficult ... and you are going to backslide a lot BUT you actually can take charge of the way you think, and it is time to stop spending so long on the "how could he to this" "my life is over" merry go round. You are crucifying yourself.

Just like finding the strength to do all the other things you have done ( and you are doing really well on sorting some things ) you now need to be strong enough to shut yourself up. Really. Be strict with yourself. As soon as you feel your head start onto the "my life is over ..." tack, do something!! anything!! Buy a punchbag and kick hell out of it. Go for a walk (exercise is really good for depression). Come on to Mumsnet and start an argument .
It doesn't matter what. You just have to be tough with yourself.

Before I hear a chorus that I am being unfair to you, I am saying this because I had to do it. Not over my Ex but over the death of my infant son ( and trust me that really IS the lowest place in the world you can go ) In the end my mental survival depended on being just as hard on myself as I am asking you to be. So I know its tough, but I also know its the way to beat this, and it IS achievable. You have to work to not feel this way anymore.

You probably won't believe me, but this comes with love and

(and PLEASE start a new thread with an upbeat title!!! Make it the first step in your new resolve not to stay on the merrygoround. Because the title of this one makes ME feel depressed I promise we will all come with you

How about calling it "The only way is UP" ????

Only just seen this and so so sad for you. Listen Honey so many people care about you on here let alone in RL. BREATHE relax and try and be strong. We are all here to help. He sounds like an arrogant, controlling pig btw!

I think that they fall in lust with someone, start an affair and then the guilt of what they are doing to their wives hits and they feel bad about it. So the response is they decide that the grubby little affair is so much more and the OW is the love of their life, so that makes their behaviour ok, as surely no one could begrudge them the love of their lives.

Obviously to keep up this belief they decide their wives aren't what they need, they never REALLY loved them and that they weren't happy. Being nean to the wife helps create an awful atmosphere at home, thus reinforcing that their marriage isnt right. This can all happen in a few weeks.

It's such a well worn script.

My exH went in a couple of months from moving across the world together and planning a family to leaving me on valentines day to be with his PA.

There isn't any sense to it and you will go crazy trying to understand it.

Please give someone a call tonight Mrs M and if you don't want to do that give Samaritans a call, it really helps to talk to someone, even if you just want to rant. As Skye says, cry if you need to, even scream, but take care of yourself too .

As for advice, you are bound to get lots of it and perhaps trust your instincts on whether it feels like good advice. Don't make any drastic decisions right now, take your time and keep your dignity. You will know so much better than anyone else if something feels right to you. People on this board may offer you advice, particularly about the legal stuff, but its just because we want you to protect yourself financially, but no one is going to be offended or stop supporting you if you do the opposite. (Plus, if you want a legal overview, I would post in legal as their are some lovely solicitors and barristers on that board).

Deep breath, you can do this, and we are holding your hand.