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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does your dp work crap / unpredictable hours?

110 replies

vitomum · 21/05/2006 09:14

mine does. i find it soooooo frustrating. can't plan ahead. sometimes can't plan till the end of the week even! always have to book holidays last minute so don't get to look forward to them, its all done in a last minute panic. Can't commit to seeing friends till last minute in case dp's work changes. can't have a regular hobby myself as could never commit to a set evening free. he's worked all weekend and now buggered off till next sunday. worst thing was i only found out on friday so no time to arrange anything with pals. yesetrday i spoke to no-one apart from ds and by lunchtime i was looking forward to going back to work on monday. how sad is that? we have tried everything to make it more workable but it is that nature of his work - he is freelance. anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
ambercat · 24/05/2006 12:03

I only live 5 mins from norton manor, used to live on the married estate at cross keys but was quite glad to move out as not keen on the whole marine wife/in each others pockets scene.

rosiesmumof4 · 24/05/2006 12:37

can i join, but nothing like as badly off as some of you, but whinging to self as DH away in toronto all week, and always when he's away one of the children is naughty at school - three weeks ago when Dh was in moscow it was DS1, this time it's DS4 - hiding under the table ffs at lunchtime - they though they had lost him Blush
i just find I'm much grumpier when he's away, and tbh i miss him. The loading sleeping children into car to collect the big ones is another problem - can DS1 be picked up from x at 8 pm at sat please - well yes, but past DS3 and 4's bedtimes poor mites Sad

peachyClair · 24/05/2006 13:16

I was a nurse student AmberCat at what used to be Tone Vale, but is now Cotford St Luke. We moved away from Somerset last year so I could study, if we go back will be to Ilminster as we still do the carnivals (or rather DH is supposed to, when shifts allow).

TTey always playup when Dad away, don't they? I notice that Sam is worse when DH at work- wants him to be called home I think. Feel sorry for Sam, but at the same time we have to earn a living.

mum2sam · 24/05/2006 13:58

Havent had a chance to read all the threads my sams pulling on the leads so have to type fast.My dh is away mon-fri as hes in the navy. Im getting mighty pissed off cus i wanna go back to work but cant cus i havent got anyone to juggle chidcare with. Its so true bout feeling like a single mum. I often tell dh that i feel like hes married to the navy and im just his bit on the side who he comes to see now and thenSad

swedishmum · 24/05/2006 21:26

EmmyLou, I had the car load of sleepy babies last night! I'm doing a specialist dyslexia teaching course, though I wish I wasn't. I'm constantly trying to catch up, and feel guilty all the time! It's nearly over now (if they approve my extension). I've been trying to do my work in the night - don't want children to miss out. As a result I actually made myself ill last week. It's really not worth it. At least we're away next week.
One problem is that my children are not all the same age - can hardly send 12 year old to bed at 7pm! I do think it's important for her to be involved in stuff - it's hardly her fault I'm a stressed out old bag!

Original poster
vitomum · 24/05/2006 21:37

wow, there really are lots of us in the same boat. PS your day sounds horrendous - i hope the holiday makes up for it. I never get to look forward to a holiday cos like you it is all a last minute panic. it takes some of the pleasure from it doesn;t it - but it will be worth it when you get there - you deserve it! my dp is away all week this week. all i have had is snatched phone calls which end with him going "shit gotta go andf deal with that", usually while i am mid sentence. Today ds came down with his obligatory illness as he does when dp away - so now i have to factor in a GP appt. into tomorrow and rearrange child care accordingly so i can still get to the training course 75 miles away which is already paid for - pheeeew, moan over - that feels better!

OP posts:
swedishmum · 24/05/2006 21:58

Vitomum, don't you hate that being cut off mid sentence thing? Drives me mad! I do it back to dh sometimes - he doesn't like it either!

Original poster
vitomum · 24/05/2006 22:11

plus it inevitably makes me think well what the hell is going on there - then i'm taking on board his stress as well as my own!

OP posts:
redbull · 25/05/2006 07:05

my dp works on the roads and motorways doing road/lane closers or stop go and works with all the traffic cones.

I hate it as he has to work all over the place we live in birmingham and sometimes he has to work in gloster or western supermare, he can be picked up at 5:30 in the mporning and doesnt get home sometimes till 8:30.

they dont find out if they are working the weekend till every friday and even then they dont get paid overtime. sometimes ds doesnt see dp till the weekend and i really hate itSad

Niddlynono · 25/05/2006 08:13

My turn....
DH is a record producer and usually works a 6 day week. When he's working from his own studio or another London one he gets up at around 10am, leaves at 11 and then gets home around 4am the next morning.
Planning anything is impossible. His work schedule can change on a daily basis so there's rarely any point even trying to plan such a thing as a night out with friends. Although I am extremely supportive of his career, which can be very well paid, it is frustrating that we can't even plan to meet up with friends.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one though. When he does have a day off, it either coincides with when I work or he looks after DS while I catch up on the housework so regrettably we rarely get to spend the day together as a family.

I'm due to give birth to DS2 on 19th June and he finishes work on the 16th and then starts again on the 26th. Hurray!! It's almost like I'm a single mum - I even borrowed a book from the library last week about coping as a single mother.

Still, I doubt I'll be complaining in a few years time when DH the world's highest paid record producer and I'm browsing Mumsnet from the comfort of our home counties mansion. Wink

DH does worry that the fact he works so much is affecting DS1 (and soon DS2) but I try to reassure him that my dad (who I've always been very close to) did shift work and had a second job when I was little (I've only realised this as an adult though) and it in no way affected our relationship.

Hoopoe · 25/05/2006 10:38

Bexibooboo - my dad also worked like a dog when I was little but when I was a teenager and older he was around loads and we were very, very close. Not seeing him when very young didn't harm our relationship at all.

EmmyLou · 25/05/2006 14:38

Blimey swedish mum - i'm a stressed out old bag and I'm NOT doing a course - i do admire that you are doing something for your own personal development though. I keep meaning to find out about PGCEs or linguistics courses and get as far as surfing local universities/colleges on the net but the thought of commiting myself when I know dH is bound to be away for chunks of time...well i find the thought of it exhausting. Maybe I should aim lower and more short term and do a few more A levels or whatever they are called now.

Bexibooboo Sad- i think media/entertainments industries have a lot to answer for. My dh went off to Athens for a week and for every other week from when dd3 was 10 days old. Lucky for me, I got my Mum to come down from scotland to help out. I like to browse on the web for lovely hotels with spas and childcare facilities when dh is away and i'm waiting for the washing cycle to finish. Smile

Have you considered getting a mothers help type of person? Don't have much experience (well, any) of these but my sister suggested it to me at various points when i've been visibly struggling. Trouble is I sort of feel like a silly girl even thinking of such a thing as you always think of people worse off than youself who appear to be managing fine.

FrayedKnot · 25/05/2006 20:41

Dh rang last night to say instead of being away about 1 in every 3 weeks it might be every otehr week from now on Sad & Angry.

I'm really pissed off about it all, but DH was made redundant 18 months ago and this job was the best of the offers he had. We've moved 120 miles away from friends & family, so when he's away I have no-one around.

It makes me feel as though we may as well have stayed at home, with him doing a weekly commute, and me keeping my support network.

But we've invested loads in the new area now so feel we must make a go of it.

OTOH he is bringing me back some Chanel "Chance" tonight from tax free so I might not grumble too much.

Twinkie1 · 25/05/2006 20:43

DP works the same hours every day according to the markets - he leaves at around 6.20 and is home every day by 5pm - 5.20, if he has to get a later train or has a meeting, at the latest and when he's not here to help with feeding and getting the kids to bed its sooooo hard!!!

He is away till Sunday evening now and I am already struggling!!!

ambercat · 25/05/2006 20:51

Its so nice to know other people are in a similar position and i'm not alone in getting v. pissed off with the whole situation.

Peachyclair i am a nurse aswell, used to work at musgrove (stilldo sometimes on the bank) but had to stop after ds2 was born due to shifts/complicated childcare and no dh around half the time to share the load.

Its nice to have a bit of a moan here as i always feel rl friends are thinking you knew what he did when you married him so don't complain now.

Original poster
vitomum · 25/05/2006 20:58

have to confess thatt i am finding it a bit depressing to hear from others who have been in the same boat for many years. I suppose i had always kinda hoped that when dp became a bit more successful things would get easier. now i'm not so sure. i think some industries just want to take over your life whether you're at the bottom or the top Sad

OP posts:
southeastastra · 25/05/2006 21:07

mine works for the post office, years ago he worked 4am til 12, now he works 9 until 8pm, but is home 930. Its hard because you have to do it all alone during the week

mustrunmore · 25/05/2006 21:11

Dh is about to do 16 days with no day off. Of those, he wont see the kids at all in the mornings, and for an hour at most in the evenings, and vice versa on his night shifts. He leaves 5.30am, gets in 6pm, or leaves 8am gets in 11pm.Except when he's on overtime, when he's often only back home between midnight and 5.30am. Sometimes I just want a cuddle.. or someone else to have the boys for a while!

southeastastra · 25/05/2006 21:20

The worst thing is you spend more time apart yet don't really see any extra money

naswm · 25/05/2006 21:54

It sucks doesnt it? Missing mine tonight. grrr

southeastastra · 25/05/2006 21:56

What time is yours in, mines home now and getting itchy to go on ebay.

naswm · 25/05/2006 21:59

not heard from him since text at 5.30pm. Think I will just go tobed :(

southeastastra · 25/05/2006 22:02

what does he do? Im nosey

naswm · 25/05/2006 22:03

finance city boring yours?

southeastastra · 25/05/2006 22:04

post office, argh

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