WWYD about a self-inviting friend

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I have a group of friends, we all get on well, spend a fair bit of time socialising etc. But there is one friend who is very lovely but has a habit of self-inviting, a trait which I find very rude (and I've discovered my best friend in the same group who feels the same way as me).

If she and a couple of others in the group organise a night out I don't say "ooh, can I come too?" She does. Sometimes we are able to steer around it but other times we just give in and one or two of the 'weaker' friends really let her dictate a bit much.

She suggested that she, her husband and my best friend and me did a big charity walk together. As she is not overly fit, we said we'd plan some walks leading up to it to help. Great. All mutually agreed. Next thing you know, she's invited all sorts of others to join in, without asking us, and there is at least one person who we would actively choose to avoid (an awkward personal situation).

She heard that two of us were going to Cornwall for a weekend (where she comes from) and tried to change it into a weekend for all four of us and we could do "XYZ". We managed to divert that one.

I don't want to upset her feelings, because she is lovely, very generous and kind - just overly social perhaps - but it's becoming too much of a habit and I don't know how best to handle it.

As to third parties giving the Inviting Friend a way into your plans, JBF, you perhaps should have a word with them about checking with you first before amending plans. Have them say to her, 'check with JBF first' which should be simple enough, and already common sense (to most people?). (And, perhaps, it could turn into a group wide policy for plan amendments to get a thumbs up from the originator of plans/hostess which would benefit IF when she is hostess as well.) I really don't think that would come across as bitchy, it is just a boundary of respect that you want in place. For example, I have a friend who gets very angry if her phone rings before 9am or after 8pm...so I just don't do it.

I have changed my mind, as I read through the thread. At first ITYABU(yes, I know this is relationships), then i thought you weren't. Now I'm just not sure.
She sounds very strong willed. But being excluded , or even if you just THINK you are being excluded is soul destroying.
Urrm. Not sure now.

I would like to know why Stalker isn't excluded from social events by entire group if he caused such distress to one of the group?

Or is it just Inviting Friend that includes him?

BeCool - Stalker isn't part of the group (ie, the Borg). He was a work colleague of Inviting Friend's husband. Inviting Friend's husband brought him along to a pub quiz once, he got hold of best friend's number from Inviting Friend a few nights later. Inviting Friend and husband knew of the stalking issue although he has since changed jobs. I think she just invited quite a number of assorted friends via Facebook and had perhaps forgotten or just did it accidentally. I think perhaps she is stuck a bit with her husband over it.

Giving friend 1 the phone number of friend 2 without friend 2's permission is rude and silly (because it can lead to just the kind of stalkery crap as happened in this case).

Inviting people to someone else's home or function without asking the host is very very rude.

Inviting yourself to e.g. cinema night and then demanding that people change films to the one you want to see is annoying, but the solution is to stand firm about the choice of film. Giving in and then complaining later is silly.

So I can quite see that inviting friend is really annoying at times. Can you just talk to her about it, directly, but gently, next time she self-invites?

And this:
If people push boundaries like this, and are either oblivious to the intrusion or simply don't give a shit because only their needs matter to them, then all you can do is draw your boundaries ever more clearly and stop worrying about hurting their feelings

My DM has this at the moment. An old friend she has seen about twice in the last 30 years wants to visit my parents. On being told my DF has cancer and isn't up to it (He could just about manage probably for a short while at least, but hasn't adjusted to being a shadow of his former self and doesn't want people to see him) she emailed to tell my DM to 'find someone to sit with him' and meet her anyway.

I agree with Eldritch.

This person is a PITA and probably not a friend. You've put up with it long enough. Will you ditch her? You can ditch "friends" you know - and it can be a huge relief and FEEL GREAT!

I would never give friends number out. Very bad form that.

If asked I will pass on the askers number to my friend and leave it to her if she wants to contact him or not.

Yes, whatever people think about the group dynamic (dunno myself), the giving out of a woman's number to interested man without permission from woman and inviting randoms to a party someone else is giving at her home without permission jump out at me as really off.

Only OP can know whether she is a nice, bit too pushy and keen person who just wants life to be one big party or a selfish insensitive pain in the arse.

She sounds like an extrovert within a group of people who are more introverted.
It's a fundamental difference. I bet she doesn't see any barriers to her being there at all, since you are all friends and demonstrably get on.
She may not realise that some of you do have to 'ration' your time with each other because it's how your brains work.
I feel for her a bit (even though Im an introvert and can't have everyone I love and like around me at all times in any old situation ).

Ok I have read more of your posts and change my stance, she does sound like a pain. I think more people would have said this earlier with some of your later examples although I imagine you were trying not to have a massive post.

The cinema thing, inviting others to a small gathering, giving phone number to a known stalker type, inviting herself then trying to change the plans she is a pain! I think you are going to have to keep plans vague tbh, unless you are getting to the point where you are completely fed up and you want to ditch her? There is nothing actually wrong with ditching someone who you don't enjoy spending time with anymore.

Quint if you are so against bullying and nastiness, then perhaps you should reread your own posts on this thread. Do you own a mirror, perchance?

OP it sounds to me like you do like this person, but don't want all events or occasions to morph into group outings. Honestly I think you just need to accept that she has a different approach, and that's not bad, but will need those of you who mind to be more upfront. "We'd love to another time, but this one we wanted to have a bit of a catchup, just the two of us." Direct and to the point, but not mean. Because that's the only way to keep including her where appropriate and it's also paying her the compliment of treating her like an adult. I also think you need to sit down and explain the issue over the walk with total honesty, because of course your friend won't be able to come now, and it could have been avoided if she'd had a chat with you. Though then again, she can't be blamed for it if she didn't know the situation, and a walk like that wouldn't usually be something you couldn't invite new people to so I can't see that as anyone's fault. Bringing extras to a party at someone's house, though, is rude unless it's the kind of party where you're explicitly told that's okay. I do wonder - is she quite young? Uni, and that was normal; even the first few years after leaving. It may be that she's operating under a different life stage, so to speak?

Ah, apologise Quint, I missed your later briefer posts.

I do think OP has been given a harder time than called for, earlier on, though. Nobody owes anyone their company at all times.

I'd hate this situation, but I think I'd handle it differently OP. This doesn't make me particularly nice, but here goes.

If this woman asked what I was doing and I was going out with just one friend, I'd heavily signpost that it was exclusive. I'd tell her that I was seeing x friend as we'd not seen each other alone for ages and had a lot of personal catching up to do. Generally, this is indeed what I do when I see people one on one. Then if she self invited, it'd be easily to say it was inappropriate.

If she asked something around what I was doing on an evening I was going out with a small group then I'd say something vague about feeling a bit crap and having made plans but might end up staying in and generally act in a flaky way. You aren't in a relationship and don't owe her an account of your movements.

If she persisted, I'd drop her. I don't mean this badly on her, but basically if she's in a social situation where she's scrabbling away to be included or push a particular agenda when people don't want her it's the wrong thing for her and for you and she and you would be better concentrating on other relationships.

perfectstorm - I took a while to get an understanding of the problem, and my own prejudices filled in my imagination. I did get there in the end though!