WWYD about a self-inviting friend

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I have a group of friends, we all get on well, spend a fair bit of time socialising etc. But there is one friend who is very lovely but has a habit of self-inviting, a trait which I find very rude (and I've discovered my best friend in the same group who feels the same way as me).

If she and a couple of others in the group organise a night out I don't say "ooh, can I come too?" She does. Sometimes we are able to steer around it but other times we just give in and one or two of the 'weaker' friends really let her dictate a bit much.

She suggested that she, her husband and my best friend and me did a big charity walk together. As she is not overly fit, we said we'd plan some walks leading up to it to help. Great. All mutually agreed. Next thing you know, she's invited all sorts of others to join in, without asking us, and there is at least one person who we would actively choose to avoid (an awkward personal situation).

She heard that two of us were going to Cornwall for a weekend (where she comes from) and tried to change it into a weekend for all four of us and we could do "XYZ". We managed to divert that one.

I don't want to upset her feelings, because she is lovely, very generous and kind - just overly social perhaps - but it's becoming too much of a habit and I don't know how best to handle it.

You sound quite mean OP. Seriously.

Do you ever socialise one to one with this friend?

I'm really surprised you're getting this flak OP

Obviously it would be rude to make plans in front of her and exclude her, but you've explained that's not what you're doing. She asks you what you're doing, you don't want to lie, but then she invites herself along.

The only thing you can do is be very circumspect in what you're doing.

I don't think it's weird at all to just want to do certain things with certain people. It's not snobby, just recognising that different friends have different interests.

Why are people having a go at the OP? I have a group of friends, we often meet up as a group. But I'm just as likely to invite just one of them over for a coffee. It's nice to have a one to one catch up and talk in a way that you can't sometimes do in a group.

Just a warning though, if stuff like this does keep happening, you won't be a big group of friends for much longer. It sounds so much like my group (that no longer exists). I know you don't always have to do everything together, but telling her what you are doing, even when she asks, is asking for trouble. No one would be able to not help feeling left out.

There was a big group of us, it has become very much a them and us scenario and there was a time where I was very much in the middle as I was good friends with both sides. 1 side have clearly gone off on their own, after assuring me before that we were all 'friends for life' type thing. I am of the attitude that they can go screw themselves tbh. I don't need people that badly in my life.

Hmm I'm finding it hard to see where you're coming from.

I have a number of friends. If I, for example plan to go round friend A's and then friend B says oh i'm free that day I'll pop round too. I'll be fine. She's my friend I could guarantee friend A would be all "the more the merrier" as well.

If there is a reason for only wanting to spend time with friend A one on one then we'd both keep quiet about it and not let people know our plans.

Same as with the AmazingBouncingFerret, to be honest!

Halfling - yes, I have already said I do have one-on-ones with this friend too!

Why on earth is the OP getting such a hard time?

It's perfectly fine to want to spend some 1-2-1 time with certain friends from a group. You don't have to socialise with your whole friend group all together ALL the time.

She isn't inviting someone else out in front of this lady. It's just that when this lady finds out the OP is doing something 1-2-1 with someone else she invites herself along. That would annoy me too if it happened everytime and my plans were constantly being changed to always include this woman.

I would suggest perhaps being a little less forthcoming when she asks what you are up to, so that she doesn't have the opportunity to invite herself along.

She assumes that you're all friends, I expect, and that you'd all be happy to spend time together.

You say she's generous. She assumes everyone is as generous as her I should imagine.

Cheese - thanks.

Sorry, perhaps I have drip fed or not explained things as clearly as I should have, as it's clear I have divided opinion very sharply.

OP, I think you're getting a tough time on here! People should really read your later posts, which made the situation a lot clearer.

It's totally reasonable to want to have some 1 on 1 time, or small groups, in amongst the socialising with a bigger group. I do that, and so do my friends.

I think the next time she's says "oh I'll come too", try saying "oh, next time that would be lovely, but this time I really need to catch up with so-and-so". That's perfectly polite, and makes your position clear.

Interestingly, on re-reading the OP it doesn't actually say 'sometimes I want one on one time with a particular friend' - it says that the OP wouldn't invite herself 'If she and a couple of others in the group organise a night out' - so that's not an intimate one on one deep & meaningful chat, that's several people organising a night out. Very different if this is the sort of thing she's inviting herself to - why would that be rude if you're all supposed to be friends?

The second issue the OP complains about is that Friend A organised doing a charity walk and then (sit down for this bit) took it upon herself to invite others without asking permission from OP!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks the OP here sounds quite mean. I hope Friend A catches on and finds some nicer friends soon.

Sounds as if she is kind but lacking in emotional intelligence - very annoying and difficult to handle.

Also don't understand the criticism levelled as the OP do all the "more the merrier" types invite their entire address book when they fancy a quiet catch up with someone they haven't seen for a while? Also some personalities are dominant, and although they are fun make an evening all about them. My friends DH is like this - sometimes it is lovely when they are not there as the other quieter more thoughtful men get a chance to get to know each other without Mr Life and Soul bellowing at them.

emsy - just to clarify the bit about wanting to actively avoid someone, yes, the person we would choose to avoid is a chap to asked out my best friend, who declined, and then became rather stalkerish. I don't think it's unreasonable for my best friend to want to actively avoid this person.

"do all the "more the merrier" types invite their entire address book when they fancy a quiet catch up with someone they haven't seen for a while?"

No, but if someone said 'Are you busy on Friday, I'm at a loose end?' and I had arranged a quiet catch up with another mutual friend, I would happily invite them to join in. Maybe that's because I don't have friends that I dislike and want to avoid socialising with.

imagine this thread op, my friends keep organising nights out/ weekends away and excluding me wwyd?
my answer would be stick up for yourself, be assertive and invite yourself along. If they make excuses you know they are really no friends at all.
just a thought op.

emsy - would you do that without checking it was OK with the other mutual friend? the other mutual friend might want a quiet catch up just with you for a change?

Yes, I would Jessica - maybe people find that annoying, I don't know! I seem to have a fairly full social calendar though so I'm guessing they're okay with it. It would never occur to me to check before inviting someone along unless it was an event at that other person's home, in which case I certainly would not presume to extend an invitation where someone else was responsible for the hospitality.

I don't think the op is mean at all. She has people she would like to spend time with alone.

However, the problem friend doesn't really sound like a problem per se.

I think the op is handling it wrong. She should be upfront and just say, "Look, I'd really like to see X by ourselves that night I've not seen her for ages. Why don't you and I go out on Thursday night?"

It's all very well bitching about this woman but of she is someone who automatically includes people then that's her social MO which is nothing for her to feel bad about.

Op, you've just got to be frank (and kind!) and explain your preferences to her.

But if you don't like her then don't actively exclude her because of that. Drop her ad a friend properly because stringing someone along is cruel.

I see your point we have a little group and sometimes do things together and sometimes other couples do stuff on their own. It's about building and maintaining friendships.

I don't feel left out it's how life is, whether your five or fifty!

I think you just have to be honest And say were doing it alone.

IF she is someone, not of she is someone

Winky - I have done precisely that before now.

emsy - actually, there have been occasions where she has done just that, and she has been invited to someone's house for an event and invited other people along without asking the host (not me, I hasten to add)

Sometimes you just want a catch up with a specific person, surely? DP and I have a lot of the same friends, but he and one friend work in the same industry. If they are meeting up to discuss 'work stuff' I either wouldn't go or would pop along later once the work discussion was out the way.

Don't get the cinema thing though. Unless the person is a talker or a big fan of tattie crisps, surely that sort of thing is 'the more the merrier'.

Inviting others to someone else's house without asking is not on, OK I'll give you that one .