WWYD about a self-inviting friend

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I have a group of friends, we all get on well, spend a fair bit of time socialising etc. But there is one friend who is very lovely but has a habit of self-inviting, a trait which I find very rude (and I've discovered my best friend in the same group who feels the same way as me).

If she and a couple of others in the group organise a night out I don't say "ooh, can I come too?" She does. Sometimes we are able to steer around it but other times we just give in and one or two of the 'weaker' friends really let her dictate a bit much.

She suggested that she, her husband and my best friend and me did a big charity walk together. As she is not overly fit, we said we'd plan some walks leading up to it to help. Great. All mutually agreed. Next thing you know, she's invited all sorts of others to join in, without asking us, and there is at least one person who we would actively choose to avoid (an awkward personal situation).

She heard that two of us were going to Cornwall for a weekend (where she comes from) and tried to change it into a weekend for all four of us and we could do "XYZ". We managed to divert that one.

I don't want to upset her feelings, because she is lovely, very generous and kind - just overly social perhaps - but it's becoming too much of a habit and I don't know how best to handle it.

It's perfectly natural to want to spend one on one time with a friend.

Sheesh.

emsy - thanks! I'm not a bitch, honestly....

Posy - sometimes, yes, a whole gang going to a film. sometimes just two of us might go to a film that we know isn't the collective cuppa and then have a meal afterwards and catch-up over that (and if we don't have a huge amount of personal news we can chat about the film)

I feel bad now....I once asked if I could come along on a "thing" with three friends and they said yes...now I wonder if they're all talking about me too!

I thought that friends COULD join in with one another??

I guess different people approach friendships differently. I would never invite myself to anything, nor would I feel left out if I learned that four out of, say, my closest 12 friends, did something and hadn't invited me. Because I accept and don't see a problem with that, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to socialise in smaller numbers as well as big groups. I mean, I can't have all 12 round for dinner, so I might have 4 one night, 4 another and 4 a third night. That just seems fair enough.

Now, if the 11 were always doing things together and not including me .... :)

It is a horrible thought. Imagine your friends are talking about you, agreeing how they dont want you there, and finding techniques for diverting your attention away and avoiding you like this. Terribly juvenile, and school girl.

I also imagine op grew up in a "gang of popular bullies" and never really matured into adult hood.

It is perfectly reasonable to want to socialize in smaller groups, i do that all the time. I am however not making elaborate schemes to avoid and "divert" people and make them feel superfluous and unwanted! You dont seem to understand that it is your behaviour that is appalling, not your wish for sometimes having a coffee with friend A, another time lunch with friend B, or a trip to the cinema with A and D, or drinks out with the entire alphabet!

Quint - sorry, I didn't realise this was AIBU. "Gang of popular bullies" simply because I like to see friends in smaller groups or one-on-one sometimes? Bloody hell.

Quint what are you on about? I don't get that from the OP at all!

It is not aibu, but perhaps it should have been. You still dont seem to be able to take on board peoples viewpoints, or see where anybody else is coming from.

Quint - can you point out what "elaborate schemes" I have employed? I have never lied and said "oh I am doing X" when I am really out with half the others! I have never said "let's just you and I go out for a meal" and then cancelled or invited others. Can you please point out my "appalling behaviour"?

Really? You dont get that from OP? I do, just in the OP 4 choice selections:

" I've discovered my best friend in the same group who feels the same way as me"

• How was this discovered? By talking about this friend behind her back?

"Sometimes we are able to steer around it but other times we just give in and one or two of the 'weaker' friends really let her dictate a bit much"

"and there is at least one person who we would actively choose to avoid (an awkward personal situation)."

"We managed to divert that one."

No less than three examples of avoiding/diverting/steering.

But not juvenile school girl mentality?

I think you need to reasses how you socialize and whether it is kinder to just tell your friend that actually you dont like her, and that maybe it is time that she looks elsewhere for friends.

This also seems very much like a teenage bitchy situation to me.

OP, you can do what you want with whom you want. There is no need to be rude to anyone, nor is there any need to do anything you don't want to do. There are lots of great suggestions up thread, but you seem to rebuff them all?

Your inviting friend sounds a bit thick skinned - you have to learn to say NO to her.

But you also need to accept that the rest of the world aren't YOU. They don't feel the same way you do and they don't make decisions the same way you do. We are all different. Doesn't make any of us better than the other - just different.

If your IF is getting on your tits, tell her with love, honesty and kindness. As she is one of your "12 closest friends" surely you can do this?

I'm not generally a more the merrier type. I hate pop in visitors and HATE when they bring randoms with them.

If we've organized a night out for cocktails after work, then I think everyone should be included. There are times when a gang is great. I'd rather it was mixed company than a group of girls.

If I've arranged a rare night out with one of my best friends, I'd rather know in advance if they wanted to invite the world and his dog. I may not fancy a big night out and would raincheck. My best friends understand.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

Jeez Quint has the OP touched a nerve?

Well, clearly her attitude has riled me one way or another!

This thread has put me back 20 years to behaviour I witnessed in high school! Luckily I was not on the receiving end, but I thought it was juvenile then, and it is not any less now.

If you don't want her to come to something then don't mention it in front of her. I think it is rude to discuss social events in front of people who aren't invited.

However, I don't think she should bring random people to people's houses so maybe you should tackle her directly about this the next time she is invited somewhere.

But Quint I think it's different. I agree with AaDB.

Sometimes a big get together is fantastic, sometimes I want to just see a particular friend. If someone else constantly muscled in I would feel a bit miffed, however much I liked them.

Quint - if you read some of my other postings properly, you would also see precisely that the one person we would choose to avoid was not the friend but someone she had invited along who had STALKED my best friend (who had originally been invited on the walk) and I don't think that it is at all unreasonable that my best friend would want to avoid that person.

And we have tried the explaining route and sometimes it falls on deaf ears so we have diverted it by changing the subject somehow. Would you prefer we were exceptionally blunt?

I have clearly said I do enjoy time with this friend, in a group and one-on-one.

But do these 12 women live in eachothers pockets? How come they are always together discussing their plans? Do they not have families? Do they never just stay home? Seems that it is part of the culture that they always do stuff together either in bigger or smaller groups or twosomes, and never apart, and that this ONE friend, is always rebuffed. Would it be different, or welcomed even, if another friend asked to join?
Maybe I just dont understand the dynamics of existing in a collective with your friends. Like The Borg.

Just say 'not this time' when she invites herself to something you don't want her on.

Whether you want to avoid A or B, does not matter, to me it seems like a lot of time is spent working out who to stay clear of, and it seems all too close and tight knit to me.

Surely if the "stalked" friend realized somebody she did not like was also coming, she would just stay home? No drama?
How did you react? Did you all collectively avoid the walk, or did just the one friend pull out?

Where have I said that all 12 of us are together discussing our plans? Where have I ever said that this friend is ALWAYS rebuffed? I have clearly said she is involved in all the group stuff and that I do stuff with her one-on-one and in a foursome. And I've never said they are all women, either.

You are clearly choosing to read only the bits you want to read.

Well, I dont know if you are all together or just some of you, how could I? But surely one way or the other the friend you try to avoid gets wind of the plans? And it honestly does not matter if they are women or people - that is a pretty minor point, is it not?

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time, op.

Quint - we haven't had the walk yet. Invited friend said "Husband and I fancied doing this charity walk and we know you and X do a lot of walking, so we wondered whether you'd like to join the two of us and make a day of it?"

We took that to mean that it would be the four of us.

Three weeks later we discover she has created a Facebook think and invited assorted people to come along, some of the "Borg" and some others we don't know. Among the people she has invited is the stalker.

She is now going to drop out. I think that is a great pity and rather unfair on my best friend.