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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex is down stairs refusing to leave what can i do

77 replies

SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 21:47

My ex came round for a chat about DS access we have been getting on well, long story short got into a row he lost him temper now he is refusing to leave! Im upstairs with DS to get away , how can i get him out ???

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 03/05/2013 23:09

It's not too small a thing. NCDV are right. 101 is a non-emergency number, you won't be causing any great uproar by calling them. It is just to log the fact that you were being intimidated in your own house by your ex. They may come round for a chat or give advice over the phone, but most importantly they will also log you as possibly being at risk from your ex. This record will help if you ever need to call the police in the future, or if you need to apply for supervised access for your DS.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 23:15

I called 101 and they said he hasnt broken any laws and to call them if he comes back NCDV will call back tomorrow and womans aid is busy , i feel like no one can help me and im trapped !!

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2013 23:17

The good thing is that you are reaching for help.
You know what to do if he intimidates you again and the authorities will be on your side.

MadBusLady · 03/05/2013 23:19

Hm, that's not very helpful of 101 Hmm.

Is there no-one you can call to come over and stay?

Does he have a key to your place? (sorry if you've answered these Qs before and I've missed them)

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 23:36

No nobody to come over :( he had a key once but doesnt now unless he had one cut but iv left the key is the door just incase! I just feel like they are not taken me serious and i no this isnt the biggest deal and there are women out there going threw so much worse than i am but when this is added to everything else he has done its scary but iv never talked about it before an tried to handle it all myself!

I want to thank everyone who has posted on here tonight mumsnets is a great place made me feel less alone thank you all so much

OP posts:
olgaga · 03/05/2013 23:37

It's a non-emergency number, and right now you're not an emergency. That's all, it's not that they're refusing to help.

Point is, if he came back you can call 999 and get him out immediately, the 101 call will be logged. The important thing is you're now in the system.

There's not much you can do at this time of night in a non-emergency situation. Talk to NCDV when they get in touch tomorrow, you'll be able to discuss it in more detail then.

For now, get a good night's sleep. Can you lock the doors?

olgaga · 03/05/2013 23:39

OK so you are safe and secure tonight. Get some sleep, deal with it tomorrow.

There is help, don't be downcast that it's not immediate.

Nitey nite.

Lweji · 03/05/2013 23:41

It's not so much that they don't take you seriously.
But he left, so not much they can do now.

You can tell him that he's not welcome anywhere near you, seek an injunction and so on.

Keep pushing for help and report everything he does. At some point, it will look overwhelming enough (hopefully not, if he stays away, though. :) )

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 04/05/2013 00:01

Just had a knock at the door i swear my arse fell out it was the police that come to take a statement and said they will drive round a few times tonight incase the see anyone lurking i feel better now its logged and i no NCDV will be able to fill the gaps tomorrow for me ! Again thank you so much everyone all felt like real friends tonight :) ill keep u all updated tomorrow ! Night xx

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 04/05/2013 01:47

Definitely call WOmen's Aid. You can get a court order to keep this man out of your house and to prevent him from harassing you in any way. You need strong walls between him and you and your child, but they are not difficult to build. He is not above the law, he is does not have superpowers and he can be made to behave himself, or he will go to prison.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2013 07:06

This is not a small thing, that's why you need to talk to the police. People like your ex are very dangerous because they keep getting away with relatively minor things and it escalates. Next thing you know, you're another mug shot in the Sunday Papers, 'woman killed by ex-boyfriend'....

Nip this in the bud, get the law on your side in the form of police and solicitors, and never ever let him in your home again.

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/05/2013 10:25

Women's aid are, sadly, often busy these days :-( if you leave a message with your name and number they will call you back.

MadBusLady · 04/05/2013 10:30

Glad to hear that, summer, hope you had a good night's sleep and that today goes well Smile

perfectstorm · 04/05/2013 10:35

The law has changed on legal aid for family law. Normally, you don't get it now... unless there are reported incidents of domestic violence logged with the police, when you do. If you're on a low income and are being threatened or bullied, you must report every single incident. If you don't, and the time comes when you want to restrict access and he takes you to court, not only will you not be entitled to legal aid but the courts won't know if you are being truthful about what he is like.

You have to report what he does, when he does it. That way there is a record. And you also need that record to get the legal help. So yes, report all he's done in the past to them as well.

Really sorry you're coping with this. He sounds horrible.

olgaga · 07/05/2013 11:50

Hope it's going ok and NCDV have helped you by now with an injunction.

They also work with Women's Aid/Refuge as well as giving legal assistance.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 07/05/2013 18:26

Its gone really bad NCDV said i couldnt have an injunction because he hasnt hit me, womens aid just told me to go on the forum for support and all getting is nasty txts of X got a solicitor app tomorrow tho

OP posts:
fubbsy · 07/05/2013 18:40

Sorry it's not going well summers. I hope the solicitor can give you some support. He may v!not have hit you (thank goodness) but it sounds to me like he is harassing you. There are legal steps you can take against harassment. The solicitor should be able to advise you of these.

fubbsy · 07/05/2013 18:41

Don't know where that v! came from Blush

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/05/2013 18:43

Definitely mention it to your solicitor.

I'm sorry your having a rough time atm.

olgaga · 07/05/2013 18:53

Well I really don't understand that. NCDV's own website says:

Under "Can an injunction help me?" it says An injunction is a powerful court order (non-molestation order) that prohibits an abuser from using or threatening violence against you, or harassing, pestering or intimidating you. If the order is breached, the police can then arrest that person immediately.

I think I'd be tempted to ring them back and read their own website to them!

Really do not understand that at all.

Charlesroi · 07/05/2013 19:49

Hi summers. Can you block his number? Also, you don't have to read the texts.
Maybe you could text him back, say you'll only discuss access to your son over email, then block?
I really hope things improve for you soon.

olgaga · 07/05/2013 19:59

Yes I think that's the best way.

He can't be coming into your house then refusing to leave. You don't have to have contact with him, there are contact centres if you can't arrange something through relatives.

If he sets foot in your house again just call the police first thing.

Hope you get on ok at the solicitor tomorrow.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 08/05/2013 08:26

I just dont know what to do, deep down i dont wont him to have contact with my son because i dont trust him but i dont think i would stand a chance if it went to court because all of his abuse has been towards me, the only incidents including my son was over 6 months ago when he threw at phone at me (missed) when i was holding DS and he jumped his hands while holding DS and shouting at me, he has also shouting swear words at DS for not taking a bottle but this was all a long time ago.

He has come into alot of inheritance 30 thousand and is now saying he will spend every penny to take DS away. Im petrified to go against him but with all of farther rights an things i think i will be fighting a losing battle.

I hope i get the help i need today and maybe things will be clearer Hmm

OP posts:
fubbsy · 08/05/2013 08:49

GL with your solicitor's appointment today summers. And do tell him/her all this stuff about exp's abusive behaviour that you have posted on here. Even if the abuse happened in the past, it is still relevant.

olgaga · 08/05/2013 08:53

What you need to do is report every incident to the police.

I hope you get on OK today. If you are the main carer, and always have been, it is highly unlikely a court would decide it was in your son's best interests to take your son away!

You might find this useful background information.