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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex is down stairs refusing to leave what can i do

77 replies

SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 21:47

My ex came round for a chat about DS access we have been getting on well, long story short got into a row he lost him temper now he is refusing to leave! Im upstairs with DS to get away , how can i get him out ???

OP posts:
Leverette · 03/05/2013 22:11

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Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:11

Hes gone i told him i was gonna call the police and he left after me repeating it a few more times !! I even offered him taxi money !! Im all shock up now and worried for my DS, i stopped him seeing my son about 8 months ago because of disgusting lies about his farther that had pasted and his temper had a major trust issue with him seeing my DS and now after tonight i dont no what is best i just want to take DS and run away as far as we can go !! But i no i cant cus in the eye of the law he hasnt done anything wrong , im only 20 when did i have to grow up so fast :( i no its my own fault i never should of trusted him again ! Its just going to get worse from here i no it :( but i dont no what to do :(

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hugoagogo · 03/05/2013 22:13

So relieved to hear he has gone.

foolonthehill · 03/05/2013 22:17

well done, you did the right thing.
It doesn't have to get worse, you need to set your own boundaries and have plans in your head so you can carry them out.

Leave it for now, cuddle DS, have a bath, cuppa/wine whatever.

When you are calm some time over the next few days, sit down and write what is/isn't allowed in your house/ with your ex and for your son. Just for you, and how you will manage to stick with the rules.

get some RL support if you can
And keep MNing...lots of virtual support for you here, and much wisdom.

MisForMumNotMaid · 03/05/2013 22:19

I was much older - 33 when my now XH did to me with my babies what your X has just done to you. Its not an age thing.

No human being has the right to make another feel so threatened and vulnerable.

Do you have someone who you could call in real life for a hug?

In the meantime just as a precaution, put your mobile on charge by your bed, bolt the door/ put the key twisted in it so it can't be opened from the other side if he has a key, look in on your wonderful DS and breathe.

You've been very brave and you've survived. Right now the adrenaline is no doubt pumping in your veins but when it drains you may find you feel very drained.

Do you have plans to see anyone/ go anywhere tomorrow? Could you make some?

Glad you're okay.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:21

It will get worse , last time after he threw a phone at me while i was holding DS he went home to his family crying saying how i had done all sorts of cruel things againts him all untrue and then when i went to a solicitors his mum wrote a letter for him saying how i have major PD and i am unable to parent again beyond untrue and was laughed at by the solicitor but the point being is that his lies are so crazy and he tell them so well im petrified to go againts him, i no deep down he isnt a good role model for my son and im scared everyday of the lies he will tell him when he grows up but i just dont no what i can do , im scared incase he comes back i dont no weather i should make a statement or even if i can ?

OP posts:
Shlurpbop · 03/05/2013 22:24

Well done, glad he's gone and you're ok.

Keep brave. Have a good nights sleep and come back on here tomorrow for some advice - the ladies on here are so knowledgable and someone will know just what advice to give you.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:24

And no , no RL support me an DS are pretty much on our own

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Lweji · 03/05/2013 22:27

Personally, I wouldn't allow him in the house again.

Would only allow supervised access and well away from the home.

In a way it's a shame you didn't actually call the police, as it would be on record.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:28

Could i make a statement now? Im scared to go againts and say supervised access as he has come into alot of money and will just take me to court that i cant afford and in actual fact he hasnt harmed my son just lost his temper with me so that wouldnt count would it? As a valid reason?

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Lweji · 03/05/2013 22:32

Check with a solicitor.

Have you been in contact with WA? They may well be able to help and offer more practical advice.

At the very least do hand overs outside the house, or even away from it.

MisForMumNotMaid · 03/05/2013 22:32

Have a virtual hug then.

There are many ways you can handle this, but for tonight just breathe, sit down with a brew or something a bit stronger and then try to get your head down.

You can report this to the police in the morning. You can tell them you feel threatened. They will advise you.

There are many on here who have felt alone and found company, many who have felt threatened and found strength, many who have survived abusive x's and moved on.

You will find the strength to move on but it will take time. One day at a time.

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/05/2013 22:35

You've told him that you're willing to call the police now which is a huge step. That has set a boundary down that you will not allow him to play his silly games. Now, he probably will keep pushing at that boundary to test it, but now you know that you can threaten the police and don't be afraid to follow it through. Keep everything clinical and businesslike and it will become easier. Channel your scariest teacher from school!

Tomorrow, when you're feeling calmer, contact women's aid for advice about access and contact - they are very experienced and will be able to advise you on the best way to proceed with whatever you think is best - they won't tell you what to do or try to persuade you to allow or prevent access. They will just help you through the options, especially the ones which seem impossible. It doesn't matter if your ex never hit you, the way he is behaving now is enough (and I'm guessing there's a history!) they will also be able to advise whether you are eligible for legal aid as I think it would be helpful for you to see a solicitor.

I had a child at 20 too and left his father for similar reasons when I was 21,it is hard, but it's also so worth it to keep going for your son. It's not always a bad thing to grow up fast and you can still go out and "be young" sometimes! :) you sound like a lovely caring mum to me.

mummytime · 03/05/2013 22:37

You can call 101, and report it, especially if you are at all scared he may return. Do you have any neighbours who may know of anything that has been going on?

Have you talked to Women's Aid.

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/05/2013 22:38

X-posts.

Women's aid will support you. If he threw a phone at you when you were holding DS that is violence against DS too as it could easily have hit him. Don't underestimate your worth, lovely. You are not alone and you deserve help and you will get it if you only ask.

olgaga · 03/05/2013 22:42

I think you should telephone NCDV 0844 8044 999 (24 hrs) and talk to them about the abuse and harassment you are suffering.

If you don't want to do that call Rights of Women, they have a family law legal advice line 020 7251 6577 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 Mondays between 11am-1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm, Thursdays between 7pm-9pm and Fridays between 12noon-2pm.

If you need to get out of your current residence and make a new start elsewhere, Women's Aid/Refuge is the place to contact on 0808 2000 247 (24 hrs).

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:43

My neighbours probs heard him shouting i imagine , i was going to call womens aid before ( this is mild compared to the past history) but i though i would be wasting there time because there are women going threw soo much worse than me , im just so scared of what damage his lies could course if i went against him they are believable! I dont wont him in my sons life i dont trust him not to emotionally abuse of physically with his short fuse but my last solicitor wasnt very supportive but worked up from supervised visits to the 5 hours aweek he has now ! I wish i could take it all away for my ds i want nothing more , but im to scared of what he is capable of doing !

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YoniBottsBumgina · 03/05/2013 22:44

Wanted to add too. I know how it feels to be all alone after leaving a relationship like this which had destroyed all of my previous friendships. Get back in touch with people as a first resort. Then start to get out - children's centres were a lifeline for me as most of their baby/toddler groups are free. You will make some new,supportive friends. It takes a little bit of effort to build a support network but it comes. And mumsnet helps.

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:46

I want to call the help line but would i be wasting there time i just need support and advice i think

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YoniBottsBumgina · 03/05/2013 22:50

Call women's aid. They help and support everyone, they have no scale, nobody is more important than another. They have many different types of support too, so you wanting to ask for advice and perhaps meet with a support worker is not going to prevent a woman in an urgent situation from getting help. Please stop thinking that you aren't worth helping because you are. If you can't think about it like that yet what about your son? He is no less deserving than any other child of their help and protection.

Call them tomorrow, or on Tuesday after the bank holiday if you prefer to wait. But don't worry about calling. You do deserve help.

Lweji · 03/05/2013 22:52

Don't wait for it to get really bad. Act now.
With WA, the police, whatever it takes.

olgaga · 03/05/2013 22:53

OK why not call the police non-emergency number 101.

You can ask to talk to their domestic violence team and discuss it. They won't come round with blue lights flashing but they will talk to you about what's going on and give you advice.

However, I'd call NCDV (link above) if I were you.

Would it help you to leave your current home and start afresh somewhere else?

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/05/2013 22:53

I probably wouldn't call in the middle of the night for a non urgent query, but in the day is fine. If you don't get through, let them call you back. They are there for advice and support :)

Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:58

Iv just called NCDV they advised me to call 101 , an they are going to get a consultant to call me back he said will probs be tomorrow now Hmm , i want to call 101 but is it to small of a thing ?

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Original poster
SummersComing1111 · 03/05/2013 22:58

And yes i need to leave from where i sm he lives 10 mins walking distance away

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