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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving DH today- why am I so scared?

61 replies

GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 08:09

Hi all, I'm finally moving out today with dcs. Leaving dh of 9years. It's been a long time coming I guess. Some of you may recall my thread around a week ago.

I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Almost like I'm about to jump head first off a cliff.

The last week has been hell, it's not healthy for anyone but why am I feeling like this??

Have others felt like this as they were leaving?? Cold sweats, feeling sick etc??

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 03/05/2013 08:11

I think you are very courageous and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life xxx

ivanapoo · 03/05/2013 08:11

You are not jumping off a cliff. You are leaping to a better future.

Good luck for today, you'll be fine.

Lweji · 03/05/2013 08:13

It's not easy, no.
You are leaving towards the unknown and simply moving can be traumatic.
You will be fine, though, and happier. :)

Just concentrate on what you need to do and ignore the butterflies.

TequilaMockinBird · 03/05/2013 08:15

Well done for making this decision. Yes it is normal to feel like this as you are leaving your 'normality' and venturing into the unknown.

You will be fine though, go be happy and don't look back.

Good luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 08:15

Any big change in your life - and this is as big as they get - is going to be accompanied by fears, doubts and anticipation. You're going to need lots of RL support to help you cross this particular bridge but, once you're on the other side, you should start to feel a whole lot better.

Very best of luck

Wereonourway · 03/05/2013 08:18

Wishing you the very best of luck.

I've no doubt that you will look back on this time and the only regret you will have is not doing it sooner.

Well done for finding the strength to leave x

musickeepsmesane · 03/05/2013 08:20

Making major changes is always scary. There will be adrenalin, fear of the changes but hopefully most of all, excitement and looking forward to a more positive future. I would be feeling sick and shaking! All the best to you and your family. Imagine how you will be feeling tonight in your new place Flowers

BranchingOut · 03/05/2013 08:20

Can you have someone with you?

I read your other thread and was concerned for your safety. It is said that the most risky point for a woman is when she is leaving.

GingerBlondecat · 03/05/2013 08:22

((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))) Please be safe Flowers

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 08:28

Thanks so much everyone, your support is amazing.

He's turned my family against me and I only really have my parents now. I look at my small dcs and just feel like a massive big let down.

He keeps telling me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Ill regret it and never be happy, I'm ruining kids lives etc etc.

I know so many of you are parenting alone and I've read that it's tough but rewarding.

I just feel sick with nerves and forget butterflies, feels like I've got hungry piranhas in my stomach.

I don't know how some of you have done it. It's the most scariest thing I've ever done.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 08:49

"He keeps telling me... " I hate miserable bastards like this. Not content with making your life a torment they have to metaphorically sit on your shoulder whispering negative crap in your ear, trying to bring you down even further. Movie stars and rock stars have flunkies and hangers-on around them saying 'you're marvellous' all the time. We all need a bit of that because life's tough enough as it is. Losers like your STBX are anti-flunkies. Arseholes.

The biggest mistake of your life would be sticking around. Beaming you the strength to hold your head high, pick up your stuff and walk out of the door without a backward glance. Beat your fears now and you will have the confidence to know that there is nothing you can't do

Courage!!!!

ElectricSheep · 03/05/2013 09:00

Just weather the storm of fear. Or, as they say, feel the fear and do it anyway. You will be ok. I was terrified and it took me about 3 days just to calm down and sleep again which was quite useful because I got a lot of my unpacking done in that time Grin

Most of the fears I had were proved groundless and we managed fine. And I think the first year I moved was honestly the happiest year of my life.... the freedom was just bliss and the peace of mind was like a warm blanket surrounding me all the time. And don't forget mn is here to help you resolve any problems. Best of luck for you moving.

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 09:04

Cogito, thank you xx

He is very bitter and of course it's understandable to a large extent as he is losing his family, especially the dcs. But none of this was intentional and it's not like I'm doing this for the fun of it. I mean nobody marries and has dcs with the intention that they will bugger off one day right.

I keep having second thoughts too. Am I doing the right thing? Are things really that bad? Am I sure I can't stay, maybe if we do xyz then things will get better? Maybe given time, counselling, we might be ok.
Someone on here said that sometimes you can get sentimental about your crap relationship and cling into the few good times you had and amplify them in your head. Convince yourself that things weren't really that bad right?

What if once I've left I regret it? Dh has actually told me that he's looking to get married again pretty much straightaway. Once I walk out of his door, I can't ever look back.

Anybody seen my backbone anywhere? Or perhaps someone might have a spare pair of balls they can lend me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 09:07

Electric, I hear you, the lack of sleep I think will for sure come in useful.

I can hand on heart say that posting on mn and reading similar threads has really massively helped. Since I don't have any RL help or support, I shall be relying on mn heavily I think.

OP posts:
LadySlatternlysHoover · 03/05/2013 09:12

I don't know your backstory GroundHog, but from this thread alone it is obvious that you are not someone that has not already considered things very carefully to get to the point you are now.

Try and concentrate on the reasons why you are leaving. Amplify those in your head to give you the strength you need today. Remain positive and keep posting on MN !!!

Sending you positive vibes and love xx

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 09:22

Lady- thank you x trust me I should be entered into the Guinness book for considering things. All I've done for past few years is consider them. But thinking and doing are very different aren't they.

Now that I'm actually 'doing', it's a million times worse than I anticipated.

OP posts:
musickeepsmesane · 03/05/2013 09:43

I don't need my balls today so you can have them. I have a failed relationship behind me. And that was the best place for it. Emotionally abusive partners never take responsibility for their actions. Nothing will change if you stay. That would be worse I think. Break the day down into doable sections. For the next hours I will pack xyz. After that I will clean abc, and so on. Focus on your future. Seriously, as you are walking away there is no feeling like it. My ex took everything I had saved and worked hard for but the feeling of freedom............. you can't beat it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 09:47

" Dh has actually told me that he's looking to get married again pretty much straightaway. "

Meaning he's got some candidates lined up, presumably. Hmm Yet more reason for you to go and make a better life for yourself.

ElectricSheep · 03/05/2013 09:48

Where are you Ground? Would like any real mn help today?

NicknameTaken · 03/05/2013 09:53

Good luck with it! And yes, this is what it feels like. It is the effect of the adrenalin surging through your body, and the adrenalin is useful. You are having your "fight or flight" response triggered to help you with the flight. Think of it as your body trying to help you.

Once you get out, you might have a sudden crash and feel utterly, utterly drained. That's okay too - go with it and take the rest you need.

Don't indulge in any thoughts about "what if" - what if we had counselling, he changed, etc etc. Any time you feel such a thought forming in your mind, just squash it ruthlessly. Don't trust your feelings right now - they will take a while to catch up with what your head knows.

And good luck again! Courage!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/05/2013 09:54

Good luck Ground You know deep down you're doing the right thing. There may be many times you look back and think 'god have a made a mistake' but ultimately you know you're not.

mummyinred · 03/05/2013 10:01

As others have said to feel scared is perfectly normal. You're a very courageous woman who has made a positive decision to change the lives of yourself and your children. Being a single mum can be tough but as you know so can being a mum with a partner. You can also be very happy as a single mum and one day like me you could meet a wonderful new partner. Best of luck for today. Sending you lots of strength.

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 10:25

Awww thanks so so much everyone. Isn't it amazing that people you have known all your life can abandon you and write you off when you need them most but strangers on a forum are there for you giving you exactly what you need ie support.

I am going to take on everybodies advice and just keep my head up and carry on.

Electric- I am in the north west area, thanks so much for offering, it's mad that you would offer even, it really means alot. Dh has kindly 'packed' our things into bin bags so it's just a case of going through the 5million black bags and finding essentials like socks and underwear.

I don't feel courageous at all, I feel like I'm running away from my problems tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 03/05/2013 10:25

Music- thanks for the balls. Attaching them right now ;-)

OP posts:
Fairydogmother · 03/05/2013 10:29

best of luck OP - lots of courage and hugs to you

i also felt sick to my core when i left although i was lucky that it wasnt an abusive relationship. its a very hard thing to get up the courage to do but it WILL be ok.

4 years on and i'm so glad i did it. keep posting and keep your new future in your sights

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