The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Whacking The Wine Witch Round The Chops (With Barry The Squid).

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse :)

I'm one of the Brave Babes who's travelling on this wonderful, magical, mysterious Bus, trying to hold onto my sobriety for me, and for my family.

I do drink but thanks to this Bus, I've kicked the vodka addiction into touch and the evil WineWitch has been banished far, far away so I now drink in a controlled manner, One Day At A Time. :)

By that, I mean that just for today, I won't be drinking. Tomorrow, however, I will be because it's a very special occasion. The day after will be dealt with when I wake, and the day after that, the day after etc.....

We're a Bus filled with some fantastic posters, some who drink, some who don't touch a drop ever and some who are on/off drinkers who have lovely warm seats in the side-car, some are hanging onto the roof-rack by the tips of their fingers and trying their best to resist the dreaded WineWitch's charms night after night. But they are trying, and that's all that any of us can do, is keep trying, keep starting again!

So, if you think that you're drinking too much (you probably are) why not come and say hi? We won't bite - unless you ask very nicely, manners cost nothing .

There's lots of seats so pick whichever one you like and have a . Just jump in, we're not a judgemental pack of quiche makers

And here's a bit of light reading for you.... our latest thread and the very first one, the reason we're all here.

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

Full Hope you are feeling okay tomorrow. Keep posting, tell us how you are

Remembering about posting into the void... lonnika I hope you got my apology earlier

Sorry Alias I had meant to say I'm really glad it went well with the GP and good luck with your new meds - see you weren't wasting their time x

Thx greeneyed - I know tomorrow will be awful. I am planning to be dead calm in midst of all !!! Will practice zen :-)

Isindie - all posts help me whether they are from people who have given completely, partially or those still drinking.
Alias - yes I got the apology :) lol - no need
Thisismytime well done on waking up to day 2.
Full hope you ok -
Day 16 here - Day 16 whoop whoop - cant blooming believe it :)

Isinde Have PM'd you but just wanted to say that I don't hold anyone responsible for me feeling upset last week. It was just a shit week and I lean on this Bus too much for support. We all, on here, have hectic lives and can't always find something in someone's post to empathise with or sometimes, just don't know what to say. I honestly don't hold anyone but myself responsible. I should get my shit together and seek out help in RL.

You sound really down? Sorry you had a bad night last night. Please don't go. Your posts and support have been wonderful (besides, you said you 'heart' me! ).

I understand what you mean about feeling a little envious of Richard. He's been plucked out of RL and is being looked after. He needs that to survive. Just sometime, I'd like to not have all this RL shit to deal with.

I'm just off on the school run and will read back up the thread later this morning.

Isinde - Stay, please. xxxxxxx

Hi only got min. Ionnika well done !!!!! And thx!
Isinde dont go. If u r getting any help from here at all dont go. We need to have lots of different types of support including this log.
I dont find anyone here cliquey at all (and im a newbie) so I dont think anyone needs to worry bout that.

Got to go to my hopefully not too catastrophic day (ill report back later!) Back to day 1:-(

isinde I love reading your posts and your poems! I think if you go back and look at yourself 3 years ago you will find a different person. Maybe you haven't beaten all your addictions yet, but you have learnt a lot and generally strive to put things into practice.

greeny thanks for asking. The new drug (which I've never even heard of - lofepramine - was disastrous the first night. Not sure whether it was side-effects, or if I managed to overdose on serotonins (taking a double-dose to kickstart the new medication, while still taking the old one...) Ended up sleeping for about 2 hours on Monday night, and I was shaking, palpitations, heart thumping.

Since the one thing I am paranoid about is insomnia, to sleep so badly was freaking me out. At 4am I was in tears convinced I would never sleep again. Anyway, I'm being more sensible with the dose now and hopefully will get over any side-effects.

I did wish I could have a drink to take away the edge off anxiety but don't have any in the house, and trying to will stick to the new routine of not having any during the week.

Isinde, I don't want you to go. I get a lot from your posts, because you write family life (being present but not present, wanting to be present but wanting time alone, being out of time sync) in a way that acknowledges its complexity as no one else does.
I am sorry you were blue-drunk last night and I hope you feel better soon. I wish you were here to have coffee with me and a chat. I hope you have someone to have coffee with this morning. Take it easy.

Alias, sorry to hear your drugs aren't agreeing with you yet. I know that feeling. I hope it all calms down.

Purple, I know - "stop the world, I'm getting off" - if only. a few weeks ago I was fantasising about deliberately breaking my leg.

lonnika - DAY 16! Bloody well done that woman.

Thisismytime - day 1 down, well done.

fullofhopefulness, good luck for today, sorry if I have missed it but is today a big / stressful day? Thinking of you anyway, come and tell us how it goes.

ME ME ME:
Still chasing my bloody mortgage and now investigating the complaints procedure.
Day 4 here.
Have discovered, because of a mix up, I have been drinking real tea instead of decaf in the evening (I thought it was very nice) so am surprised at how well I have been sleeping. Can only get better if I go back to decaf.
Putting on weight: don't care. Just going to keep focusing on not drinking this week, and will diet next week. Have just eaten a croissant.
Worrying about being homeless I did some breathing exercises on the train and I can't believe that they actually help. I can't stop thinking about where we are going to live, and I don't have a solution, but it really helps to physically manage my body for a few minutes and come out the other side feeling different.

lon you are doing so well, tell me have you lost weight?, how's your skin?, do you feel happier? inside don't you desert me now, your posts are articulate and real, i can see you in your kitchen tidying up listening to the radio in my head so I feel I know you. This may sound strange but I feel comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who keeps falling off the bus, it means it can't be that easy to stay on and I'm not just a failure!! We learn as much from failure as success and if it was all success and swishy hair, this bus would
Not have the honesty and integrity it does and you are part of that, so there!!!!!! X x x x x

Curry Thank you for your kind words. I was surprised to hear you say I mean if there is a hierarchy of pain, which there isn't, but if there was, I am basically just not allowed to talk to you. And many others on here. It's all subjective, Lovely, and nobody is more or less deserving of being listened to than anyone else. Everyone's worries/problems are just as important. Moving house (or trying to) is exhausting, frustrating and totally nerve racking. The legal/financ people don't seem to understand that this is a life changing event for you - for them it's just another day in the office and they don't seem to see anything as urgent. I feel for you. I think not worrying about the food aspect just now is a good plan. Good luck with your mortgage.

Ionn Well done on day 16! Pom poms!

Full Good luck on your Day 1.

Joey Sorry to hear about your awful 4am sleep panic. Sometimes, the more we panic about sleeping, the less able we are to get to sleep. It's hard not to worry when there are so many people relying on us. Hope your meds have settled down now?

Green "Feel too fat"? I know how you feel. I'm guiltily pleased the sun has disappeared for a while as I can go back into my 'hide everything' clothes. Hope you had a good night's sleep?

Baby You are sounding really positive! How's it going?

Ma So lovely to hear about Richard. You must be so relieved. Will you/can you visit? And you are right about the path alcohol can take us on.

Venus I liked what you wrote about the mix of emotions. Wanting to be heard, afraid of asking, not wanting too much intrusion and, possibly, wanting someone to swoop down and figure it all out for us - a bit like a small child. I'm a sad mix of wanting someone to take over and help me but way to controlling to ever be able to let go of that much control. It scares me.

WW seems to have me in a bit of a vice grip just now. The ankle thing is now depressing me - rather than annoying me. Over 4 weeks and still limping. Ho hum.

Mouse Hope you and Nemo are doing well?

Hi to all the Babes xxxx

lonnika day 16! That is so brilliant, well done!

babyjane agreed the Bus is definitely not all success and swishy hair! (Even if I were to quit drinking, my hair would still never by swishy!)

purple I can really feel your fear and depression. Wanting someone to swoop down and take over, oh yes. I always wanted my therapist to act like a mother-figure (which she wasn't) and felt neglected if she didn't treat me like a child and instantly know what was wrong. I don't know what to suggest, it's so hard to stay strong for other people, isn't it?

Hi babes,
Sorry, I haven't been on for a while because of work and travelling and some more excuses.
I have a first appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm a bit freaked out about it. I don't know how it's going to go. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up that I can start getting to a mentally-healthier place, only to get nowhere again. I'm also afraid of them telling me that I'm an alcoholic and need to go to AA. I know that's a stupid thing to be afraid of though.

Purple " I'm a sad mix of wanting someone to take over and help me but way to controlling to ever be able to let go of that much control. It scares me."

This is exactly how I feel right now.

Oh well. I'm starting Shred again today, so I'll distract myself by doing that in the meantime.

Have a good day everyone.

Thanks Joey Hug gratefully received. My therapist was a chap. I did the 'normal' thing (ha, made myself laugh there!) maybe predictable is a better word, of getting too attached to him. Never said anything to that effect but a) made sure I looked my very best for my appointments and, more worrying, b) stopped being able to tell him the truth. I wanted him to think he was doing great with me and found it hard to say anything where I thought he might judge me badly. Abso-fucking-ridiculous of me! I have to say, though, I only recognised this stuff in that precise place that is 'hindsight'.

Theala Wishing you all the very best for your appointment this afternoon. I understand when you speak about the disappointment of getting nowhere. Once you've screwed your courage up and got yourself some help - and it doesn't work out - it's very discouraging. I always feel a mixture of 'I'm not worth it', 'Why did I bother', 'I knew they'd let me down' and 'Fuck it! Where's the wine?!' (often accompanied by copious amounts of tears!) In reality, for me, it's my responsibility to keep looking until I find some peace from my addiction and my head - sometime, though, it's hard to find the courage and effort. Try and keep an open mind for this afternoon. You may just find someone switched on and who is fantastic for you. I'll have my fingers crossed for you. Let us know how it goes later - good or bad?

Thank you Purple. Your kind words have made me well up again. I'll come back later to let you know how it goes. xx

curry you mentioned breathing exercises etc, I don't know if you're interested but I would totally reccommend the FREE podcasts from the Mental Health Foundation. Most of them (with the exception of 'Overcoming Fear and Anxiety' which I think is rubbish, and I told them so ) are really good. I listen to the Sleep ones nearly every night.

Babes for the love of jeff,god, the goddess, flying spaghetti monsters- NO ONE GO ANYWHERE (except AA or alternatives)

isinde you have made me really cross, you are a well loved and highly respected poster on here, although I will point out that the bus has very low standards YOU don't know what effect your posts have, how they help other babes but I'm quite sure they do. Don't go anywhere. Hope you don't feel too grotty today. Hang on, I feel the need for Barry...

Just checking in and shouting at people. I have huge news... ds finally did a poo on his potty! I was sure that he would still be in nappies at 30. Right he's demanding attention now and hanging off my neck so I'm not going to name check- sorry! But wishing everyone a sober and happy wednesday.

Loved that Guggs Hoorah for poo in the potty!! [streamers emoticon]

Three cheers for the poo!

Please come back isinde you don't know what you're missing (although with toddler twins, maybe you know more than enough about poo )

Hurray for potty success!

I didn't watch the whole of "high on alcohol" but some at the beginning and some at the end. You get the impression that he was a person with a lot of problems, but also there seemed to be a key moment when his father died.
Drifting around the internet... (too much, instead of working) various things have resonated with each other: the thread on here about young people and sexuality and the age of consent, on which I hope my dds will grow up secure and with good boundaries; the Oxfordshire abuse ring in the news.... those girls were chosen because they were vulnerable. Angelina Jolie and her breasts... GODDAMMIT I HAVE TO NOT DIE. Thinking about what happens to children who lose their parents is too awful.
Today I will not be drinking.

curry I so agree - there seems to be so much around that is painful and difficult, and for each scenario I think 'I hope if were in that position, I'd do the right thing (for me and for my family)'. Yet I know that that belies the massive risks that I took in my own situation - ignoring ALL the health risks of drinking; ignoring the probable impact that my drinking habits had on my (then) teenage dcs; ignoring the obvious risk when I was driving ; ignoring how my work and livelihood was being affected.

Hi. Well, I'm back from the psych, with a prescription for citalopram and xanax, and an appointment again in two weeks.
I've never taken anything like this before, but it's worth a shot, right? I don't think I could feel much worse than I do now anyway. And my self-medicating with wine was obviously not the answer. So.

I watched the whole of that Ryan documentary, curry (I've been getting no work done today). It was awfully sad. Such a beautiful young man, he was, with so many people who loved him.