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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU or a bit precious?

26 replies

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 28/04/2013 23:16

So I knew dh was a keen fisherman when I met him.

He does go a lot. And when he's home he's looking at fish his mates have caught on Facebook, or getting fishing stuff ready, or making baits up, etc.

So AIBU to expect him to stay at home and spend some time with me and the dc's when he gets a few days off before he starts a huge new contract and won't be home much?

Instead of which he spent three days fishing. Came home the day before he went to work.

AIBU? Or is he taking the piss now? I think I'm used to being second best to a hobby but I don't want the dc's growing up thinking they're second best too.

I have tried to explain how I feel. I know he's always fished but surely now we've got children he can see that his hobby is not the priority anymore?

I think I'm past caring for myself but its not fair on them. We could have done something together but instead he chose to piss off by himself.

OP posts:
Lueji · 28/04/2013 23:21

He's off all by himself, leaving you to care for the children and the house?

How much "me" time do you get?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 28/04/2013 23:25

"surely now we've got children he can see that his hobby is not the priority anymore?"

Perhaps, genuinely,he can't. Have you spoken to him?

WafflyVersatile · 28/04/2013 23:26

Tricky isn't it. 'If you love someone set them free' yawn. There is a balance to be struck when you are in a relationship and have children. It doesn't sound like it is being struck here. Not an uncommon problem.

How would he feel if you'd said, 'Excellent, you've got a few days free so I've booked myself a spa with the girls and you can be incharge the kids. I'll be back the day before you go'?

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 28/04/2013 23:38

He'd have been a bit annoyed Waffly.

Trouble is I don't have any hobbies. I like reading and the odd film and a bit of shopping with friends and I like my newspaper in the morning, but I don't have a job or a specific hobby, as such. I'm a sahm and I think he thinks I have it easy. I guess I don't have the pressure or responsibility that he has.

Therefore, I don't need any time off to do anything.

Which is why I sit here late into the evening watching crap on the tele and eating crap and putting on weight and spending money online that I don't have.

Anyway, not drop feeding but his time is clearly more important than mine. Hmm

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 28/04/2013 23:49

I think your DH sounds incredibly selfish tbh.

Being a SAHM is not a skive and you deserve as much leisure time without the children as he does.

Shellywelly1973 · 29/04/2013 00:07

Find a hobby, friends etc. Im going to leave dp but that another thread!

My dp never changed he just carried on doing what he does & i looked after the dc. I resent him deeply.

Your dh won't change, not unless you make him. Why should he? he's got his cake & eating it!

caroldecker · 29/04/2013 00:19

Have you spoken to him?

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/04/2013 00:20

Oh Shelly. Sorry.

I bet it started like this didn't it? Him being selfish and you resenting him.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 29/04/2013 01:05

Maybe you should put that question to him?

cronullansw · 29/04/2013 06:36

So there I was thinking, ''right, I'm starting that new contract soon, won't be home much after that, so man, I've just gotta get my last fishing trip in. So I mentioned it to the wife who said, 'sure, you go right ahead.' Good on her eh? What a great girl, so anyway, I went and it was great, but I think the Mrs is a bit sad about me leaving for this contract as she seemed a bit off with me.

mrscynical · 29/04/2013 07:39

This is why when I was internet dating I would never consider a bloke who put up pictures of him holding a large fish. These pictures are second only to the blokes who think a picture of them in a pub with their face partly hidden by the bottom of a pint glass is going to attract women.

I like a man who has interests/hobbies but I draw the line at fishing. For one thing, as you state, they spend days and nights at it. Plus it's so bloody boring. At least when a man comes back from a football match you can talk about the game, trip on the coach, who went with him and then watch the highlights on the telly. But with fishing...

I do not think you are being precious or unreasonable but you must have known when you met him what his passion is. Therefore I am afraid you have to accept that even if he cuts down he will always want to do it.

foxybingodotcom · 29/04/2013 10:17

My DH golfs and works a lot, I have never really minded and we always enjoyed the time together we had. But when our first DC was born I spoke to him about how important family time was to me now we had a child and we agreed that no matter what else was going on we'd keep Sunday's clear for us. It works really well and we all know where we stand of a week.

ThePavlovianCat · 29/04/2013 10:44

The thing is, he should want to spend time with you and the children as well as giving you some time off because you need a break.

Startail · 29/04/2013 10:50

1 days fishing, 1 day doing jobs he won't do when busy, one day DCs.

I'm assuming DCs are relatively small? My older DDs organise DH for me.

Mumsyblouse · 29/04/2013 10:55

Three days once a year, agreed in advance with you, you also get the odd weekend to yourself/with the girls= fine.

Three days taken off just before starting a contract job, partner exhausted plus wanted to do family stuff= not fine.

It's not the quantity, it's the fairness, plus as you say, I am surprised he can't see the need for family time or even look forward to it. I think if he can't make up sensible rules for himself, then you will have to talk with him and tell him what you find acceptable. By the way, my DH has a time consuming hobby plus is a bit of a workaholic, but I don't mind it, but I do have some times/events which I feel are basic- so fine to go out very late Fri, but he takes children to clubs on Sat, or fine to work Sat, but family time Sunday. It's not that hard to balance.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/04/2013 11:02

You do have hobbies, they're called reading and a social life.

I think one of the reasons that men's hobbies are typically taken more seriously and priveleged over women's hobbies in this society, is that they are often easier to label as one distinct activity e.g. 'fishing', 'football', even though these are actually composites of the activity, travel, drinking afterwards, chatting with friends, reading about and watching the activity on telly, rather than 'a diverse social and rich inner life' which comprises numerous smaller, apparently disconnected activities.

One of the other reasons is that a lot of men think they're more important than women, including those they love and some women allow and enable them to think that.

Did your DH want children? If so, you need to challenge him on his lack of interest in spending time with them and as a family. Even if he's happy not to spend extended time with them, you need to make clear that this is not acceptable to you, you look after them full time and then some and need time off too.

Frankly, whatever anyone's working hours or levels of stress or responsibility, the idea that it is up to him to decide what time of you 'deserve' (never mind that this is next to none) is disdainful and shows he does not care about how you feel or what you get out of life i.e. he does not love or respect you. You are his chattel.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/04/2013 11:11

p.s. I bet you had an active social life, spent plenty of time reading and had interesting holdays before you got together - and he knew this when he met and dated you.

Don't accept any suggestion of 'you knew I did this when we met'. You both did other things, then you decided to have a family and both of your lives changed - or should have done. He's not single anymore, unless he'd rather be?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 29/04/2013 11:18

Oh dear. You are not being precious.

I am a SAHM and it is true that at times, I do have an easy life. It does not follow that I should forgo any leisure time. This is simply wrong logic.

Being a partner in a traditional household does not equate to being a house slave. Even 1950 housewifes had leisure time. My MIL, now 73' was a SAHM. Yet she did OU and other pursuits.

If you are unhappy, please do talk to him and put times for yourself into place. You say you have tried to explain to him how you feel and this did not work. I would explain again. Maybe google and print out the salary of a nanny / cleaner / childminder, to put into perpective what you are contributing to the household.

At any rate, please me proactive and stop punishing yourself (crap food, TV, etc.).

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/04/2013 21:43

Three days once a year, agreed in advance with you

Oh bless you Mumsy. It's more like three days a month.

I think I know deep down he's just bit selfish. I think he genuinely doesn't see a problem. We've had issues in the past with him perusing porn. Every time I catch him at it I feel pissed off with him for ignoring my opinion on it the last time I caught him. I think the fishing is just an extension of it.

Him big boss man, me lucky sahm lead life of riley woman.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 29/04/2013 21:54

He's incredibly selfish.

My husband is obsessed with cricket (yawn) and in the first couple of years of our relationship we had several battles over him putting it first. He learned how to balance it better and discussed it with me if it was going to encroach too much (eg being asked to play two days over the weekend) and generally it is fine. He had been single for a long time prior to meeting me so it was understandable it took some working out.

Now we have a baby he doesn't want to spend all his free time playing. He does often want to go and watch when he isn't but he wants to take the baby with him (and markets it as giving me a break :D)

CocktailQueen · 29/04/2013 22:07

Defending fishermen here ... My dh fishes, but he doesn't do overnights or anything. It is possible to fish for only an evening per week.nyour dh is being a selfish arse I am afraid. Talk to him!

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/04/2013 22:51

Well I suppose very slightly in his defence he does go overnight and come back in the morning sometimes.

I've just run up a hypothetical list of costs if I went back to work full time. Child care and cleaning etc. Showed it to him, said I was considering my options for earning a bit of money. It was about £600odd a month so I'd have to earn a fair whack for us to afford that as well. Then I casually said the figures might come in handy if I ever had to work out what maintenance and tax credits I might be entitled to as a single parent. Shock

And of course he wouldn't be able to spend his weekends fishing because he'd be having the dc's to stay. Shock

He put on his best call-your-bluff face and agreed with me. Said of course he wouldn't go fishing if he had to mind the dc's on his own. Totally called my bluff. Didn't look shocked at the suggestion or anything. Made out like it was a perfectly normal suggestion. He is a stubborn bloody git. Sad

OP posts:
Sneakymeezer · 05/05/2013 06:22

Oh good :)
Well now that he's agreed that fishing every weekend is not vital to life time to discuss his time and your time re interests. Good luck!

Sneakymeezer · 05/05/2013 06:23

that's a sarcastic smiley btw - didn't come out the way it should have...

CheerfulYank · 05/05/2013 06:38

It's got to be fair! DH also fishes (and builds things at a friend's workshop, and plays darts) but I get just as much time to see friends, etc, or I get verrrrrrry irritated. And I'm also a SAHM but we split lie ins (I get Saturday and he gets a long nap after Mass on Sunday), although now that I'm 37 weeks pregnant I get them all. :o

Make plans of your own soon when he will be there to watch the DC!