The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

[LoserNoMore]

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

she just beeped the horn when dropping dd's off and gave me a wave.

Sorry, but what??! What's all that about? Sorry LNM, and I know I'm banging on about this but this is playing on my mind a lot. I know your ex has to be accountable ultimately for all this mess, but is there anyone in his family that's telling him to accept that he's broken your marriage, beyond repair? It feels to me (and again, I know I'm possible way off the mark here) that no-one is giving him the royal kick up the backside that this man-child needs. It's still possible to love someone AND tell them that they've messed up. I'm betting that she just wants you to accept and move on because him living with her for this long is starting to grate on her nerves.

Still no excuse for sitting down and talking with you to see how you are. And where is your MIL in all this? You deserve more support LNM you really do and it's not something I feel I can ask, but I get the feeling that your own parents aren't around (sorry if that's too intrusive)

I'm not sure I'd want my dd's around this SIL tbh, especially if she's of the opinion that you're 'preventing' the repair of your marriage by refusing to see him. What is she telling them? What is HE telling them? What's your IL's saying? Truly - I'm baffled by their distance from you in all of this. Has he been feeding them some line that he was 'forced' to go wandering?

God, I know I've ranted LNM but this recent event of your ex and his Sis has angered me SO much. Sorry if I'm way off the mark here - you have enough on your plate without some outraged hormonal MN'er ranting on and filling your head with nonsense.

And one who doesn't proof-read before posting too. Apologies for all the typo's

What do you think you've started that's really fucking stupid LNM

LNM he started this not you!

He'sATwuntTiggaxx

you never started anything lnm - you're just picking up the pieces and dealing with the consequences.

sad about your sil. it is very sad to find out relationships you thought were genuine were actually conditional. that's what it is really isn't it? it turns out her care and involvement with you was conditional upon you being with him i'm sorry that turns out to be the case but it often does doesn't it? the truly genuine people who live by decent ethics even when things get messy are pretty rare ime. that sounds depressing but it's just a fact of life and one that can be quite hard to accept if you yourself, and i suspect you are, are a person who does stand by their ethics and try to live fairly and honestly even if it is hard.

i spent a long time being hurt repeatedly by a sense of being let down and betrayed and mystified by how people can do the wrong thing. i think i've accepted that that is just how most people are now and i tend to see it as weakness rather than maliciousness or it being personal to me.

i'm sounding very pompous i know. the thing is though you are a decent person with standards and principles that you stick to. you are discovering that the people around you who you trusted are not the same and perhaps even worse didn't get that you ARE that way. if he knew you he'd have known you wouldn't tolerate this. if she'd have known you she'd have known you wouldn't accept it and would be standing by you in that.

they're disappointing.

i hope you have at least one friend who is solid and decent and actually knows and 'gets' you and your principle/ethic in life. one is enough and make sure you keep talking to them if they're around.

i do wonder if they've all had a bit of an easy life so haven't had to grow decent back bones like you have through being without your family.

LNM - what do you think you've started? You didnt cause this mess HE did. You didnt dump the kids and go to the pub, HE did. You didnt force yourself into his house and then try to kiss you while pinning your arms to the side, HE did.

HE did all this, and nobody seems to be giving him a bollocking for it (except you)

If I were your SIL I would be round at yours making sure my nieces were ok, making sure you were ok, seeing if I could do anything - oh and yes, I would be giving my Dbrother a right, royal bollocking for what he did!

Try not to dwell on it. You're safe & he backed off - if he'd meant to hurt you he would have tried to carry on. Like you said, he's not actually been abusive before, he was just being a drunken idiot, not that that's much of an excuse. Hopefully he'll remember & cringe tomorrow & not dare try any funny tricks for a while.

no funny tricks for a while- for a while is not good enough.
never. ever. again.

It is assault. sorry to put it in black and white but it is. so don't minimise it. he did something very wrong. if you don't make it clear that it is very wrong he will minimise this the same as he minimises his affair and everything else. he can't help it. he loves you. blah blah blah.

and next time (god forbid) he may escalate. I hope I am wrong. but just be on guard. don't let him terrorise you in your own home. make it clear next time it IS the police.

I know you know him and he has never been abusive before...but you never thought he would cheat, you never thought he would be such an idiot about it afterwards. he is full of surprises.

This is NOT a criticism of your awareness LNM. I just think that the way he has been behaving lately he may as well have been a stranger for how much he is different from the man you loved. God knows where this idiot sprang from but he is clearly not the husband and father you knew. IYSWIM.

and fwiw trying to turn the responsibility around on you, asking you to look what it is doing to the kids etc. is a form of emotional abuse as are the threats to move in with gf/not move in with gf, phoning you at all hours etc. as is cheating on you in the first place.

time to make a clear boundary- he does not come into the house if he does you will call the police.

I agree. I've been mulling this over during my Family Law revision this morning and I think it's time for a solicitor's letter. I know it's expensive and I wish I was qualified - I'd write you one for free. But this is an escalation. He crossed several boundaries - leaving dds, drinking. But he crossed a physical boundary too...into YOUR home and then he laid hands on you. This is entirely unacceptable. He may be sorry after the fact but that doesn't cut it. He frightened you. If he can do it once, it can happen again. I would suggest that he planned this - it wasn't dutch courage - he knew how he wanted this to work.

Sending you strength and support. If this continues, it could end in Molestation orders etc. Perhaps worth attempting to nip it in the bud now by sending a clear warning shot?

You are an incredible woman. Strong, protective but in a situation not of your making. Please put your safety and peace of mind (and your dds) above his. He has no concept of the seriousness of what he's done at any stage of this process as far as I can see.

Lots of other replies and hard to scan back and forth but I'll have a proper read on laptop later. My heads a mess today. Work is the utter bollocks it always is. Keep having to leave the office and compose myself wipe snot and dab eyes don't know what's up with me. I feel like my heads in a vice and someone is tightening it. My heart keeps racing and I feel really panicky! Don't know if it's just lack of sleep and food, probably.

All in all a fucking brilliant day.

I so hope you get that new job this week. I don't think that situation is helping anything. Have a bloody great ((hug)).

And another from me ((((hug))))

It's stress LNM. Classic symptoms. It's all to be expected at this point in time but will not last. Hold onto that knowledge. This will not last

(Plenty on this thread can testify having been through this)

He started this. Only him. You have refused to be a doormat. That's not 'starting' anything

Thank you. I've never felt so stressed in my life. Dd's are at activities, I've been crying into my pillow for past 45 minutes like a right baby.

sometimes a good cry is just whats needed. You can only control your emotions for a little while, they have to be let out.

have a big from me.

crying is a release valve, it is something that you need to do

And tomorrow is another day! Cry when you need to as its important. And you should never feel ashamed or annoyed at yourself. It's only natural and to be expected.

I too really hope that you get the job - I reckon that would really be the start of a new and more positive chapter in your life. Although if you don't get it there will be something else (better) and it was never meant to be!

I'd love to be your friend and live close by so that I could offer you some rl support - if only to come and drink wine with you or watch crap tv and slag off men in general

Bad day today - better one tomorrow

Hi LNM, I've been away for a few days and just caught up, I'm so so sorry to hear that you're in a bad way this evening and have had such a difficult few days.

That Loser ex really is a shitbag isn't he? It's all about him and what he's lost, I wonder how forgiving and ready to 'put the past behind us and move on' he would have been if it'd been you who'd done the lying and the shagging around? As for turning up drunk and all the rest of it, that's just unbelievably out of order.

I really agree with whoever it was ^^ up thread who said about putting it in writing and maybe even getting a solicitor's letter, he needs firm boundaries and you need to feel safe - and you need to be sure he's sober and sensible when he's looking after your DDs. The lock / chain on your door is a good idea too.

And yes, you need to cry. You've been through a truly horrendous time and stress hits us at different times in different ways, sometimes you can move through it, other times it wallops you like a freight train. Be kind and gentle to yourself, almost as if it were one of your DDs going through it - do to yourself what you would do to her. A warm bath with lavender or rose oil if you have any, chamomile tea, soft comfy clothes and a good book or something uplifting and heartwarming on the TV.

We're all here rooting for you and sending you so much love. Let yourself cry and then let yourself rest. You'll feel better in the morning.

Big hugs ((( )))

Thanks for all the advice. I know I need to cry , I always just put a lid on emotions and paint on a brave face but it's getting to the stage that no amount of covering up is going to hide it. I just don't like not being in control of my emotions and find it hard to deal with, well negative emotions. I guess it's better to let it out than have a meltdown in the cereal aisle in Tesco.

A solicitors letter will probably do the trick. I've just been ignoring his texts today apologising again and asking me to reply. I did send him an email last night with everything he done yesterday and he apologised in his reply so I have it on record anyway, not that I know that'll make a difference.

Better go and get this Jolly Phonics homework done with dd3, nothing Jolly about it, I'll tell you!

To not so jolly phonics!!!

I would send one very pointed text to say stop texting and harassing you. You don't want to hear from him unless it is to do with access to your dd's. his constant messaging surely can't be helping?

You've been so brave throughout all this sorry mess - roll on some good news

You are being very 'Scottish' in your emotionsal integrity. I know just what you mean, but you need to have a blub otherwise you WILL be raving in the cereal isle. I can just picture the headline in the local newspaper...

Jolly bloody phonics, I remember them fondly. NOT. This too shall pass, along with the hurt and the rest of the shit he has caused.

We are coming up to Scotland in half term, if you fancy a wee trip to the seaside town that used to have a pavillion with fantastic live bands, now known as a kiddies soft play centre you'd be welcome to spend an afternoon with my lot. Not a glib offer, but an honest one. x

Oops, sorry for X - I do it all the time when texting friends, sometimes my hard Scottish exterior slips, been darn sarf too long.

Just wanted to tell you all something funny that happened last night. Sometimes I can see people round about us in their bathroom - or semi naked getting dressed in their back bedrooms, the houses are sort of a quad but are far enough apart for people to think they have privacy... anyway, DH was having a bath quite late, I was outside smoking putting the cat out and letting dog out for his bedtime wee, looked up and despite having opaque/obscured glass in bathroom I can see the husband clear as day - torso up... but this made me think; if I can see him, his outline quite clearly, then when I am in the shower, or plodding around naked in the bathroom, then others can see me! boobs and all!

I am getting a blind made for the bathroom, I cant stand the thought that some pervy person is getting their jollies from my saggy arse and boobs.

If that hasnt put you all off your dinner - or at least made you think about your own nakedness of an evening nothing will.

Ha ha Jax. Thank you for that.

LNM I felt under siege with texts, calls and emails. Unless it stops you will need for your own sanity, to force a stop to them. At the moment your 'recovery' is impossible because he is dragging you down and screwing with your head.

You will start to move forward once you've shed the anchor to your marriage that he's trying to be

Ha Jax, that is funny! bet your neighbours love you! I'm still trying to get used to living in a bungalow. Having a bedroom on ground floor is strange especially when you forget neighbours are at eye level as you parade around in underwear!

Kiddies soft play, pirate themed? I know where you're talking about I think. I may just take you up on that offer, when is half term where you are? Don't think we have another HT. schools finish up here the end of June.

I know cabbage and imtheonlyone, he's the one who keeps dragging me down with his crap. I knew I'd have bad days but he's making them worse.

our half term is end May. not sure if we are coming up weekend before or going home weekend after. It all depends on DH work schedule and how much my mother and sister drive me crazy!

so, we will be up around 27 May. Oh I forgot about Scottish summer hols being end June. I have been down here too long! If we are up over a weekend - or even pop down for fish n chips after school - I will let you know. Might even have a paddle in the sea.

I agree - give twunt the fright of his life and possible reality check with a solicitor letter. Maybe post in legal for some advice? Wont hurt and its free.

The people on the legal boards are very helpful.