Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

996 replies

LoserNoMore · 23/04/2013 19:06

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 20:28

Candodad, it was me and I'm ok. :)

I was saying before, ex made his way to the kitchen, uninvited. Saying stuff like "why are you doing this, why can't we just forget everything and start again?" I was a bit stunned and I could tell he'd been drinking. Then he turned on the waterworks, telling me to think of the girls and how it's unfair on them. Hmm I told him to get out or I was calling the police. He got up to go then tried to kiss me quite forcefully, holding my arms tight. I struggled away from him and he apologised straight away and walked out.

I called his sister straight away and she said he had left the girls with her around 12 saying he was going to the shop. I asked her if she could bring the girls home and she did.

Ex has sent numerous texts since apologising over and over. I don't think he'll pull a stunt like that again. I just keep thinking I was stupid for giving him the opportunity to get in. He's not some monster though, he's never been abusive, I shouldn't need to feel on guard.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 20:30

Sorry x posted with some posts. I'm ok, honestly

OP posts:
cjel · 12/05/2013 20:31

Galad you are ok, just an idiot not a major threat but he should know that he can't do it again.xx

Fairenuff · 12/05/2013 20:33

Glad to hear you're ok. Maybe you need to get one of those chains on the front door, so that he can't come in again?

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 20:46

Yeah a chain lock is a good idea. I was just caught off guard, he knocked the door then just came in. There are so many other concerns like the fact he was drinking when he was meant to be spending time with dd's for a start. God what a mess.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 12/05/2013 20:54

My ex had a meltdown at the end of our marriage. He alternated between anger, pleading, arsey, kind, caring, vindictive.... I would just start to soften in sympathy when he'd do something really thoughtless or unkind.

I think my ex (and your loser) are suddenly hit with reality. It doesn't match their expectation, they are not in control and like a toddler they tantrum, then plead, cry get angry... It's very unfair that we have to take the brunt of their inability to deal with the consequence if their own behaviour.

Boundaries... I put very big barriers up after exs stunt like this. I haven't taken many down since then. If I didn't them...they wouldn't exist.

imtheonlyone · 12/05/2013 20:55

Oh dear! Glad you're ok LNM - what an idiot!!! Fancy just turning up like that. Don't kick yourself about letting him in, like you said, he caught you completely off guard.

He will get the message sooner or later, but sounds like he's working through his emotions now that he finally realises you're to be taken seriously and that there's no way back!

Hope you're now chilling with a little drink. Take it easy Smile

Bossybritches22 · 12/05/2013 20:55

Good god he's really getting desperate now isn't he silly git, glad you;re Ok.

Yes, think of getting a chain, or a lock on the garden gate if you have one?

CabbageLeaves · 12/05/2013 20:56

I think a formal letter addressing the drinking whilst caring for DC and the forced contact is a good idea. It sets a formal tone, is a written record (dated and contemporaneous) and makes clear your expectation of future behaviour. There can be no doubt or 'misunderstanding' should this happen again

LittleEsme · 12/05/2013 20:58

His head is a mess and you're right in thinking wtf is he doing on the piss when he should be with his dd's. He still won't accept that his marriage to you is over. He still thinks you're over reacting. I wonder how he'd feel if one of your daughters was treated like this by a future husband?

He needs to start respecting your boundaries LNM. You cannot feel anxious in your own home.

I'm very angry on your behalf.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 12/05/2013 21:02

So, he left the girls with his sister, lied to sister, then hit the bottle presumable at the pub! What a fuckwit he is. Then he came to yours and assaulted you - yes, he did! holding your arms and trying to kiss you without your consent is assault.

Very Firm Boundaries are needed, re contact with the DDs and his drinking, and coming into your home, not leaving when asked to.

His sister being involved, I wouldnt say colluding, because she didnt know. But what the hell did she say when she brought the girls home?

I hope you are ok LNM, you must have got a fright, or a shock at least.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 21:05

He defintely has boundary issues. I don't know how many times I've told him there is no chance we will ever get back together. Even today, I said to him, you've hurt me more than I ever thought anyone could possibly hurt me, it'll take me a long time to get over it, if I ever do. Getting over it whilst trying to rebuild a relationship from scratch with you just won't ever be a possibility. Even if I wanted to I couldn't.

He should have thought about all this before he went with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 21:08

It did give me a shock Jax because its a side of him I've never seen before. I felt genuinely scared.

I didn't even speak to his sister, she just beeped the horn when dropping dd's off and gave me a wave.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 12/05/2013 21:42

With any luck she will give him an earful for ditching the kids and going to the pub. Now you know that he does have that side to him, you need to protect yourself and the DDs. Sad

Im so sorry he scared you, again it was all about HIM! I am livid on your behalf. Angry

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 22:07

You think you know someone and they then do something and you realise you don't know them at all. Even his sister, she hasn't so much as asked how I am or contacted me since this all happened. I don't get it. You'd think I was a really horrible person.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 12/05/2013 22:11

No...I wouldn't think that at all. I think you're a really strong person who seems level headed, hard working and fair. Tbh I probably don't think your ex is a really horrible person either. He's inadequate, weak and stupid. You deserve better.

Everyone is human. Humans are weak (some more than others).

I will never put anyone on a pedestal again. That way you don't set them expectations they can't match

LilyAmaryllis · 12/05/2013 22:29

I'm so sorry that was such a shock. I hope you're OK.

I'm also shocked, he had time with his DDs and he just goes out without them for more than 2 hours?! While you, at the start of the weekend, were sad that you had to give up time with your DDs. I would be yelling with frustration.

imtheonlyone · 12/05/2013 22:48

Sadly he just thought he would never get found out - so the consequences wouldn't even have crossed his mind!

As for his sister - she's probably too embarrassed to speak to you and wouldn't even know what to say! Blood is thicker and all that but I reckon she embarrassed at his behaviour!

Seems he always realises that he's done wrong when its too late!

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 12/05/2013 22:55

I think a formal letter addressing the drinking whilst caring for DC and the forced contact is a good idea. It sets a formal tone, is a written record (dated and contemporaneous) and makes clear your expectation of future behaviour. There can be no doubt or 'misunderstanding' should this happen again.

^^This, do it.

50shadesofbrown · 12/05/2013 23:05

Hi Ellen M. I can't believe he did that, what an utter wanker! Definitely get a chain for the door, & agree re. getting it written down so you (& he) have a record of what happened. If anything else were to happen later on, it could help your case if you can prove what's happened tonight. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that though. He's really not doing himself any favours, it all adds up & no one would look kindly on his actions this evening.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/05/2013 23:19

Yeah I'll write to him yet again just to have it in writing.

Can't sleep tonight. Thnk I've started something really fucking stupid.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 12/05/2013 23:28

Lurking since your very first post. I haven't posted because everyone else is much better at articulating the emotions I feel reading your 'story.'

This isn't the first time he's been drunk with the girls. Write the letter to him but now, as much as yu don't want to, I think you have to get legal representation. Show the writing to ex and explain you're worried for their safety (is he driving drunk too??) And explain the pinning arms/forceful kiss.

I know these men all too well. It's darkest before the dawn but you know what? We'll all SKIP throw his tantrums! (Yes I have a rope Grin)

50shadesofbrown · 12/05/2013 23:33

Hi Ellen M. Try not to dwell on it. You're safe & he backed off - if he'd meant to hurt you he would have tried to carry on. Like you said, he's not actually been abusive before, he was just being a drunken idiot, not that that's much of an excuse. Hopefully he'll remember & cringe tomorrow & not dare try any funny tricks for a while.

saffronwblue · 13/05/2013 00:45

That must have shaken you up, LNM. It is hard work having to be the grown up all the time. Thank god your DDs have you as the person who is looking at the bigger picture.
What a surprise things have not worked out with miss get your tits out!

LittleEsme · 13/05/2013 05:28

Re the Sis - I don't think she's embarrassed. I think she's blaming you for not taking him back. Even if blood IS thicker than water, what reason could there be for not even asking how you are???

She thinks you're over reacting. They probably discuss it and it reinforces the same thought with your ex. If he had other folk in his life telling him to accept that he'd ruined his marriage etc then he may actually sit down and think hard about your current situation.

Instead, he's still outraged that your being 'unreasonable' and over-reactive, probably because his family think it too.

Sad I'm sorry to even type this out LNM because it's a disgusting, disappointing and treacherous to realise that his family can't even support you. Should you be MY Sis in law, I would. As much as I would love me DBro, I would understand and see your hurt.

I'm so Angry on your behalf. This is wrong wrong wrong on all levels. I Agree with the others. Formal letter, possibly through Solicitor about boundaries and issue with your Dd's. I'm wondering whether the mediation someone mentioned upthread ages ago will help him 'hear' and accept what you've been saying? That's your call of course and it will be draining, but it may hammer the message home that things are over.

The solicitors letter may do that as well.

Just a few more things to consider LNM. Wish I was closer - I'd come over and help you fix that chain and drink your wine