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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

no sex or nothing

87 replies

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 12:53

i have been with my partner for over 2 years and we've recently had a baby. in my honest mind, i know i have been more demanding since baby has come along and of course we are tired. But not THAT tired, baby s very very good and has been sleeping through for months.

ive done all i can to try and make myself more alluring, lost my baby weight, changed my hair to the colour his exes was, done my nails...generally taking care of myself but no matter what I do, there is no spark...not even a whiff from my partner. If there is, it's once in a blue moon - probably once a month.

i suppose the real answer is if i loved him, i'd put up with it right? we've talked and talked til the cows come home, I've cried, i've tried it on with him, i've ranted, i've done nothing...and nothing works.

I dont really know what i want someone to say to me...perhaps i just need to grow a pair and walk away. i know im only staying because its inconceievable to me to leave at the moment. if i won the lottery tomorrow it'd be last chance saloon for him and if he didnt amend his behaviour (or lack of) i'd just walk away. im young, im not that ugly, im not that fat, i'm not horrid or evil...i just want a normal sex life - my life isn't over just yet!!!!!

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/04/2013 12:55

Why have you dyed your hair the colour of his exes? Do you suspect he has feelngs for her still? Does he compare you?

Have you spoken to your partner about this problem regarding sex?

Sugarice · 23/04/2013 12:55

the colour his exes was you've changed your hair colour to match that of his ex partner, why?

CocacolaMum · 23/04/2013 12:57

If I thought for a second that my OH would walk away from our marriage because of a lack of sex then I would never have sex with him again. Not because I would want our marriage to end but because I think that if he thought that little of us then what would be the point?

wigglesrock · 23/04/2013 12:58

If you've talked and talked what is he saying?

Have you both got contraception sorted out?

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2013 12:58

Your OP is all about you

What about him? Have you tried gently talking to him without the ranting/crying?

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 12:58

well because he always went out with woman who were brunette, i figured maybe that was a good place to start? to make myself more attractive to him?

yeah we have talked, talked and talked and talked. Nothing changes it's still always me trying it on and getting knocked back.

there is an age gap he's mid 40s and Im late 20's... maybe i shouldn't have got involved with an older man but in the beginning things were great. i love having sex with him. But its so rare its a thing of the past and it's almost awkward now.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2013 13:00

And what does he say when you talk to him?

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:01

Yeah we do talk quietly and calmly. his set answer is he's tired and works long days. thats fine, but thats been his answer for the last year. he isnt changing his job, so im looking at 20+ years of this til he retires?

its not just sex, its the litttle thing you see couples doing that we dont do. he never touches me kindly, or hugs me without me having to ask him. if i touch him he tells me not to, or shys away.
Its not even like we get through some enjoyable foreplay then realise we haven't got time. Before we even get started he says "im tired" and that's the end of it.

OP posts:

CrushedWithIce · 23/04/2013 13:03

Is he expressing affection/ intimacy in other ways? How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? If it is sound in other respects, why not take the pressure off and try and get back to how you used to be as a couple...having a baby is hard and some need a little longer to adjust than others

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:03

i went back to work early, to alleviate our money worries, i try to help when i can whilst looking after our baby. i try to keep on top of myself and not give him any reason NOT to fancy me, but maybe because i want that so badly - its a turn off?? but what do I do? hide at home with a vibrator like im having an affair? cuddle the dog?
i sometimes drive to work feeling so very lonely and look forward to having someone to talk to in work and someone who pays attention to me

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:04

No. he thinks because he pays the bills I should be satisfied.

OP posts:

CrushedWithIce · 23/04/2013 13:04

Oops, shouldn't eat and type...see you've answered that already. Is he depressed or acting differently since birth of child?

wonderingifiam2013 · 23/04/2013 13:05

Can I ask if the baby was planned?

And was he at the birth? (and was it difficult?)

Is he an 'old' 40 something or not?

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2013 13:05

How old is the baby?

WilsonFrickett · 23/04/2013 13:08

going by your OP, you were together about a year before you were pg? See, I think that in the first year of a relationship the amount of sex you have is completely false. It's only after a year or so that things settle into what will be their 'normal' pattern. Add a pg and a baby into the mix - he could be having enough sex for him - iyswim. The issue is it isn't enough for you. And different levels of sexual desire can be very difficult within a relationship, especially a fairly new one with a baby in the mix.

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:09

babes is 8 months old.
he's not an old 40 really at all
baby wasn't planned but wasn't actively avoided either and very much loved and wanted now.
i had a difficult birth yes, babes was born by emergency c section. i never really felt after that, that he cared about me.

I feel so much that im always looking after everyone but i have no one looking after me. i give the cuddles out to crying baby, try to support hard working husband but i turn around and there's no one there for me.

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/04/2013 13:11

I would move this to Relationships

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:11

Yeah we weren't together long - perhaps an advert for getting to know someone before you have a baby. very stupid and i realise that now.

its very demanding and hard being a mum and ostensibly wife. its something i thought i could have but i dont think so, i think you have to be an incredible person to keep it all in the air and im just not

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:12

oh ok, how can i move the thread please?

OP posts:

CrushedWithIce · 23/04/2013 13:15

It's easy to blame yourself or think there is something you could/should do that would make him change but if there is no underlying cause and he's not prepared to knowledge the problem, what can you do? You need to look after your emotional wellbeing and create an environment for your child that s happy and secure. Only you know if this is with him or not.

Be kind to yourself, and do what's best for you.

CrushedWithIce · 23/04/2013 13:16

Think you report (to the right of the banner on message with your nickname on). Then ask MNHQ to move

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:20

Thank you i have done that now.

if im totally honest i wouldn't stay if i could possibly leave and not ruin my babys life. i know it seems very selfish and mercenary to leave someone because they are not romantic/loving/sexual enough for you and i do undeerstand that viewpoint but for me i feel lost and needy all the time.
i am used to being loved and feeling attractive and wanted, the last time i had to deal with this level of ambivalence I knew my previous relationship had died a death
which maybe this one has too

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2013 13:26

Well I'm must be pretty shallow too then.
Lack of sex was one of the main reasons I ended it with my recent ex!
It's very important to me and to go from 10x a week to once every 2 weeks - sorry, something is wrong!

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:30

I think so too hells, but he wont admit it or just says "Im tired"...

well he had the same job 2 years ago... and he managed it then!

Its very hard not to be angry with him, because i feel so hurt and rejected.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 23/04/2013 13:30

WhyWhy, this sounds bad - it's not just about sex is it? He's withholding affection. This is a cruel way to treat a partner and to continually blame work is not on. It worries me that you feel you have to make yourself look like his exes for him to find you attractive too.

When did this behaviour start? Is it possible he's having an affair?

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