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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

no sex or nothing

87 replies

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 12:53

i have been with my partner for over 2 years and we've recently had a baby. in my honest mind, i know i have been more demanding since baby has come along and of course we are tired. But not THAT tired, baby s very very good and has been sleeping through for months.

ive done all i can to try and make myself more alluring, lost my baby weight, changed my hair to the colour his exes was, done my nails...generally taking care of myself but no matter what I do, there is no spark...not even a whiff from my partner. If there is, it's once in a blue moon - probably once a month.

i suppose the real answer is if i loved him, i'd put up with it right? we've talked and talked til the cows come home, I've cried, i've tried it on with him, i've ranted, i've done nothing...and nothing works.

I dont really know what i want someone to say to me...perhaps i just need to grow a pair and walk away. i know im only staying because its inconceievable to me to leave at the moment. if i won the lottery tomorrow it'd be last chance saloon for him and if he didnt amend his behaviour (or lack of) i'd just walk away. im young, im not that ugly, im not that fat, i'm not horrid or evil...i just want a normal sex life - my life isn't over just yet!!!!!

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Report

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 19:21

No, he doesn't masturbate that I know of.

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bunsmum · 23/04/2013 19:48

I have experienced the same thing too. In my case it was because he was quite obsessive. He ran his own business and would get on a project at work and would work until he dropped/exhausted himself. He also had some health problems he didn't tell me about - herpes was one of them. And every time he had a flare up he used to not want sex and avoid me and say he felt "disgusting" and didn't want to be intimate.

In your case I think it sounds like three possible things:

he is one of these guys in their 40s who didn't want to settle down and hasn't committed before you. Although he loves the baby and is happy, he feels his life has been uncontrollably changed and he associates you with that feeling of being out of control.

he has PTSD from the birth of your child

he has a bit of a madonna/whore complex where you have turned into the role of "the mother" and he is finding it hard to see you as a sexual person.

BeforeAndAfter · 23/04/2013 19:55

Is it possible that there's an OW somewhere in the background? I only say this because when my ex-H started withdrawing affection, touch, sex, kind words etc from what was a previously tactile and loving relationship it coincided with when the OW appeared on the scene. He was late 50s and I'm 14 years younger - he claimed to have lost his sex drive. Turns out this was complete rubbish - he just didn't want me anymore.

Sorry to raise this but if you're thinking through all angles this could be one scenario to consider if you haven't already.

Skinnywhippet · 23/04/2013 20:14

I would be surprised if he wasn't masturbating.

happyfreeconfused · 23/04/2013 20:42

Reading these threads makes you realise how common it is for men to have a low sex drive compared to their women partners.

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 20:45

If he was masturbating he'd have to be very clever about it, I'm always in or around the house generally and I'm quite a quiet stepping person, I'm forever frightening him when I walk in a room lol

There could of course be another woman, I'm not stupid or naive enough to think that there couldn't be - but I wouldn't know if considering it would even help - as, if I dont catch him at anything it'd be very hard to say anything about another woman, wouldn't it? (hope that makes sense!!)

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WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 20:52

re reading your post bunsmum and thinking its the first one.
I think he got carried away and reality isn't the same as what he thought. I think he's only staying because of the baby now and I'm only staying because I can't leave. Because he's had about a year now to just act like he LOVES me, surely by now he would, if he could.

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Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 20:56

Op I had a miscarriage last year and dp and I went without sex for about 7 weeks and there was a lack of affection.

Because it had been a while dp got so nervous he didn't feel like initiating sex and when I tried to touch him it made him feel pathetic and he felt like he wasn't a proper man.

Could this be the case with your dp?

(didn't mention before as I don't really like talking about it)

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:00

It could be, but without him actually telling me, I can't possibly suggest that, you know what men are like he'd retreat further or completely go mad.

Its very hard to know what to do, how much longer I wait etc. I am hugely frustrated and i dont know what Im meant to do...use a vibrator while lying next to him?? sneak off into the spare room for time with my vibrator?? buy a blow up man doll and cuddle him?

I really understand how some men feel when woman are the ones witholding sex. Its crushing.

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Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 21:07

I know how you feel op I felt rejected and worthless and unloved it was really hard but we did get over it.

I think sometimes if you keep pushing your point it will make him feel worse about himself.

Is your dc in their own room? If they are could you suggest watching a film in bed or something and see if something happens naturally.

I really do feel for you

BeforeAndAfter · 23/04/2013 21:10

Maybe if you put some scenarios to him he will be able to confirm that one of those scenarios is where the problem lies - at least it's a starting point. You may also be able to gauge from how he responds as to whether or not he's being honest. Drawing from my own experience it was only when I asked ex-H if there was someone else that I finally got to the bottom of the weird behaviour - he wasn't capable of saying it himself.

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:10

Yeah babes has been for months now. He doesn't do anything, we often do this. If I dont do anything, we don't have sex and if I touch him, he declines.

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WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:11

Thanks beforeandafter, i will try asking him outright a few things. i have no doubt he'll deny each and every one but nothing will get better :(

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Xenia · 23/04/2013 21:13

If he's not masturbating is he having wet dreams? You need to do some kind of sperm hunt at home to get the evidence, check tissues etc.

Does he thin about sex even if he doesn't masturbate? Does he still get erections? If he sees pretty girl does he have a sexy thought or is he just totally asexual in every way? If so perhaps he just needs testosterone injections.

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 21:16

I really wish I could say something of help.

If he won't talk to you is there any possibility he would talk to a gp

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:17

No, no wet dreams. I doubt he even thinks about it, when I tell him I have been thinking about it or ask him if he does, he just says no and giggles like a child.

He does still get erections but we're talking once a month generally. He pays plenty of attention to girls on the TV, or out and about.

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WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:19

I dont think so, stepford. He wont even go when he's ill.... men.... or some men I should say!!

Thanks for trying to help, maybe i'm already at the end of the road anyway. We were a very fledgling relationship anyway, maybe this would have happened anyway...its just harder now because of the baby. Had this happened and been going on for so long, and baby wasn't here, I'd have gone long ago.

Im a very tactile, sexual person to be left like this makes me feel like I'm starving.

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Skinnywhippet · 23/04/2013 21:19

What happens if you fiddle with his sausage? Does he get excited?

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:21

I dont even get to GET that close, if I even get anywhere near his crotch he giggles and says "get off" and jumps away from me.

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MrsHoarder · 23/04/2013 21:29

TBH that makes me uncomfortable. If it was a man talking about how his DW wasn't interested in sex we would be shocked to hear a discussion about whether she is still getting wet sometimes.

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 21:30

I know what you mean I have to get my mil on the case when dp needs to see the dr she's much more persuasive then me.

Do you have friends and family in rl to support you if you do decide to leave

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:33

My family isn't really supportive but they are there.

sorry mrshoarder, i was just answering the question posed.

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Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 21:39

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Do you have any savings to get a place if you need to

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 21:40

no, nothing at all. which makes it all much harder.

as bad as it sounds i might have to wait it out until i do. i have massive loans and debts to pay off which i had planned to start paying but maybe if i save for a few months i'll have more money to think about leaving when i need to.

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Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 21:52

You need to do what's best for you and your dc and moving out with nothing to go to wouldn't be good for either of you,

Apart from the sex how is your relationship with your p are you amicable?

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