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Original poster

odd fb message to dh

43 replies

BLOO3Z · 22/04/2013 22:35

Dh birthday so usual birthday wishes on fb but one from recently added female work colleague says happy birthday!!!!! Hope you get lots of cards and stuff!!!! Am suspicious that the exclamation marks are a indication that there has been a conversation about this, why else would you put them like this, dh has denied any conversation of course, but have notice he very furtive about opening work emails from her in sight of me. He has history of lying to me, my gut feeling telling me that there is more to this isn't there?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 22:40

That message (in isolation) just sounds and looks a bit annoying from a rather immature female acquaintance, all bouncy and attention-seeking

However, it's not good that such a small thing has triggered your gut feeling and the fact that you don't trust him at all makes me wonder why you are with him at all

VelvetSpoon · 22/04/2013 22:40

Some people just really over-use punctuation. I have a friend who in every comment she makes on FB whether on a male or female friend's status/page uses lots of !!!, haha's, lol, and ALWAYS signs it with at least 3 x's.

That said, if he is being furtive generally regarding this individual, and he has form for lying, your instincts may be right, sorry.

LittleYellowBall · 22/04/2013 22:43

Hmmm, if I'd have seen that to my ex I'd have thought the person sending it looked like an idiot. But wouldn't have been suspicious. Are you often suspicious without grounds? When you say he's lied to you in the past do you mean about his fidelity, or other stuff?

interalia · 22/04/2013 22:44

Some people get all over-excited with the punctuation. Would literally not bother me at all. But, as said, maybe investigate why you feel suspicious. The message in itself is innocent imo

WallyBantersYoniBox · 22/04/2013 22:50

Agree with AF. In my mind I can almost see that curly haired girl from Notting Hill, "bubbly". Hopefully she is no older than 22, otherwise it's ridiculous.

I have a colleague who only communicates via email to me, as we are in different countries. She ends every sentence, every bloody sentence, with an exclamation mark. It actually stresses me to the point of palpitations.

Have you mentioned the fact that he seems shady when he opens her emails?

Portofino · 22/04/2013 23:00

The FB message itself rings no alarm bells but the fact you don't trust him does. What does the history of lying to you consist of?

Charbon · 22/04/2013 23:05

The history of lying and his furtiveness with E mails from this woman are far more concerning than the over-enthusiastic, poorly punctuated FB message.

ArtVandelay · 22/04/2013 23:09

Aaargh my DH does this. To be fair he is foreign but he's also in his 40's. When he asks me to check his English on emails and presentations I just snort at him and ask him if he is really a 14 year old girl or would he like to learn how the grown-ups speak to each other.

It's just daft and annoying and I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. Although, after saying that, why are you worrying about such a small thing?

AnAirOfHope · 22/04/2013 23:20

I have a cunning plan;

Ask your dh to show you his work emails and that you would like to read the ones from this women.

If he will not show you, ltb as you dont trust him, if he does and there is nothing get councling, if its an affair ltb.

Good luck xx

LittleYellowBall · 22/04/2013 23:23

Anairofhope trouble is, if someone demanded to see my work e mails to a colleague, it would very much colour my opinion of them.

AnAirOfHope · 22/04/2013 23:27

Its her husband she is allowed to ask and explain she needs this as reassurance things are ok in the relationship.

Its the kind of relationship where you can ask personal questions. Op has already asked about the fb message so why not the emails.

Just ask him find the truth and stop worrying about it.

Ouchmyhead · 23/04/2013 02:14

The Facebook message doesn't sound suspicious to me, I see no hidden meaning in extra exclamation marks. Has he really become suspicious opening his emails, or are you over analysing it - like the exclamation marks? I could be completely wrong of course, if you don't trust him you'll just have to ask to look at his work emails, either way you clearly have issues you need to talk about. Either he's cheating and that will need sorting, or you're paranoid and untrusting and that will need sorting! Good luck.

Fairylea · 23/04/2013 06:16

I wouldn't even blink if dh got a message like that. But then we are completely transparent with each other and I have no reason to doubt him.

You said your dh has a history of lying.

What are his good points? Sounds like there is no trust between you which is a bad starting point for any relationship.

Seabright · 23/04/2013 06:29

Why not see if this woman's secuirty settings are set very low on facebook, so you can see her timeline etc. If they are you can see if this is the type of message she sends all the time.

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 23/04/2013 08:54

Thanks for replies Im not normally paranoid honest. Years ago this would of passed me by too. He has caused me to think this way and I hate feeling this way, we are trying to work through a long standing hurt/trust issues. He has not made things easy by doing stupid things which make me doubt my own sanity..I have worked hard to get to this point but think he is finally aware that I am struggling at the moment big time. Think its really stupid of this woman to write that on fb too, it looks really shouty compaired to the other birthday messages and does look attention seeking, you wise mners are probably correct.

I like the idea to look on fb to see if this typical of her.
He is still denying any flirty conversation with her which would of instigated this, as he has done this in the past, he asked me if I wanted to phone her to ask this morning, which I dont want to do btw I already feel like the mad wife. As for asking to see the emails I dont think I would dare to at the moment, Im really not up to the fall out this will cause.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2013 09:03

"He has history of lying to me"

That's the problem, not the woman with the '!!!!' Who exactly is trying to work through the long standing hurt/trust.... ? Seems to be 100% you being expected to put it all behind you and put in lots of hard work while he carries on doing his own sweet thing having made no changes whatsoever.

You shouldn't have to put in a lot of effort to trust your partner. You shouldn't even have to think about it. Look at yourself. You're getting in a state about punctuation marks.... how low have you sunk? Suggest you will only find peace of mind and self-respect once you get shot.

bleedingheart · 23/04/2013 09:14

The problem isn't the punctuation. It is not a flirty message, it is immature. The fact you are reading it as such tells you that his past behaviour has made you doubt yourself and expect trouble.
He should show you the emails if they are innocent. Yes, it's tough not to be trusted but if you can make your partner feel better why wouldn't you?

AnyFucker · 23/04/2013 09:15

Do you have DC with this man ?

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 23/04/2013 09:33

Yes have dc and really dont wont to do the leaving bit, we have come through too much to throw in the towel now, I really dont want to turn everyones life upside down after everything we been through, also I would be the baddy at this point in time. He needs a kick up the bum. Circumstances have turned me into a doormat. If I had a cyrstal ball twenty years ago I would be screaming LTB. Everyone makes mistakes. Dont know where the old me went, however Ive learnt some really hard life lessons along the way. Why is life so hard?

OP posts:
YohedYoshoulderYonisandYotoes · 23/04/2013 09:37

The exclamation marks could equally mean 'I found you on FB!', meaning nothing just a surprise..

AnyFucker · 23/04/2013 09:39
Sad
NotTreadingGrapes · 23/04/2013 09:43

So we've established this is nothing to do with the FB thing.

Are you happy OP? Have you just settled? Or are you actively unhappy?

You get one life girl, and nowhere is it written that you have to be the one who gives up their "old me" to not rock the boat with others.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2013 09:45

Life's only hard if you see yourself as a victim, at the mercy of events and unable to influence your own destiny. Because that means you're trapped in a situation and no-one's happy living in a cage. He may need a kick up the bum but so do you. Freedom is entirely within your grasp, you can still be the 'old you' with a fresh start, and sometimes the right thing to do is not the popular thing.... Being 'the baddy' may save what's left of your life.

PeppermintPasty · 23/04/2013 09:49

Umm, I don't wish to add to your doubts, and I echo what everyone else has said above, but the thing that stands out for me is where you say:

"he asked me if I wanted to phone to ask her this morning...".

This is either a ham-fisted attempt to appease you as he realises he's upset you in some way, and it's all entirely innocent, or it's a nasty little way of getting you to shut up about it. It's a classic trick used by just about every person who has something to hide, IME.

I sincerely hope it's the former, just look after yourself.

Demi · 23/04/2013 09:50

The message sounds like it is from an immature person to me. Even if she is trying to continue an 'in joke' between the two of them, it is pretty immature to continue it publicly.

Irrespective of other issues you have with your DH, it is true that some women do have hidden agendas and will find a married man attractive. If it were me, I would not read too much into the message (other than it highlighting her immaturity) but I would have a little red flag in the back of my mind regarding this woman.

My SIL puts messages like that on Facebook. She will comment on someone's wall or photo but add a bit suggesting that she knows more than the other people posting. Very immature and needy person, the same on Facebook and IRL. (And she repeatedly persues married men.)

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