odd fb message to dh

[BLOO3Z]

Dh birthday so usual birthday wishes on fb but one from recently added female work colleague says happy birthday!!!!! Hope you get lots of cards and stuff!!!! Am suspicious that the exclamation marks are a indication that there has been a conversation about this, why else would you put them like this, dh has denied any conversation of course, but have notice he very furtive about opening work emails from her in sight of me. He has history of lying to me, my gut feeling telling me that there is more to this isn't there?

May not be the softest advice on here but totally agree with Cognito.

(I don't know if I could stay with someone I'd never fully trust. It sucks the life out of you & makes you feel like the rug could be pulled from underneath you at any moment).

On FB, you logon, see the little message that today it is Y's birthday. So you add a little message to their wall saying "Happy Birthday".

Only there are already 101 messages saying "Happy Birthday" and a certain sort of person will want to make their message stand out from crowd - so they add some excessive punctuation. Which did the trick and really made you notice the message, but not in a good way.

I think it probably says more about her than your DH, but your reaction speaks volumes about the current state of your relationship so it is understandable you are being hyper-vigilant.

I am trying to look aftermyself and am so thankfull for the forever wise mners for helping me to regain my sanity. My biggest fear is that my marriage is going to fall apart anyway after all my efforts to hold it together for so long, as he just seems to repeat past mistakes every few years. Hes either very stupid or just knows Ill keep putting up with it with a few objections along the way. I cant believe how stupid Ive been.

we have come through too much to throw in the towel now
OP, do you know what 'Sunk Cost Fallacy" is? It's a type of illogical or fallacious thinking where people continue to make unwise future investments because they don't want to lose what they have invested in the past and ignore that they stand to lose far more by continuing to invest. 'Sunk costs' cannot be recouped and they should be ignored in rational decision making. In other words, please base your future decisions on the present and the future. This reason given here is a very bad basis for making relationship choices and many many people have lived to regret it.

Maybe he's just being furtive because he thinks his wife will jump to the wrong conclusion? I lost all my female friends and couldn't ever make new ones when I was with my wife? Why? It was more trouble than it was worth, trying to explain every little thing. I even had to make sure I didn't talk to her friends for too long if we were out or something.

A similar analogy is the house that is falling down and irreparable described as a "money pit"

You keep throwing money at it, spending cash you can ill afford that reduces your revenue for other areas of your life

But the house falls down anyway

Best decision ?

Decide for yourself you will stop throwing "good" money after "bad"

or just knows Ill keep putting up with it with a few objections along the way

But will you keep putting up with it? Do you want to? Because you don't have to whether you've been together ten months or ten years.

The value of a relationship does not increase over time. It's the effort, love, respect etc that you both put into it that makes it worth something. Worth fighting for.

demi the pursuing married men yes she could be one of those women that do that. I dont understand why they would put themselves through the trauma of that, but lots of women do seem to seek out married men..bizzarre that there is the women that seem to fall over themselves for men in general, and go all gooy eyed and act like a teenager, I know people who do this and know they are happily married.

You're still blaming Little Miss Exclamation Mark when it's your DH that's the problem here. If you trusted him it wouldn't matter what anyone had written.

I wouldn't read anything into exclamation marks at all.

I tend to put one after happy birthday, because I like to use punctuation and it's not a complete sentence really, so a full stop looks silly. I know one of my friend always puts !!! at then end of Happy birthday (we have several friends in common) whoever she's doing it to.

P.S She just sounds attention seeking. It's a non issue isn't it really? The issue is that you don't trust your DH because of the past & there's a possibility that the leopard never changed its spots?

Playing devils advocate here, why would he suggest you ring here rather than "look at my messages if you want I have nothing to hide!"

Although the birthday comment in itself wouldn't make me bat an eyelid.

Some lad I went to school with and haven't seen in years posted 'Happy Birthday Doll! on my fb my OH never batted an eyelid.
I think trust is the thing here.

These women who pursue married men do exist.

But married men who play away are far more common.

Forget FB. Forget the exclamation marks. They are so not the issue here.

Tell us about your husband's past mistakes.

I don't see the problem with it... It's something I've seen written on FB walls before, and I might even write something like it.. I tend to over do exclamation marks. I'm 38 yrs, happily married with 4 kids.
But, you say there is a history of lying.
But he hasn't done anything. Someone just wrote that on his wall. I don't honestly feel it warrants any action.

I think LaQueen hit the nail on the head, although I will dust a bit of skaboy's point too.

There is a paranoid,suspicious streak in my DP, I don't have male friends but if I did it would be a constant issue.It would be exhausting and just easier to brush it under the carpet, although I appreciate you have reason to be suspect.

OP so in the past your husband has flirted/behaved inappropriately/had an affair/all of the above? That's what you seem to be intimating.

And you want to stay with him because you've 'been through so much together'?

Have another look at cinnamon's post concerning 'Sunk Loss Fallacy'.

It's like a gambler pouring more and more money into their addiction because they've lost too much to stop now, they have to make it back, there must be a big win around the corner....

Why put up with it? Either you can have:

a) difficult past with continuing difficult future full of paranoia - if you stay with him

or

b) difficult past with no more paranoia or worry, the chance to focus on your own needs, the possibility of meeting someone respectful, faithful and supportive - if you end the relationship.

You can't change the difficult past bit. You can only decide, now, whether you want a future filled with more of the same. Or not.

They say that irrationality can be defined as doing the same thing in the same way but hoping for a different outcome each time.

It's so hard to make a break like this, when all you want is to share love and trust with the man you love. But you have to think, now, about the reality of your situation.