A happy update from TIL

[TisILeclerc]

She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now she?s intending to lie a little bit low.

Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.

This time they really are ?safe? in the way that everybody hoped previously.

NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her

I didn't realize I was holding my breath till I found this thread and finally let it go.

Agree not to hold back with SS about risks your dcs have been exposed to. You are demonstrating insight into what is a good situation for your dcs, and readiness to take them out of a situation that isn't good for them. The fact that it took you a while to get to that state of readiness is very, very typical. My dear girl, you don't need to cover up any more.

I know from experience that this stage is not all rainbows and unicorns. It's a horrible, painful upheaval. I know I just wanted to press the fast forward button to get past it. But it does get easier and better and you'll be surprised how quickly this happens.

mink, I love your proposal of a donation to WA in GS's honour, and I am going to do it.

Hey there, GS, you brave, brave woman.

Now, SS will be your friend. Right now, and moving on for a while yet, you will need as much rl support as you can get, and that includes SS. They are not going to take your children away from you, they are not going to punish you, they are not going to condemn you. They want what you want. They want you and your children to live free and happy lives - not least because they know that this is the best way to negate future, and worse, problems.

They love women like you. They know that you have taken the hardest step all on your own. They know that a woman like you has the decisiveness and strength within them. So they want to help you, they desperately want you to succeed with your children and they will know - because of how far you've come on your own - that all the he
P they give you now will be qorth it, that they will be looking at a happy mum and happy children in the end. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Trust them. Use them for what they are there for - to help you.

Can't Out myself but, been a lurker from the very beginning

I'm NOT a sw, but am drinking buddies to a very experienced group of c.p sw.

What Jux said. With bells on.

ESP. Second paragraph.

[gives GS a manly shoulder punch]

And I strongly suspect that Renter Nomad hit the nail on the head as far as Social Services preferred outcome would be.

I have also donated to WA in honour of GS and all the other women they help.

I also started a thread a while back about passing WA your baby things, unwanted furniture, etc.

GS I know you're not a fan of pom poms but BLOODY WELL DONE

You have had a lot of great advice on here, so my waffling is probably just that

I do think that the fact you are even questioning your responses to previous incidents, shows how the fog is already lifting for you. I agree with telling ss as much as you can, however, I would imagine the more the fog lifts and you begin to relax in to your new life, you may find you 'remember' more incidents that whilst you did all that you coukd at the time, you would probably deal with completely differently now you are free.

I know you still have many worries and undoubtedly some tough times ahead, but you sound more than able to tackle them head on. shuts mouth and sits on pom poms

I've just made a donation to WA in honour of GS

I am so proud of you GS. I wish you all happiness in the future.

I hav set up a donation to WA too

GS, tell it all. Then, if your H tries to implicate you in his actions or simply lies, you always have the comeback that you have disclosed the very worst of what you feel responsible for.

Your H will simply not be able to comprehend anyone taking this tack. His whole being is bound up with putting on a front and concealing the truth. He will hate being answerable for his actions and if he attempts to use his chopped logic on the SS it will be recognised for what it is.

Perhaps he'll attempt to explain why sarcasm is good for young childen because it toughens them up.

GS I'm the Headteacher who messaged earlier about school supporting absences in situations like yours.

SS and I have dealt with situations EXACTLY like yours and fully understand the circumstances of seemingly complicit or minimising behaviour. Don't worry. Be honest. The help and understanding is there for the taking.
Godspeed x

What a great idea . I have also set up a regular donation to Women's Aid.

GS, I just want to give you a great big hug. I am so relieved, proud and pleased for you and dcs.

It was really heartening to hear you say how different the atmosphere is without your h, and how you can concentrate more, and have more fun with dcs. You are a great mum, you really are.

and for you x.

northlight Exactly. Given that GS's H bases his life on never admitting he is/was wrong, he will simply not comprehend the notion that it might sometimes be better for your children and for yourself to admit you have done the wrong thing, and that it is actually healthy to recognise this and deal with it instead of continuing to deny it.

Just set up direct debit to women's aid.

GS Just sending you and your DCs lots of hugs. Im so relieved for you all. You are a brave woman GS.

GS you are an amazing woman.
you really are.
I just hope that you will see it too.

I have found the How to talk so kids wil listen...... books really useful for parentings skills. I knew I wanted to parent differently to my parents, but had no clear idea of how to do that.

The books are so helpful. They emphasise ensuring that children's feelings are acknowledged. They focus on children living with the consequences of their actions, rather than being punished for bad behaviour or rewarded for good behaviour. Have a look and see what you think.

And

Hi gs i feel the sane re. parenting. now i am a single parent i struggle with difficult behaviour and feel like i nag ineffectively all the time.

On the plus side we gave more fun now.
But i am considering parenting classes. perhaps you could ask SS about those too.
And also WA about getting FP /counselling for the kids. or art therapy?

It is only natural to be a bit all at sea and lacking confidence when someone has been telling you conflicting things and undermining your confidence. (i hope! Otherwise i am just a rubbish parent)
i think with parenting it is to some extent natural even if they haven't!

But as always love above all things matters most. that you love them truly and that they know that.

And I so know what your DC1 means. Someone started a thread that really resonated with me the other day. Something about parenting for biddable children, or successful adults. I'd rather people judged me now, if my DC are not perfectly behaved, rather than them growing up thinking they had to bend themselves to someone else's will, all the time.

(This is something from my experience, although I'm thinking it applies to you, from what you have posted about your own parents.)

I think though gs you have identified an important issue. that if punishment is frequent and illogical then it is pointless as there is no incentive to behave.

now that you and ds recognise that that is what was happening you have both made an important jump.

I did try explaining to my ex that if you only want the kids to behave so that you cn ignore them then there is no incentive for them to behave. kids don't want to be ignored/treated as an inconvenience. this was something he actually got when i pointed it out because that was his childhood.

YOu are wonderful you know. Sorry to gush.

It seems to me that your take on the world has been systematically undermined - probably always - and, as a consequence, you find it hard to identify what you think and feel. On a gut level, I think you do know what is and what isn't acceptable discipline - only you are not sure of yourself.

Please don't be ashamed that you are at 6s and 7s at the mo. In many ways you are not only a fledgling person but a fledgling parent, precisely because you have been comprehensively undermined for a long time, despite your age and the age of your children. However, I think the person/parent ropes will gain momentum quite quickly now you have the space to 'be'.

What a would say, though, (unfortunately through bitter experience) is try not to swing in the opposite direction through guilt. No boundaries can be as challenging for a child as too-tight (and incomprehensible) boundaries. Children need boundaries and, up to a point, the actual boundaries aren't so much the issue but more the way they are enforced. eg if you don't like children's shod feet on the sofa, you don't; and you can enforce that as long as there isn't a value judgement added eg that the children are disgusting to put their feet on the sofa. I don't know if I'm making that clear... I suppose I'm saying to be careful to separate the behaviour from the person = two very different things (imo).

Please also keep an eye on guilt - your guilt, that is. The past is the past, you have done the absolute right and best thing to separate your children from the influence of their alarming father. I was too slack and overcompensated for a while with my kids because I felt guilty for the divorce - it did them no favours in the long run.

Enforcing discipline can be kindly and calm. You don't even have to be right but the bottom line is that you are in charge: they need you to be in charge. Perhaps you could post some specific examples?

Hello GS! (love the name). Delighted you are out, and that you are all safe. Hope i can reassure you a bit re SS - what Social Workers are doing is assessing risk to children and various things will feed into that assessment. The main thing is that you have been proactive and got out of the situation. One of the other major protective factors is your insight into the abuse of both you and your dcs and your determination to remain out of the relationship. As i frequently say to families, SS can deal with just about anything as long as they are aware of it - what ramps up the risk is secrecy and non engagement.
i think you are worried that as you were to some extent complicit then you will be seen as not protective (sorry if i've misjudged that but it seems to be what you're saying!) SS are looking at the future for your children as none of us can change the past and the insight and awareness you have gradually shown on your threads will, in my view, be assessed as a strong protective factor, particulalry as you have taken the difficult step to remove you all from the abuser.
Different SS depts work in different ways but all have an appreciation of the dynamics of controlling and abusive relationships and victim blaming is not part of the job!
It's also worth asking them for help with parenting / setting boundaries etc. In my dept we can refer to parenting classes, and also to programs which provide tailored and individual support to both parent and child when required.
Hope some of that helps - stay strong!

GS, I started a thread a few weeks ago about parenting for people who had been raised by narcissists. You might find it helpful even if that isn't your parents, just because you've been struggling with the same issues.

I will try to find it and link (sorry if I cock it up).

The main themes for me are consistent gentle discipline (I found 123 Magic helpful), connecting warmly with the kids (I found Playful Parenting helpful) and keeping an eye on my mental state (I found Buddhism for Mothers helpful). None of these come naturally to me but I have learned them.