A happy update from TIL

[TisILeclerc]

She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now she?s intending to lie a little bit low.

Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.

This time they really are ?safe? in the way that everybody hoped previously.

NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her

Great to 'see' you here and get an update!

I would go back to your Women's Aid counsellor and ask their advice. They must have dealt with this kind of situation many, many times, plus you have already taken them into your confidence and they are aware of your history. You can't possibly be the only woman who has had this kind of worry after leaving.

that's a good idea. they would know.

op you are an adult who was under extenuating circumstances. wood and trees.
forgive yourself.
you are the lioness now. x

GettingStrong (yes, you are!), the fog is lifting now and you are feeling pain that was anaesthetised by just coping with such severe and comprehensive abuse, protecting your DC, and, yes, minimising. Part of thag will be accepting painful things about your actions BUT do not make this your focus. You know you have masochistic tendencies in terms of excessively blaming yourself, please do not use beating yourself up as the new thing you use as a displacement to not focus on what really needs to be focused. You didn't realise the full extent or effect, but you knew enough to get out, you reached out for help and you took it, and you're working through it now. You have changed your Dc's chances in life for the better, totally. Better late than never, sweetheart.

As others have said, SS do understand what happens in abusive relationships. They understand the panopticon effect of abuse (you become self-regulating to the 'rules' of the abuse to save yourself, so that things that might make someone in a non-abusive relationship say "fuck off, you must be joking!", would make you accept and agree to with little or no questioning or resistence). But the worst thing you could do is to minimise and excuse his behaviour towards you all, and go on and on about how guilty you feel, etc., out of misplaced guilt and loyalty. There is a balance between accepting your part in things and then implicating yourself. I say this because I worry you would do this (I get v guilt-stricken over stuff, and probably would do it myself).

They will be impressed that you have left him, although, as you know, once his abuse is logged, you would bring a shitstorm on your head if you went back to him.

And there's a reason why he is obsessed with avoiding outside agencies (even a plumber!) - he knows people will be horrified, disgusted, freaked out, angry, weirded out, whatever, be that someone checking out the danger rooms in your home or a counsellor hearing the true extent of his abuse. If you want to break the cycle for good, and truly save those girls for good, you need to speak up and speak out. Remember - the truth shall set you free.

Greatvto see you back, GS, and hope our answers help a bit. Don't forget to ask WA and your counsellor. That is what they are there for, after all. Please don't think you're bothering them or asking too much.

Girls? Sorry, meant Dc - was just chatting to a friend about her daughters, then came straight on here.

Please don't feel ashamed, you were doing your very best for your children as you saw it then, in a situation full of fear for all four of you. You've shown such courage in gaining freedom for yourself and the children, look ahead with hope, not back with shame.

I don't know how SS work, but it's good advice to speak to WA about your concerns, I'm sure they will put your mind at rest.

Not versed in SS but surely they will be most interested in your future than your past. Yy to speak to WA. (thank god for WA)
And all credit to you for doing the right thing and being strong.

You have been through a Hellish experience. be kind to yourself! It is hard i know. but you deserve it. You really do. you cannot change the past so you need to come to terms with it. but it takes time.

Onwards and upwards

i am going to make a donation to WA in your honour and hope that maybe some other mners who have been supporting you may do the same (sorry if that seems cheeky! )

You are at an incredibly early stage of recovery from abuse. I'm sure it's normal that you have feelings of guilt about leaving as well as guilt about having stayed. You have a tendency to be really hard on yourself - but what you mustn't do is indulge that and let it suck you down into a place where you are paralysed again.

Specifically on the issue of seeing H again - talk to your WA counsellor and solicitor about your fears and find out what resources there are to protect you here. Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I'm not sure you would necessarily have to see him in person at all if you don't want to - can you not communicate through a solicitor? Could child contact be handled through an intermediary or at a contact centre, where you wouldn't have to see him? A solicitor could help you negotiate contact with him. You don't have to do it all by yourself. Hasn't anyone talked to you about this yet? Do you have a solicitor with lots of experience in DV cases?

I think it's also important for you to recognise that once again this is about your fear of making decisions with consequences. That is what kept you in the relationship and is what is making you anxious about talking to SS. You have got to conquer that paralysis for your own sake and for the children.

Keep to talking to everyone around you in RL. Come back here, anytime, no matter what.

And keep reminding yourself your dcs are safe now that is what counts

...and that is down to their wonderful, strong,brave mother.

I'm not an expert in how SS work, I think Oxford is probably right on the money here.

Some other salient points:

(1) The H didn't want 'other people' involved because they would/will be horrified at what a turd he was/is. Hence, get those people involved! -sunlight is a great disinfectant, as the old saying goes. You aren't betraying him by doing this. His treatment of you and the children has been one massive betrayal of what a husband and father should be. He ruined the marriage and family by being abusive. You have done nothing wrong.

(2) Getting SS and WA involved enough to fully realise the extent of his abusive behaviour will be vital in protecting your DC going forward from here.
I think he is quite capable of trying to use the courts to continue to control and abuse you, as he has always been using the children to control and abuse you. You need to come out and say to someone "he used my fear that he would hurt the children, to control and abuse me." Because unless SS and WA are fully aware of what a danger he poses to the children, he might be allowed unsupervised contact with them, at a later date.

Now is not the time to sweep anything under the rug, or blame yourself for any of it. Now is the time to expose him for what he truly is, in order to protect your children from weekends spent playing with lighters at Daddy's house, in the future.

You LEFT. You did it all right. You have been incredibly brave and strong, and you have saved them and you too.
You have to keep on saving your family, day by day.
The good news is, I know you can do it :)

Great post blackcurrant.
Good point re. getting it all out into the light of day.
know what you mean gs about feeling disloyal. it is a hard habit to break. but he deserves no protection.

Please don't hold back. You do not owe this man protection. The people you owe that to are the DCs.

It's easy to believe that your situation is unique and that the bubble you inhabited was one completely different from everyone else's family life. 'Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way' is a platitude that is not in fact true -- WA will recognise what has been going on. The box in which your H placed you won't be unknown to WA either. Please don't react to this by clamming up. Put your DCs' welfare first and open up to WA.

You need to look at things from the pov of what the children need and act accordingly. Keep on doing this, one day at a time, and do not let your fears paralyse you.

Based on what you now know:
Do they need debriefing and counselling?
Do they need protection in the future from spending unsupervised time with your H?

If the answer to the second question is yes then the answer to the first one is also yes btw. The DCs will need to have their needs assessed and as their advocate you are going to have to be open with a third party about their needs.

You must try to answer honestly and not with a view to keeping your H from visiting some sort of revenge upon you (you need to keep the DCs' welfare at the top of your priority list in other words). The law offers a measure of protection from this sort of act on his part and if you are afraid of his response you need to avail of what is offered (orders of protection, etc). So being upfront with a solicitor will be necessary too.

You have to make the consequential decisions about counselling for the children and about a solicitor for yourself (and them).

The huge thing you have in your favour now is that you have left. Maybe you don't understand yet how huge this is, but it is marvellous.

You must not lose your resolve and start considering returning or allowing him a foot in the door to convince you to return. Take this day by day, don't look back and don't look forward and don't allow yourself to panic; be disciplined even though this is uncharted emotional territory for you. Reach out for help dealing with your emotions and even though you are shaky, behave as if you have the resolve to go through it and you will find yourself getting stronger (you have picked a great name).

Do not make contact with him. Now that you are away you have to stay away.

What math said. It is crucial at this time that you do not hold back in telling WA, SS and solicitors just how bad he is. Tell them everything, no matter how uncertain you are about how bad it is or anxious you are about your own role in it all.

If you do not do this now it will come back to bite you later when you find you don't have adequate support in place to protect the children from him, and to protect you from being controlled by him through them.

Yes, just as you fear that what you did wrt the nursery school accident report will come back to bite you, so too will attempts to minimise now.

It is far better to be frank, for the children's sake as well as for yours. They will not get the help they need unless those in a position to help become aware that help is needed and what sort of help. Whatever fallout they have suffered as a result of living with your H is not going to just evaporate.

Don't dig a hole for yourself (and your children) here by doing the 'safe and familiar' thing (keeping it all private and not making the leap of trust and the decision that is required). Don't postpone what must be done.

You can do this one step and one day at a time.

xxx

SS - those who deal with DV are totally used to this. Do not be afraid. You will not look mentally unstable; you will seem to be what you were, a frightened abused woman struggling to hold her family together, You have come so far. Be honest.

some terrible things happpened to my kids in my house wen I lived with my exH - mush much worse that you have written. When I left and it all came tumbling out there were no recriminations to me, only support and help in rebuilding.

The kids are safe NOW, thats what matters. The only time I could see them being concerned would be if you went back to him...

just be honest. It will be fine

Hi GS, you sound stronger all the time.

With regards to SS, whilst noone can give you any 100% guarantees, and every local authority works slightly differently. I work for an agency that work closely with SS, and I think the main factor is that you've removed the dcs from any potentially dangerous situations. They tend to look at your ability to care for the dcs right now. I would really try not not to worry about SS, they deal with DV situations every day.

Hi GS. You have been so strong to get where you are now and it's no wonder that you still have fears and worries. After all, you were used to being worried all the time. I don't have experience with SS but I really don't think you have anything to fear from them. Having found the strength to leave is exactly what sets you apart from any parents that SS would/should have concerns about. I don't think going into forensic detail about whether you did X every time he did Y is what they want to spend their resources on. They will be looking at you as someone who has recently left an unhappy, abusive situation and simply needs support in keeping your children safe going forward. That is not a mentally unstable person, that is - sorry, you are someone who has made a sane, rational and very difficult decision in her children's best interests.

It must be hard to trust any authorities or "outside people" because of how H's mindset took over and smothered your own instincts, but that will fade, you have already taken the single biggest step. You are their mother, you have and are acting and advocating for them, and this will be evident to the agencies you come into contact with. Wishing you ever increasing strength and clarity.

Big hug GS.

I agree with everyone else.

Tell them the truth, acknowledge that you realise it's wrong and convince them you are not going back to that abusive man.

We all do mistakes. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference.

I think you should have feared SS if you were still there, but no now. :)

Nice to see you GS, and I hope you feel things have improved for you (they have).
I don't know about SS but others do, so please take their experiences on board and try not to worry.
I'm sure you will never be forced to be alone with your H. When you need to sort practical stuff with him it can be done via your solicitors, or via email (get an account just for dealing with him).
One step at a time ...

Hi GS. Just wanted to say that guilt will keep coming back in various guises over the years, just like your fear of H, and regrets, and what-ifs. Sorry, but that is how people work.

It will creep up on you all the time, about big things and silly things. It is normal, it is a reaction, it is your brain trying to pull you back to the familiar state of 'GS always being wrong/bad'. But you won't let it, you know better now.

I reckon the thing to do is treat it like a cheeky child trying to get its own way. I sort of say to myself, 'Oh, building, there you go again, feeling guilty about that thing again. Yes, you aren't perfect. Yes, you do your best. Let's move on shall we? Think about what to do next? Practical steps?'

You will learn more and more how to trust yourself, now that the Great Underminer is out of the picture. You've already made the most important decision and taken action.

I left my husband soon after the beirut hostages came out. The whole story spoke to my situation - if they could get out, so could I. I remember feeling very jealous and angry that they had some good, solid debriefing. That may sound bizarre but the extensive research I have since done on the effects of domestic abuse show that being a victim of domestic abuse is similar to the powerlessness those hostages experienced. I craved debriefing, so I could get everything out. Remember that some of the hostages dobbed in their fellows during their incarceration - it was all about survival. Please don't underestimate how conclusive the fear and control was over you and those of us who have experienced it.

But you got out. Those who work with victims of DV know how nigh impossible it is to get out, the psychological enormity of taking that step (when we have been brainwashed to believe that getting free is impossible, with dire consequences). You did it. Getting out shows your sanity. You said that you would stay if it was only you, but you got out because you knew the situation was dire for the children. You got out for them. SS etc recognise what you have done, and why.

It is natural that you will have moments of revelation, and along with that, sometimes overwhelming feelings of guilt and recrimination. That's part of your recovery. You must be honest in order to bring these things out in the open as part of your recovery to wholeness. You were a victim GS.

Lovely to hear from you. Keep going. Each day brings fresh things, mostly good. If you are awash with guilt now, it will pass as you learn more and receive more and more support.

Hello GS - oh how I like those initials! It is very good to see you posting again.

You have done such a big thing - leaving. I was so happy to hear that you had done so, and in such short order. I for one was so proud of you (sorry if that sounds patronising, but you really have done a very big thing which took great courage). But then, we knew you were brave.

No one minds you coming back with problems. Quite honestly, if you had done what you call an all-singing all-dancing post, I expect many of us would be more concerned, and wondering about when things were going to hit you!

Other people will know more than me re SS etc. But it seems clear that if looking back you are shocked and horrified by what you went along with, that you left with your children because you wanted to protect them, and you have no intention of getting back together with him and putting your children in that situation again, then SS and everyone else would support you in that all the way.

Delighted to hear you have lots of rl support.

Don't beat yourself up about what is in the past. Yes, tendrils of the past will reach out, but try to stop yourself and your children getting wrapped up in them. I know that is easier said than done, and I am preaching what I certainly do not always practice. But please go as easy on yourself as you can.

Morning GS!

I'm very pleased to see that the prevailing opinion is this. As I said, you can't hold back with SS. SS are not the enemy - they are your friends and they want to help you to protect your dcs. They can only do that if you are honest.

Additionally, if you are not honest with them now, you will always be afraid of the truth coming out. A life with constant fear is a familiar thing isn't it? Get rid of it. You are a new woman, with a new name, with a new life - there's no room in this life for fear of that nature.

As ever, you know how I feel - you just need to believe it yourself x

Welcome back. I think telling WA and SS everything you can is the best defence you and the children have. I am no expert in the workings of SS, but as I think I suggested earlier, it is in their interests to have an "easier" case, like an outpatient instead of a "bed-blocker". If they support you, sharing that support with other agencies (CSA for finances, NHS for counselling, Dept of Ed for the DCs' educational/pastoral needs, etc.), you will be a positive case for them. There will be no need to find foster families for 3 children (where they might be split up). It is cheaper, simpler and safer fir you to remain together, and that"s really the way to allow you all to heal: much better than four broken people in society (plus Dangerous H).

As for "betrayal", he gave you everything you needed to expose him, forced it on you, even. He didn't have to make you all live like that. Now he must accept the consequences that he richly deserves (contrast that with you and DC, who spent years putting up with consequences of his actions and desires which you DIDN'T deserve).