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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A happy update from TIL

388 replies

TisILeclerc · 18/04/2013 14:29

She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now she?s intending to lie a little bit low.

Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.

This time they really are ?safe? in the way that everybody hoped previously.

NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her

Thanks
OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 12/05/2013 17:35

GS, I doubt you remember me among your many supporters which doesn't matter anyway.

I know you don't feel it, but you're inspiration. Your bravery, passion and patience is just... IMHO GS, you're a hero.

Kleinzeit · 12/05/2013 20:11

I am so glad you?ve created this sanctuary for yourself and your children, SB. Your mixed feelings are not stupid, they are only natural. I?m sure you will find a way to express your feelings and deal with them safely. Give yourself time.

GettingStrong · 12/05/2013 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allalonenow · 12/05/2013 22:13

If anyone deserves Thanks it is you GS, so here are some more Thanks Thanks. I wish I could send you ballooons and cases of fizz and hugs unlimited.
Take care, be yourself, the world is out there waiting for you.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 12/05/2013 22:25

GettingStrong, you're an inspiration to me, DTD and all women. YOU DID IT! IF you can, I don't to be needlessly worrying if/when DD gets herself in some trouble with a rotten egs she'll become ensnared.

You were ensnared. Now look at you.

Not pom pom waving btw. Genuine awe and admiration

mathanxiety · 12/05/2013 22:32

It's American mother's day so Flowers

DollyTwat · 12/05/2013 23:12

So fantastic to see you posting again GS

Have you had that fab hair cut yet?

Original poster
TisILeclerc · 12/05/2013 23:29

Bless you, GS if it wasn't me it'd have been someone else. But thank you Smile

Allalone feel free to send the fizz my way Wink

OP posts:
wordyBird · 13/05/2013 00:53

GettingStrong, so glad you are still ok, and it is lovely to hear from you.
I want to say more but will just offer Thanks

FairyFi · 13/05/2013 10:44

What a lovely co-appreciation society I have just read! Wonderful wonderful all .

Flowers Flowers to addto the many.

Yy keep talking GB I hope you are still gettting the WA support.

I think the word stupid, is a very valid one (bear with me please), only because so many have turned this situation against themselves, and called themselves stupid, because of the way in which abuse is delivered. So, I understood you completely using thatword, and it does seem the right word, and it described so well how the experience made us feel, but that was before the understanding. Which is what, in my ham-fisted way, I was trying to describe... as in we realise how much more complex it is, and that its much the feeling of being 'duped' by a conman/a cult. They are good at it! Very practised and their life depends on it.

On moving through the process we come to realise how we are not stupid, how this thought is replaced in the end by those of how very cruel, sadistic, cold, mercenary, sinister and dangerous they are.

A bit of a dark post! amongst the lovely vibes, but just wanted to validate your feeling of that post ^thread, by explaining myself a bit clearer....Wink

... any of that fizz left xxxxx

springypergolesi · 13/05/2013 21:31

Great post Fairy.

Walkacrossthesand · 15/05/2013 17:30

GS, I've not been on MN long compared to some, and I've not experienced an abusive relationship perhaps because I've been single for 18 years but my lurkings on this board have taught me a heck of a lot, I'm reading Lundy, and the more I learn, the more filled with admiration I am at how you navigated your way out of your predicament. The weeks are going by, and I hope you and your DCs are settling in to (and loving!) your new way of life.

mathanxiety · 16/05/2013 15:07

Hoping things are still moving in a positive direction GS? Every day away from H is an achievement.

prettybird · 19/05/2013 08:45

What you have achieved is brilliant: having the strength to challenge ingrained beliefs, working to change thinking patterns that were imprinted so so long ago, coming on here time and time again to discuss painful truths.

You truly match up to your new name Gettingstrong Smile

Jux · 19/05/2013 10:24

GS, still thinking of you.

Fairy is so right. It is so hard to see that one has been made to feel stupid, and to separate it from the actuallity of being stupid. You are not stupid, but have spent a long time being made to feel stupid and confused and bewildered that you are applying the epithet to yourself. You will stop doing that. Each time you think it tell yourself firmly that you are NOT STUPID. I had a friend - a counsellor - who suggested I wear an elastic band round my wrist and whenever I had one of those negative thoughts to ping it!

FairyFi · 19/05/2013 21:42

Jux I am just wondering whether a slightly kinder way(!) might be to challenge the internal voice whenever it is heard, by saying, in fact I am wonderful [your own positive affirmation]. You don't have to believe it, but important to just repeat it each time.

It is also to know the point of the 'stupid' reversal when he is seen for the reality he is. As in this instance, the stupid goes away on its own when the reality is realised. That the responsibility of abusive behaviour lies with him. This true is vital.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2013 22:06

A positive affirmation a few times a day can be a really good thing.

Jux · 19/05/2013 22:29

Fairy, you're right, of course.

GettingStrong · 20/05/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justonemorecardi · 20/05/2013 12:23

Hi GS, I'm no expert in this, but I think the difference between a control freak and abuse is that a control freak genuinely cares about the other person but just can't help themselves, whereas an abuser gets pleasure from pushing the other person into a corner and making them uncomfortable.

I'm so glad you and your dcs are out of the situation - how are they adapting? Are they ok? You seem to be doing so well.

Lemonylemon · 20/05/2013 12:24

GS: You're minimising. He was controlling and he was abusive. To control someone is to be abusive. You're taking away their autonomy. Simple as. (As my son would say).

Lemonylemon · 20/05/2013 12:28

GS: It is very believable that a man would pressure his partner to the degree that you were pressurised. It is all about his ego.

The fact that you feel humiliated, in my opinion, is that you're waking up to the extent of what went on. There's another thread on this board where the OP feels like an idiot for thinking her marriage was one thing, and her H had been having an affair, thus she's now coming to terms with the fact that her marriage was not as she thought it was.

Speak about this. To speak about it reduces the size of of the burden you're carrying round.

ljny · 20/05/2013 12:44

I have been feeling really stupid about everything that led to me becoming a mother of 3.

Oh hun, don't continute to beat yourself up over that.

Some of us have let others pressurise us into decisions that derailed our lives. You love DC3 but you didn't choose to have 3 children.

Let yourself move on. What if DC2 had been twins?

Jux · 20/05/2013 13:14

There are things which are his responsibiltiy and that is one of them. You do not need to carry the burden of things which are his responsibility.

IME, if he were a (simply) control freak, he would still have listened to you, and made massive efforts to curb himself. You would not have had 3 children because he would have had a conversation with you about contraception and not objected to you using it. He would have respected your decision and disinclination.

It is difficult to disentwine the two, but I have known a few people who need to have control over everything but were not absuive! as they saw that they had to leave people to make their own decisions, and that others' needs were as important as their own.

Your ex was abusive because he simply didn't, or wouldn't, acknowledge that you were as important as he was. Nor were your children. You were chattels to do with as he wished according to his whim.

This does not make you stupid. It makes him nasty and abusive. People like that are skilled at hoodwinking people and then applying pressure in particular ways that lull them and gently taking away their autonomy. No one will think you were stupid for being used by him. No one will think you are stupid at all.

What people will see is the strength and determination you have so that you could live with it for so long, been turned into a shadow and then to have got away. You have been imprisoned, and have escaped. Do people blame those who escape captivity for doing so? No, they admire them.

claudedebussy · 20/05/2013 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.