A happy update from TIL

[TisILeclerc]

She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now she?s intending to lie a little bit low.

Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.

This time they really are ?safe? in the way that everybody hoped previously.

NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her

Not just stress and chaos, GS, but the last thing that guy did was actually make you safe. Quite the opposite. The car, the house, the other stuff you hinted at but couldn't quite say - we don't forget! :)

Hi GS, lovely to see you sounding clearer. I think you know that the only way to help yourself through this is talking, talking and more talking. You have done absolutely the right thing for your DCs, and no-one will be judging you negatively for what you have done.

Have a really lovely weekend with your DCs, I'm glad to see that you are enjoying your treats with them.

We need a [sunshine] smiley I think!

Hurray for little treats and a weekend in the sun!

Oh GS, I'm so delighted that you and you children are enjoying simple pleasures, in a short while you will all be revelling in your new found freedom.

These next weeks and months could be difficult for you all, but you are a brave and resourceful woman, and you will overcome problems.

Take care GS, and enjoy the sunshine.

I think the only way to break the habit of minimising is to share (not with us, but with people close to you) exactly what things were like. The best reinforcement you can have is a row of these faces .

Your own judgement is still too skewed by years living as a prisoner, basically. You'll get there but this is another reason to be honest with people.

And if you haven't already done so, start writing up an account of all the bad stuff he did over the years. It's a valuable record for solicitors etc and it helps re-affirm your sense of purpose.

I completely understand that you aren't sure what to say to who. I'm sure WA are as well. And, yes, I'm sure minimising is a very hard mental habit to overcome.

Maybe you could have an sort of list in your head of who needs to know what. This is just a suggestion.

H - nothing, of course.
His parents - nothing
Your parents - not sure?
Your friends - not sure?
Acquaintances/strangers - nothing, just a line.
WA - everything, be super super honest and in fact discuss this precise issue with them
SS - everything, as advised by WA and everyone here. I have seen others in different situations say that dealing with SS in a very 'thank god you are on my childrens' side, let's work together to sort things out, I'm ready to get help' can be very very productive.

Are there others you are unsure about? I'm sure all these lovely ladies will help you think it through if you want.

Very glad to hear you're safe and pleased you're doing so well even if it doesn't always feel that way. Be kind to yourself.

"WA - everything, be super super honest and in fact discuss this precise issue with them
SS - everything, as advised by WA and everyone here. I have seen others in different situations say that dealing with SS in a very 'thank god you are on my children's side, let's work together to sort things out, I'm ready to get help' can be very very productive."

Yes -- please talk with WA and SS, GS.
You need to do this for the sake of the children. They can't be helped appropriately unless you advocate for them. You also need to do this for your own sake - because it will be a major breakthrough for you, and also because there is absolutely nothing to be gained by not being frank.

You need to sort out your motivation here in order to get over the problem of reticence. You need to ask yourself whose interests you are serving, both short term and long term, by minimising or playing things close to your chest. If the children's interests are coming in second to anything or anyone else's then you need to consciously put them first.

Hoping you and the DCs are feeling exhilarated by beans on toast and cheesy mac .

Yet another that your H disapproved of these simple meals - presumably you had to cook more complicated concoctions for his delectation - but if I had to guess what he would have thought of beans on toast I think I would have guessed right, so not surprised.

GS -- WA and SS will also be able to fill in the blanks, so please be frank with them. They will need to see that you understand both what your H did and what you need to do henceforth for the DCs if they are to have confidence in you.

I would just add that I would hope that SS would be fine with you saying, much as you have done here, 'Oh, and another thing, seems silly somehow but thought I'd mention it...H once...H always said...H never...'

I don't think you need to feel like you have to have an 'outsider's' perspective yet. You are recovering. SS will (surely? can others confirm?) be able to deal appropriately with unsureness and mentioning things that could be totally normal or could be an awful sign of abuse in the bigger picture.

And hopefully (again, someone else confirm, please!) they will also be able to deal with it appropriately if you tell them about something and say something like, 'I know it seems crazy but I didn't do anything at the time because it seemed so little/reasonable when H explained it/too difficult because I'd just had a baby. I'm slowly realising that it probably wasn't okay but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it.'

And by 'deal with it appropriately', I mean, they will focus on the picture you are giving them of a controlling abuser and the effect he had on ALL of you, and what action is necessary to protect you ALL going forward. Not focusing on blaming you in any way.

Sorry if I am going on a bit, but it seems really important that you are just as honest with SS as you have been with us, in fact, even more so.

They aren't in the same category as other people, the neighbours, your mate from toddler group, whatever, where you probably do need to protect yourself and be circumspect. Not with SS.

I think this has been described up thread, but in my professional experience of SS they are completely over stretched and a rather problematic system that has set their threshold for intervening disturbingly high. So yes GS, while all those things happening before were abuse, the level of risk would not likely be high enough for them to take action. If you speak to them now, I think they would simply be relieved that you have taken decisive action and there is no current actual role for them, apart from to signpost you to helpful services, and reassure you you are doing a good job! That is a good day for a SS worker! It may be good to speak to them sooner rather than later to stop you worrying about it. Good luck.

Only just found this thread (thanks TIL) and just wanted to add my support xxxxx

Hoping no news is good news?

Yes, I hope you're getting the chance to kick back and enjoy the lovely sunshine. Reminds me of when I left ex - blissfully languid sunny days

SG please come back and let us know how you are?

Have you gone back to him? If so, you wouldn't be the first. I went back to my abuser - just the once; though it is not uncommon to go back more than once.

Thinking of you.

No, she hasn't. She's good. Life is getting better

oh GOOD-EE

Thank you so much, Tis. So good to know.

GS I am very proud to have just spotted you on that other thread giving advice as a woman who was abused in the past.

That's exactly where it all is now, in the past. You are now seeing all those things from a different perspective because you are now looking in from the outside, instead of being on the inside trying to look out. There is no need to be ashamed at all of things you did whilst someone else was controlling everything. You did not put the dangerous thing in the kitchen and you would have moved it immediately if that decision was up to you. We all know that, ss will know that, wa will know that.

And as for actually missing him.. in my case I had been so controlled that I realised after a while that I didn't actually miss his personality or the way we were together in the relationship. Because his personality was abusive and controlling, and as a result it wasn't really a relationship. What I think I confused with missing him, was the lack of all the directions and decision making. Suddenly I was on my own having to find somewhere to live and a car to buy, and had to make all the decisions regarding that, by myself. Whereas before he had done all that. So I sort of 'noticed a lack of someone pointing me where they needed me to go ' but it wasn't missing HIM.

And, please don't be offended by this but if you were a RL friend sitting across from me at this table, and said you miss his arms around you in a protective way...
I'd put my cup of coffee down and remind her that the big arms belonged to a man that she never felt able to say no to sex with.

Beans on toast, very simple yet satisfying.
Rather the opposite of something demanding, and only superficially substantial.

Hope you have had another good week.

TIL, thanks for that piece of news. Good to hear. Good on you, GS!

Oh! I've just seen this thread. Thank you so much for updating.