A happy update from TIL

[TisILeclerc]

She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now she?s intending to lie a little bit low.

Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.

This time they really are ?safe? in the way that everybody hoped previously.

NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her

excellent post Math

math I am going to try the team stuff too!

Great post math

Another good book is Kids Are Worth It
www.bookdepository.co.uk/Kids-are-Worth-It-Barbara-Coloroso/9780060014315?redirected=true&gclid=CJ-8kKfS7LYCFUZLpgod4W4AXw

To put a positive spin on this, you can see it as a very healthy positive sign that dc1 is able to talk to you about his feeling and experiences. It may be that by talking in this way he is trying to work through his frustration and distress about the illogical rule of the previous regime, which could be very helpful developmentally and an important part of the healing process. So good on you!

It might help if you can acknowledge and validate those feelings, and try to demarcate for him the difference between then and now. Things like: 'yes we did often do things that didn't make sense didn't we? Like when we all had to be quiet or watch what daddy wanted on TV... It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I don't think anyone would be happy like that! That's why we aren't living like that any more. We have our own ways of doing things now, because you are right, in a family everyone's feelings are equal'. And then refer to the new family team, house rules and rituals etc. You might need to go over this over and over again - because it took so long to learn it might take a long time to unlearn, and his sense of injustice will probably need to be repeatedly acknowledged, and the reality of now reinforced over the reality of then.

He might also start to ask why you didn't do things to change the situation. Whilst this might be incredibly painful for you, you should totally give yourself a massive congratulations if he does, because it means that a) he isn't scared of you or trying to protect you, which means he really perceives you as a safe and available loving mother, and b) he truly understands that the situation wasn't his fault. I'd say to that you can say the truth: 'I was trying very hard to figure out what the best for us all was. Once I realised I couldn't fix things as they were I decided it was best for us to come here. I'm sorry it went on for so long, and we all had that trouble, but at least we are here now.' Something like that?

You may find this poem helpful:

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn . . .

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight . . .

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive . . .

If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself . . .

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy . . .

If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt . . .
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient . . .

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident . . .

If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative . . .

If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love . .

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves..

If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is . . .

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice . . .

If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him . . .

If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live . . .

Math, you are amazing.

GS, I also think that Pannacotta has come up with a strong and sensible way forward for you.

Hope you have a great Sunday. You are so aware of yourself and your children. It's perfectly normal to be confused and unsure in your situation, but being so aware is most of the battle won. The rest is just practicalities; you can trust your instincts, you know. They seem pretty spot on. (And be kind to yourself too. Your children will see that everyone makes mistakes and feel that they too can get things wrong sometimes without the world ending.)

MadAboutHotChoc, that is sooooooo true!

Hey GS. How are you doing? Thinking of you and hope things are OK.

Hope things are ok GS.

I completely missed this thread until now, I just wanted to come in and add my welcome to the new world, GS.

It's perfectly normal to miss the man you thought you'd married, which is what I think is happening.

One step at a time GS, one step at a time.

You are in the right track and are aware of your feelings.
You will be alright, I'm sure. :)

I think I can understand what you mean. I haven't been in the same situation but when anything ends there's a mourning process to go through. I think in this case you miss what he could have been; what your marriage could have been and what you invested so much effort in.

But you are strong enough to recognise that this didn't exist; it is sad that it didn't though. Don't feel bad for having the feelings that you have, they need to be worked through. Make sure you use the support networks you have - I'm sure many of the people on them would gladly give you a hug. Here's a virtual one ( )

It must be a bit like 'phantom limbs'. You were just so used to him that it is going to be strange without him for a while.

And I think it must be par for the course to have feelings of wishing it could all 'go back to normal', mustn't it? Most of you knows that normal wasn't at all good, but there's always that little bit of you, wondering and wishing, and trying to convince the rest of you that it was alright really, you made a mistake, etc.

But you know that little voice now, and you know which bit to believe.

I hope you are getting lots of RL support from WA and others?

Normal breakups feel like that, too. Missing the person you broke up with, or who broke up with you, is normal, esoecially if a rekationship finisged hefore it went entirely sour. Don't be afraid that this is, or you are, abnormal!

Even violently/abruptly ended relationships leave the innocent party desperate for the relationship to continue a little longer so the innocent/wronged party can extract his/her closure. However, it IS possible to move on without that replay-of-the-ending-on-different-terms, and probably wise. In cases of infidelity, the wronged party risks being humiliated again (by someone who doesn't want to risk being humiliated in his/her turn, having got away with it the first time). In the case of a violently ended relationship, the risk of backlash from the abuser is so much more dangerous that it 's not worth the risk, for the sake of...
what? Your H had enough chances. It's your chance now.

If you think about it, you stayed all that time because you were living on hope - the reality was nothing like the hope, it was the hope that kept you going. It'll take a while for the hope to die off.

If you have led a very private, closed-off existence, it'll take a while to start to open up and out. If you are, as hoped, in a refuge, then the staff are fully aware that you will be experiencing some level of disorientation and will take a while to find your bearings. The other women have their own stuff to be thinking about and won't be looking at your wondering what is going on: those of us who have been through similar don't tend to judge others who are treading the same path.

One foot in front of the other, give yourself a break, go easy on yourself. Let yourself relax into your new life and don't worry if it takes a while to settle - it's bound to. I sometimes miss my ex and the other night I dreamt we got back together - such a warm, lovely feeling. Irrelevant that he's been dead 10 years and was, anyway, married to someone else when he died. and, of course, was an horrific abuser who controlled me half to death.

feelings aren't necessarily logical btw.

GS you sound so well aware of your feelings. I hope you realise they are normal and not a manifestation of some innate weakness of yours. There is a necessary grieving process here. Hope also you will reach out for the help that is there. Small steps, 'one foot in front of the other'.

Long time lurker with a name change here. So so glad to find this thread and hear that you are safe, I've been looking out for an update from you.

GS, you will open up more as you understand - I mean emotionally, which can lag behind intellectual understanding - who you can trust. You also no longer need to protect your h or yourself, and that will take a while to fasten itself into your gut.

Unlearning long-held habits can take a while. You have been holding yourself in for a long time; these things will happen. Remind yourself every day what a good person you are, what you have achieved. Try to stop negative thoughts and consciously tell yourself something positive. Eventually, the positives will replace the negatives in your gut.

This bit is hard, GS, because for years it's as if you've been a magnet and your exH is magnetic north - of course you'll be confused and spinning. [Here endeth over-extended metaphor].

I missed my abusive ex physically - in a quite animal way, I missed his smell and his arms. You're right to avoid the luxury of such thoughts. If you find yourself lapsing into them, remember what his face looked like when his eyes were cold and you could tell he was in a rage.

What I found useful was to start writing up a chronology of our time together and all the bad stuff he'd done. It was useful to (a) stop me lapsing into missing him (b) to present to the lawyer and social workers.

Try to find little treats for you and the dcs that he would have frowned on. There are better times ahead, you just have to keep plodding on till you get there. Like going on a bear-hunt - can't go under it, can't go over it, have to go through it!