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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interested or not sure?

47 replies

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 09:43

I need to know the difference between being scared of commitment or not interested. Its a very long story but I have met a guy that is holding back and I dont know where I stand, it all boils down to him being hurt and his wife leaving after 18 years, he is vey bitter 10 months on and is finding it hard rebuilding his life. Apparently Im good looking, he likes my company and has enjoyed our dates but cant quite put his finger on it. Im wondering what he means?

OP posts:

Stubbed56 · 18/04/2013 09:45

To be honest, unless he's demonstrating fully that he wants to be with you then I wouldn't bother. Too many games & hassle. Could be exhausting.

dontyouwantmebaby · 18/04/2013 10:15

agree with stubbed56 - don't waste your time any further. It's shouldn't be all about what he wants, what do you want OP?

"he can't quite put his finger on it" despite him saying you check all the boxes eg attractive/good company/fun to be with etc. Well how would he like it if this situation were reversed and you said that to him?

I don't know how long you've been together so maybe he feels 'pressured' too soon about a new relationship? Tbh his inability to let you know where you stand would and the fact he is holding back because he is bitter about his previous relationship not working out would have me just keeping him at arms length and doing what I wanted & be free to meet other people.

Leverette · 18/04/2013 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2013 15:06

Agree with Leverette.
It's too soon after his split.
If you are enjoying each others company and get on well then just carry on with casual dating for now.
But if you want something more then you need to move on.

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 15:10

Bin. You've been dating what, a few weeks, a couple of months? And already it's difficult and you're having to worry about whether he likes you or not and what he "means" by things.

He could just be not over his wife yet, or he could be someone who gets off on having women try to "mend" his broken heart. Doesn't really matter - either way, you're highly unlikely to have a good relationship with him.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:13

He has said he is scared after coming out of a long marriage and said he is bitter. He has actually text me first for the first time since we met which he never does and seems happier and more interested. I dont mind casual as my life is busy too but its nice to know that I have a chance of it developing other than not knowing when Im going to see him. Its only been ths and we have met 4 times, thats is very early on I know and I sound a bit nuts, its not that I want this guy to propose but I dont feel anything from it. Just thought when you meet someone something clicks and you want the other person to know your interested.
He says he misses the closeness of a relationship and cant wait to walk hand in hand with someone thats when he said he cant put his finger on how hes feeling. He really is a genuine guy and I feel sorry for how he is feeling but its not too nice for me. Thats why Iv come along to post cos I thought is it me wanting too much too soon.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/04/2013 15:14

"Apparently Im good looking, he likes my company and has enjoyed our dates but cant quite put his finger on it. Im wondering what he means?"

It means 'I'm happy shagging but don't fence me in'.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:16

He also says its not his feeling for his wife he is bitter about its how she left him for someone else and took his life away, with his kids and hes had to start all over. Yeah its only been a few dates, but messages etc throughout. Mixed messages most of the time. I know its early but I never know whats going on.

OP posts:

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:18

Hes not like that I knew of him before we met and he isnt after just that he just says he doesnt know how to deal with his feelings.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/04/2013 15:22

He isn't ready. Keep things light or look elsewhere. Cool off and don't chase him.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:28

I have backed off and he has contacted me first today but I wont hold my breath, I have no clue when Im seeing him again. I just really like him and iv been dating long enough to see that the good guys are very few and far between.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 18/04/2013 15:45

It sounds like he is not ready for a relationship. You may be an ego boost to him. He may even be in the healing process. But as I assume you want to be something other than a nursemaid, you are going to remain frustrated.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:48

Ok thanks all, ok tell me. How long do you think he will be this way?

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 15:48

"He says he misses the closeness of a relationship and cant wait to walk hand in hand with someone thats when he said he cant put his finger on how hes feeling."

Ah, right. "It could be you who mends my ickle broken heart, but I'm not going to talk straightforwardly about it, just make you wonder..." No wonder you never know what's going on, that's how he likes it.

Now that you've backed off, he'll come on really strong. Until you feel safe and reciprocate, at which point he'll suddenly be "not sure about his feelings" again.

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 15:51

x-posts. Sorry, still think you should bin and not look back. I am just very cynical and very right today

MsWinnieBaygo · 18/04/2013 15:52

He is completely emotionally unavailable and this kind of set up will just end up with you feeling more and more anxious with you never getting your needs met from this relationship. Trust me, I've been there.

You should never really have to question I depth if a man likes you/wants to be with you, if he does you'd just 'know'. The fact that be has said he's not really feeling it tells you all you need to know and you should walk away now.

I've had that before - guys on paper who should be perfect but I just wasn't feeling 'it'. Who knows what 'it' is - no chemistry, no being fully ready - regardless, walk away now and find a relationship, equal, two-sided, where the man is into you and you don't have to play games with yourself about who texts first etc

I was in a 'relationship' like this for 10 months or so and it ended up messing with my head and self esteem

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 15:57

Oh really? I know what your all saying but I like him :(
What do I do explain all of this? How can I walk away when IV told him I want to see him again?

OP posts:

MsWinnieBaygo · 18/04/2013 15:57

As another poster said, stop focussing on what he wants all the time. This will also make you come across as needy and as if he can do what he wants and you'll still be there waiting. Focus on what you want from a relationship. Is he meeting your needs? Does he make you happy? If not, why are you still there?

You have to assess this in accordance with the actual reality not how you think things could be like if he would change, be more interested etc.

Baggage Reclaim is a good website to look at as by his own admittance, he just isn't that into you. That probably won't change tbh.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:00

I ask myself this and at the moment he doesnt make me feel that great as he doesnt seem too interested but when Im with him I am happy and he ticks many of my boxes whereas Iv never experienced this before.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 16:02

I think it's perfectly ok to just say "Actually sorry, I've been thinking it over and changed my mind. I don't think this is going to work for me." You're not obliged to explain yourself too much when it's only been a few dates.

You do have to mean it though.

(And if on the offchance he is genuine and just getting over his marriage, if he emerges from the fog a few months down the line and thinks "I was an idiot with jesscakes", he'll know where to find you. But don't tell him that, obviously!)

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 16:04

I hear what you're saying about ticking boxes. Trouble is he doesn't tick the really big important box of being properly, openly interested in you.

Branleuse · 18/04/2013 16:05

hes not that into you

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:06

Thanks MadBusLady this is the thing, I want him to think that so shall I date him a little more to let him see how amazing I am haha just kidding but I am a genuine person with alot to give and try to look after mself with great goals in life. Do I need him to get to know me better or do I end it now. I know its only been a few dates but we have both opened up alot and I know of him and my sister knows him as a lovely guy and everyone tells me how lovely he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:07

So even though he is still hurting and finds it hard after 18 years of marriage, he really isnt in to me?

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 16:10

well if he's lovely I guess the obvious question is, why is making you feel insecure? Why do you feel on the backfoot, and like you have to jump through hoops and demonstrate your worth to him?

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