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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interested or not sure?

47 replies

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 09:43

I need to know the difference between being scared of commitment or not interested. Its a very long story but I have met a guy that is holding back and I dont know where I stand, it all boils down to him being hurt and his wife leaving after 18 years, he is vey bitter 10 months on and is finding it hard rebuilding his life. Apparently Im good looking, he likes my company and has enjoyed our dates but cant quite put his finger on it. Im wondering what he means?

OP posts:

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:10

My friend came out of a very long marriage and acted the same as him to this lovely guy and this guy was patient and they are now madly in love she just found all the emotions hard at first.

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MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 16:12

Go for it then, and see what happens. My prediction stands.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:12

Yeah you are right. He is aware of what hes doing and apologises for it. I just thought when someone likes you they make you feel it but then I wonder like I said in my last post can it grow?

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LippiPongstocking · 18/04/2013 16:13

He is hurting and finds it hard after 18 years of marriage. It is entirely possible that as a result (just a few months after his breakup) that he CAN'T be that into you.

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. End of.

MsWinnieBaygo · 18/04/2013 16:13

Tbh the only person who can tell you if he is into you is him. Ask him.

The fact that he has said he just isn't feeling it indicates to me that he isn't into in that way. Ask him what he meant when he said that.

MadBusLady · 18/04/2013 16:19

Can it grow? I'm sure one time in a 1000 it can, if the guy IS genuine (and I'm not convinced of that, he sounds like he's dangling stuff in front of you for kicks to me). It just depends how long you want to wait around hoping that you'll be the lucky exception, all the time getting more and more enmeshed and committed to the idea, and as a result all the more miserable if/when it finally doesn't work out. I don't think the first few months dating should feel like that, who needs it?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 18/04/2013 16:27

"he is very bitter"

That alone means that you really need to walk away.

You can't be with someone who is carrying bitterness about, it will make any sort of decent relationship impossible. What if he takes out his bitterness on you?

I think it would be wise to back off and tell him to look you up when he has managed to let go of his anger and bitterness.

Dahlen · 18/04/2013 16:32

No one is saying he's a player necessarily. He may well be a lovely guy and well-suited to you. None of that changes the fact that at 10 months post a bitter break up from his wife he is nowhere near ready for a new emotional commitment.

Many people start dating that soon after becoming single. Men, it seems, more so than women and in a much shorter timeframe (possibly because fewer have childcare commitments constraining them). It means that a lot of people only have a small window when they are available and for that reason it's tempting to grab with both hands when you find someone who is generally lovely.

But - and it's a BIG but - ask yourselves why someone so soon out of a LTR is dating. It's usually someone's way of proving to themselves that they are still desirable, that they're over it, etc. That doesn't make them ready for it, and he's actively telling you that this is the case.

IRL, relationships rarely conform to the ideal. They often start in less-than-auspicious circumstances. It's tempting to normalise this and think it'll all work out. But personally I think that's part of the reason why more relationships fail than succeed. The ones that tend to work out are the ones where people have taken time to process the mistakes made in their last relationship and learn from them before embarking on a new one.

If you really like this guy, back off from him and tell him to contact you in another 6 months time during which he's remained single.

TheNorthWitch · 18/04/2013 16:36

Agree with ImtooHecsy - if he really feels so bitter and hurt about his ex was it really fair to start a relationship with you? He's not in the right frame of mind and I think he's being a bit selfish there. He could also be just using it as an excuse not to get involved, but still gets to sleep with women, and they end up getting messed up thinking more was on offer.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:44

I have said to him I feel myself I know how to succeed in a relationship more so than first time round as you can see how things may of gone wrong, and had time to process and he agreed and said he definitely knows how to be different next time round.
I asked him what he meant and he said about me ticking the boxes but cant quite put his finger on why he cant commit a little more, he said its not me.
It is like I dont want to let go cos it is like Im holding onto something that I feel could be, because he is lovely unlike anyone else I have met.
Ok Im scared to text him this now cos I know he will say ok he understands

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Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 16:55

I have said if hes emotionally and physically not ready then he shouldnt be dating, the next day he deleted himself from the dating site. his was tuesday and I saw him monday, since he is a little bit nicer via texts. Thats how we met although he lives in the same town as me and I know of him

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MsWinnieBaygo · 18/04/2013 17:08

He was still on the dating site after 4 months until the start of this week? Nope, he's definatley not into you and sounds as if he was wanting to have his cake and eat it.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 17:13

No 2 months off now and said he has had a good think and he shouldnt be on there and then said actually Iv been having a think alot today, then has been nicer to me through texts.
Im not a mug and dont wanna come across as one, just trying to understand

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SolidGoldBrass · 18/04/2013 17:15

OK, he may be a relatively nice man who is simply still messed up over the end of his marriage, and is dating you to prove to himself that he's still desirable. But he could just as easily be a woman-hating shitbag whose aim is to have you (and any other woman he dates) constantly fretting about what he really wants, what he really means, and could you possibly be the one to win his lurrrve? It sounds a bit like a power trip to me: the idea that you should spend all your time trying to win this 'prize' of commitment from him rather than wondering if it's actually worth the bother in the first place.
Bin and move on. Life is too short to focus on a relationship that's difficult from the beginning.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/04/2013 17:19

Mind you, after a few months, it's OK not to be making commitments anyway. It's possible he's simply being honest about the fact that he doesn't want anything more than a bit of fun and a shag or two. However, OP, what do you want? If it is a serious relationship you're after, he's not offering it so move on.
If you decide to hang in there and try to persuade him to commit, then any distress you suffer when he refuses to do so and/or walks away will be at least partly your own fault.

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 17:31

I want to feel like Im worth someones company. Im busy with life in general and my children so cant commit 100% and to be honest is scares me moving on to the next level of introducing kids etc but I know I wont do that until Im 100% ready. I just want to spend time with someone, not every day but enough time, every other weekend. So Im not asking for much really. Im not looking to move anyone in for sure. Just to feel like Im worth giving a chance and to be made to feel that way. He has said we will go out again and hasnt said when and from passed experience hasnt contacted me its me contacting him. I make all the effort. Do you know what your all right, when Im typing I can see that Im holding onto something that I myself dont even know if I will want more from him a few months down the line so yes is it all worth it. Is he worth it? I just know its hard to find genuine guys with good morals etc. I have to say though he definitely isnt a player or someone that dates alot, this Iv heard from my sister who knows him. He keeps busy through work exercise and goes out with his couple friends.

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Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 17:33

He isnt offering it is he? How long will I be waiting til he is. I guess its better to be alone than feel this way.

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MsWinnieBaygo · 18/04/2013 19:44

No, he's not offering it. How will you have to wait - how long is a piece of string.

You can only base your decision on the current reality not some future fantasy of what you hope you will be like. At the moment he is offering you crumbs of his attention and making you feel insecure, anxious and unhappy.

Explain to him what you would like and if he says he can't offer you it, move on.

Viviennemary · 18/04/2013 19:51

Trying to see it from his point of view. Ten months out of an eighteen year relationship isn't very long. If he is kind and considerate is that enough for you at the moment without expecting some sort of commitment. I wouldn't write him off just yet. I'd be more wary of the type that declares undying love after about a week and then another week later you don't see them for dust!

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 20:56

This is what Iv experienced every time. Yeah he is kind and considerate but doesnt make much effort. I do feel anxious and insecure th it but I wonder if everybody does at first

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KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 18/04/2013 21:06

I am sorry, I don't think you float his boat.

You should both be in the exciting honeymoon period now, not unhappy and insecure.

Do you think he is still in love with his ex-wife?

Original poster

jesscakes · 18/04/2013 21:17

He says no. I believe him.

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