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Original poster

Didn't enjoy sex last night...

27 replies

Kione · 17/04/2013 09:04

and DP just carried on Sad
A bit of history, we've had a few bumps and me not having libifo at all went for a few months, maybe a year. Eventually I found a way to get myself ij the mood and it has been much better lately. So yesterday I was in the mood when I got home but then we had a luttle argument and libido just dissappeared. The we had couple of ciders each so not off our heads and went to bed. He started and I thought "oh why not, might end up enjoying it". But I dindt. I went all stiff to see if he realised but he just carried on. I even told him to finish quick quite sharply and he still carried on abd finished quickly.
I feel sad about it today. it has never bothered me before, but it does now as we where getting on well Sad
What do I do, should I tell him? and what or how?
Thanks.

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:11

Tell him, just explain it as honestly & neutrally as you can.

Also, you are well within your rights to ask him to stop if you're not feeling it. It's a very personal thing & if you're not in the right headspace or upset etc then anyone worth being with would rather you both stopped.

Hope you're ok Thanks

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:12

You say you get yourself in the mood. What's the issue? Does he help or could he help more?

Do you know what caused the lower libido?

Does the cause still need addressing?

AuntieStella · 17/04/2013 09:12

Yes, of course you need to talk to him about this.

Now, he's not a mind reader, so may have genuinely thought 'finish quick' meant you were OK for him to carry on. You need to tell him how bad it was for you, and you wish you'd asked him to stop (else he won't know, and it is something that he does need to understand better).

What is communication between you like generally? Are you able to discuss both the good and the bad with him in ways that help you find solutions together?

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:14

(my DP is usually very understanding but this happened to me a few times too & he literally had no idea til I told him & he was really upset I'd let him carry on. it may be a case of that)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/04/2013 09:19

I think the reason you feel sad is because you're in a miserable situation which is very contrived and artificial. You're blaming yourself for not having libido and you're finding ways to get yourself in the mood when it's clear the fundamental problem is not with you but that you're partnered up with someone who is a really selfish, insensitive & inconsiderate lover.

That's way beyond 'a few bumps'.

I think you need to talk honestly with each other because, from what you describe, something's desperately wrong. A good sex life is like a soap bubble.... one inconsiderate prick and it's all over.

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:20

A good sex life is like a soap bubble.... one inconsiderate prick and it's all over

Wise words Grin

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:20

(Scuse the quote fail)

Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 09:25

I dont know ehat caused the loeer libido. it was a few.months after we had DD, funnily enough the first hard tiring months we where fine. And then she was really a good sleeper, so it wasnt new baby syndrome.
So I havent got a clue why is it. We had a chat over xmas abd really has made an effort to do family things and stuff around the house. To me it jyst seems pureky physical, I just dont feel aroused.
I get in the moid during the day by thinking scenarios IYKWIM Blush
And then go home and both enjoy. Not last night tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 09:25

and thanks Yoni Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 09:26

sorry the touch phone typos Envy

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:28

What does he do to get you in the mood?

Does you feel like he really does care about you & your needs (not just sexual)?

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 09:30

(forgot to say is it a pressure thing? You went off sex a bit, DP got frustrated, you could tell/he told you & now you are now turned off by the pressure of it. Maybe you could do with taking the pressure off/him taking the pressure off)?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/04/2013 09:34

"To me it just seems purely physical, I just dont feel aroused. "

Arousal is a complex thing. Sometimes it's instant and other times it needs time, relaxation, attention. The arrival of a baby changes you as a person, ramps up the responsibility, and it can make you look at life and also your partner in a different way. When you said originally that you've had a 'few bumps' what have those been about?.... Has something happened that has made you lose respect for him? Have you as a couple ever gone in for extended foreplay and other arousal techniques or, looking back, has it always been a bit 'wham bam thank you ma'am'?

Branleuse · 17/04/2013 09:36

:(

I think maybe you needed to say to him actually im not really enjoying this, can we try again tommorow. Rather than asking him to finish quick, and then being surprised when he just tried to finish quick.

Theres always going to be misunderstandings, and its not uncommon for sometimes one person to be into it more than the other. In an ideal world both partners will be completely and equally as hot for it and it will be wonderful, but sometimes sex is just an itch to scratch, and it sounds like he was just accepting it as one of those times, but really, it meant more to you than you were letting on and it just shows how unhappy you are with sex at the moment.

I think you need to have a big talk xx

Katnisscupcake · 17/04/2013 09:49

I'm the same and it has NOTHING to do with DH and all to do with me. I've always had low sex-drive, always. It hasn't got any better, or worse since having DD, being off the pill etc etc. He does more around the house than me (we both work full-time), walks the dogs everyday and is an amazing husband and father.

The other thing is that when we do go to bed (for sex), he ALWAYS 'looks after me' IYSWIM, makes sure that I have a good time. So it's all too easy to blame the men, but I know that this is purely hormonal for me and there's nothing I can do about it. The only time that I was really 'up for it' was when I was PG. From beginning to end.

I think that's why he's so happy that we're now TTC DC2, because he gets it regularly. Doesn't improve my libido though, at all.

So I do understand how you feel, it doesn't have to be because they're not helpful or they're uncaring of your feelings. But definitely talk to him. DH would be mortified if that happened to us and I hadn't told him to stop.

And if you find a cure for your lack of Libido - please PM me!!! Smile

Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 09:50

He has never done anything fir me to loose resoect for him. The bumps where because he was really unhappy at work = always grumpy at home, not paying attention to each other, not doing things together, and that is when I was having sex with him only cos I felt guilty of depriving him if that. I know Sad . So I just told him I had enough if that and I rather be alone. So he really made an effort, niw he comes to town with us even sits for a coffee! Grin and I was reakky really chuffed. So I kind of thought things during the day that would make me a but "in the mood". So we where ok fir a few weeks. But last night it was like a few months back.
But I am taking on board what you say and wull talk to him tonight. I just thought he myst have noticed that u wasnt enjoying it. I mean I went all stiff and told him to finish because I wanted to go to sleep Confused

OP posts:
blueshoes · 17/04/2013 15:43

Are you still bf-ing? It can have a dampening effect on the female libido.

Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 15:45

No DD is 3.5 and only did it for 4 days. But the firstbmonth where actually ok! it was from 5th month onwards that started to go...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 15:48

*First months
sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 19:23

He just asked me "I hope you enjoyed last night" so I replied "actually..." and explained. So he said he didnt realised. But that still makes me Sad . I hoped he'd know me better.
But I know next time I can just tell him to stop.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/04/2013 19:32

hes not a mindreader. Hes probably mortified, but its still good he told him.

Sometimes a good sex life takes work, and im sure you miss it being fun too.
Hormones can do all sorts of things, and stress too.

Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 19:46

He is not that mortified, gone upstairs for a nap Hmm
I know he is not a mind reader, but I know when he is not in the mood for certain things

OP posts:
butterflymeadow · 17/04/2013 20:34

Yes, I don't think he needs to be a mindreader to realise stiff, unresponsive partner equals partner not enjoying it.
He chose to listen to the words so he could finish rather than pay attention to the body language and stop Sad
I guess that is why you don't feel good.I understand why you feel like that.
I also don't think staying in town for a coffee with your partner is a big ask, it is something nice to do together.

Original poster
Kione · 17/04/2013 20:47

He has always hated going to town and never been to a cafe in here until he met me, its not his thing and I understand not
everyone likes the same things. This is a rural place and he is very "rural" Grin So for me it was good. And lovely for him to make the effort.
The sex thing, not good but he niw said it was bizarre as he was half sleep and he doesnt remember well Hmm

OP posts:
butterflymeadow · 17/04/2013 20:50

Ah, okay, I retract the coffee statement. Fair enough.