Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

We have just gone through how finances might work. He wrote to the building society yesterday and I will try and go to cab tomorrow. I got a tiny bit tearful but no sobbing. I feel so sad for the children. In some ways it may be harder for them to move between two homes, especially as they will not have their own bedrooms with their dad. It is all e little things, horseplay while doing the dishes, watching horrid fils together - they like them even if I don't obviously! We have also discussed a couple of things he will try and get done before or shortly after leaving. The plans we had for the house this year will come to nothing but doing a couple if things, especially for the children's benefit will help them I think.

Upstairs now having a weep, least these horrid bones give an excuse for staying upstairs!

I think for someone who has lived with the same peeson for 30 years you are doing pretty well. You've got a plan and there are a lot of pressures on you to retain the status quo, such as teenagers and schools. You are being very brave to let go of your son, and honourable that you are letting him do what's best for him. Many parents would be fighting over this and you are putting his needs first.

I hope Thursday goes well. Remembee you can always let out a room if money gets tight. I know lots of people who are doing that.

I have let rooms before! Sometimes fun, sometimes not!!!

This is so hard, he just went to call me darling and stopped at the d. How can he do this? I don't understand how someone can not even want to try and keep families together and happy. I don't understand how someone goes form love (we were def in love immediately before that women arrived on scene) to what feels like distain. He is being really lovely re the pain I am in, bring cups of tea etc. he has sent me spreadsheet of what he intends to pay when and at first glance it looks generous rather than mean.

We have decided on jobs to do before he leaves and have started booking workman etc. I do not understand how he can be so unaffected by this. He talks to the children with ease even when discussing plans that he knows have a different end point that will be.

Fuckity on your other thread it was established that he had always given less to your relationship, had been selfish, lazy around the house, and created dirt for you to clear up. The affair - as they so often are - was just a manifestation of all of that. So there was a high level of disrespect present before the affair and unfortunately, when you took him back and were willing to settle for even less than you had before, it made his disrespect even greater. So be careful of thinking that all was perfect before the OW came on the scene.

He is able to pretend so effectively with the children because he is able to lie easily and get others to believe him. I'm sure that must have been true before the affair; it was definitely true during it and since then, he's been able to lie about being committed to this relationship and you've believed him. I feel sorry for the children that he is raising their expectations in this way though and he (and unfortunately you) might suffer some fall-out from that when the truth becomes known to them.

He is unaffected by what's happening because he knows that it's the right thing to separate, for both of you but especially him. As I've said before, he has got to the point where he thinks the alternative would suit him better. You might never know what got him to that point, or it might be revealed later. He checked out of your relationship long ago and his acceptance of that has been longstanding, so the emotional shift for him is nowhere near as huge as it is for you. He knew he was lying about his commitment remember - you were in denial of that, despite all his actions being incongruent with the words he spoke when put on the spot.

You're sounding more accepting of some of these sad truths though - and much less defensive which is to your credit. You sound terribly sad, but that is completely normal and is something you have to go through and not around.

Negotiating a 'training course' sounds like an excellent idea to help these weeks run down. If he's also on Right Move at least it looks like he's taking finding a rental more seriously. It's perfectly in order to ask him about that though and to discuss where he will live.

He doesn't have to be a total monster does he. That's what confuses you. He cares up to a point... but never quite enough.... He can afford to make little gestures that will pacify you without putting himself out.

I have just looked in a mirror. No wonder he does not love me. I am so old and tired, three stone overweight too. He passed a comment about the pile of drugs yesterday that was on the side after I have picked up my prescriptions form the chemist. I think he is scared of being old and looks at me and knows he is getting older. I am such a total wreck.

H has never been perfect. Selfish is but one unattractive trait. But what we had was built on a very solid base, I thought.

No one else will ever remember my dad and the things he did.

I am also so worried about him. A foreign said the other day that his forgetfulness was almost as though he had dementia. I can see that now. She spotted it when we were discussing something for one of her children that friend knows nothing about what is going in. Have I finally decided I can not live like this only to abandon someone who is ill? Someone I promised to acre for? Suppose he is ill and the children think that I am terrible for deserting him! Suppose he gets one of his utterly lost spells and there is no ne he can get help form. Oh god.

Suppose he is ill and the children think that I am terrible for deserting him!

Terrible, how do you mean, like having an affair with someone following your surgery, causing you to have depression?

Age happens to all of us. Issues like weight gain, smoking, you can address those. Confidence-sapping relationship with someone you tied the knot with 30 years' ago, that can be finished.

Bailing out of a marriage by seeking a quick thrill with unexplored genitals doesn't make him Mr Wonderful. Coming back because it ended, glumming around and acting like he did you a massive favour by waltzing back, didn't make him Husband Of The Year.

Reading posters' threads describing the shock and hurt of their spouse's behaviour, many often include the line or something like it, "It's like he's had a personality transplant/a breakdown/mental illness, it's so out of character".

If you genuinely fear that your H is ill, suggest he seek a consultation with his GP for starters. If you delay long enough then yes there is a chance an Act of God could afflict one of you and tie one to the other. How would that work, feeling as you both do?

If you want companionship on his terms, minus loyalty then he's your man. If you want more, then he has been withdrawing for years, and can't offer what you crave.

Come on.

Remember you said that you wanted this thread to have a different script?

Last time you got to about this many posts before you suddenly 'realised' the boys might choose to live with him, so you reversed all the decisions you'd apparently made.

Don't let it happen again.

You are moving on, that much is obvious from your last posts. That's all good. I would still urge you to seek proper legal advice in addition to CAB, particularly in view of the fact that your inheritance is tied up in the house.

Please don't doubt what you are doing now because of his memory issues. They are a separate issue, his issue. You cannpt be tied to a man who has treated you appalingly and with such contempt lately, just because he may or may not be ill. You have done your time with this relationship, put too much into it, stayed too long. It's time for you now.

Putting 'realised' in quotes gives the impression you are sceptical to say the least. I had not ought about where the boys might live. I had not even ought about them having a choice. I had not thought about the impact if a child lived with him, on that child. At that point I could not risk it. Whether he will get gsces or a criminal record I needed to leave it until now. Wile I still had the ability to exert a little control I needed to do it. Now it is up to him largely. He is of an age where I cannily support rather than dictate. I hope I will be able to offer that support regardless of where he lives. Huge difference there.

This thread already has a different 'script' to use your phrase.

A no point ever have we been this organised.

I will contact legal people via work n,ver when I am back in to get it Agatha. I think that as regards the inheritance I will be relying on his conscience regardless. Matrimonial property and all that. I need to consider disparity in earnings as a result of my career taking such a back seat. Also that we paid more into his pension believing that would protect us both. We have requested CETV, I may need to offset cash against pension. I don't know. My stuff is all public sector and mostly it old enough to be final salary although none have many years in. That will be for anther week thin. Roughing out how income might work month by month is fine fr now. I need to think in chunks, while children still want to live at home, when I wil be alone but working and when I will be retired. So much.

I am worried about him ough. He needs to go to go for next prescription but no way will he admit to increased STM loss. Just wont happen. It was hard enough to get him to seek help about his fits becauseof course he did nt remember them!

I keep thinking that he will not be living with his children because if me. Because I am unlovable. Because even for his children he does not want to be with me. Because I could not live with the lack of love. He said we had more than most but it clearly was not enough for me. Revisiting how I felt when realising such a vulnerable lad would probably go to him and away from me has made me think about how this will still have such an impact. I kept reading here that for teens to see loveless marriages modelled was such a bad thing. But was it., there was friendship and laughter. It is all too late now. The children are going to is him so much, apt obviously form the one I think will want to,live with him. Ha ha though that will cramp his style!

I am sceptical.

I notice behavioural patterns and scripts and there are unfortunately significant similarities in both on the two threads of yours I've been on. I do think some of your behaviour needs challenging, both in this situation and also the way you present information to posters and in turn, receive it.

But that doesn't mean I'm unsupportive, or that I'm not willing you to succeed this time. Constructive support comes in many forms and some of the support you seek on this online forum full of strangers might not be what you want to hear, or what your friends might risk telling you.

But it's often what you need.

I keep thinking that he will not be living with his children because if me - that's just not the case though fb, is it.

He was the one who bailed out of the marriage with the affair. For whatever reason. He could have done almost anything but that. If he wasn't happy, he could, and should, have addressed any issues, made more effort himself, talked things through with you, arranged counselling. He didn't though. If it was that he was just offered it on a plate and so took it, well, he didn't have to do that either. In that case, greed cost him, and you, the marriage. Either way, nothing you could have done about it. He was the only one who could have altered that path.

Since then? Minimal effort on his part, using you, taking you for granted etc etc.

You are not unloveable. He made bad choices and you are all seeing the consequences and have done for the past five years.

Hi OP, two years ago I was posting for advice on here, (as Saffysmum) because I was, after a long marriage, and 4 teenagers, going through a similar situation as you. I got great advice. I feel for you, but I really think that the more time you spend analysing everything the harder the decision will be to follow. For what it's worth, things became unbearable a few weeks before my daughters GCSEs and my eldest boy's A levels. I had decided that we would wait until exams had finished. But it was totally soul destroying - living with a man I no longer knew, who tolerated me at best, and ignored me most of the time. Anyway, one night, a few weeks before GCSEs I chucked him out - and it was the best thing I could have done. My kids knew that things weren't good - they all benefited from the new lighthearted atmsophere at home. I filed for divorce the following week - and have never looked back. I think you are over thinking things - the kids will be fine, because you will be fine. But you will only be fine if you gather all your strength, and treat yourself as you would your best friend. Put yourself first, chuck him out and save your hugs for your kids. I wish you all the luck in the world - but please stop trying to fix the unfixable, stop blaming yourself for his appalling behaviour. And start your new life. the sooner the better. xx

I remember your threads 50shades - didn't realise this new name was you. So glad you're doing well, and the kids too.

That is good to know 50. I have noticed some very good advice you have given.

Youngest child has been talking this eve about what we will do to house when, and about a holiday for all of us in the summer. This is shit. He may go on holiday, but not with me.

Thank you Agatha x

Have been re reading it all. This is hopeless. I don't know what to do, probably because there's nothing I can do. Can't sleep. Alcohol has worn off and back pain is bad.worrird about work. I need to get back die all the reason in the world. How can I? Can't drive right now I hoped it would be better today. Can't see i will be able to go into town.

I want a cup of tea so bad! I think I will give it a try. I hoped I would eke up and everything would hurt less. I am dreading Sunday.

I can relate to so much that you post FB, I really can. Right now, you are in the middle of all this, so can't see the wood for the trees, let alone think straight.

You have to remember that you can't control what he might do. Yes, he might go on holiday without you. My ex did - after months of denying the existence of another woman, three weeks after I booted him out, he went on holiday with her. The world didn't stop turning. I got over it. You will too.

The reason, I think, that you are trying to make all this right, is because you don't like yourself and you blame yourself for all that is wrong in your marriage. This is inevitable, when a man like yours, who sounds a lot like my ex, wears you down. You lose your sense of self, your confidence dwindles and they are able to project all their wrongdoings onto us. My ex told his kids that if he had stayed with me, he would have had a breakdown. He tried to project it all on me - the kids, being teenagers, saw straight through it all. They knew what I was like, yours know what you are like. But I was so worn down by him, I took it on board and believed him. LIke you now, I tried to move heaven and earth to try and fix it, because you think you are the problem. This is the crux of it all - the problems are his, not yours. The affair was his, and not your fault. He has to face up to the fact that he has caused this. And if you can, you need to let go and let him face up to it all.

Your marriage is dead in the water. You are spending valuable time which should be spent on healing and moving forward, on something that can't be fixed. You can either chose to move forward, throw him out, file for divorce, or you can stay in limbo hell. I chose limbo hell for a year, before something snapped. My only regret is that I wasted that year, so learn from my mistakes and move forward now.

The fear of what is ahead without him is crippling you, but I promise that it won't be as bad as what you are going through now. You will, first off, get back a sense of pride and dignity - that will strengthen you, and because you will have space to grow - you will go from strength to strength. good luck x

I asked him last night if we could try again (sent text to him on the sofa) I so regret that. I have told him I regret that. Today is a new day. Back very painful so not sure what I will do today. Will have a bath and see if that unknots things a bit later. The misery is not causing the back pain but being tense sure does not hell.

S far today I have been dignified, I know it is early yet but you are right 50 I have lost my dignity and pride along with everything else. How on earth did I get into a state of being so dependent on him for any sense of self worth?

I know I will get a load of crap for posting this, and I have thought about disappearing. However just reading posts like that above really does help. As do some of the fantastically supportive and understanding pms. If nothing else I do not feel so alone. This is a horrible time and not telling many people is reducing support. My sister has just texted asking us all over for a BBQ on Sunday. I will decline as prob not going to be fit to go, but would be diff. I guess we could make sme kind if excuse for husband actually so perhaps not insurmountable.

Today is the day if the spreadsheet! I have never mastered excel so this will be a steep learning curve. If I can't get to cab then at least today will produce as accurate a list of all financial comings and goings as I can. We have not been here long enough to assess utilities but other than that I should have most of the info I need. Actually may try telephone appt for cab.

fb - last night was a blip. Move on now. I'm sure that everyone in your situation has the odd blip, so don't beat yourself over it.

Could you talk to anyone in your family about what is happening? Your sister maybe? Could you trust her to keep it to herself? I really think you need some good support from reliable sources who have your best interests at heart.

I hope you do manage to get to CAB. I also hope you don't get a load of crap for last night. Keep moving forward .

When I went through similar, I was so desperate for everything to go back to how it was, that at one stage, I was prepared to compromise and settle for far less than I deserved. I realise now that I couldn't envisage a future without ex, so I made all sorts of excuses to justify putting up with it. And like you I took on the responsibility of the reasons why our marriage was falling apart. He, naturally, was happy for me to do this, it suited him perfectly. It was such a bad, horrible existence then FB, because I lost myself. I saw myself through his eyes, and when he treated me like rubbish, I thought that was all I deserved. You need to get off this horrible merry-go-round. It is truly soul destroying.

I think a lot of your back pain is exacerbated by the tension and stress you are carrying around. It is a huge responsibility and burden that you have taken on - the repair of a marriage. So you need to let it go. Be brave. You can do this. You do deserve so much better. Nothing will be worse than what you are going through now.

Glad you are moving forward in small steps. You will gain in confidence and strength when you take control. A spreadsheet is a good idea, and CAB appt is a better one. I went to CAB and they advised me on a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer!) who was amazing, and fought my corner. Once I instructed her, I felt empowered and strong. I had taken back control, for the first time in years.

Please tell people - even if it is just a few people. You need support, and I got amazing support on here, but you need RL people on side, and they will be on side, and you will draw from them. Don't make excuses for him, (I did this for years). If you are anything like me, and we had been married 22 years, I was used to looking after my ex, and I realise now that we weren't equal - I enabled him to treat me badly, I excused him, I covered for him. Breaking free from a needy, egotistical man, who puts himself before his wife and kids is a revelation. Like being given wings to fly. But it takes time, so small steps, and don't disappear - because we want to help, and I do understand where you are right now. But if you muster all your strength, and lean on others, you'll get through this. x

Personally I'd rather you felt you could post here honestly and get it all out of your system than go about in rl and not feel able to come back because you have the additional worry of anyone judging you. That way you'd miss gems of information from those wise posters like 50 to name but one who can lend an ear and importantly give you solid advice.

Hope you can find rl support you can trust.

Sorry, that should have said, 50.