Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Yes she should.

Where is your husband going to go on June 17th? Or is it you moving out? I'm a little confused about that.

So in essence what you are saying is that the biggest change is that he's being open in words and behaviour now that the relationship is over?
So this latest catalyst has come from him and not you?

I would think that while he had no alternatives in the past 5 years, he worked out that in order to keep minimum levels of service coming, it was necessary to lie occasionally and fake an involvement that was not there - and to his incredulity, you believed him.

I would therefore have a strong suspicion that a better alternative has loomed into view in recent months and this is why he is permitting more honesty and acknowledgement that the relationship must end. That could be in the form of an OW or more unlikely given what we've learnt about his character, a realisation that the relationship is destructive to both of you and your children.

This is why I'd have some concern about how much control you have over events and timescales. You might not be sighted about the full picture here and how someone else's timescale and circumstances might be pulling the strings in the background. Did he leave to be with the OW last time and if so, did he give any consideration to the timing of that in terms of yours and the children's lives? If you've got a child taking GCSEs, I'm assuming that this child was about to start secondary school/taking SATs around that time?

If he's having another affair, of course it makes no real difference to the outcome, but it might make a difference to the timing and your understanding of what's happening now and why.

Regardless of any of that, I would reinforce the suggestions to broker an agreement of how you will interact during the next 8 weeks and to aim for polite and civil communication. So the appropriate thing to do if you send eachother texts about the children is just a polite 'thank you' reply because this conveys acceptance of the situation far more convincingly than ignoring eachother, which is about point-scoring in adult games that people play.

OP I agree with others that you only have yourself to blame for not leaving sooner but I can understand that after being together for 25 years, now 30 it must be extremely hard. You grow into each other like trees after that long and you may have to break a few branches to extricate yourself.

I wrote a long answer about two hours ago and posted it, where on arty has it gone? It even lacked spelling mistakes and typos as I used laptop so I could scroll back and answer everything.

Ok trying again but not on laptop so bear with me.

He will be moving out, we have, or rather I have thought about alternatives but that is best for now. Last time he went to his mothers but he will not do that agin. Not least because he would be some distance from the children. I do nit think there is another woman, but then who knows.

It was July five years ago that he moved out and he came back just after christmas. I actually have three children ( I am pretty sure that is the only detail changed but I am sure someone will call me if there ar others) currently year 9, 11, and over 18 and working. The middle child suffered hugely last time. He is trouble with a very sensitive inside. I am v worried about him still, not least because I fear he might choose to go to dads. Dad does not ask where he is going, expect him to come home and generally supervises less than I do. Mind you I have nit managed to keep him out if trouble so who knows.

The oldest will be ok, of course sad but he will be least surprised. He was obviously so much more aware last time and is also I think more aware that things are nt right. The youngest, well I think he barely remembers how we were. This is the saddest in some ways but fortunately he has family he is close to who model better relationships. He is a vey pragmatic little soul, terribly independent and steady. To reverse the last concern I am more worried that he will not want to spend much time with his dad. He likes his own bed

The txt thing, I was so proud at not trying to make it into a conversation but you are right, not to acknowledge it was wrong. I was v glad to know son as home and yes perhaps it was a game I was trying to win.

More tears today but I think a little further forward. We have outlined how finances might work for the ne t five years or so (until children leave home) in very broad terms. I am also clearer about the things I need to find up from a practical perspective. I asked and he said he has not done anything abut moving out. To be fair I usually do relent don't I? I reiterated that I would not live feeling unloved any longer and pointed out out that iwoud be ok. We re affirmed the June 17 date.

I can't scroll very easily so have written this out more from remembering what I wrote last time than directly addressing things. My next step (after dealing with work) is the CAB I think. I have a few questions I am finding it hard to get answers to especially bearing in mind son is over 18 and works and will, I hope, remain part of the household for the near future.

I have also decided that I need friends to be separate for a wee while. I am wobbly and can't bear the thought of wobbles coming back to him. We have also decided not to tell family, unfotauanekty for me that means not my brother, until June.

I don't know what else to say. I am struggling. He tried to hug me gain this afternoon and said he did nit know if he wanted to move out. I asked him to stop the hug and said I would not continue this. But I cried. I went out with the dog. I hate him seeing me being so pathetic. It would be so much easier if he stuck to his guns. You know I really don't know what he wants form life. I am reacting to him still. I feel sick and knotted. Another eve without any wine so that is good. I don't want to rely on that in fact I want to drink less. I can feel a slippery slope there but I've better pain relief now and go not hosp at the weekend do nerve block injections so that is a major excuse gone. . I am very scared about lots of stuff in the future. In other news I did some work on the book thing today so that is a positive and had a really good walk.

I can't think what else to say. I don't know if I have missed anything and this is a book in itself anyway oh e thread with the stunningly brave woman, yes I am watching it. I wish I had the self respect she does. There has been little to respect myself for for a long time now. Career is going better than for years so that should help.

I do know I have only myself to blame. I feel crap about myself.

Yes to sats btw.

That did not stop anything at the time. I am pretty sure life was bad and it affected son but he did not leave until just after.

I have thought I was on top f things before taking positive steps and being firm. I do want it to be different. The pain is physical as well as emotional. I am exhausted by it all. No need to worry about another educational excuse though, college is unlikely to be a goal. I just hope we can find him something that is both enjoyable and legal to occupy himself with until he grows up a little.

Where's your husband going to go then, if not to his mother's? If he hasn't got somewhere in mind, will he realistically find somewhere in 8 weeks?

Presumably your son has got to stay in some form of education until he is 17?

The attempts at hugging have got to stop I think, along with the 'I Love Yous'. I'd strongly counsel you to have an agreement about how you will relate during this period. He's not still sleeping in your bed is he?

Love, every time you post I hope that you have moved a little further on, at least in your own mind.

I am not seeing it. Are you feeling it ?

There is rental property available here. It should not be impossible..

We are sharing bed, with zero contact. The whole point of this is not to let boys know. As was said before teenage children will kow when someone sleep on the sofa.

I have said that thir needs to be minimal polite contact and no physical contact at all.

I don't know how I am doing af. I have been writing everything but am pretty sure I am not writing the right things. The wave if disapproval is almost as strong as that at home. I just don't know. Each time he says he is not sure we are doing the right thing by splitting I say the right thing - yes we are, no alerntative etc. but I guess he knows me even better than you lot he he know me to be weak and ...oh whatever.

Last time i suggested he went to his mums he just refused. He ended up just not going. I an scared e will do that this time. He is not abusive and he owns half the house. Then it will have to be me that leaves I suppose. I am scared of him going and scared that he won't. I can't believe my life and me has spiralled down like this. I have not seen the assertive young woman I was for a long longtime. I don't know what I am feeling.

I can see that you are trying to make things happen. Unfortunately, he is not really playing ball, is he?

I think this is where some legal advice would be useful to you, and demonstrative of your real intentions to him. From his point of view, nothing has really changed. There is a date set a few weeks in the future for him to leave the house, but he acknowledges that he might not be willing to do that. He senses change in you (that's why he is increasing with the affection etc), but doesn't want to accept that this is final this time.

A single solicitor letter, setting out your formal separation from 17 June, and what that will entail WRT him finding alternative accomodation from that date, would hopefully concrete these plans in his head. That would be a real change from what has happened before. It wouldn't be just of case of you talking with him. It would make it real.

Please consider taking this step. It doesn't mean you would have to engage solicitors any more than this at this time if you don't wish to, but it would formalise this properly to him and anyone else who needs to understand that it is formal.

I am waiting for a call from dr and will then telephone cab for first appt. I have lots if questions I hope they can help with. I think the rwnt should be straightforward. We only moved house a couple of months ago so all financi stuff is accessible and up to date. It Lao men's I have reason key up to date ( it will take a while for new bills to settle) figures for me to work things out on.

Do you know if a sol would write such a letter in the free half hour you get? If not any idea of cost?

I don't know how much a letter like that would be, but if it is a fairly standard sort of letter, without compications, I'm sure that some sols could give you an idea of cost over the phone, or within a free half hour chat. Otherwise, do you have legal support via home insurance, work, union/profesional body membership etc? You may be able to get some decent advice through any of those.

He isn't going to move out on 17th June

He knows that, you know that, we know that

All through your thread you have said instigating a divorce would be the least meaningful thing you could do

I say it is the only thing you should be doing.

Actually I do have some legal advice through work. I will find out about that.

I hope you are wring AF.

"hope" isn't enough

Hasn't the last 5 years shown you that ?

You are married so you get to stay in the house until the children are older. It shouldn't be that complicated for a solicitor. He probably knows this which is why he's trying to avoid moving out.

There is no question at all that he would not expect me and the children to stay in the house. Money is tight so I do need to explore what us best all round financially but I think staying here and eldest nominally moving out with his father is likely to maximise the resources at the family's disposal.

I will know more after I have been to cab. Initial assessment appt on Thursday.

Good that you've got an appointment booked with CAB and that you can get some legal advice via work.

The work bit was down to you. I did not think of it at all! Thanks.

As I see it, you're really not getting 'waves of disapproval'. You're getting extremely well-intentioned advice from people with only your best interests at heart.

But I don't think it's going to move you on or help you if we don't challenge some of your thinking.

As it stands, you're at the mercy of him looking for a private rental that your finances can absorb - and he's doing nothing about that, despite the clock ticking. If he doesn't do that, he'll still be there on 17 June and unless you take some action yourself to move out or put the house on the market, you'll still be no further forward.

I expect we can all see that you're not 100% committed yet to the idea that this marriage is over and that this is why you won't press the issue about him finding a place to live or starting divorce proceedings. It also feels like this is the reason you're still sharing a bed too, when we all know that teenagers wouldn't blink an eye if they thought that parents were sleeping separately for a while because of snoring or your back discomfort.

Being in such close proximity to him in the marital bed is really bad for your acceptance of the situation Fuckity. Despite all he's done to you, it's painfully obvious that you still love him and harbour hopes that he will have an about turn and fall in love with you again.

You said at some point in the thread that you didn't want to talk about practicalities and wanted to concentrate on making the emotional shift required. The truth is that focusing on practicalities such as divorce, sorting out the separate houses and sleeping apart are necessary to help you along with that emotional shift. All the while he is still there tugging at your heartstrings, in such close physical proximity and there are no really concrete plans or signposts that the marriage is going to end, you won't move any nearer to acceptance. Neither will he of course and maybe that's what you want?

By the way, it's probably irrelevant now, but in the interests of fairness to another poster, in your post when you were talking about telling your 'disloyal friend' about the marriage ending, you said this:

"I do not totally trust her but telling her before my husband does feels right for me, it feels more in control somehow."

I can see why this looked like you'd told the friend before your husband because that's more or less what you're suggesting in that quote. I wonder did you know she'd blurt it out to him when he took her home?

I still find it bizarre that this woman who was intimate with your husband despite knowing how much he'd hurt you by his affair, is still so interwoven in your lives and is still playing such a major role in proceedings.

I intended that to read that I wanted to tell her before my husband did.

I can see it was not clear though.

Putting this house in the market having moved in vey recently is not an option. I have considered moving out. The capital in the house is from my parents. He is clear that he will not make it part of my matrimonial sweep up and divide but I am worried. I need to talk to cab about this. Because other than that to be honest I would love to move out. Again lots of reasons for that not least that I so not like it also that would mean I get the fresh start, new bed etc.

The bed sharing. I will yHink, it is tricky to scroll back and forth on the phone. I need to read what you have written and come back.

The friend does not play such a huge tole as you think I think. No contact with hee since Saturday. I suppose being friends with her is like forgiving a spouse that made a bad choice. You forgive and move on but a little worry remains. I think she will be past of my husbands new life not mine. That upset me but now is just another one of those things.

Last night the atmosphere was better here. A better balance between me freezing him out if conversation which the children would all see and that if a couple being coupley. Much politer more distant but some exchanges about tv and football. He spent the eve on right move but I did not ask or look to see exactly what he was looking at.

I have hosp appt first thing about my admission on Sunday. Back home lunchtime I guess. Tomorrow cab. I have some questions written down but any contributions to the list welcome.

I do hate sharing the bed it is rely horrible. It does feel necessary yo keep up this facade though. But I know some if what you might have written might be true. I do want this relationship to be a happy one, however I can't see that ever happening so the next decision is I do not want to live with somone who does not love me. Husband has also said he wants more out of life than we have now. Ironically it will be our anniversary the weekendwnd he moves all his things out. Kind of right in a way. We will end on whole numbers.

I think I am doing everything I can ATM. From what I have read online I need more info before commencing divorce stuff. Oh and we wrote to pension commie a for both of us yesterday to get cash value figures. I need to check out what assistance I would get (and working tax Verdi for example the online calculator says I will get some). What about eldest son eye and importantly I'd I can do anything to protect money form my parents.

I think that's everything.

Oh. Except to respond to AF. I know I am moving on. It might not be at the pace recommended but I am further firward than I was last week. More knowledge has helped also I have done some good work and that makes me feel more confident. I do love my job.

I hope that the epidural Nd nerve block stuff at weekend will mean I can go ba k to work. That will be huge as he works from hone so there is little respite here. The banter of teens will be great. I have had a couple if emails from the kids and I think they will be pleased to see me back.

Good luck with the medical stuff x

Thank you. Tis crap. Getting myself moving will make huge difference. I could not walk the dog yesterday despite the beautiful weather. That dies nothing to improve my mood!

I have asked him if he can 'go on a training course'. That can't last seven weeks but I reckon we could make it last a couple of weeks and very little bit will help. He says he will think about it. Because he works form home it is nt as easy as packing a bag and a laptop but I hope he will do something. Ideally we would do that from Monday. I am certain that the children will not think this odd and I know they will be fab if I am still a bit stuck after Sunday.