Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Thank you everyone. It was just a blip, not to be repeated. Have been thinking about telling my mum. But should would just worry and be powerless to do anything. I think that would be cruel. My sister is a bit judgemental and will most definitely be hard on me. She will, and has in the past, take the you must stay together for the children attitude. She does not have children and adores mine, she will see keeping quiet and keeping things stable as the best thing for them.

I will think about it. Off to do some numbers now.

It won't be cruel to tell your mum. Yes, she'll be upset. Mine was when I told her, but she still supported me. Yes, she worried, but believe me, your mum will worry about you anyway, if you stay, because she will see you become more and more withdrawn and unhappy. Mums worry, its their job, God I worry about my kids constantly, but I would much rather know what is troubling them than be kept in the dark. As for your sister, she doesn't have kids. She might be of the view that you should put up and shut up for the sake of the kids - but it won't work. Teenagers are perceptive, they know more than you think. They will have friends from broken homes. Mine coped well. They adjust. Its not great - but its life. You didn't ask for any of this love, so don't shoulder all the pain from everyone. They will cope. Give your mum a chance to support you. I told my parents a week after I had thrown ex out. Because I needed to be strong to do this. I needed them to see that I was ok. I really wished I'd confided in them earlier, but like you I wanted to protect them. I understand this, its part of your nurturing nature. But people will cope, if they see you are coping. Have a good think, and keep posting.

Talk to your mum if you think she will support you emotionally to do this. I'm sure she would rather know than not know.

I'd avoid telling your sister though, if she is likely to judge. That is definitely not what you need at the moment.

Hey I just read through your thread - thank you for pointing me to it.. but moreso thankyou for taking the time to come onto my post and help support me when you are obviously going through a horrendous time.. You really have a lot to give..it isn't easy when your life is around your ankles to even think about another's pain let alone somebody you don't know.

I can hear in your posts how hard this is for you and I certainly understand where you are coming from. Waking each day and hoping it will be different.. wanting to try again.. you have given so much of yourself to this man and now it is time for you. What are you doing that makes you feel better? Even if it is walking the dog, or browsing the shops on a sunny day.. have your hair done, paint your toenails, make sure you wear nice underwear... even if this feels like painting over the cracks at the moment you will definitely benefit from it. If he comments, or questions, just say you are looking after you and protecting the woman you want to be again for the future. These words were given to me six months ago and it does help with little effort/money.

Keep strong, remember, it is what it is, and you are doing the best that you possibly can under the circumstances x

thank you.

You know what I want most right now? I want him to ask me to give it another go. I want to be the one that tells him to get lost.

I know, just game playing and therefore to be avoided but it would be nice.

Doing numbers. It will be very tight. I am not quite sure how I will manage month by month even if he pays the mortgage. Have requested cetv. Stuff. Trouble is so much of his salary is bonuses. So what he can afford in guaranteed salary is very little. Ho hum.

fb don't let the numbers put you off. There will be ways around that, even if it means moving, or taking in a lodger, or maybe extending the length of the mortgage loan. Probably worth speaking to your mortgage lender to see what options they can suggest.

Personally, I hope he doesn't ask you to give it another go. I think it would mess with your head, which would be such a shame at this point.

We have written to mortgage people to ask to change to interest only. Can't extend term as have just moved and we will be paying until retirement anyway. Rent round here would cost more than mortgage and this is probably cheapest house that would do! It's a bugger isn't it? Don't worry. He will not ask me. I was just flirting with the IDE of why I would say. Polite but cutting was the aim.

Wish I did not have tears when talking to him.

I think if he asked you to give it another go you'd say yes.

fb the tears will stop when this situation has moved on, when he has moved out and you can start the healing process. At the moment you are slap bang in the middle of a shitty situation, so the tears are to be expected.

Keep going with it .

I am not telling my mum. I would kind of having to comfort and reassure her and I can't do it right now. Every time I woke up I thought about more numbers I need to add to the spreadsheet. I feel so sad and numb. I need to do some work but it means sitting and that is nit comfortable. It also means being downstairs with husband. It is better hiding here. I pointed out an advert for a new leggings agency in the local paper. I don't know what eh has done about that yet.

I need a plan for today otherwise I will will just stay in the bed and spiral down. Am trying to think of some,one I could meet for a short walk or a coffee. This is going to be a horrible weekend I am dreading Sunday, and dreading the possibility of depending in him for cups of tea etc post op.

This is going to be a very hard couple of months. I will ask him today if he will think about pretending to be on a course for some, of the time.

I found a place, rented it and moved out all within a week, so you've got plenty of time. However I was very motivated!

I think if you want to then there is nothing wrong with him leaving before GCSEs, however if you're ambivalent then there's no harm in him staying too. 8 weeks after 30 years is not so long.

There is plenty of time, especially as there is rental property available. I would like to see he is making moves though. I don't want him to suddenly say at the beginning of June it will have to be another month. Eight weeks should be plenty of time to sort it all out.

Have gone throu the outline of expenses done by my husband and it looks fairly accurate. There are some things I need to add that he has not thought of but it will provide a good basis to start planning. I are also been reading about divorce and have an idea of the different ways you can do it. Keeping costs down is imperative but I am not sure I can cope with doing it without legal advice. I feel very stupid right now. I don't trust him, but I don't trust me that is the crux of the matter.

I just can't believe he does not care enough to try and make things better. That he has never cared enough to try.

I know, it is horrible to go through it all. I was stunned when my ex told me he no longer loved me, and I can't believe how cold and detached he was. But this is about you now, and your kids and your future, which is going to be good. You have to just get through some practical stuff. Get a solicitor, go to CAB...don't do it without legal advice. You might save yourself money on a solicitor, but a solicitor will get you the best deal. Shop around, there a solicitors that do half an hour, or an hour for free - take advantage of that, and find one you gel with. Then you have to do the hard bit - but you must start to detach from this man. You must start to stop treating him like someone you know - and someone who has your back. From now on, you look after you. I think if you can get him out, asap, the better it will be for you to move on. Limbo hell - that's where you are now - and it can only get better. I've been there - I know. xx

Surely a lot of it must be down to his memory problems?

Alnwick, that is exactly what I worry about. But we have just had another talk prompted by me getting weepy I am afraid. He just does not want to live with me. Full stop. I think the lack of me,Eros might have cause but certainly adds to this. But, he remins cold, almost cruel.

I know it is over I know it is best to wait a couple of months. I just don't know how I can live with this. I am so sad and lonely. He did have my back now he is the enemy. I hate this. I am pretty sure he is planning on jot offering maintence for me. Being enrols to children while still dependent. But I will be so poor, not to mention homeless, when they leave. I have done loads of reading today and I reckon I should get more financial assistance. But, not if he excludes bonuses which are dependant on how hard he works. This means it could be anything or nothing. I am so tired. I am so waging to as him to come toned tonight, then I will any a hug, and then... But I don't want to. I want to be so much stringer than this .

To be honest there is no point blaming memory problems if now, in the moment if you like, he does not love me

What he is planning to offer is beside the point fb after a 30 yr marriage the law considers you both equal partners and assets will be divided an fair and equitable manner. You need to get some good legal advice to ensure that happens.

The issue is less what is fair and more what we can afford. Early talks indicate he will be paying more than three times csa calculations in order for kids to stay here. The equity (what little there is) is mine but I can pay the mortgage. Oh all too complicated ESP for on a phone!

I will get legal advice before anything is finally agreed. Just makes sense to sort as much as possible ourselves now.

Can't pay mortgage.

I think the trickiest bit is losing my best friend. Although it is perfectly obvious I lost hima long while ago what is here still looks and smells the same. He just does not sound the same.

Btw, just in ase any lurker a are doing the divorce thing. I downloaded and have nearly finished reading an excellent book and only 99p.

Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From a Top Divorce Lawyer [Kindle Edition] by Marilyn Stowe.

Hi fb, I've been busy but surprised to find that you haven't moved forward. I do think that you need to listen to 50 who says you are over thinking this. Spreadsheets may be a necessary evil but you don't have to do it in excel. You can write it by hand, or do it on word. The solicitor could do it for you.

I think many women get the man out of the house first and then go through the divorce thing.

What is stopping you telling him to leave? What would happen if you changed the locks one day?

Hi fuckity have been lurking and feel for you so much. When you can accept it's over you will liberate yourself from the constant 'why doesn't he love me'. Not all Mum's and family members are supportive. Quite the opposite. The fact that they are not supportive can be one of the things that leads people to stay in relationships where they are treated like shit. He wants to leave you. You need a solicitor and to take every penny you are entitled to. Let him think about himself - he's good at it x

Aah rogue apostrophe - Mums!