Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Hope you get some sleep OP every worry seems bigger at night. Don't be scared or put off by a wobble. It is like fear before going on stage it can be adrenaline and will actually carry you though your legs are shaking.

He makes it sound like living with you is a penance, some sort of martyrdom. His depression may be genuine, it could centre on being thwarted 5 years' ago.

He could muddle you by appearing extra attentive and conciliatory now. How can you trust what he tells you? Your self-esteem must take a knock with every unkindness.


At least a dog would offer you loyalty as well as companionship, and wag his tail every time you walk into the room.

Rest now and in the morning tackle anything practical. One day at a time. I believe you said in 8 weeks' time DS will finish gcses, that gives you time to seek legal advice, make copies of financial details. Keep posting here for support.

[Charbon]

OP I remember another thread of yours that ended similarly. You had a lot of good advice and you seemed resolute that divorce was the only sensible option - and then you suddenly completely reversed your position for reasons that made no sense at all. That was quite a long time ago now; well over a year has passed I'd say. I know I was vaguely aware of other threads before that and other posters seemed to say they'd all gone the same way too.

I was startled however on this one to read that your husband not only had an affair, but he also had something going on with the friend you had round tonight. Did you give her permission to share your confidences with him? It's upsetting to see that two people you're close to have hurt you so much and that they are still in your life.

I hope you can see the patterns on your threads and that they play out in very similar ways; almost like a script. Like many threads, it feels as though posters are unwittingly engaged in roles of a script only you are in possession of.

I hope you will challenge yourself about this and also that you will finally find the strength to follow through this time. I recall I think from your other thread that your husband's attitude and behaviours throughout your marriage and long before the affair were portents of what was to come, so I don't think the 25 years before it nurtured your spirit or gave you complete faith in him. It's so sad that you gave him another 5 years and that they have been so torturous, but it would be a tragedy if you gave him another day of a life that has been worthwhile for so many reasons.

[fuckitybollocks]

I have woken calmer. Today I will be too busy to cry. That's the plan anyway. I wish I could find some anger, I think that would help I just feel vaguely nauseous and overwhelmingly sad. So pleased i went through with telling a few people yesterday. I have not said anything to any family and think I must not until this eight weeks are up but telling people in real life helps.

I know what you mean about a script. It must have a different ending this time.

[AgathaF]

fb I would be careful who you tell in case word gets back to your children. The person you told last night - it does seem wrong that she spoke to your H about it straight after. Not much loyalty there for you, it seems. I think you should just tell people that you really trust, and make sure you explicitly tell them to keep it to themselves as your children don't know yet.

On the positive side, I glad you are calmer this morning. Time to start making some plans. Maybe put something down on paper - things to do and when you aim to do them by - to keep you on track.

[fuckitybollocks]

I agree with watching who I tell, my family will be fab but will be so upset as well there is no way they will keep it private for now. The friend is an integral part of all of our lives. I do not totally trust her but telling her before my husband does feels right for me, it feels more in control somehow.

The friend I am seeing tonight is a friend from school days. I see her very rarely and she is not involved with my family although obviously they all know each other. She is definitely one for me if that makes sense. She is also a lawyer although her practise is a long way fro family law she will keep an eye on my interests if you know what I mean. I am truly not worried about legal and financial side, I have absolute confidence that my husband will bend over backwards to be more than fair (if only through guilt) nonetheless having someone who is aware of all the possibilities keeping an eye on me makes me feel more secure.

I have a list agatha - on with it!

[AnyFucker]

Glad to see you looking a bit more together this am, FB

You scared me a little bit last night

Don't ever let a man bring you as low as that again

[fuckitybollocks]

I was scared too, I am sorry to have worried anyone though. I will never ever end my life, I have seen exactly what that does to children over a period of many years. It would never happen. That unfortunately does not mean I don't wish the personal peace that would be gained, selfish I know. For someone who spends a lot of her time writing I struggle to be clear here!

I do feel as though it is possible that my family would eh better off without me, I am such an idiot, but never by any means that the children would feel the ultimate rejection of a parent who thinks so little of them.

Husband came and asked for a hug this morning, says he feels bad. For fucks sake this is why keeping the momentum for these eight weeks is going to be hard. Is so much easier when he is a shit, so much harder when he is so down and struggling. I have got to get over the cocky I can care for him and make him happy feeling. I am so sad he does not have memories, but I can do nothing about that.

[AnyFucker]

I hope you told him what to do with his hug

[fuckitybollocks]

There was still a child in the house, so that knee jerk response was not a possibility!

I had to go for quiet dignified version of fuck off - worked though. And probably more effective in terms of erecting and maintaining boundaries.

[MadBusLady]

Well, if it helps I think he is still essentially being a bit of a shit in asking you for a hug. "Because he feels bad." Well, woe. You don't seem to get what YOU want just because you feel bad. But as soon as HE feels bad, it must be expressed and a solution sought, usually one you have to provide. Yes, the roots of his feeling bad are legitimate and serious. But he can't continue to rely on you for emotional support when he provides none - worse than none - to you.

[onefewernow]

FB I have just read all of your thread since I last listed, and actually I am quite angry for you.

Do retread and summarise to yourself all of your husbands comments. Everything he has said to you is about him. What he feels or doesn't feel. What he may want or may regret. Ad nauseam.

It couldn't be clearer that his feelings are just about hedging his bets, and about protecting himself from unnecessary inconvenience.

Only you are likely to change the dynamic here. It is almost as though you are allowing him to take control of every decision, including how and when you split. Take back that power from him.

[AgathaF]

It is probably worth having a calm conversation when your children are not around, so spell out how the next few weeks are going to work. Namely that as you are in the process of (now, not some distant thing in the future) separating, hugs, cuddles and sex are now inappropriate. Polite respect is the way forward. Some kind of timescale of when you expect him to have found somewhere to go, sorted bank accounts etc, packed his stuff.

He doesn't really seem to accept that it is happening, does he?

[fuckitybollocks]

Again, you are right Agatha. I will do that, but tomorrow (Friday not the tomorrow that never comes). Top priority for today is absolutely no crying when he is around at all. I want to regain some of the strength you lose when it is clear that you are hurting as a results of him.
I want him to see that I am serious. I don't want to give him any reason at all to think I don't mean it when I say we are splitting up.

[onefewernow]

I think his wanting to hug you is a clear risk. No doubt he has some regrets, but it is also a bit of an attempt to regain control.

Imagine it from his perspective - up until now, all of the cards have been in his hands. He is beginning to see he is losing some of them. Even though he no doubt has some feelings for you, the hugging is about sucking you back in and regaining control, even if he isn't consciously aware of it.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Stopping a few other things you do automatically over time will also help it sink in - laundry, reminders about appointments or picking things up, buying gifts for his side of the family, alternative dishes when the rest of you fancy a particular meal he doesn't care for - that kind of thing. It isn't being petty it's establishing that things are changing and you won't be working as a team.

[Charbon]

On your other thread from long ago OP, you said you'd told your friends and your brother that you were divorcing having made the decision to divorce mid-thread, so I am puzzled about why you are attributing so much significance to these current conversations with friends? Or that any of them are surprised, as they appear to be the same friends you told last time?

[fuckitybollocks]

Surprised because they thought we have fixed things. I have not old brother yet, I will see him in a couple of weeks and will probably tell him then. I am not sure.

You see it was not just me that was taken in other people were too. I totally stopped confusing anything about my marriage for two reason, it felt disloyal and also because I felt like a broken record circling through the same shit again and again.

One of the safest things for me is that we get on. We like the same tv programmes, enjoy the same food. In the while we like each others company. Him saying yesterday that I forced him to tell the truth was a shock. That made it clear to me that the friendship i thought we had was worthless. If you remember my story you will recall that I liked him and thought that separate having done something so wrong he was a really good man. That belief has been really shaken, his actions have not been those of a good person. That we do not even have a true friendship is shocking.

It is the step from being a good person who has done sown thins wrong to being a not nice person at all. That difference between being someone who told a lie to being a liar.

[fuckitybollocks]

Actually with one exception the friends are not the same people. I have been more thoughtful this time in gathering support for me rather than support for us. It feels very selfish writing that. I am going to be more selfish though. With the exception of doing the best for my children I am doing the best for me now. I think last time I was still thinking of us as a couple. I also really thought that we could still regain the partnership we had. Now I know otherwise.

I de regged mainly to avoid the embarrassment of people who (rightly as it happens) doubted me. There is an event of that here now. I feel as though I am being told that I am useless. I realise that this might be my interpretation based on how useless I think I am. With one exception those I have spoken to over the last few days re those who believe I can be successful in creating a better life. That is important for me right now. I still have doubts about my ability to separate, I need to find courage.

[fuckitybollocks]

Sorry I meant to say. I de regged nd so not know what name I used. If you know where the old thread is please would you pm me a link? I think it would help to read it again now.

[fuckitybollocks]

Blimey. Not only too much but too many typos and predictive text changes to follow. A gold star for anyone who makes it through that crap.

And note to self, consider never ever posting from phone again!

[Charbon]

I have searched and managed to find the old thread I was on. I've PMd you a link to it. Curiously enough I hadn't re-read it before I posted last night so we were both relying on our memories!

I often suggest that posters read their old threads, because people's memories often play tricks on them. I think that's what has happened here with you. Your recollection today of what happened and your mindset then didn't match my memory of what you'd said on that other thread I was on. Then again I hadn't remembered that you'd disclosed on that other thread that your husband and your friend had been disloyal to you, but you had.

I think you've still got some way to go before reaching full realisation I'm afraid. I think you are in grave danger of being in the same position or worse in a year's time, so I support the advice to make divorce formal even if your husband stays at home for the time being. Divorce is not irrelevant. In fact it would be a significant and meaningful action in that you've never got this far before.

Something seems to have changed in him and he appears to have stopped any form of pretence of feeling. There could be lots of reasons for that, but it might have an impact on your control of this situation.

[fuckitybollocks]

Thanks charbon. I tried to pm my thanks but it did not appear to work. You may have several thank yous!

[fuckitybollocks]

I don't know how much has changed in him, or whether I am (I hope) less easy to manipulate. I will have read later, I suspect it will be rather grim reading.

[fuckitybollocks]

That was hard to read.

[fuckitybollocks]

I think I am different even is the script is the same one, or at least similar.
I hope so anyway. I know that I am not in that black hole at the moment.

I have been thinking about whether he is less trustworthy because he cares so little I am not sure. He still looks and sounds the same. I was good yesterday. Saw people. Did things and did not cry. I feel very wobbly this morning. Sad and scared. A lethal combination.