Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

[AgathaF]

How are you doing now fb?

[fuckitybollocks]

Bad. Really bad.

[alterego2]

fb - I am sorry you are in such a bad place and struggling so much. I can't offer you any help or advice - mainly because you are in the place I expect to be in in a few years time. My H also had an affair, we are also supposed to be working through it, we are not. Not really. I can only offer you empathy and a hand to hold. You can be strong and you can get through this. And, if all of MN is right, you will be happier. Me - I believe in those MNers!

I hope, one day, I'll take the steps you are taking. I know you're doing the right thing

[alterego2]

fb - how are you this morning? Hope you got some sleep and are feeling stronger today. What are your plans for the weekend - anything nice?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Bit of a plateau after the intial push required to embark on a new phase. The whole saga drains you of emotional energy. He isn't going to suddenly make things easy for you. Spend time apart, go out take the DCs or just use a couple of hours by yourself. If he confuses you by appearing to be affectionate or deeply interested remove yourself and get some space between you.


Like the scrappy old car you mean to dispose of that suddenly runs smoothly, the cantankerous cat that purrs and nuzzles the day before you plan to give it away, he might up his game, not for unselfish reasons, but self-preservation.

[fuckitybollocks]

I am seeing friends tonight, we should both be going. I don't want him to come so need a reason, for the children not the friends. I will then stay at the friend who has in the past been disloyal. I do not have many options. We shared a bed last night. He came to bed after I slept. I woke a few times and felt that wave. Now about to do some work for a while. I have new head phones to try that will make a bit of a barrier. I wish I could get angry rather than simply broken hearted (a trite phrase but so apt). I will feel then I think. I feel very weak right now, not least because yesterday he told me how pathetic I am. I think I need some anger to be able to dismiss his attitude. Does that make sense? I have been worrying about the practicalities too. My salary will not pay the mortgafe here although we have down sized to the smallest possible. I will have a ,lifetime of renting, which is not actually a big deal to me, I think I should stay here for the mo for the children. However I hate this house and will not have any money spare to sort it out.

Very very bleak. Sorry this is a brain dump.

[AgathaF]

Is it unusual for him to come into your bed? I assumed it was always one or other of you on the sofa, and wonder, if that's the case, why did he suddenly get into bed with you? It's really not on when he knows what the current situation is.

I'm sure it is normal to have good days and bad days. The problem at the moment is this limbo you are in. When he has properly moved out, you will be able to get on with your life, rather than waiting for things to happen.

[fuckitybollocks]

It is only the last week that we have been sleeping apart bee have always slept together and had a pretty good sex life. I am managing to make my brain do some work today so that is good. He is out at the moment so I do not feel as awkward. This morning he was perfectly civil and nice starting conversations and even touching me affections pity in the kitchen as though he had forgotten. I find that hard.

[MadBusLady]

Can you see that as your cue to get angry again? This is a guy who called you "pathetic" yesterday (nasty thing to say under any circumstances) and now he's touching you affectionately? Is that really down to his memory problem, or is just long-term memory that's affected? Because it really sounds like he's trying to mess with your head.

When he touches you, how do you respond? Could you try to get into the mindset where an "affectionate touch" from him is as unwelcome as a touch from a colleague or a stranger? You don't have to say anything or make a big deal out of it, just look a bit disgusted and flinch away.

[fuckitybollocks]

I totally ignored the touch and him

He is now fed up that he is not coming out tonight.

[AnyFucker]

....and ?

[fuckitybollocks]

And nothing. I am not sure I can face it, I certainly can't face it with him there. I can't face another evening here with him either. It hurts so much. He went and had a cup of tea with my mum earlier, he had to get some stuff from her loft. I think he honestly does not tea,use what he is doing. Our lives have been so intertwined for so long there will be so much to give up.

The people I am seeing this evening are my friends although obviously he knows them.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, nothing

How he feels isn't the priority here

You should go out, and do it without him

I can see you will probably back out though, and spend another miserable evening seething inside while he acts like Mr Cheerful

[fuckitybollocks]

I have told the friend whose birthday it is that I am coming, I have just received a text saying I will be picked up at 7.30. The only decision is whether to stay at friends overnight. Am waiting to find out about sport commitments tomorrow.

He does act like mr cheerful at points , I really don't knw how he feels. He has just been in to see if I am ok? What the fuck do I say to that. I said 'fine'. What else can I say?

Family roast tomorrow with my mum that will be hard.

[AgathaF]

Does he have to be there for the roast tomorrow? These weeks waiting for the GCSEs to be over are for you both to untangle your lives from each others. That needs to start straight away. I realise that your DC will be eating with you tomorrow, and you want to maintain appearances for their sake, but couldn't he or you make an excuse for him not to be there.

He needs to stay out of your bed too. Does he realise that?

[badinage]

You're not going to end this relationship are you?

[fuckitybollocks]

I am. I am working very hard at making sure the dc don't see me sad, and perhaps more importantly that I do not give husband any excuse for comforting or patronising me.

I feel like I am defending myself here as well as at home. I hoped there might be some women who understood about trying to make this ok for the xx, in particular the one with Exams and would reinforce my attempts to be separate my life from my husband. Getting ready to go out is proving hard. I can't remember ever going out with these people of n evening without him. To say I feel rejected and vulnerable is an understatement. It really does not help when virtual strangers treat me with contempt and as though I am utterly spineless and useless

[badinage]

You've had support in spades. Some people support your decision to stay till the exams are over and some don't.

I don't, mainly because I think you'll find another benchmark when the time comes and also because I don't think it's a good environment for a student to live in when his father calls his mum 'pathetic' and there is that level of disrespect and sheer contempt.

But even those who support your decision are suggesting you erect some boundaries. Get legal advice so that once June comes, you're ready to go and start the divorce proceedings, sleeping separately, stopping affection and any dialogue about your relationship, coming to an adult agreement that the relationship is over and that for the next 8 weeks or so, you'll be civil co-parents and housemates and nothing else.

Unless I've missed something or you haven't posted about it, all you've said to your husband is that you want him to move out, then you failed to follow it up. You left it to your very dubious friend to tell him the relationship was over.

If you're serious about this, tell your husband the relationship is over and that you will divorce and live separately once the exams are over. Agree some boundaries and ways of co-existing and co-parenting over the next couple of months. Go to a solicitor and get the ball rolling on the divorce.

If you're not serious about it, well you won't do any of those things.

[fuckitybollocks]

You are so wrong. You have missed, or I have not said, so much.

I had a boyfriend before my husband who said I would fail my driving test. I didn't. He said he only aid that to get me to pass he thought by saying the negative he would ensure I did the positive our of bloody mindedness or something. He wa wrong. He made it harder nor simpler.

[badinage]

I'm not using any kidology on you, I assure you!

Where am I wrong then?

You said you were going to have a conversation about boundaries yesterday. Did that happen then? I was assuming it hadn't, otherwise sharing a bed and hugging wouldn't be happening.

Have you told him you're divorcing him?

[fuckitybollocks]

There was no hugging.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I for one wouldn't want to pick exam time to drop a bombshell but badinage has a point don't use this as a delaying tactic in the hope H will become Prince Charming.

Is your heart really in this notion of separation and divorce? Only on Tuesday we read of an unhappy woman, 5 years on from her H's affair; sex with her H is soul destroying and the only time he says he loves her is when a 'crisis' (ie when she tells him she can't bear this shell of a marriage any more) looms. Are you resolved to stop this awful purgatory?

Hope H respects your wish to keep home a calm place for DS who is revising. Don't let him use that to manipulate you to show any co-operation you're uncomfortable with.

Your DCs are teens on the cusp of adulthood. If their parents declare a split they may already even suspect all's not well. They will fly the nest soon and very naturally will pursue their own lives. Parenting them can be done when no longer husband and wife. Some upheaval, the end of an era but marking a new chapter.

It will be easier all round if you start to distance yourself even feign absorption in a new hobby - a language? - just to make space between you and H. Calling you pathetic, what a smooth talker. Boundaries, state and keep to them.

Easier to act normal in someone else's house (providing there's no history between them and H - now is the time to call on trusted allies). Go for Sunday roast and enlist your parents' help to make demands on your spare time somehow, in reality occupy time by getting legal advice and so forth.

[badinage]

The kids knew about the affair 5 years ago so I doubt we're talking 'bombshells'.

FWIW having lived through more examination periods with kids than I've had hot dinners, I think the ideal is no huge shocks or lifechangers and a calm and happy home. But I'm reminded so often by teens at work that adults consistently underestimate their perceptiveness and intuition - and their ability to see and hear rather better than middle-aged eyes and ears think they can.

If the OP was saying that she'd sat down with her husband and agreed a protocol going forward to deal with the next 8 weeks, while outlining very clear expectations of what will happen once the exams are over, then it might be the least worst solution for a stressed student. Especially if there were very firm boundaries in place (physical and behavioural) and a firm plan being put together about dissolving the marriage and arranging separate residences by the end of June.

But there's none of that apparent here.

[AgathaF]

fb hope your night out last night was ok. FWIW I completely support your desire to wait until after the GCSEs are done. I can see that you are putting some boundaries in place too and making some changes to your shared lifestyles. I think though that he, realising that he is on borrowed time with regard to living together, is now piss-taking. That is going to take some firmer boundary setting from you. This situation is only going to last a few more weeks though (8, 10?) so hopefully, if he sees you making these changes and putting things in order (solicitors, paperwork etc) then he will realise you are serious and start making his own arrangements to leave at the right time.

These next few weeks are going to be the worst time for you, but once you are there things should start to get better and your life will move on properly.

[fuckitybollocks]

Night out was good, I did miss him at points but it was ok. I am off back home shortly knowing he will be out with footy stuff.

Bad, I can't see me stating that I would discuss boundaries. Neither have I said that we have not discussed divorce. We have. We have started to talk about how finances will work but not much. Thus far it has mainly been a case if him assuring me. it will be ok and working out what we can afford in terms of rent etc. . Keeping things as easy as they can be at home is my absolute priority. What I have stated is that I will not go to a solicitor yet. Apart from anything else we need to clarify my complicated pension situation. I have a few, none large, that I may try and put into one pot as current scheme is a good one.

I have used mn for emotional support and somewhere to vent. Practicalities are the least iof my worries right now.

Going out with that group without him last night and not responding to the child related text he sent was a far clearer message than a solicitor.