Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

[fuckitybollocks]

Backtrack perhaps.

He said something earlier which really hit home. He said I pushed him to tell me the truth (ie that he does not love me). It is not even a friendship if there is dishonesty on any level.

After all the things he has said - including today telling me he has sex with me because he wants sex not out of love or even affection - this point about not being honest has really got to me. Partly because I sort of knew it but stupidly hoped otherwise.

He really is not a very nice person now. It is a shame because he was lovely.

You accuse me of backtracking badinage, I think I am moving forward at a heck of a pace. Telling people has helped with this. When I hear myself saying what has been happening it is even more of a slap with a wet fish than writing it.

Time for son to complete exams; another 8 weeks after so long is not much to do if it makes things easier for my son, not just now but his choices next academic year will be limited if he does less well in his Exams than he is capable of. I would like to be able to keep talking here - it has helped telling first people here and then real life friends and I know I am going to have to be really really strong to pull this off. As you say Badinage, he needs to take me seriously. On the other hand though, what does it matter what he thinks? I know that this is the end.

[MadBusLady]

I did wonder if that might happen, the wet-fish-slap effect when you told friends.

It IS a shame (for him, really) that he's not a nice person now. But on another level it makes it easier for you to see how he is not on your side here? I can't imagine how difficult it must be after 30 years of him being naturally on your side to adjust to this, but that's what's happened.

[badinage]

I've just posted on another thread about this myth that having two resident parents on the precipice of divorce being A Good Thing for children who are studying for GCSEs. It is not. Kids need calm and peace, not tension between their adult carers.

Even if you believe this myth, you can still get the divorce in motion while he's living under your roof whereas if you delay there's a real risk you'll wait for the results to come out, then the start of sixth form or college, then university if he goes.........

I think you're still lying to yourself that the last 5 years has been a better environment for your kids than if you'd parted when the OW dumped him. And because of that, you still think your son will have an easier life living in this atmosphere than he would if he had a few weeks to deal with what they've both been expecting for years and possibly secretly hoping for.

If on the other hand you think you'll go to pieces if your husband moves out and you have to finally face giving up on this, then unless your husband takes up the reins of parental support (unlikely by the sounds of things) I'd understand your decision to let him stay put until June. You'd be doing this for your own sake as well as your son's. But that doesn't mean you can't get the divorce in motion and stop losing this momentum.

[fuckitybollocks]

I am not lying to myself. I know that the children have had a better life over the past five years. If nothing else I have modelled love forgiveness etc. I am not certain I can keep things stable enough for next eight weeks but i am going to give it a damn good try. Then I will model independence and self respect.

Thanks for the tea madbus, fancy a glass of wine with me later?

[badinage]

I'd be interested to hear your kids' version of events about their lives over the past few years. I work with teenagers and I've yet to meet one in your kids' situation who isn't angry and resentful about their parents staying together long after one or both parents had checked out of the relationship. Modelling love and forgiveness is only worthwhile if the other parent is sorry for his actions and works hard to repair the relationship. I think instead you've both modelled something far more damaging about relationships.

[AgathaF]

I think you are right to wait until your son's GCSEs are finished. And I also think you are moving forward at a pace, but not too quickly. In not very long at all you have moved from your OP to now saying that divorce is going to happen, he is going to move out, and to telling some friends. All positive steps for you.

The challenge will be to keep momentum going, if he tries to persuade you otherwise, or if it drags and you get cold feet.

Positive, practical plans should help. I know you say the divorce is irrelevant, but it is a signal to him and to others that your relationship is officially finished as far as being husband and wife are concerned. So for that reason, I think you should speak to a solicitor soon. You don't have to officially do anything until your son's exams are over, he doesn't need to move out until then, and your children don't need to be told until then, but it is improtant that you get things officially in place to keep that momentum going.

You will start to heal when things are in place, and when he moves out. You will start to regain yourself.

[fuckitybollocks]

Madbus, he has not been on my side for five years. It is not sudden. I am just very slow on the uptake!

That was sudden though and very hard to understand. We had the most amazing trip in a lifetime family holiday. He was most definitely in love with me then. I then had surgery and was wheelchair bound for a few months. He was loving and caring and sex was good! Then just as I was able to walk for more than a few mins he was off telling some kid that he had not loved me for ages. The kid was attractive and ready to pay for a hotel for them to use!

I mentioned he has memory difficulties. He does not even remember his re of being born although he was there each time. He does not remember meeting me fr the first time, he does not remember his father's funeral. He certainly does not remember being besotted with me.

Can you see why I thought it was worth hanging in? He was (is) frightened of growing old, the young slapper made him feel young. His e memory loss is scary and as regards biographical stuff almost complete. I felt that I should care for him. Fill in the memory gaps. I even (ha) understood that it might be hard to love this middle aged woman with Heath issues when he did not remember her being young and pretty. He asked me a few days ago if I loved him or whether it was just that I remembered our lives together.

All very confusing. He has been depressed too (understandably), but being depressed or whatever is no excuse for being cruel or lying.

[fuckitybollocks]

Badinage. You cannot possibly know this. You sound as though you think I am stupid just because I have a different perspective than you.

Agatha that is a good point about divorce. However first job is to ensure security for children. I think I will go full time. Only 30 hours per week at the moment. I know my boss would be delighted to increase my hours. That will add a significant amount of cash. I also have a book in the throes of being published (boring non fiction - about teenagers in fact!). I need it get on with the final draft and see what else I can do to build on that.

We only moved into this house a couple of months ago, was supposed to be a really positive thing for us as a couple as we downsized. I need to think carefully about how to make it as I want it. Ad perhaps get some things done sooner rather than later! New carpets while there are two incomes might be nice...

Don't worry I will not lose house, the capital in it is pretty much all mine and I know my husband will not want to touch that.

Tonight I have a friend, the one I walked with coming round for pizza. Tomorrow another girlfriend is driving down to buy me a curry. Saturday I have a night out to celebrate a friend's birthday. I am quite determined to make it absolutely clear that I no longer need someone who does not love me in y life. I have friends and family and can see a way of being financially independent although I am a little concerned abut managing mortgage and all bills I will manage somehow.

Yes, I think things are moving on at a pace Agatha. I don't have to prove anything to anyone except myself and I will do that.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Have a look at this link for info link

[badinage]

No I don't think you are stupid.

I simply don't think you're being honest with yourself.

And why are you calling another woman a 'slapper'?

[AgathaF]

You sound like you have some really good things going on in your life, as well as this horible situation you are currently in. I'm so pleased for you about that - and soon to be published too! A significant achievement . It's good too that you have rl support.

I'm sure all of those things will give you strength and distraction from the shittiness in the months to come.

You and your children will be fine.

[AgathaF]

badinage - I'm sure lots of us would call an OW a slapper, and probably much worse too. It's hurt and anger talking. That can't be a surprise to you, surely?

[badinage]

'Slapper' refers to a woman's sexual morals and it's gendered. I can completely understand hating the OW for the hurt she has helped cause, but no I don't think it's ever excusable to expect her to have higher sexual morals than a man, or to use such woman-hating terms. As for hurt and anger towards her, she hasn't been on the scene for 5 years and her involvement really isn't the problem here.....it is and has always been the OP's husband who's the problem - and the OP's inability to see it.

[fuckitybollocks]

Thanks mad. I saw that linked from another thread and agree, it is very useful.

Thank you Agatha, the publishing will not result in any significant amount of pennies, but it will be kudos and complete something I started just before that affair. It would feel good, like a sort of oh I can't think of he words.

Slapper is the politest term for the woman who assured me she would make sure my children would still see their father, who had designs on moving into the house we built, who told me my husband would only have sex with someone he loved, that her husband was broken hearted so she understood how i felt and a whole load more. Yes I am well aware of the misogyny behind the word slapper, hence it fits this as being extreme enough! Typewritten words take on a life of their own, quite different from vocal. What noun would you use? She does not deserve to be called woman, even if self evidently that is true! Calling her a cow is insulting to bovines.

[AgathaF]

badinage - I really don't think this thread is the right place to debate the use of the OPs chosen word to describe the OW.

[fuckitybollocks]

Cross post! A gendered insult implying nefarious behaviour is fitting.

Why do you think I do not see husband's behaviour as a problem? It feels as though you have a desire to insult me? Some of your statements about me are simply not true.

[AnyFucker]

Badinage, you are giving the op a rough time here

[badinage]

I wouldn't use any noun at all because she's irrelevant.

But you're far more scathing about her than you are about your husband, despite the cruelties he's subjected you to for years and still keep coming even today. It's not the OW who's allowed him to keep on hurting you. He is responsible for doing it and you are responsible for enabling it.

I really hope you mean what you say about bringing this relationship to an end, but your quite visceral reaction to the suggestion of instigating a divorce and your speedily retracted request for him to move out makes me sceptical. Have you thought what you will do if he decides to move out anyway?

[fuckitybollocks]

Yes I have, and I think that is a real possibility. But I will try and keep things as err smooth as I can. I have spent years thinking about this but some of the things said over the last day or two have been like 'aha' moments. I knew he lied, but am seeing him as a liar fir almost the first time. I am not expecting that to make sense. It does not really make sense to me. It is like death by a thousand cuts I suppose.

I know I will wobble, I hope I will be tough enough now to accept a little wobble and keep on. I think I will. Why do you see the paperwork. as so important Agatha made a really good point that I had not considered but you seem so pushy about it? It really is just paperwork. I think me and the children and how we are is far more important, telling people who love me is more significant than a solicitor.

[MadBusLady]

OP, given the emotional rollercoaster you've been on since you started the thread, I think you're probably going to arrive at the position of divorce being vital pretty soon anyway - certainly "soon" in the context of five years. So I sort of agree with Badinage but I don't think there's any need for labouring the point like this.

I'm divided on the GCSE/timing thing. It's true I doubt the current environment has been relaxed or conducive to study for the DC over the last few years. But the time for that discussion was 2/3 years back before your DS had started his GCSE courses. There's not much that can be salvaged over the next 8 weeks, so maybe AgathaF is right and the best course is not to deliberately bring on a crisis (though you can't stop him bringing it on, I suppose).

[MadBusLady]

I knew he lied, but am seeing him as a liar fir almost the first time. I am not expecting that to make sense.

No, I think that will make sense to everyone who's (eventually) dumped a wrong'un! You know the verb applies, but somehow have trouble with the noun.

Anyway, time for

[fuckitybollocks]

No the atmosphere has not been the best. And my lovely lad has had other challenges too. I will do the best I can though.

And blimey, I was not thinking in terms if years until we divorce! Just not my priority right now.

Priorities are, dc and stopping myself being sucked in.

[fuckitybollocks]

I am finding this hard. I don't think I can do it. I don't know what to do. I am so useless, I am scared this house is not big enough. What if the children can hear me. Trying to be silent. Being dead would be so much easier. The friend who cane round tonight, who husband drove home is one who snogged him a few years ago. He came back and said, so you have told * then. I don't know what was said. None of my business I guess. He is downstairs. Children in bed near me. I am alone here. I need strength.

[AnyFucker]

You don't need to "do" anything tonight.

You don't need to be "strong" tonight.

Try to get some sleep, or at least some semblance of lying still for a few hours to give your limbs a rest.

Tomorrow is another day and your children need you.

if you need someone to talk to in the small hours, give these wonderful people a ring

[springyhappychick]

Reading your op and your last posts made me feel physically sick. What on earth has happened to you that you will accept this appalling hell - for FIVE YEARS.

there is NO HOPE. As was mentioned, you save your contempt for the slapper woman who, supposedly, lured him away; yet barely any contempt for the one who deserves it. It was his dick that did it.

he is being unbelievably cruel/selfish/self-absorbed. You - and your house - are a cushy number. He has been busy feeling sorry for himself that the flighty young thing chucked him - that is all. he doesn't feel sorry for you, despite what he says.

I really would leave it until after gcse's - upheaval like that would be too much. It will be hard for you but there really is only one way to go, and that is out.

I am trying to absorb that you had 25 good years together but, even then, I still can't see why you would tolerate the living hell you have for five years. I really can't.