Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Loving the new name ideas .

FuckityFabulous?

FuckityWontTolerateAnyMoreBollocks.

Struggling this eve. Have worked out pennies for next month and is v scary. More importantly I miss him. I think about him all the time. I know he was crap, but love him. Why???

This all makes no sense. It is a physical ache. Cjel, I cried driving home, sobbed in fact. Still pleased I did not ruin son's evening but still cross with self.

My niece wants to see him, see where he is. I will halo that halogen but u do not even know address let alone where he and my boys sleep. How do I turn this off?

I haven't been married nearly as long but having big problems. Am asking myself same question - why love someone who has behaved so badly? My counsellor says it's simply a reflection of the very deep genuine bond you once had - takes time to unravel. It works for me.

Indeed. Bonds are hard to break, and if you're nice person it's even harder to break them.

Was just thinking this myself. You hit the nail on the head horse, this is why we are good people, with capacity to bond so well it nearly kills us to prise it apart. The hard thing is to try and feel less for the person that didn't value this bond. Yes absolutely 'why love someone who has behaved so badly'? It's a sodding mystery. A fiver for someone with the answer. A tenner for the cure.

I'm feeling very bad for you fuckitybollocks because I'm in the same place. Here's to better days, it's got to happen x

Here's to better days x

OK, it starts when we meet someone and fall in love. We create bonds and form a relationship. At that point we love the person, the relationship and the future that we imagine developing.
The love of the person deepens as the relationship moves into the future. But sometimes the person isn't who we thought they were, or they change. Or aspects of them that we perceived to be qualities turn out to be faults.
We end up still loving what was there at the start even though it's nothing like what exists now.
Meanwhile we've distorted ourselves in order to fill that future which they have left full of holes.
We think the love we feel is for the person because they are the only physical manifestation we have to pin it on.
It's the same feeling people have when they are physically hit; they think if they love hard enough they can make it all as it should be.

It's hard habit to break after so many years.

Over simplified of course, but that's what I think.

Halo that halogen??????

Even I cannot decode that. Niece wants to see him and his new place. That is the important part. That was a bit hard to deal with.

Today need to take son to get iPad seen and then, maybe sort some work stuff. Tomorrow will be the day of the paint brush again I think.

I have not had a period for nearly six months now, I thought perhaps I had gone straight for menopause but I feel very pre menstrual today. Perhaps that is the reason for some of my doom nd gloom? I hope so, if period arrives everything will feel better if that is the case.

Feckit and absolutely. I am so sorry you feel like this. I would not wish this on anyone. Ever.

So a reflection or a manifestation based upon memories and habit. Not sure. Perhaps both? I am surprised at the physical ache I did not think that would be there this time.

I miss him, the physical presence to hug, I miss having someone who knows who I work with and asks about them at the end of the day, I miss having someone to share small triumphs with, I miss the security of knowing if I need money for the vets or shower we have two incomes and brains to draw upon. I miss having someone who gets why I worry about my son because he does too. I miss nattering over a cup of tea long before anyone else stirs. I miss thinking about his day has gone and reminding him to phone his mum. I don't know if he is taking his drugs and worry about that. I am also worried that he will forget something that will have an impact, his work stuff for example, without me reminding or filling in the gaps.

I don't miss mess in the bathroom, the extra smelly sports clothes. I certainly like having a reduction in men's shoes in the house! I don't miss feeling criticised, last night I destroyed a box of chocs given by someone at work and I would have felt watched. I do not miss wondering whether I look good enough. It does not matter now.

Back to how I feel, is it love or a reflection. Is is habit. I don't know. Seeing him Thursday produced a very visceral reaction. Whatever it is it feels very real. It does not feel possible to switch it off. It just is. It feels so much I wonder what will be left of me if it goes?

Feckit and absolutely, where are you now in this shithole?

FB It absoutely gets less painful, although seeing them does start it up as fresh as new to start with. yy to missing the hugs, when I started college 3 days after I left I actually txt him to come round and give me a hug before I went!! he did and it felt good but when he'd gone I felt really stupid!!
I don't think I will ever stop loving him, I love him still with a passion but somehow I am really happy and have no need to see him, sometimes if i'm thinking about him (rarer these days and not every day!!), I just find myself smiling and feeling butterflies for him but there doesn't seem to be the sadness and pain. I don't know when the change came it was gradual, but it was not as soon as you are and I was in counselling which I think helped me going the right way and recognise wobbly times for what they were.

Maybe it's normal to distort yourselves bewitched, when you become a couple - because you have to become a different person somehow. Just like now, separating, we're having to become someone different again - maybe like our old selves? The more worn down you are though (domestic violence, affairs etc) the harder it is.

The physical ache is a tough one fuckity, you wouldn't want to replace it with some 'other', not yet anyway - but in the meantime it's pinetime. I'm roughly the same place as you fuckity in terms of practical stuff, and emotional stuff by the sound of it. Miss him so much, even though he's a shit. The everyday missing has taken me by surprise - and it's exactly the sort of thing you talk about, the chats, that internal dialogue and catch up through the day. It is a habit in some ways, but after this many decades that's normal. Just because it's habit doesn't mean there wasn't more behind the attachment than just history. Just hope over time the habit breaks, the attachment fades - and there will be you at the end of it, a stronger you. Hope you have a good weekend x

He moved out on Saturday. I'm in pieces.

Oh lost I'm sorry to hear that. I'm wondering if the way I did it, moved out rented for 6 months (then made him move out and did up house to sell) was a better way. I had no memories of him in my new place and although i was in bits a lot of the time it was also quite liberating to be in control for the 1st time in 35 years!!

I have three children at home - littlest is only 5 - so it's a bit more complicated. I am in a terrible state right now, she's downstairs watching tv, need to sort myself out and get bs k down there.

It isn't normal and certainly isn't desirable for either partner to distort themselves in order to become a couple.
But if the vision of the future isn't closely mirrored by each of the couple, someone usually compensates.
I'm trying really hard to be gender neutral here in order to avoid being pounced on.
If it becomes apparent that one is more committed than the other, the most committed will distort, compensate, adjust in order for the partnership to appear to fit the vision.

I've been compensating for a year, and devastated as I am, a bit of me is relieved that that period is over.

Hold tight to that feeling of relief lost and encourage it to grow.
I'm very pleased you were only compensating for a year.
Devastated as I'm sure you are, you should think of it as a lucky escape.

Having a bad patch. Texted him kits last night and have just rung him. At work but hiding in my care. Shower is tucked. He will replace but wants to so all the worn ruling etch to save money. He has phrased if I can cope. Well I can't so less money for me for next few months. Less money for boys because I can't cope. He seems fine. I spent all yesterday pairing and sanding he took son number three to see family and out for lunch etc. I keep crying. Boys tired to comfort me last night. How so I why through this bit? What do I do about shower room? Brother in law abroad on work brother back in hk. Have to paint face and go back to desk. Want to go home and see if I can get shower out and chop tiles off. I don't know if he has ordered floor for bathroom so need to finish painting and do white work in case flooring comes. Sin number two says he will help, if dad is there. How can I see him make him cups of tea and then Ay goodbye over a few days?.

Please try not to cry and try not to text him kisses (I think that's what you said, if not sorry!)

Could he only work on the shower while you are at work?

Actually, having thought a bit more, why can't the two older boys help just you and then you wouldn't need H at all?

It really won't help you to have to see H, and surely the boys could have this explained to them.

I asked them. Son no one is working and not keen but will help do tiling etc. asked son number two, not working? To start getting shower tray and tiles out and he just said he did not know what to so and needed dad there. Theoretically I only have one working day left until late August but I could come in more.

Am deeply regretting speaking to (crying to) husband and texting last night. Just so unhappy and scared about m

Money.

It is so unfair. He has a relaxed life in his pristine flat doing whatever he likes and I have the chaos of home to manage. I am so tired.

I miss his hugs and I miss his back up. There is a big hole and I hurt. This is shit. I know divorcing is absolutely the right thing to do, at least my head does. But exactly as he predicted I just can't cope. I just don't know what to do about anything.

It is too hot too! 35 degrees in the office!!!

sounds so hard for you. This isn't easy and you are right its not fair. I promise that if you hang in there you will come out the other side and it really does get better.

The boys - well 2 grown lads strapping or not plus younger brother -I presume use the shower not just you so I wouldn't feel any awkwardness about asking them to help. Nor would I be embarrassed to ask their dad for practical or financial help with it. Btw Mumsnet Local might offer a recommendation for a plumber and tiler in your area? Different name than your usual moniker on that board so your anonymity is protected...

It is bad luck it conked out when it did but don't take it as an omen. All the reasons you give for missing H make him sound like a favourite uncle or brother not a loving husband.

When other family members show interest (or curiosity) and concern for him, I hope you receive the same degree of compassion.