Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

This is it now. Am having a bath and off to work. Hope to be able to pack bag so can make lunchtime visit a short one. He slept in our bed last night, no sex and is still there now. I will never sleep in that bed again. Lots of last things. My heart hurts. My head too but the wine last night contributed to that.

I hope today and this weekend go as well as they can for you. This is the wrenching part, but very, very soon to come now is the healing and growing and building part.

New beginnings and a happier life.

That pain is awful isn't it. hope lunchtime goes well . this could be the hardest part, when hes gone its done. lots of lasts but lts of new lovely 1sts as well. wishing you peace and laughter today

Ok. Just leaving work to go and get bags and dog. This will be the tricky part I think. Deep breath and get it done. Then just four hours of motorway to do. Nearly through it.

you can do this... hand holding for the next few hours

Here too fuckity ((hand hold)).

So very nearly there. Hope the trip home was ok. Hope you're well on your way to your friends now.

hope you were ok at home lunchtime and drive has been ok.

Am ok. Not great but ok. Ta everyone. I succumbed to sending a text. Got a very wishy washy reply. Will not do that again but as boys around this morning and again this afternoon I could not say goodbye and wish him happiness and I wanted to. Done now.

Tomorrow is a new day and all that crap.

I used to always 'just' text him something but got into the habit of writing it and then waiting till the morning or evening and see if i needed to send it after several hours!!!

Not having contact, not having him to talk to is going to e really hard. He has been there all my adult life. Sometimes shitty sometimes lovely but always there. He knows all my friends, he knows all my family, even the friends and family that no one will ever meet now because they are dead. He knew my dad.

All this history will be hard to let go of I think. Am at my friends, she feels sorry for him. Can't decide if that helps or not.

You're friends feels sorry for him? Why? He's bought it all on himself. I hope she feels more sorry for you for having to cope with all his shit over the last five years.

I hope you're ok today.

I hope she feels sorry for him for all hes thrown away and not because she thinks you are being unfair? Try not to think of what others think good or bad, I had one'friend' who i used to see 3 or 4 times a week and feed then as well and she is best mates with dh and OW now!! its not always easy when i see her especially as she was the one i chose to spend hours crying to at the begining
Ihadto focus on the people who were there for me and could see the truth. Most of the people i now mix with he doesn't even know and thats much easier for me.
We were together since we were mates sitting next to each other at school (over 35 yrs) and it is hard,hard,had. I txt him this week cos a class mate died suddenly. But I still say I am sad for a myth that I didn't have by the last few years,
I had times when i was hurt by people i thought were close to me but many more who amazed me with their support. hugsxx

She feels sorry for him that's rich.

She is allowed to feel what she likes of course.
She does know about his affair and how he chose to detach for 5 years after?
Unfortunately sometimes supporters go to great lengths not to be seen as partisan.

cjel it must have stung seeing that fairweather friend drop you in favour of ex and OW.

donkey yes it really did. fortunatley i was warned early on and stopped confiding in her!! I still have to spend time with her but feel ok as i only talk about the stuff we have to do together.

I don't know if that's a weird power trip for her cjel or was she thinking, your ex and OW were less in need of support? Being civilised following collapse of a marriage is highly prized. (Being civilised is easy for the ones making up rules as they go along).
I do wonder if it as much for onlookers' benefit as for the participants' sakes. Saves the bother of taking sides and alleviates the strain of being a good egg supporting the unhappy couple.

Fuckity this thread is still your space. Good luck, still checking your progress.

Had a good ish day followed by a not great evening. Dreading going home, seeing the gaps where furniture was, seeing the gap where he was, being chirpy fir boys. If they are there. They may if course choose to be at their day's tomorrow. Who knows. I still can't really believe thisus it, that he will have gone. I am scared of so much now, money worries being top of the list. No not top. The husband size gap is at the top. I simply cannot picture how life will be next week let alone next year. I don't know who is doing what or where they will be.

I feel such a failure. I tried to be good enough and wasn't. I feel sorry for him too. Why should he have to stay with someone who does not make him happy. No reason in the world. He now has the hope that he will get something better. I don't. I know I won't have another partner. How could I? And who would?

If I did not smoke, was slimmer, more interesting and good to be with I would not be where I am now. But I was this when he married me, oh but slimmer. Fuck this is hard. So dreading tomorrow. This is going to be a shit week. I wonder if there will be n element of peace? Not convinced.

fb Sounds like you and your husband separating has been a terrible wrench, and not over yet. But now he's gone, maybe you'll find some strength - because your strength must've been sapped daily trying to deal with day to day stuff, anxiety about the marriage breaking down AND having him there - and all those confusing messages - hugs and affection happening still making you vulnerable. So difficult to move on in any meaningful way with all that going on.

I'm in a similar position, and am finding it really difficult. I'm sure the 'business-like' relationship is the way forward, so no mixed messages, but that's hard too. There is a consensus out there amongst all these fine MN posters, that it will get better, so trust that will happen.

What prompted me to post though, was you doing yourself down so very badly - saying you weren't good enough, you didn't make him happy, you're a failure, should be slimmer, more interesting. etc. But was it not his roving eye that started the affair? I think if someone's inclined to stray, then that's about them - not you.

Anyway, hope your week isn't as shit as you think - and hope you find a bit of peace here and there. Much admiration for getting published too.

Feckit, thanks for taking the time to add that last sentence, I had forgotten that. Not really but I have lost sight of anything good. Guess time to start some serious positive thinking!

So may habits, I went to a summer fare at my friend's daughter's school yesterday. I picked up and bought a book he will like! I'd did an ocado for delivery today and had to remove all the stuff for him from the trolley

Incidentally I also removed my wine...here is to a sober week. I have not don't one of those in way too long.

Where are you in this feckit, how are you doing?

Cjel,n that friends thing must have hurt, I bet having cried to her mad it worse. I wonder if my friend helped him with moving over weekend?

fb I have been lurking up till now but wanted to say I think you are doing really well. You need to stop beating yourself up about how you have failed because this isn't about you, it's about him. You could have been younger, thinner and wrinkle free and he would have found something else to justify his actions. Because that is exactly what he is doing, justifying his actions, to make himself feel better about doing what he is doing.

If you had been Angelina Jolie he would still have found something to complain about because he wanted, even needed, to. He probably believes everything he says about you but that doesn't mean that it's true. My ex made up all sorts of crap about me, all with about 5% truth in them, enough to make me doubt myself. Don't make the same mistake as me. His version of your relationship is exactly that, his twist on the truth.

A poster upthread (sorry didn't catch the name) hit the nail on the head when they said that he doesn't want to go he just wants you to accept that he doesn't love you, wont emotionally support you, will use you for sex, cooking, cleaning etc when it suits him. He never wanted to live on his own.

Keep strong and keep going, you are doing so well.

witch is right - it's about justifying their actions (weaknesses) not about you. People will always rewrite history to suit.

fb I've done this 'shopping' for him too, and who knows how long it will take before we stop caring about them (seeing things they would like). Where I am is struggling (started a thread a few weeks ago on the battle) emotionally wrecked really which is the worst place to be when you're trying to be strong and resist a stupid reconciliation. I've stuck it out this long and can't understand why I'm not getting better/stronger/more determined! But 30 years is a long time to share a life with someone (who you still love...damn and blast) so I'm just trying to ride it out. He doesn't deserve my buckets of tears.

I hope that things will improve for you now your ex has a home. So much is entwined in the family home, and with him there and temptation for hugs and so on - it must have been really difficult. Not that it won't be difficult now, but hopefully there will be healing and progress. Here's to that x

Hi FB, came to France on Friday, only just got online but have been thinking of you.
As the others have said, this is not your failure it's his. Things will be difficult for you but it was difficult living with him too and to flip your words round, why should you live with someone who makes you so miserable?
Really concentrate on your successes, an alchohol free week will be one of those!
Good luck with returning home. Can you move stuff around so it looks different? It might be less nostalgic and would give you a focus other than missing him.

Robbing a song lyric Fuckity may I venture, disappointment need not haunt all your dreams, you are able to look back on some happy times and you have your wonderful sons - really, don't feel it was all tainted or worth nothing.

So you put on some extra pounds over 30 years and have the occasional cigarette. Lots of spouses remain faithful to partners with weight issues or habits that aren't mutual pleasures. The grand amour and cutting remarks contrasting your and her attractions, not designed to boost your confidence and the kind of thing a selfish individual chucks as a parting shot. Not what any decent person rubs into their wife's face after she takes him back.

Let's not forget he didn't give her up for you, she finished things with him. The last five years he hardly stirred himself to show interest or affection and a little part of you died each year. Please let yourself feel the sun on you and start unfurling your leaves again.

I hope you start to listen to people who tell you the truth about yourself, all your positive things. I have some clothes that i bought in the last year or so we were together when i was starting to trust my own opinion and even though he said they didn't suit me i kept. Every time i wear one of them i get a compliment, it happened yesterday with a skirt thats what reminded me.
Also heard a saying from a St catherine yesterday along the lines of ' when you start to live as the person you were made to be you can set the world ablaze!!!!

What he said about you wasn't kind as as far as i can tell not relevant to your value as a person, If you are an overweight smoker how does that impact on your value to the world? it doesn't he was just saying things to hurt you.

And don't forget that, whenever you have a conversation with him, only one of you is being really honest. He needed to forget he ever loved you to make it reasonable for him to have an affair and treat you this way. He needs to feel that he isn't at fault, which is why, after dropping his bombshell, that he started to say it could be fixed. So that you were the one to make the decisions. He can tell himself that its your fault that the split happened, he was willing to keep trying.

Of course he is ignoring any facts which don't suit his version of the truth. He has been cold and calculating and perfectly willing to trample all over your feelings.

Don't try and work out why he says one thing and then contradicts himself, he is saying whatever suits himself at the time. Just remember that you have done your best for your family, unlike him.