Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

I was walking to pub with girlfriend. He drove past and waved. I really want him here. How can a glimpse proved such a huge physical response. Heart in mouth, who believed that was even possible? I would let him stay here tomorrow and after f he would even ask.

You know how if you damage a bit of your lawn (bonfire or something), there is a hole in the grass filled with nothing (mud), but after a while the edges start to grow in and suddenly the hole is no longer there. It is filled in with lush, green grass. I reckon that is what it must be like for you at the moment fb. In time though, the edges of your life with change and the hole where he was will be filled with lovely life again.

Remember how lonely you were living with him? How unhappy? These last few weeks have been horrible for you, but they have been busy and stressful, which means that the gap he left will seem bigger than if he had just have gone quietly back at the beginning. It will feel like you have nothing to aim for, no date, no purpose, but you do. Your purpose now is letting that hole fill, finding new and interesting stuff, growing emotionally yourself now that he is not sapping your positive thoughts of yourself.

You will get there.

Oh Agatha I hope so. This morning the shower stopped working. It is elderly, 2005 I think. I cannot replace it and there is no telling if we need to re plumb for a new one. Four people use it each day. The overhead one by the bath does not have enough pressure for even a rinse. I will have to ask him to sort this.

Loads to do today. Legs, hair clear up and clean so when he comes in tomorrow it looks as though I am on top of things. Sme errands to run too. Feeling very flat. That is better than feeling so distressed though.

You might be able to get a replacement like-for-like shower off ebay. We had an old model and wanted to replace with the same so that the pipes, screws etc lined up, and got one off ebay.

Could your BIL help with that sort of thing? Or a friend? Might be better than you feeling that you need to call him for stuff like that and feeling like he is 'saving you'.

I really would resist asking him about the shower, fuckity, until I'd exhausted other possibilities.

I'm not sure if you have mingled feelings or purely very definite miss-him-and-it-feels-unreal feelings. No-one can deny you your reaction to a huge life change, but if this has been on the horizon for so long and now it's finally happened, it must take time to adjust. Especially if you have reached a point before, then drawn back because it all looked alien and frightening.

It took guts to get to this stage and you probably still wish he had pulled something out of the bag, a sudden declaration, a vow to get things back on track between you, how gladly you would have reacted! But he didn't.

You may even envy the boys' freedom to visit him as they please.

Now you miss him and when you see him it isn't any less poignant than when you shared a house and he blanked you or gave a modicum of attention.
he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children
Hardly a love song, was it.

We can't make people love us. We can expend only so much energy contriving a partnership when one person is there in body but not in spirit, a passenger.

Something that now feels odd or uncomfortable isn't necessarily wrong.

FB, I'm astounded by some of the things you have said in this thread.

You keep torturing yourself and twisting and turning. You need to make it easier for yourself but cutting out his involvement where at all possible. If you want him out of your life don't ask him to do you favours, don't have an 'open house' arrangement with your children and don't think you can have any influence on his future.

He will find someone else and so will you. Try to wish him well, go to B&Q and get a new shower hose.

And change your user name fuckitybollocks implies that you have just made an accidental mistake. Take ownership of the VERY BIG decision you have made to live an independent life, to extricate yourself from this long and entwined relationship. This is no accident, this is your decision.

If you have to, imagine that he lives in another country and there is no phone or mobile signal.

When you have been with someone for 30 years it's not love as most people know it - he may love you in some ways, you may love him in some ways, that ambiguity may continue forever as you can't cut off something you are so very much a part of. What you do know is that you can't live with him any more because the way you love each other is no longer compatible.

He will always be part of you and you will always be part of him, that is to be expected after 30 years, but you need to forgive yourself that this is not the end of everything and most of all that you have not made a mistake - YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. Stop blaming yourself for this - it's something that happens to many many people.

I would definately not involve him in the shower mending. Use anyone else!!
You will feel empowered when you fix it without him and crap and helpless if you have to contact him. There are loads of us who have managed. Mydh did everything like that we had a real oldfashioned roles, I hardly changed a light bulb. I have had my house renovated on my own and just this week a huge deck removed and raised patio built. You can do this without him - it really isn't hard

Unfortunately it is not just a hose! Have checked eBay, nothing yet. Yes brother in law would fit. The shower is well used and I do not have even £30 to spare to replace even if it is second hand. Neither do I have a credit card to spread cost. It will take a while to build a financial cushion. Hence need to ask husband for assistance. It is his sons who need this.

Twenty mins before telling boys he pleaded for more time, to try again. At that point he would have promised anything. It was me that declined.

The boys are age 14 up. Of course they need to feel it is open house at both ends. We do need to discuss a vague timetable, and things for the summer but always respecting the boys' autonomy.

In that case the only thing you need from dh is the proper financial plan in place so that you do have spare money to keep the home running for dss.

Yes, and that will happen. He is not being mean but it will take a while for saving as there has obviously been enormous expenditure setting up flat etc over past month or two.

Son number two has arranged for us both to attend a thing that he is doing this evening. I was told half an hour ago, it will be in another two hours I could have bloomin well done without this this evening. :(

Time to start painting on a happy face I think,

It's a shame that the event this evening is so soon after the move out date, but you can do it. It's just two hours. Maybe use the time to request that he transfers some money over to you to repair/replace the shower? It might just be the thermostat or something like that ? Google is your friend for DIY though - at least, I have found it bloody useful since I mainly do our DIY.

Try to involve him as little as possible in the running and maintenance of your house though. Good for you to be independent and will make the break easier.

What's the event tonight? Will there be other people/parents there that you can circulate round and talk to to avoid sitting with him too much?

Son number 2 may have not given you much notice so you wouldn't have long to flap or think of an excuse. Hopefully you can enjoy the performance, appreciate DS2's skill and mingle with other proud parents.

Liked horsetowater's idea of a more positive new name for yourself, btw.

Right, my suggestion for your new username - I'veGrownSomeBollocks
Do not get H involved in fixing the shower other than telling him what it will cost, get BIL to work that out. Tell, yes, tell H to borrow money from his mother if necessary. You sort out what you can and get BIL to fit it.
Actually, where are you, I'll come and do it!
And I'll bring a bottle of and put a rocket under you. I mean that really affectionately, I just can't wait for you to get angry with him.

Just realised the short version of your new NN will be I'veGrown so perfect in more ways than one

Hope tonight wasn't too gruelling and DS2 appreciated your support.

Catchy, Bewitched!

Hope happy paint worked and the evening was a success. I didn't mean to suggest dh was being mean financially sorry, just that the shower showed how important being able to make your own financial decisions is.x

Got through event being charming and smily. Bit of a meltdown after but that is ok.

The shower just stopped. Dead. The powe still goes through (light is on). But nothing no water no noise not even a little hum. Think buggered is the technical term

As for independence, as was pointed out to me upthread, that will not be while boys rain dependent. Making my own decisions, I would only ever have asked him for the money! This is going to take a while to resolve as at present it has to remain a family budget stretching as far as possible to cover two homes. In four months time there will be a cash injection that will make it possible for both homes to have. Small cushion. To be fair, if the shower picked up at his at the moment I would help stretch joint funds to cover the cost. I do not think this is a one way street.

I did not ask him for money his evening. He does not even know it is broken. I will have to talk to him about it but not tonight.

Thanks Donk, OP doesn't seem to have picked it up though

Sorry, yes donk. It is catchy. Name change perhaps. The I've grown bollocks theme for not quite hit it. The last thing I want to do is become more 'masculine' in any way. But, I have a sneaking fondness for ' bollocks' as an exclamation.

Need to ponder.

Need to get out to work to make sure I avoid husband coming here. I rearranged bedroom last weekend nd totally re arranged sitting room last night. At least superficially it looks like the gaps he has left are closed. Place is clean and pretty tidy too. I do now want it to look like I am struggling at all.

Not sure if you have a second shower in your house, but if not what about one of these as a stop gap to wash hair etc combined with baths to replace showers here or here or one of these to replace your bath taps easily for proper showers?

Thanks. Good ideas. There is a shower attached to bath taps, and a nice new shower door. But pressure too low for making it work (half an hour to fill the bath). All waiting for the new pump, again not something I will be doing next week!

BUT the shower worked this morning, it is obviously not well but copes with two lads this morning so keep everything crossed it lasts a bit longer.

House looking good. Like the rearrange if furniture in the sitting room. Now to set up some eBay alerts to fill some gaps after pay day.

Was kind of joking about the bollocks name, trying to send a message and raise a smile.

Well done rearranging stuff, good psychology for all concerned, sending the signal that you're in charge.

How about FuckItImFabulous ?

You are lovely, and it did raise a smile!

How about fuckitlifeistooshort ????

Yes! But capitalise please

prefer mine really

Morning FB, glad you held meltdown till you got home - well done, I didn't always make it home - don't know how i saw through the tears to drive sometimes, hope you've managed to get clean somehow this morning!!