Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

You really, really haven't failed at anything. He has failed you.
You should never be made to feel worthless and inadequate.
You will realise all this when you are free of him.

Yes, I bet he's being Mr. Bloody Wonderful this afternoon.
Don't fall for it sweetheart, we're all thinking of you.

Thinking of you fb

How did it go?

Disaster. Including guest of honour (son number one) not appearing home for six as arranged having gone out the evening before. In fact he is still not home although eventually we got a text last night so we know he was alive. Had uncomfortable evening driving round looking for him.

Before all that son number two got v angry and swore at me, really nastily. Basically he did not want to help at all with garden or house stuff.

In between those events husband did a I don't love you having told me in the morning he was miserable about going. He has to go now, totally no choice. But I thought for a while that we would try and see each other and see how it went when he had gone.

So all in all not quite the day planned. Sister came over though and she was good.

Doesn't sound lie a nice day at all, but hopefully it has cemented your belief in him going, so that is a kind of positive. Not long now.

Sorry your day wasn't a good day. But I would say your older boys are acting out because of what is happening at home. But also they behave like this towards you because they know it doesn't matter how bad the behaviour is they know you will still love them.

Yes he does need to go. he doesn't want to because he will have to look after himself re cooking and cleaning. He will also have to interact with your dc by himself.

Ouch. How much of that was "normal" kids vs parents stuff and how much was generated by stress of recent events?

If the latter, don't give them space to think it through or that can backfire if they translate it as everything is topsy turvy and now you don't care about them. Both you and husband need to be patient and accessible.

Ds2 is possibly still at the judgmental stage, everything black and white. How is Ds3? You didn't mention him. Hope you and husband make equal efforts to ask them how they're doing, how they feel. Not epic prolonged discussions necesssrily just 5 minutes while stacking the dishwasher or walking the dog.

Depend on husband to come out with some poorly timed declaration At least it confirms you are doing the right thing.

sorry to hear it was bad, hope you don't add guilt about your boys to make you change your mind? Don't underestimate the impact it s having on them, in one way you can understand ds1 and 2 not wanting to come and put on happy family face either can't you?
Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Oh dear, that all sounds horrible. I feel for the boys, they were maybe dreading the whole event. That doesn't excuse the way they dealt with it though. Keep talking to them and try to get them to articulate what they feel without just translating into bad behaviour.

As for him, well, can't he stay with his mother until Friday? He's screwing with your head and your heart, and prolonging the farce.

chuck him out!

Good evening fuckity hope things are calmer now.

Calmer now, at work. Last night was horrid as we tried to discuss money. I have just sent him an email and suggested we continue discussions via email for now. He has signed for the flat and has keys from Friday so at least that is certain now. My brother is home this weekend and he and my brother in law are coming to fix my new bed on Sunday evening.

Feel very very sad, not least I am sad that this feels like a relief.

Son number three is great. He is treading a vey mature path by being supportive to both of us while acknowledging he is sad. Quite amazing.

Son number two has calmed down for now but I expect more anger from him. I understand that but nonetheless have docked some of his allowance for not helping out. We now have agreed he will get his allowance weekly rather than monthly. Each Sunday we will check what jobs he has done. As he is at home all the time right now I think that is reasonable. I think that not tackling his bad behaviour would only add to insecurity at the moment.

Son number one, I so not junk he was kicking off through being upset, I think he was just in selfish self focused teenage mode. Anyway he just had to listen to me explain who was upset/worried on Sunday and why. I hope he will think twice about not being in contact next time.

I have just telephoned mortgage company and will do a budget for them. I think I am going to ask for a six month move to interest only. This will give a little breathing space for all the extra expenditure two households will incur initially.

Work is quiet ing down. I hope that I will be able to go away for the weekend without taking any with me.

That's the trouble you can't always tell if it's normal teen behaviour or a reaction to a crisis. Not just toddlers that test boundaries!

Btw it wouldn't have been easier putting it off until they were all away from home, it is common for parents to think oh, they'll be grown and off to uni or working away or travelling and they'll handle it better. At any age it's a big adjustment though it is often not the big surprise parents think;children often pick up on undercurrents and see more than we'd expect.

Glad H has the keys now. Remember he may not show it but there'll be a degree of anticipation, now-what-happens-next for him too. Hope you have a work-free weekend.

I'm glad you're feeling some relief, even if that itself brings sadness. You will be grieving for the end of your marriage, even though it really need to end. That is normal and positive. You need to go through the grief cycle - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - in order to move on and heal. So perhaps you are at the depression stage now, and will soon move on to acceptance.

Your sons will have some accepting to do, even though they may know deep down that it is a good thing and the right thing for the two of you. How that shows itself will vary, but they will be fine. Teenagers have such busy lives that at least they will have plenty of other stuff to focus on.

Hopefully you will have a relaxing weekend, and it's great that you have help with your bed.

It's you that has the boys in front of you and I'm sure your judgement is correct. Absolutely right that expectations of good behaviour should be maintained and discipline meted out for refusal to co-operate.
Fascinating that the youngest is showing the most maturity.
Very good news about his flat being finalised now, not long to go
Having your new bed will be lovely. Can you move things around in the room, or change things, so it's more "you"?

Try and feel the relief as a positive thing.
I hope the finances fall into place soon.
You are sounding stronger.

Sorted more money stuff, some not great but I know where I am. Have asked work for Friday afternoon off which means I can go to my friends in good time. Have had supper with another friend, the one who doles out very little sympathy but I know he is one of my best friends. So, will keep on keeping on.

Well done, well done and well done!
Another step in the right direction, nearly there now. It can be helpful to have one person who is a bit tough.
So pleased you're away for the w/e, hope you have a lovely time, and come back to a comfortable, peaceful sanctuary.

I bet you're relieved about the money - another task ticked off.

So very nearly there now. You've done so well on what's been a horrible road to go down.

Boys all seem to be ok thankfully. I was right about the youngest, he did know. I could not talk to him as I could not lie but could not be honest and then ask him to keep his knowledge from his brother. Worse than that I would have had to ask him to make sure his brother never knew he had known first. I am glad that we have discussed honestly now though. He say he only knew I was unhappy (had heard me crying) and that he could not hear words when he could hear talking. Let's hope that is correct.

Son number one has just realised there will be less money... I hope he offers to contribut more to household so I do not need to ask.

son number two seems to be enjoying his long summer holiday. I have agreed to pay for gym membership for him. That will be a few hours I know where he is and that he is safe.

I feel quite calm at the moment. I hope that lasts long enough to se me through tonfriday lunchtime. I will then come here get stuff and perhaps dog and go. It has been a never ending and difficult road, I can never than you enough for your support. I think I may have gone through it without you but am relived I did nit have to out that to the test. I especially thank you for believing I could do this, even when others (and may be me) didn't. It might have changed this script, I hope so anyway.

delurking fb you seem to be doing really well, I am so glad you have had the strength to not settle for second best. You deserve more. Good luck for tomorrow, your boys will be fine and will come to terms with everything in time, will most likely draw you all together. Chin up lovey.

Hope work goes quickly this morning, and you can start you lovely weekend.xx

Lines of communication are open between you and the boys and all you can do is deal with things as they crop up. Everything will slot into place as you all fall into new routines, and the boys will see how much happier and more relaxed you are.
Concentrate on making the most of your new freedom and doing things that make you feel good.
Have a lovely w/e

Oh it's lovely to hear that you sound calmer. Hopefully this weekend will pass ok, despite its significance. Your sons sounds happier that things are in the open, they will need time to process things, but I'm sure they will be fine.

Just a thought, but if he is actually moving his stuff out tomorrow to his flat, would it be better for you to stay away from the house at lunchtime, or would you rather be there to get your stuff/dog?

Keep on keeping on Fuckity you have come so far since April x

Off to work in the morning. Then back here to get stuf and dog. Will be at friends about 7pm tomorrow. Have washed linen etc for him to take. Sorted more paperwork. Have not sorted photos.

Sitting here getting more pissed by the minute. I so wish he loved me.

Oh sweetheart , I'll have a glass of with you, if we can toast your new life. I'm so sorry.

Photos can wait, he's a twat, and you're so lovely you're still looking after him. Lots of people here would say you shouldn't be doing anything for him, but I understand the that you want to feel like you've the done the right thing, not been petty, and been the bigger person.

Where is he now?