Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Sad indeed fb, but happier times are around the corner .

Focus on the future, with peace and tranquillity, lovely friendships with people who love and appreciate you, no more living with someone you pulls you down.

He has been terribly cruel to you - in so many ways :(

He is saying things that make you feel less able than you are - such as 'I wish you were stronger'.

He should have moved out when he decided he was no longer 'in love' with you, he should not have kept you dangling as he has.

Stop feeling guilty about inane stuff like linen & lino - it's the very least you deserve.

It is horribly hard to be with someone who doesn't feel the way you want them to - heartbreaking.

You are strong. You will be fine. You know the person you are at work?? That is you - that is who you can be 24/7 when you are out of this relationship.

Big hugs - because it all sucks, but you know what, in less than a years time you will be back here saying 'Oh god, why did I wait so long to do that???' x

Sad, of course, but also promising. Small steps forward for you, gradually putting him in the background.
So, as Chipping says you can finally realise who you are, not who he tells you you are.

PS. Can I have the teasmade

Will you look how fast Bewitched bagsied herself that teasmade! Careful it doesn't blow up!

Fuckity it is a strange feeling having that kind of clear-out but well done tackling it.

We have only made a small start we have decades of belongings to untangle.

Did have tears, the money situation is frankly quite frightening. Boys know I was weepy so loads of hugs. Not all bad.

Have had two glasses if wine, large glasses, but hey less than other nights so will leave it there

Some bad news, my friend is not coming at weekend. She just has too much on. It is a shame. I was looking forward to that.

That' such a shame your friend can't make the w/e, you really needed that sort of break and support.
I'm just wondering why you're sorting out your mother's loft, and whether it's really necessary at the moment.
I feel that if anything isn't a priority for you and it won't help you then you shouldn't do it.

Oh, that's a shame about your friend fb. I suppose that since his flat will be ready nest week (?) at least you can roll your sleeves up and get some stuff packed up. I know it's a shit job, but I suppose the sooner it's done the better.

Well done on sticking at two glasses of wine. It's the stopping at a sensible amount that can be really hard once you start. Not surprising that tears are flowing but try to think of them as cathartic, healing tears.

Donkeys I'm always quick to spot a gem

I know it's exhausting and relentless at the moment and practical things keep coming up like the attic and stuff, but your recovery has started. Rather than a day at a time, I found it more helpful to think in weeks - that way you don't focus so much on the inevitable dips and can take an average view of how you have been feeling.

5 months on from my STBXH exiting stage left and I'm suddenly finding myself a bit bored with all the upset and angst and non-stop thinking. I was kind of expecting a more time heals, memories fade sort of thing, which was a tiring prospect in itself because I'm massively sentimental and have a big elephant memory. Not really sure what my point is, but he's not dead so you don't have an ongoing 'duty' to keep the emotional memories going, even though you might feel like you have no choice at the moment. Roll on the day when you wake up and think 'I can't be arsed with all this. I want to think about flowers and trees instead' (or high heels and ....erm....tattoos??? I'll stop now. Can I just say I've been awake since 3.14 with DD2.)

he's not dead so you don't have an ongoing 'duty' to keep the emotional memories going, even though you might feel like you have no choice at the moment

That is very cleverly put, DHtotalnob. And you've been awake since 3:14, kudos!

Sorry bout your friend FB, Is it the shame one that cancelled before? I would think it may be better to leave friends visiting until hes gone any way. get the old over with and then start the new, you will be more able to do exactly who you really are!

Went out tonight. He came to. Said he would like to get out of the house. Have run out of energy. Just asked him for a hug, just went downstairs did not say a anything. Have had a hug. Mistake. Now in bed and so sad, what is so very wrong with me.

Why did you take him out with you?

Because he asked in front of sons number one and two. Because I froze. Because I could not think what else to say, until the words yes sure were out of my mouth and then I thought of plenty I could have said even in front of the boys.

Don't beat yourself over it. It was the end of a difficult week. You were caught on the hop. Understandable. Now you have your thoughts in order though, in case it happens again, so that's good. The hug - well, again you've had a difficult week on top of a few difficult weeks, on top of some bad years. One hug isn't going to do that much harm. It's done and today's a new day.

What day is he moving out?

He gets the keys Friday lunchtime, I am told. No I do think that that is the plan as has discussed with boys. He should be gone by next Sunday, although I am pretty sure I will return to find there is still stuff he should have taken so there'd will be more to sort of the oncoming couple of weeks.

My birthday mid July, everything bar some legal stuff should be completed by then. I need to go for a fairly rapid financial settlement due to some bizarre choices he has made money wise recently. I found out about these Thursday and would like to disassociate myself from him financially ASAP.

De-lurking to say that I suspect he asked to go out with you to make it harder for you to split. He doesn't care about your feelings, but it is easier for him if you STFU. That is my thoughts, I could be wrong.

Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes.

For a split second it crossed my mind he wanted to ensure you weren't meeting someone - as if his ego would entertain that thought. Please don't beat yourself up about wanting a hug fuckity it doesn't mean you are in thrall but maybe channel that affection to your boys instead if it leaves you unsettled.

don't worry if you go out or have hugs while he is here, you are not saying yo have changed your mind, just want a hug and he is availalble.!!! there will be enough time to detach when he moves out. I found that i had to pile all his stuff in garage after he'd moved out and then when he didn't get it I had to say it was going in storage at his cost if he didn't get it by certain day. not horrid just practical. there was stuff i kept around until house was sold but had to organise that for him as well. irs easier than waiting for them all the time. also need financial seperation fast as discovered we had to remortgage for 40,000 to cover his credit card debt i wasn't aware of!!!
hope you are having a good weekend.

Really don't beat yourself up about any of these hiccups. You may think agreeing to him coming out with you last night was a mistake, but there will have been an upside for the boys and it maintains the idea that you are being very civilised about the split.
You thought a hug would make you feel better, it didn't, so you've learned something. There is nothing wrong with you. You're doing a very difficult thing. But you are doing it. You are moving in the right direction.
You're doing really well
Don't like the sound of his "bizarre financial choices" or the fact that you only found out about them so recently. Really hope you can achieve the speedy disassociation and settlement.
The important thing is that in a week he will have moved out.
Any stuff he leaves behind can be taken by the boys or sent in a cab.
I think you will feel relief and begin to rediscover yourself.
(((hugs)))

Because he asked in front of sons number one and two. Because I froze. Because I could not think what else to say, until the words yes sure were out of my mouth and then I thought of plenty I could have said even in front of the boys.

Thanks for answering my rather direct question, I just wanted to understand why you were blaming yourself. You did the only thing you could do, he knew that would have to be your answer. Don't blame yourself, learn from it perhaps - that you will have to make boundaries very clear idiot-proof with him.

And hug your dcs instead - they could probably do with it as well.

The finances are tricky, bit like cjel but only (!) 12k I did not know about. I hope I don't need to add so far...

I will be so relieved when he has signed the contract fr the flat. This weekend is proving v hard. I really am only keeping it together by my fingernails. Family BBQ this afternoon. Yes, it does ned to include all of us.

I keep thinking if things that will be tricky, from laying a new floor to changing the coving. I have to call the mortgage company tomorrow as well he wants to convert to interest only. Obviously I don't. So we have agreed to six months. It will release funds to kick off with.

Sometimes he looks at me as though he loves me, sometimes he is just horrid. He did not even say good night last night. Sometimes I am not worth anything. Oh bloody hell, why is he doing this? What I have I done? I have failed so very badly at everything. Please tell me that it is possible for someone to care about you and it is nothing like this? I have to do paperwork today, have been making likes if the stuff so I can get in top of things. I got diverted by decorating yeartersfag but need to knuckle down before shopping for party stuff. Hope to at least vacuum round too so it is going to be a pretty busy day. Much better fr me than having time to fill.

Is the party at your house? Hopefully it will keep you busy and distracted, and mean that you and he are fairly separate during it.

His blowing hot and cold - well from what you have said, that's just him isn't it. It's why you will be so much happier living apart from him. Relationships should not be like that - they should be safe and nurturing, loving and fun, supportive and honest. Hopefully one day you will find someone like that to share your life with.

Keep going, you're doing so, so well.

We had to visit his mum in hospital every night for weeks after I left, sometimes when i didn't go he would bring takeaway back to mine 'to let me know how she was'? and sometimes I knew he was dropping me off to go to OW. The pain is horrendous isn't it? I would want to say that you have done nothing to deserve to be treated like you are, NOTHING. you haven't failed you have been amazing to put up with him for so long. People said to me that I was too good for him and I didn't understand what they meant, I do now!! I haven't been near to being asked out or even been anywhere to meet anyone but i can say its better to live like this than with that awful distain all the time. I think counselling will help you realise what you are worth. Hope party goes well today. we had m-i-l funeral to get through 6weeks into it all and it cuts deep to see all family that are no longer mine.(hes one of 6 - 20 neices and nephews etc. etc.) but most of them have gone out of there way to comfort me.
Not long now - whatever you feel you are finally choosing to do what is right for you , you tried for a long time to make it what you wanted and that isn't happening so this really is best.

They must have known the kind of person you are and liked you for yourself cjel and what is more, showed it, which of course sadly some families don't, preferring to close that door.

Hope the BBQ doesn't take it out of you fuckity the effort of putting on a front for the boys for so long was majorly stressful. Now it is out in the open. I am sure your P would gladly share any credit for raising your boys and having a good time for the majority of your time together. Logically he should then equally share any 'blame' when things turned out differently and in fact he is more culpable because he went ahead and had an affair. So please don't castigate yourself for "failing" and don't measure your worth by how much attention and affection he chooses to give you. I bet he will be charm itself this afternoon with an audience.