Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

This is so hard. Please help me stop myself from going downstairs and asking for a cuddle

hope I'm in time to help? although i took all the cuddles i could get while we still lived in the same house. I said that it was hard for me and i deserved to get my comfort anyway i could and that the time would come soon enough when i couldn't get any!!
I must say that i don't have any regrets about the way i did things, but i was very firm that the cuddles stopped as soon as we didn't live together, we were able to talk about it being the end and although what we knew had to happen didn't mean we couldn't be sad about the end of 35 years together.

I think cjel has said it all really. If you went for a cuddle last night, well, today is a new day. It is sad to be splitting up after so long, and as we all keep saying, this in between/in limbo stage is the hardest, so it is understandable that you would want comfort from somewhere.

I think that is why you could do with telling your family though, so that you can get some support from them. Is it possible to see your brother or sister today?

I did not ask for a hug. I was crying. I don't want his pity. This is the last weekend we will all be together. This is making me feel sick. Monday we can tell boys. I don't want to tell th although we must. Am worried about next weekend. My plan was to go away but son number will be at a late party some way away. If I am not here husband will have to pick him up so will go until sunday. I suppose as going to his mothers that will be ok. He won't be be able to take many of his things. In some ways I wonder if he should just go midweek as soon as boys know now? Do they need time? Or is time just cruel?

fb I can't remember the ages of your sons (I know one has just finished GCSE's), but is the other one still at school? If so, would it be better to tell them both today so that the school age one has some time to absorb it before school again Monday? Obviously not relevant if they have both left.

Personally, I think that if school isn't a consideration then the sooner he goes after you both talk to them, the better. Prolonging it will just be more painful for them, as it has been for you. They will need to learn to adjust, which they will, and that will happen best when they are living with the new situation, not when they are waiting for it to happen.

That said, you have to go with your gut feeling on what you feel is best.

Really well done on not going to him last night. Each little thing like that will make you stronger. You can cope with this, you have been doing so you know that you can. What about support for you though, is that possible from anyone else this weekend?

I walked with my man friend yesterday which was really good. He is very pragmatic even though he gets being called that! Possibly going out with him and his long term and vey lovely partner tonight. If not I might go over to see my sister unless she nd her husband are out.

Can't tell boys this weekend. Last exam is monday and is maths so very important. Son number three is 14 so ye school is n issue. I suppose we could do it be t weekend but I don't want to put it off any longer, and it is our anniversary so will be especially tricky. Hence wanting him to go next weekend nd me being away with friends.

We have done well in preventing upset during exams the aim now is to try and help the boys to see it a being positive or at least not a disaster for anyone.

I so want him to hold me.

So glad you managed last night. I would think that once you have told boys it will be clearer whether he should go straight away or stay till weekend. One thing I'd say about my situation is that when i moved the first little while i was on cloud nine and confident but did have times of sadness as well, missing him. I had a great phrase 'i was missing a myth' What i was missing wasnt what i had in reality. the hugs you crave are like that, they will not satisfy long term its more a dream of what you think you have.. hope you manage today.xx

Last night was a fail. I feel so lonely. He says. It is not real until he has told the children. I feel even more worthless. The bottom line is that they will, everyone will, know that I not good enough. He has to leave his boys because he does not want to be with me.

Oh my goodness.Has he made you feel those things? They are really really not true. He is leaving his boys because of his behaviour. You have fought and fought for things to change, he hasn't made t he changes that would make your and your boys life work. NOT YOU. don't listen to any of the messages he is hinting at to put all this weight on you. your boys will know the truth as will anyone who cars about you. Don't allow his crap to give you guilt you really done't deserve. Throughout all mine I've had a saying 'quiet dignity' and its so powerful, every time you feel you should 'show him' or tell everyone your side just let it go and remain dignified. the truth always comes out and'people' will see it .

I have just seen your thread and offering another hand to hold. I completely agree with that cjel says above. You are acting in the best interests of your children and for you - in the decisions you have made and the way you are putting them into action. People will see that but more importantly you should remember it

I do feel worthless. I slept with him last night, I instigated it not him. I just wanted to feel cared for. Cared about. Of course I don't. I just feel so sad. Have a horrible feeling this is shaping up to be a tearful day. Have work to do do can't ship out.

Weight, one if his complaints has been I weigh too much. He is right. Don't look too bad with clothes and makeup on but look dreadful without. Needless to say I wear makeup all the time. Even in bed most nights. I have perfected the make up that survives sleep routine. So pathetic I know. I do know all this. Just so weak and stupid I don't change anything.

I wish I was different.

OK now i'm fuming!!You are different, just he has told you otherwise. I understand why you slept with him, i told you we did like we were on honey moon from the time we split up to the time i moved out. I don't see it as weakness I saw it as strength that i was taking control and doing what i need to get me through the tough time. How dare he illude you are only ok when you have the mask of makeup and clothes. Try listening to the deep part of yourself that knows you are better thtn he is saying. Trust me its great when you realise that it is more than ok its fantastic to be fuckitybollocks. I love cjel now and know i look good (for a slightly overweight grannie of 53!!) and am not even prepared to start to date yet because all the people that are interested aren't good enough for me. Don't settle for crap because you don't have to you are great!!!

FB, you are not worthless. You are gold-dust. You have brought up yfour children, you have kept a home running for them where they feel loved and cared for. In the face of horrible odds. You are honest and true. The example you have set for your boys is second to none.

Your h has not done that. He has been dishonest, unfaithful, irresponsible. He is notd even honest enough to accept the responsib ility abd accountability for his own actions. A real man would have discussed whatever he was troubled about over 5 years ago and, with his wife, tried to sort it out. Did he do that? No, he followed his penis without a thought.

This is not your fault.

Please don't listen to him . Is he exactly how he was when you married? Has he not changed? We all enter into long term relationships knowing that we and our partners will become different as the years go by. I am horrified that you feel you have to sleep with make-up on. I bet he's a bit saggy here and there. That's what happens. He seems to be without possession of sense or sensitivity, kindness, empathy or understanding.

This is not your fault.

thanks. I don't believe you at all, you do not know me, but it is nice to think people want to help it really is.

One is true - he is a little saggier then he was despite his obsession with fitness etc. He uses more wrinkle cream than me and that is not helping much either. He hates growing old - I think seeing me reminds him that we are growing older.

And thanks for saying I have set a good example for the boys. You will probably know how much flaming I have had here. Some of the commonest a few weeks ago have contributed to me feeling so useless. I feel utterly despised and devastated that I have not done right by the boys. They are the very centre of my being.

it took me a long time to understand that i was valuable again, i was lucky as i started a college course where the people didnt know me with h just on my own and they started to tell me who i really was and i had counselling, but it was still months until i suddenly realiseds i was listening to myself and not him. The reason i can say it to you is that i have heard what your DH has done and said to you and if there was a script it would be the same as mine said to me.
Start a journal, write the good things you eere about yourself, the things you acheive an you will start to see a pattern of where your negative messages come from.
Your last post about his insecurities just confirms to me that he ahas spent years projecting these to you and you have changed yourself to be his idea of who you should be. it will be amazing when you can start to find out who you are and what you want of your life, I would recomend getting a counsellor. It will be like here but they will know you.
The reason for me wanting to help is because i know how hard it is to believe someone else not them.
Have you read anything that any one is saying to you that rings bells for you?

I have work. I am different there. Self assured and good at what I do on the whole. Made a mistake though and that dented me. I do not really know who I am. He has been half of me since I was 17. He is out right now. Boys in bedrooms and coming in for odd chats. I feel so deceitful but don't want them to know their dad is leaving. It is all so muddled. I cried when he left earlier because he came to give me a hug. It is alright I went to the bathroom the boys did nit see. They know something is Up though I am sure, I think the last few days I have been worse at hiding things. Until he told me he had arranged to go to his mums I still had fantasies if it all being ok. Of him Turing round and say it was a mistake that he loves me. Even now he says he might move out and regret it, that he might need to win me back. He has never had to do that (that is what he says) and maybe he will fail. So nothing is done. Just need to get through tomorrow.

Hello fuckity have been away, hence break in encouragement.

To your H I might be tempted to quote scripture, why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Presumably when being critical of your body changes over the course of 30 years, he fails to acknowledge that you too are sleeping with a middle aged person! The past two years I have often caught sight of a reflection of a woman before recognising myself. I hate getting snapped, it is a lucky day when the camera is kind. . Do the best you can with what you've got. Less show, more substance.

You say your H has been half of you since you were 17. I wonder what percentage of himself he would say you are?

It must have been a tremendous strain on you, not sharing what is happening with you and H with your sons. You have a close relationship, they will know you have been unhappy.

In a strange way, I think the boys will be relieved when they no longer have to guess what is wrong. They may fear it is serious illness or suchlike - or they may suspect already.

Knowing something is broken and cannot be fixed does not mean you stop wishing it were whole again, or grieving for when it was complete.

I have just reread the whole thread. I will not be swayed by him saying we don't have to do this...which he said this morning. We do have to do this. We need to tell the children and I need to stop living with someone who does not think I am worth it. And he needs to stop talking as though it will just be a separation so he can prove we should stay together. Because he is going to his mums (because he has done nothing at all about separating) it will not be as clean as I would have liked.

Tonight we must talk about what we will say to the boys and how he will get his things out of this house. I think he might be shitty about money, and I am surprised to see myself writing that. I will get support ASAP.

I have far more information, and have decided on a solicitors and a route to divorce. I need him out of the house now, really need him to go away. I am going to suggest he takes some stuff to his mums Tuesday so next weekend he can move as much as possible there. I know there will be things he cannot take until he has a place, I hope he will do that quickly now as I know he would rather stay closer to the boys.

I have really really got to the end of what I can cope with. He has to go sooner rather than later. We can tell the boys tomorrow evening.

FB PLEASE read chumplady.com and become acquainted with 'mindfuckery'.

Also, 'the humiliating dance of Pick Me!'

TELL PEOPLE. His power wanes drastically when people see what an unloving nasty twat he is being. You have nothing to be ashamed of. HE has LOTS to be ashamed of. I was staggered as to how much support I got in RL, even from my own children.

This is NOT about you. This is about him, and his inablility to love authentically, to put shiny shallow before deep connection.

All the time you and I tolerate our suffering, we enable them to continue on. Good luck FB I know it is hard.

I feel much better. Mainly because son number two has just iniated a conversation about after school plans and seems to be making well informed and carefully considered plans. He is lovely.

As Wellwobbly says, once this is out in the open he can't keep on rubbishing your feelings. Currently it's too easy for him to reduce you to tears or make you tie yourself in knots. Nobody is in a position to pass judgment, anyway from all you have written here, you are your own harshest critic.

As an outsider what do I see? Two adults coming to the parting of the ways. Or one superior being who thinks he can sweep his affair under the carpet and let his partner feel she's the one who failed or that, inexplicably, she bears the responsibility for a selfish man indulging himself extra maritally.

Lets hope the boys see the first of your two scenarios. I don't want them to be estranged from either of us. Last time son number was very aware and had little to do with him. Roughly same age as son number three is now. It is really important to do this right.

Text from friend has just come through (the one who us utterly trustworthy). She has invited me to stay with her next weekend. I will go and leave husband to worry about boys and party.

Will call brother and sister tomorrow. Mum is coming over for tea and she absolutely cannot know before bits and would be very upset if siblings knew first. Will be another major point of no return.

Dreading husband coming home. We have to talk and I am pretty sure he will say he wants to stay and work it out. I must not fall for it again. Not ever.

Remember NO is a complete sentence !!!

remember to do what you want and be in control. he s to be you ex.you will probably always love him but like you said you don't want to live like this one more week.xx