Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Finally managed to get into chump lady site. It told me the servers were down. On phone so scrolling back tricky but thanks so much to whoever recommended it. Some good reading there

As some of you predicted as we get closer to the 17th he is being nicer. Not due to household stuff he washes own clothes nd makes more than half the meals (bathroom stuff is shockingly bad as is general stuff). I think it is more than that causing him to stay.

Out social life has always been down to me, he will lose that. He genuinely wbts to live with boys, he would lose that. He adores our animals and would lose them. He prefers my family to his own and would lose that. For the first time in a while we are relatively secure financially. He would lose that. Also he would lose me, perhaps friendship is valued? Not going to speculate too much there. He says he does not know what love is and perhaps he does.... Shades if prince Charles I think!

But I do not want to live with someone who does not make me feel valued nd loved.

I do not want to live with someone who does not make me feel valued nd loved - and nor should you.

You are sounding more positive about what is going to happen (from your point of view, I realise he is chucking many spanners in the works) and that is good to hear.

He will have to learn to sort out his own social life, make arrangements to see his sons etc. That is not for you to be running around doing. At least your children are old enough to phone or text him themselves to speak to him or meet him.

Yes, the children are all old enough to sort themselves out.

If I am honest I am struggling to stay firm here. He really wants to stay. I don't (can't) think he is a bad as people here do, although of course I have years of loving him and many years of admiring him to counteract. I have to hold on to what makes sense to me. I don't want to live with someone who does not love me anymore.

Of course I will also get more wardrobe space which is v important!

- one can never under estimate the importance of wardrobe space!!

I can totally understand why you would be struggling to stay firm. This is not a sudden break, but one that has had to be planned for important reasons. The downside is that, like with any difficult decision we make, the prevarication period is painful and mixed, which is what essentially you are going through until it is sorted. Of course, he isn't helping either.

I guess that as they say, keeping an eye on the goal at the end, which will be a happier you, without someone undermining your confidence and chipping away at your self-esteem, is crucial. Of course he is not all bad. But in this situation, when he could, if he wanted, pull out all the stops to turn this around, it is telling that he does nothing.

Thanks.

How do you know exactly what to say when? I really hope you have not had something similar happen, although if you have it just adds weight to my theories about some men and their stupidity.

I haven't experienced what you are going through, thankfully, but I can try to imagine the complete 'horribleness' of what you must be going through in trying separate your two lives out.

I hope your weekend has been ok. Did you ever manage to speak to your brother or sister about what is happening?

No I didn't, and my brother is away again now. We were altogether sat eve but no opportunity.

Today my husband is at home all day and I have reminded him to call some agents. I have also found a furnishes services short term let that is only a few miles away. It is expansive but worth considering

That's a shame about your brother. It might be that having your family know would make it a bit more real for your H.

Fingers crossed he calls some agents, but don't take it all on yourself if he doesn't.

He says He does not know what to do. He even added on an 'ok I love you ok'. I said that was like pulling teeth not like an apology or declaration of love. I went so far as saying he was playing the martyr, the 'nice' guy who wanydentinstay with his family at great personal sacrifice because he does not love his wife. I then withdrew. It is not doing anything for anyone.

In other news. I have been drinking a lot of wine. More than a bottle most nights. :(. Last night I did not have any at all. I am pleased with that and intend to have nothing today as well.

Am pleased you have not played this game agatha. Is not nice.

It doesn't sound nice, in fact it sounds just awful. Hopefully though, when you come out of the other end and things are more sorted, you will feel so much better, and that good feeling will hopefully grow and grow as you adjust and become more of your own person.

You're quite right, he is playing the martyr. As far as him knowing what to do, well he can ponder that from different accommodation really. For as long as he likes, although hopefully he will realise that he needs to sort himself out as a priority.

Great that you didn't have wine last night. It's such an easy habit to get into. We have cut down drastically over the last six weeks or so, and we both feel so much better for it. We've been trying alcohol free wine, which isn't particularly lovely, but alcohol free beers are much nicer

Well done, FB; drinking that much every night is not helping you, just numbing you so it feels like it's helping. You're living in such a horrible, confusing situation and it's natural to use something which seems to help, so it's courageous of you to stop.

He is being a martyr now. I think he's going to make this all as hard as possible, thus his 'helpless' stance, not knowing what to do, all that stuff. He's started something but doesn't want to face the consequences of it.

Gird your loins, FB, get that armour on. You'll have to be strong in the face of his weakness.

Reaffirmed yesterday morning, he did he was looking at holidays for us all! He would just drift along until the next time I complain about feeling unvalued.

I was very calm although a few year on face and repeated everything. He said he does not remember half if what I Sid he said over last few months. It doesn't matter though, I remember.

Very very low again last night and this morning. Feel weak and wobbly. I feel as though I am breaking up our family just because I am not lovable and can't face tht reality. I kno
w you will answer rubbish but that's how I feel.

Sorry. On phone and finding it hard to control posting!

I feel as though I am the selfish one. He is will to stay and it is me who is saying I can't do this. Unlike five years ago it is me who is ruining things by being greedy

Oh just a bad bit

Oh fb, you are beating yourself up for his misdemeanors, his lack of empathy, his lack of love, his straying. How can any of that be your fault? You are not selfish. You have tried, tried and tried more, in the face of his affair, of his stating he doesn't love you, of his blatant using of you for his own benefit (namely as an anchor to the family he has no interest in putting the work into).

He is using his poor memory as such a cop-out. He can't remember what you said? I don't believe it, but if it is true, what about you summarising it in an email or letter to him. Further to that though, please, please get something legal started - legal separation or divorce proceedings. He is going to keep toying with you for as long as he possibly can, which could be a long time potentially.

It is no surprise you feel so crap. He is prolonging this most painful part of separation - the run up and decision making - and the one suffering here is you.

I hope your day has improved since this morning. How much longer until the day? Can you plan it on a day by day basis now with a 'jobs list', ie legal support, tell brother, tell sister, pack up some stuff, any bank/financial business etc? Just to keep you focused and in a bit more control, because as always, it is control he is taking away from you again.

Oh, fb, you are not being selfish or demanding, really, truly you're not.

Yes, you are desperately unhappy; he has made you so. He has treated you so badly, as a second class person for a long time. Little or no respect, little or no honesty. And now, he is pretending that it is all your fault because he selfishly wants to carry on treating you like that as long as he wants to do it.

This is not you breaking up the family, spoiling things. He did that years ago. But he's nice and comfy where he is, so ofcourse he wants to maintain the status quo. He'll try any way to do that which occurs to im. At the moment his method is to guilt trip you into beleiving it's all your fault.

I'm not suggesting he's consciously calculating his tactics. It's just what happens, I'm afraid. It's very common.

Sadly, I don't think that he's going without a fight. Have you seen a solicitor yet? You'll be in the same place - more ground down and with less feelings of value and self-esteem - this time next year if you don't take steps to prevent it.

Think what your boys are learning about relationships, too.

The boys bit bites the hardest.

I have appointed an online divorce service. They will prepare initial letter, I guess from a template, and then I do a bit then they check it sort of thing. The last exam is next Monday so a jobs lists is a good idea.

I am absolutely stretched to the limit at work which is kind of a good thing I think. Work will be like this until the end of June, then there will be breathing space and then I will have end of July and most ofnaugust off. That works well in that I will have time with the boys to decorate and adjust before work steps up again.

I do feel bad though. It is me this time forcing the issue. It does feel incredibly selfish, as selfish as his choices five years ago. I am not worried about coping, I know I will this time. I know I will not become so depressed, sad yes but not depressed.

Ok jobs, am of tomorrow although have work to do. I thought I would work ona budget so that I am crystal clear about money. I think that will help me feel in control. I am sure there is a lot of wastage and I want to identify that and perhaps be able to out money aside for Christmas and a min break for me and the boys. If I am very lucky he will take them all away in the summer as their passports need renewing! Second task is to renew the bed search. I am going to try and get a second hand frame and then buy a new mattress. I found a hole in our bed linen so he can have that with the bed! Trouble is I am spoilt and like really expensive stuff. Need to think about that.

And why the fuck do I melt when he looks at me. I even felt pleased to gear his voice on the phone earlier!!!!!!

This is harder than giving up smoking I swear.

Good good for the online service. I think it is the only way he will accept what is happening.

Good also that your work is busy so less time to fret and worry (which must be so natural in this process).

Please don't feel bad. It is not you forcing the issue. I so wish you could see that, although I understand why you can't. He set the ball in motion 5 years ago, probably before that even. His choices were selfish. This is a fallout from then, and from his failure to mend things since then. It was his responsibility to rebuild your relationship, to take it from something broken (by him) to something that you could both live with, yet he failed and refused to do that. You will cope. I could not have coped with what you have coped with up to now, yet here you are, still doing day to day, month to month, year to year.

You melt because you have a history of love, but he threw that away.

fruity i left mine 2 years ago, he was ea and pa and had an affair!! he came up twice in the last couple of weeks for the 1st time i've seen him in 18 months and i felt the butterflies would burst out of my chest.!! I really wouldn't live with all those years of hell again so I can understand although not explain the melting. btw the best 3months of out marriage was the last 3 before i left. we went away. ate out, he cooked candlelit meals every night and we slept together, even the morning I moved out (TMI?) didn't want me to go etc etc., but i had to and it really was the best thing i did. I'm not happy all the time and have tearful 'lonely' days but i have a weird peace inside me that i never had before.

He has not sorted accommodation but has said he will go to his mums next weekend. Not great, I wantednallmhis belongings out and he will not be able to do that but better than nothing I suppose. I cried through and just wish I didn't.

I agree with you, not great that he's not sorted accommodation, but at least he is going to his mum's house. I guess he must see it as very temporary. Do you have a garage that you could put his belongings in, or a shed etc? If not, what about taking stuff to a family member to store?

Don't be too hard on yourself about crying. You are human, you have feelings, you are hurting currently. No surprise you cried.

Yes to garage. And shed. He is downstairs tonight. It is time to stop sharing a bed. We can do the sore bones or snoring thing. The boys can be told on Monday. I will go away the next weekend. Cannot pretend to celebrate wedding anniversary so that has to be the deadline.

He has told his mum. Saw her yesterday for the first time in about six months. I do not think I will ever see her again so hat he Sid should not matter. Would like to know though. Sp

It feels odd. Has been family for decades. Don't suppose I will ever see her again.

Did you get on with her before? If you did, there's no reason why you shouldn't invite her round (to see the boys?) from time to time, if you both want that. Although it might be better for you to make a clean break for a while, just to avoid sending mixed messages to your H.

I am really glad that he is at least going to stay with his mum. Hopefully he will sort out a house/flat from there, rather than thinking he just has to go for a week, then can come back. But the confirmation that he is going to his mum's house is more positive than I had expected.

Good plan to not share your bed.

The hugs have got to stop. You say he's not being cruel, hugging you and making you 'melt' is hideously cruel! And selfish. Practise saying "don't fucking touch me". He does his own washing, he can hug himself from now on.

He asked me for a hug before I came to work. I said he needs to stop. He looks dreadful though. I don't suppose he slept much last night.

His mum is not really close to me. She has not supported my attempts to repair although I don't think she would want to spilt us up. It is all rather odd to think that I will no longer have contact though. After 30 years all our families and friends are mixed up. I am sure he will miss my family though. Especially my brother I think. He has know him since he was in ordinary school. My husband taught him to drive! Is all odd. I am ok though. No tears today. Numb really. Relieved a bit. Sad but ok.