Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

It really is time for him to receive something official fb. I know it's not high on your list of priorities, but clearly he needs something more than has been said/done so far to take it seriously. You might save yourself further heartache in three weeks time if you get this in motion now so that he has it before the date.

I'm not surprised you don't know what you are feeling. You are in such a horrible limbo time and place at the moment. Three weeks isn't long, but it must feel like it to you at the moment. His lack of motivation and taking it seriously won't be helping your feelings either. It means that you can't, at the moment, rely on or believe that there is a date at which things will happen and you can move on.

He just seems so unhappy. I know that is not an excuse but he seems to be in a deep hole and almost paralysed. This is so hard. I will ring sols when I get the chance. Can't decide now between co op and wikivorce lot.

Phone them both. You'll probably have a better idea when you have spoken to them.

I know it must be really hard for you seeing that he is unhappy. It is of his making though. He has let it get to this, through his own lack of effort, his lack of compassion, his lack of love. He has seen you unhappy for months and years, yet done nothing about it. His paralysis is probably because he is in denial currently about what is happening. As Donkeys said, he is being childlike in his denial. Burying his head in the sand to avoid facing it. He too is in limbo. The sooner he is out of the house, the sooner he can start to move on with his life too.

Hi FB, how do you think he will react to getting a letter or document from a solicitor about your formal separation, or the start of your divorce? Do you think he will continue to bury his head in the sand, doing nothing, or do you think he will be galvanised into action?

If he's likely to ignore it, continue in his denial that anything is happening, do you have any idea of how you might deal with that?

(DH's friend was 'surprised' to receive divorce at his office. It happened because his wife had been telling him for years she wanted one, but he put his head in the sand and completely ignored her. Not only did she have to serve the papers like that, but she had to put the house on the market 'behind his back' - his head still firmly in the sand, she'd tried to talk to him, tell him, everything, but he was just ignoring her. The only way forward for her was to just get on with it all. Two children, similar ages to yours.)

He will be very angry if he gets a letter I think. He does not want to take reponsibilty for anything but does not want me to be in control at all. If we can sort money amicably. Perhaps even when he feels a bit guilty that would be so much better. I think a letter will mean that the gloves are off and I am not sure how fair he will be. He would never leave the children without but I am not sure he intends contributing anything to me. He is the hugest Warner probably because his career came first. I was warning more than him when our first child was born. I think I might be 'due' some extra capital or maintenance as a result of joint decisions.

Maybe tell him first that you will be serving papers, so he knows to expect it, but don't be drawn into discussion about it. He can't really say that it is a surprise, can he? He has known you want a separation for weeks now, and are not a couple any longer anyway. He knew the risks he was taking when he had his affair. He is backing you into a corner and leaving you with no other real option. Again, his choice, just like it all has been all along.

I don't know how it works with spousal maitenance etc, but if you need advice on that, perhaps post on the legal boards and see if someone in family law can advise you? I have seen that some of the DIY divorce sites offer phone advice too, not sure if they can help with that?

Did you say previously that you have an inheritance in your joint account? If so, now might be a good time to move to into an account in just your name. Again, not his business anymore, but you need to protect yourself and what is yours.

Fuckity everyone's got the right to leave a relationship if they're not happy. Just because he might turn angry, or peevish, or lash out, shouldn't you deserve to call it a day? It's not like you're having an affair!

He will be very angry if he gets a letter I think. He does not want to take reponsibilty for anything but does not want me to be in control at all.

PLEASE see a solicitor, it is very important. Its difficult, and I know it makes it official, but otherwise you will yo-yo back and forth, and you have got to protect yourself.

Don't accept anything H tells you about finance.
Don't listen to any bs about "We can stay civil and sort this between ourselves and save loads of solicitors fees". You need expert advice.

Start organising your life totally independent of H. Get a separation, file for divorce. Go for a fair settlement.

Disclaimer: I'm not legal so this is just what I've gleaned from MN but as your boys are practically adults, get child maintenance for the DS who's still in education. Your DSs are old enough to have their own contact.

Try to agree on a lump sum of money and assets that means you can start again and which reflects the sacrifices you made for his career. You're already working, it's not like you are sitting back expecting riches to fall into your lap.

I predict your stress and anxiety levels will significantly decrease when you are no longer enduring a relationship with this man.

Yes, please see a solicitor asap. I really think this should be your top priority now.

Struggling. He wants to stay but I CAN'T say ok. So tired of it all. So scared too.

Are his reasons for wanting to stay that he wants to make it work with you because he loves you, or that he needs somewhere to sleep/eat/do his washing?

You know that the only acceptable reason is the first one, and even then, he would really need to be prepared to work really hard to prove to you that he genuinely loves you and wants a good marriage with you.

You're right, you can't let him stay. You cannot keep inflicting this mental anguish upon yourself by letting him stay. He is really cruel to keep doing this. He knows you are unhappy, yet seemingly doesn't actually give a toss.

Please get either a legal separation started by a solicitor (is that a cheaper option than using one for divorce, just to use one for a legal separation, then use a DIY divorce later?) or a divorce started via the DIY route. He has you on a miserable merry-go-round and it has to stop.

Feeling tough again now. Went out to dinner last night with an old girlfriend and talked to her about it all. She has a pretty poor opinion of him and his behaviour and that has bolstered me up a bit. One day I need to be able to hold opinions etc without needing reinforcement from others but for the moment I am just grateful to her, and you guys.

I think today's mission is to buy a new bed. I have told him he can take this one as I do not want it which is perhaps a bit emotional and weak. I think actually ordering a bed will reinforce things without me having to get involved in discussions.

I think that I can download forms to kick things off, I will also email him fairly formally requesting details if all financial stuff. I need more information. I am pretty certain that there is insufficient I organise a clean break (apart from child support) but I want to double check all the approximate figures I have in my head.

Monday I will ring the work legal advice thing and see if they can just provide a letter or what they can do for me.

That sounds like a good plan. Enjoy your bed buying mission.

Oh, do enjoy buying a new bed! from me - my mattress doesn't fit the bed and it's awful, all the bedclothes keep getting into the wrong places and it's a nightmare to make every day.

Have spent afternoon with brother. I can't say the words to tell him.

Hello again. If you aren't able to speak to DBro could you write? It possibly won't come as a total surprise. You don't need validation but a person who knows you and is a stalwart would be useful to have. Parents being a generation older are often more fearful of change than our contemporaries and worry for offspring's future security when in fact your history with OH has been chequered and you probably haven't let on how trying circumstances have been.

If he has done nothing about leaving offer to find a flat for him. Book an appointment witha letting agent. He thinks you aren't being serious about this. Patronising arse.

Lonely and unhappy IN a marriage. You've not asked for the moon on a stick. Circling round for dreary year upon sad year is what H expects you to put up with. You've had sons, you have a family, you are in a nice home, you're working, you're getting a book published - you could be walking on air!

Have found something possible and quite nice on right move and shown it to him. He says finding somewhere to go is easy he just can't bring himself to cross the line. I said the line was crossed when he told me he did not love me.

This is so hard, in better news more decorating done, a little work and son is revising.

That line was crossed so far back it's now a dot in the distance. Well done pointing out he crossed it.

As Donkeys says, that line was crossed, by him, so very long ago. When he had the affair. When he said he didn't love you. When he stopped giving anything to your marriage. Tell him it is his mothers/friends/other relatives then until he can be arsed to cross the line.

Great about the decorating etc.

Hoping you have a good and productive week this week. Maybe something legal being set up to ensure he understands the situation clearly.

Just sent him a text about tea and automatically put xxx at the end. Bugger.

Work full on, hence text about tea, so no time to do or think about anything personal. Both good and bad. Nice to have brain space but need to do things as well.

Cross with self for xxx. I should not have sent that. Makes me feel daft again.

It is commonplace, people texting often add it by mistake, xxx on its own means nothing.

Don't worry about it. It was just a mistake. Glad you are busy at work, good to have something else to occupy your mind.

Hope you've got some of this lovely sunny weather where you are too.

Of course it's hard for him to cross the line, but he needs to understand that he is on the other side of the line now anyway. Making plans like this will help him understand the reality of the situation. It might be good to continue with other 'practical' arrangements.

Did you find a new bed fuckity?