Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Three weeks to go. You can do this fuckity. Right now it's a kind of half live you're living.

The fact that you have stayed consistent for all of these weeks shows that your mindset is now right for this change. I'm sure you will be so much happier when he lives elsewhere. I know it will probably be rocky for you from time to time, expecially in the beginning, but as Donkeys said, it's a half life you are living now, so it can only really get better. I really think it must improve for him too - he says over and over that he isn't happy at the moment, so this is his chance to make the life he wants for himself too.

How will you play it if he doesn't go on the agreed date? Have you got any kind of plan for that eventuality?

His comments that he will stay and you can work it out are astounding. He has had this hanging over him for weeks now, yet done nothing to try to work it out yet. When does he propose that the 'working it out' (in the form of effort from him) should start?

Hope you have a good day today. This dull, wet weather doesn't help us to feel great really.

Yes do read this thread through, fuckity.

I quite understand that after 25 years together, when your H had that affair, (which she stopped, not him), you decided not to make any life changing decisions for a while, (separation/divorce). It was too huge a decision to make whilst in that state of shock and hurt.

Even five years on, I suspect you worry about being the one who dismantles the family out of hurt or pride. Regardless of how lonely you have felt.

Agatha put it so well, The fact that you have stayed consistent for all of these weeks shows that your mindset is now right for this change.

It's a big, important step, it's been a long time coming.

I will reaffirm that he needs to find somewhere to go this evening. The main point, that I do not want to live with someone who does not make me feel loved/cherished/valued has not been touched let alone resolved.

I think that our life, friends etc, is starting to look attractive to him as he realises he will lose most of it, not me.

Donkey you are so right, I do fear being the one who dismantles our life, but I fear staying in it even more. I must not lose sight of that. Three weeks today we will tell the family, he will then move out on the weekend. He has not done anything at all to facilitate this but must.

It is not a snap decision, after all - it has taken a long time to push for this. You may find the DCs have been anticipating some such announcement for some time. The boys are not little children or in early teens. They are not required to take sides. Their father will still be Dad. If there is any suggestion that "Your mother has engineered this" he would do well to recall that he 'left' your marriage emotionally a very long time ago and has coolly drifted along like a disinterested passenger ever since.

Absolutely - he left/dismantled the marriage 5 years ago, not you. How much holding it together could he realistically expect you to do whilst he did nothing and continues to do nothing. I agree too, that your boys will probably have an inkling of this anyway. They may be upset at first, but that is because children don't like change, but in the longer term they will see that there is no other choice here but for him to physically leave (given that he mentally left years ago).

There is nothing to stop him maintaining those friendships on his own, as long as he puts the effort in. Likewise, he can maintain much of the lifestyle, seeing the boys regularly etc.

Maybe if you do speak to him about going this evening, just go along the lines of "I assume you will be going to your mum's until you sort somewhere more permanent out? Are you going to take everything all on that weekend or take some of the unnoticeable stuff before then?". In other words, don't give him an opening to say that he will stay. Assume the position of it being all sorted and in place, to avoid giving him 'wriggle room'.

That took ages, I have re read every word.Cant face the other thread though.

A bit of good news via email - the last draft I sent in of a bit of the book I had been struggling with writing is apparently OK. OK, work or decorating?

Ooh, decorating is probably more interesting but work pays the bills - tough one there .

Great news on the book. What is it about?

I can imagine that re-reading it was a bit grim. Hope you're ok after that.

Had a chat with husband in a brief child free period. He is being an arse. I think the top and bottom of it is that for whatever reason he wants to stay, but he wants us to play along with the 'he is staying because he does not want to upset me' game.

He says I am inconsistent! I have sorted him a bag of linen and some crockery last weekend and have made a good fist of sorting out finances (well a start anyway). I have reminded him about a van and said what bits of furniture he might like to take. I have arranged to spend some time at weekend sorting through our belongings that are in my mother's loft so it is easy for him to get them. I have also found solicitors!

In the meantime he has not even made enquiries about a place to live. He said this afternoon he was tired, wanted to go to sleep and never wake up and did not know what he wanted. I suggested the dr and that if he was feeling so unsure that he moved in to his sisters for a while. She has a spare room and wi fi so he could work from there. He stated that he would not do that, it is 40 miles from here and he wants to be near boys.

I feel more and more sure that he will not be ready to move out on the 21st. I need to think through what I will do if that is the case. Maybe you were all right, perhaps I need to initiate divorce paperwork. I need to think about all possible scenarios and work out how much cash I will need next month and if I can afford to kick things off.

It might be time to tell my family. My brother is here at the moment and will not be back again until after d day so the timing makes sense form that point of view. It might be possible to prevent my brother and sister (I would need to tell her at the same time) from seeing boys over next three weeks. It is not a long time. Whether to tell mum is harder. She will see us all and is poor at keeping secrets! But, she will be upset, very upset, if the others know before her. I need to work out how to manage that. She will be upset anyway and will need support and reassurance. I think I am strong enough to help her now.

I am officially on annual leave so I did neither work nor decorating. Instead have had a long damp walk! Good job I have no reason to worry about what my hair looks like! The book is a pretty boring non fiction one with a limited audience (and next to no cash - just kudos). Just feels like I got something right. Boys number one and three here (husband at footie), they are lovely. I did something right there too.

When to tell your family must be a difficult one. I think though, that you need the support now, so if that means telling some but not all of them, then so be it. Hopefully your mum will understand that, or otherwise can you persuade the others to not let her know they knew first?

I also think it is time to get the ball rolling, even if only slowly, with solicitors. We is just not getting it, is he? He needs something concrete.

yes

It does seem he is either hoping it will all go away if he pays no attention, or that by magic everything will happen without his input.

Dn't worry about his not having looked for anywhere to live. He can go to his mum's, if it comes tp it.

You do need to kick things off solicitor-wise, if you can. He may sit up and take you seriously if he gets a legal document.

You are doing brilliantly, you know.

I think he will refuse rather than go to stay with his family.

By the way. It is raining again here and I have an itchy sore throat. There should be really low pollen. How annoying.

Sorry that was supposed to end with a request for hay fever tips! Oh wise women of mumsnet please sort hay fever before starting g the day job of ensuring world peace.

My hayfever is really bad this year so far, in spite of the rain. I'm using beconase and opticrom daily, and strong anti-histamines from the Dr on days when I'm outside a lot (do a lot of walking).

I guess you could either kick things off with an official letter from a solicitor, notifying him of your legal separation from xx date, or serve him divorce papers via the DIY route. There seem to be quite a few online sites giving advice or support for DIY divorce. Either way, hopefully that will be the kick up the bum he needs.

The co op do a sort of DIY divorce with advice paid for when required. It looks like a good package. It costs extra if you are the one initiating it which is fair but doesn't seem it.

Have taken antihistamine and throat easing. I feel so sorry for kids with hay fever at exam times. Must be horrible. The pile of tissues must be off putting. :(.

I'd start by telling your DBro. Perhaps you could tell your DBro one week, then your DSis the next.

If your mum is liable to blab then sorry but do not risk telling her ahead of your sons. She may feel offended she was the last to know, bluntly there are times in life when a parent's tender sensitivities have to take second place to their adult children's lives.

If you doubt H will be preparing to leave on 21st, I think Agatha's suggestion of a formal solicitor's letter is the best way to go, as Jux says it is the most likely way to light a fire under him, so to speak.

Like a child he thinks if he can possibly hide from what is happening it somehow won't come to pass. As ever he puts your wishes and requirements at the back of his to-do list.

I am sorry about the hayfever troubling you, do you use eye drops?

Eye drops - yes! It is not that bad at all and the antihistamine has worked a treat. Just wondered because I thought rain would dampen everything down.

I will try and see brother at weekend. Perhaps all go for a walk and I could separate him from the children. Need to think about how to find time, I would rather not email him although that might be the safest option. Would need to tell sister at the same time, the fall out would be horrific if I didn't. You are right about not telling my mother, I just cant risk it.

Any leakage now would ruin what I have tried to do over the last few weeks. I am convinced that sons number one and three are both vaguely aware that we are not happy but have no idea of the severity and the future upheaval. Son number two has I think not really twigged at all. At the very least we have avoided giving an excuse for failing his exams - on which topic, time to get him up and doing some work!

I don't have personal experience of this but am told by friends that school-age children worry first and foremost, Where will we live, will we have to move school, what happens at Christmas, then perhaps Will Daddy be lonely? (NB rarely ask will Mummy be lonely, perhaps because they think that mummy will be busy looking after them, lots to do, whether she works outside the home or not she will never be bored).

I don't know about teens, they will presumably be concerned for both of you, and wonder about finances and yes, how it will impact on them. They may have an inkling already, they may be astonished, upset. They may ask, is anyone else involved? They still have you both, just as individuals, and importantly, each other.

Number one will worry about finances. Mainly I suspect because he is currently not paying any keep despite earning. The idea is to help him get a some savings together in order to move out at some point.

Son number two will probably not even consider money! He is more likely to worry about our well being though.

Son number three will be somewhere in between. He is very money aware and that will trouble him a little until sorted and explained. He is also likely to worry about how we all are.

All will want to know if there is anyone else involved - I am fairly confident the truthful answer is no. I really hope we can present this as sad but amicable.

I have just spent hours on wikivorce trying to get an idea of how to proceed and the possible financial settlements. Very informative site but must do some work!

He is ignoring me today. I guess the message got through yesterday then. Does not feel like a success though.

It must be hard living in a house with someone who is blowing hot and cold as he is. Hopefully you're right and the message did get through.

Not long to go.

Three weeks tomorrow he moves out, three weeks yesterday we tell the boys.

I don't know what to think really, I certainly do not know what I am feeling.

He says he has done nothing about leaving. I asked when he reminded me about an errand.