Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

I don't know what is going on in his mind. I know I am pretty bad. I asked him why he did not love me. I was crying. H esaud did I really want him o answer. I have made such a mess if our lives. I feel so useless. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world and he thinks I am not ok. How can he think we are worth nothing. How can he rather be in a flat on his own than with me and the boys. He said he felt bad that he allowed his sport to get in the way of doing things with the boys.

He said that he could not love me like I wanted. Is it so daft to want to feel loved. Maybe it is. He said we had more than most couple our age. Am I being stupid thinking that there is more in life. I told him today I was scared if him, about money and others bits. He laughed at me saying he would never hit me. Imtoldmhim that the coldness he shown was as bad.

I am what you think

Try not to talk about it. He's a grown man and he knows what he feels and thinks. He's not going to change it, if he wanted you he would do what he could to get you back, he's not doing that.

You need to let him go. He will be fine, you will be fine.

You can't make someone love you. You can't put a broken jug back together again. He thinks you should settle for some housemate arrangement with the occasional bed share for old times' sake if you have enough wine. And he reckons most couples your age have nothing better? Gee thanks Mr Fuckity. I think he under-estimates you. He has a high opinion of himself and can't believe you might do better without him. Please don't waste breath appealing to his better nature. As soon as DS2 is finished with exams call H a taxi to his mother's. Tell him to sling his hook. Adieu not au revoir.

I have made such a mess if our lives. I feel so useless. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world and he thinks I am not ok - you haven't made a mess, he has. He shagged around, not you. He treats you with cold disdain, you didn't ask for or deserve that.

I wish you could see that it is him that is lacking, in all ways. He has not been a good enough father "He said he felt bad that he allowed his sport to get in the way of doing things with the boys" - he admits that, yet still he doesn't try to correct it. Still he is playing games with you and therefore with them. He has not been a good enough husband - he knows that, yet still wants to prolong this and hurt you more. Those are not signs of a good man. They are signs of a man with something deeply lacking. Yet, you have tried with him (for far longer than many women would), you have been there for your boys and will continue to be. How can you possibly think it is you at fault here?

You said I am what you think. I think you are a strong, giving, forgiving and loving woman. There is plenty of evidence in this thread of those traits in you. You are a good person. One day, when you are free of this mess that he has made, you will recognise that. In the meantime, I would really strongly urge to you try for some counselling for yourself. He has stamped you down so far that you cannot see what is obvious to everyone else. You are a good person. He is cruel, self-centred and weak.

That bought yet more tears to my eyes. I just don't understand why if half if what you say is true he thinks we are so worthless. It does not make sense.

Five years' ago he lacked the guts and backbone to say fuckity, we need to talk, I'm not happy, can we discuss our marriage, I think we've lost something.

Instead he had an affair. Instead of being contrite he tried to weasel his way out of admitting he'd let you down not least at a time when you were physically struggling.

Who knows how long it took to build that level of intimacy with that OW. Who knows if he tried it on with others before or after her, who rejected him.

Some might say 25 years without going astray is pretty good going. Some might say putting up with his ego and an affair is enough to test the patience of a saint.

In a relationship we bear equal responsibility to be honest and show our partner respect. Don't let this man make you feel unreasonably idealistic for expecting either.

FB, you are brave and strong.

When people here say it is not you, please believe them. It is NOT you.

He has not been a good father, he has not been a good husband. He has been absent, he has been dishonest, he has been cowardly.

What he is doing now is excusing himself. He is finding excuses for everything he has done wrong, and then trying to lay those wrongs at your door, telling you that it's all your fault.

It's not.
Really, it's not.
I promise.

I just don't understand why if half if what you say is true he thinks we are so worthless - you are giving one man's opinion of you far too much credibility and weight.

I'm sure you have other people in your life - friends, family, children, colleagues, people on this thread even - who respect you, who like you, who love you, who would stick up for you. Why is his opinion worth more than theirs?

Because he knows me

Going round in circles here. He plays on your insecurities, sees what he wants to. It suits him to label you and think, this is how fuckity is, she will tolerate all manner of whatever I see fit to dish out.

Because he knows me

He knows how to manipulate me.

There, corrected that sentence for you.

Be careful FB you may be setting yourself up to fail. I sense that you are subconsciously making it feel as though it's insurmountable and he's bigger than he is and you are weaker than you really are.

It is understandable, you have been together for so long, you both know each other inside out, it's like cutting off a limb and that's painful. I think it's time to start looking at the future without him, accept that he will move on, wish him well and focus on what's next for you, where you and your children will be and how in the future everything will be better.

He knows how to push your buttons. Worse - he likes to push your buttons.

It suits him to have you take the blame for all of this because that very neatly absolves him of any wrongdoing (in his mind). He doesn't actually give a flying fuck that his belittling of you is rubbing off and making you loathe yourself. His aim is to improve his own self-esteem at the expense of yours.

These are deeply entrenched habits between the two of you. They may take some unpicking. That is why I think you need some counselling or other therapy, so that you can sit and pick it all to pieces with professional support.

Have you talked about this aspect of your relationship with your close friends? I'm sure they would say what we are saying.

I can't talk to too many people until the boys know. I really do not see him as the manipulative hit you guys see. Weak yes, but not manipulative. It is impossible to over estimate the effect of his memory loss. His biographical history is being badly affected and that has a knock on effect on our relationship, his identity and is also a factor, I am sure, in his current low mood or depression. It is also absolutely believable that he does not remember everything he has said to me a few minutes ago or last week. After we have spoken h is confused about why everything feels so bad. None of this is all the time it is patchy and unpredictable. He recognises how much worse it is now and is increasing his anticonvulsants.

Of course none of this has any impact on him seeing me and not loving me. But I wonder how much love in long term relationships is underpinned by memories of life together and how attractive the other person was. Does my the memory of that influence how you see the Middle Aged overweight person in front of you?

The fact remains that I have has enough of not feeling valued or loved by my partner but can you see how very collect it all is? I am so worried about him. I don't think he ha a clue about how much of his life only happens because I make it so.

Only you know if you can perpetually grant him immunity from any hurtful actions or words. You haven't mentioned him cutting DCs down to size, nor cold shouldering and goading them. If he truly has a disorder that enables him to come out with the mot juste when it works in his favour, and at any other time explains away any selfish attitude that so frequently and adroitly leaves you upset or in tears, so be it.

Mmm, yes, the manifestation of his disorder does seem awfully convenient, Donkeys.

No, he does not treat the boys with disdain.

I so want to tell him to fuck off. I can't keep doing this. Three weeks. I just need to do that. 21 days. I wish that was not until my anniversary. What uvkingnluck is that

I do feel disappointed him and a little angry, I need to make that bit bigger than the bit that hurts and worries about how he is. He did some hoovering today and being the wuss I am I just night about everything being down to me in the future. I cried which just makes everything absolutely everything worse. I need to find a backbone to use a mum sent phrase.

I know I will be ok with boys. I just need to be ok for this bit.

By the way, the epilepsy and memory issues are not at all convenient. They are a huge huge issue for all so us. Boys not least. I am thinking about doing a life story book I don't know if I will. It seems like a really nice thing to give him, might make me feel better too.

Last night I dreamt his mum and sisters still wanted to be in touch with me and see me. I know that is rubbish. Wish I could see all my other dreams are rubbish

Ok a new day. Am dying hair and will read in the bath while conditioning. Shortly afer this he will be out until evening. This afternoon I will get some more work done, do a little housework as I have a friend (of mine) coming to stay tomorrow before walking the dog.

Today will be ok

I do not think his memory issues are an excuse whatsoever. Sadly though they are a factor in this mess. I can no longer live with feeling second rate. My choice.

The fact that you are concerned for his well-being is a huge issue, you can't underestimate that you feel a duty to look after him. My guess is that once you leave some other support network will kick in for him, he will find another person or a group of people who will take that responsibility away from you.

His memory loss will undoubtedly play a part in the relationship - his sense of duty towards you will have diminished because some of the memories of moments that bind you will have gone.

Added to that your need for him to just be there, the hole that will be left when he's gone. It's all very painful but you know that when you weigh up the pro and cons of your relationship over time, there is a negative deficit. That won't change and you need to make space for someone to bring you out of the red and into the black again. With interest of course!

Ooh I do like an analogy from time to time.

No work done. Some more decorating instead. Small moves forward.

This morning he pooed in the bathroom, while my bath was running. That I will not miss!

Thinking about increased space on wardrobes etc, another bonus.

I like bedroom windows wide open even if cold, he likes them closed.

Little things will keep trying to think of others. I am trying to see the positives however small. They has to be practical as emotional stuff must be ignored for now if I am going to stay calm. Any suggestions?

fb you could write that stuff down. You might like to keep checking it and adding to it.

Hope your weekend is ok.

Feeling really sad today. Dosing things to the house with the regulation bank holiday trip to the DIY store. This is surreal. Rolll on the end of the exams. Feel a bit sick. Very tired. He seems to keep forgetting that he is off although he did say yesterday he needs to stop messing me around.

Not too long to go now. Every day is one less. He does need to stop messing you around, but very soon he will be very much less able to. Perhaps ask him if he is booking a van to shift his stuff on xx date? Just to remind him that it is still final. If he says no, suggest he books one or asks around for help moving.

I have done the van thing. Yesterday he said he would stay, spthatbwe could sort this out. I was waiting for this. He did not say he has made a mistake, the most he said is that he did not want to upset me. He also muttered about feeling so down and not know ing what would make him happy. I replied that I did not want to live with someone who did not love me. I wish I had said I did not want to stay married to someone who could be so selfish and cruel. I should have been much clearer. At least I did not cave totally.

Time to read through this thread from the start I think.

Agatha you will never really know how much I appreciate you staying with me. I check this thread so often. I know most believe I will fail to maintain any kind of self respect again. You are so encouraging. I can't live like this.