Thirty years

[fuckitybollocks]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Oh dear kitty you have just hit the nail on the head. Family wants to keep everything the same and keep me 'needy of them' but at the same time 'cared for by him'. (in my case - not sure about fb - a bit of projection going on here)

Is your female friend who's a solicitor a loyal friend or the one you don't fully trust? It could help if you have someone in your corner who can help tackle prosaic stuff. The momentum of starting things off could carry you through the upset of initiating this break.

I think things have moved on. I have spreadsheets, two. One with all assess and liabilities that is pretty complete it just needs CETV and I have sent off for mine. I have also arranged to get figures for amalgamating all my little bits of pensions. The other has a monthly budget thing. This is not yet complete.

The lawyer friend is utterly trustworthy although not for legal ad ice! She has spent many years in compliance. She would come to legal things with me but it would be very hard to organise around both our work schedules. We shall see. She will be a god sounding board anyway. I have a male friend who went brought an acrimonious divorce a few years ago. He might be best for attending with me. No rush for this as yet though.

I have a builder starting on Tuesday to get some essential work done while there are still two incomes to pay the bills...

I go into hospital tomorrow and have arranged stuff to cover this.

I advanced done a fair amount if research looking at how a finial settlement might be achieved. There is insufficient funds for a clean break. I have also looked out paperwork that demonstrates that the capital in the house is mine, although I am we'll aware that in law it is a matrimonial asset.

I have also got new glasses!

Considering that I have nit been fit this week, and that I am still very sad and stressed I think I have down well. What is absolutely more to the pint home has been settled and stable as far as my sons are concerned and we have commenced a revision timetable.

I have ruled out telling more people at present. I do not want to defeat e primary purpose ie keeping the finality of it all form the boys. It is good in a way that I have had a bad bone week as it is easy for them to imagine that any tears they might be aware of, separate sleepi at times, and general short tempered ness is due to that.

Good luck in hospital tomorrow.

Thanks. I am not looking forward to it. I do not really want my husband to pick me up in case I am tearful after the anaesthetic. Oh well.

Thirty years FB, that's how long you've been with this man. I think, in just a few days, you've come such a long way. You've spent most of your life with this man, and I can relate to how a future without him feels like you're having your right arm cut off. That's how I felt. I think you are doing really well, and good luck with the op. You should feel proud of yourself. When you've recovered from the op, take small steps, towards a better future. See CAB, get a solicitor, and take it from there. You're doing well, you really are.

Thanks.

I know people have doubted me but I so feel more confident I can do it this time.

I don't doubt you, I totally understand how big a change this is for you. Small steps. X

X

Almost a whole day without tears. First for a wee while. Am pleased.

fuckitybollocks that is brilliant. good luck tomorrow, and you can do this x

Tears for him are one thing, tears for yourself regarding him are another. You have been under considerable strain and better to shed a few tears than lug them around bottling them up. He is probably used to them so don't worry about him taking any notice. If anything he will misjudge your growing determination.

They're not necessarily a sign of weakness if you can say to yourself well this hurts like pulling a splinter out but has to be gone through and then you start to cry less and feel better.

Oh I hope so. Was the only one who came to the ward alone and unfortunately sitting here is even with a book insufficient to stop me being weepy. And that is before I have a anything done! I hate this when will these pretty in voluntary tears cease?

You are doing do well. Tears today are inevitable but they will not be for him but for you. I'm late 40s and just emerging from a marriage and it is hard - whatever anyone says - we all had dreams of the future etc and now those dreams have changed. However we will get new dreams which will be even better! Good luck for today. X

With you in spirit, take it easy today.

I really really hope today was the low point the only way is up and until then 'keep on keeping on'.

The friend I worry about called in with roses, she is stalwart in some ways even though she made a terrible mistake and if I am honest I don't feel entirely secure.

I am so desperate to go back to work Tuesday. I really want to do it. If anyone has energy to spare for positive wishes please keep your fingers crossed for this for me.

Just in case it was not bad enough after crying for most of the last two hours I asked him What i could do so he would lov me. In the course of that conversation he pointed out we would tell the boys that I did not want to live wih him (prob missing out the because he did not love me) so boys would know why he left. I askd him how I could be good enough, he said almost angrily we can sort it out. Meaning he would stay unde duress. I said no and went to bed. I have asked him to sleep on sofa, boys know I am a little sore and tearful post treatment so it will be ok.

Very very very sad, but the last times we have gone through this cycle I would be in bed with him now. I stood a tiny bit firm by saying he could not sleep here tonight. No wonder he has no respect for me it is no more than I deserve.

Well done for starting to break the cycle, that's not an easy thing to do. Best wishes!

I have just read old thread (again). Shit. I am such a fool. He us still downstairs on sofa though. But I would give almost everything to feel that he loved me.

Today has been hard be motions run higher after sedation. I underestimated hoe lonely it would feel being in hosp on own. Everyone lose in waiting room had something there. I leant too much on son 1 in that he was coming to get me. He was still too pissed this morning and could not drive. I had album discharged myself and by that time was sitting at roundabout outside hosp feeling a little shaky and v cold. Had to ring my sister she was great in that she came to get me but it was an hour wasted on her busy day.

This eve son no two sore at me. I cried and cried. The poor Lad thinks all the upset was due to him. It was not. It was jus the straw after a very low day.

I ish I had not read old thread . This is hopeless, not the divorce I think that is inevitable but me being person I feel inside on the outside. I am alone and that is a consequence of my behaviour. I think I have tested husband by driving him away because I did not know how else to feel good enough. Wel this time we both appear more determined to move on. Who can blame him. I cry and he clealy thanks I am pathetic there is little compassion. And no love.

You know if he was ill and in hosp and I was unable to be with him I would feel nearly as bad as I do now? Except now I feel utterly ejected and useless

Reading old thread. This is hopeless. We will spilt but I will still be useless. I wish I was not me.

Don't know what to say, except that I am reading and listening and with you in spirit.

You are not useless. You have come a long way. Sorting the practicalities is a good first step, but the emotions may take time to catch up.

Don't slip back now... Plough on. I am sure you will begin to feel considerably more valuable once you are not living in a soul-destroying relationship. Chin up. We may stumble and even fall a few times but we will get there in the end.

Yes we will :)

V small consolation prize - he looks like he did not sleep well... miaowww

Sorry to hear you're having a wobbly.

You invested so much in the marriage when it was already dead - instead you need to be focusing on yourself, rebuilding your life, developing your interests and work as well as a network of friends.

That way you will feel stronger and have better self esteem.

It will get easier.

Hello again you were almost bound to feel low after the hospital. I don't get why you being alone should be the "consequence of your behaviour", why is it your fault? You make yourself sound like a booby prize.

Your H grew discontented, that doesn't mean you failed him. He wanted something fresh and different after a very long relationship, not better, not more valuable. Plenty of women gain extra pounds, or smoke, or face up to illness, their partners don't go off and have an affair. Plenty of women are faithful loving wives, their partners still go and cheat on them. Don't look on this as you being wet or pathetic or useless. By the sound of it H hasn't exerted himself.

At present you are at a very low ebb, emotionally and physically, as we all find at times it is tiring feeling exhausted! One person decides he isn't in love with you, but you have your sons, you have your parents, you have your family and friends. By anyone's standard that is worth having. Your self-respect has taken a battering but you can do this.

I am a lot better this morning every way. The list form the hosp yesterday included don't drive don't use cooker don't make legal decisions. Think we should add don't get involved in conversations with men who don't give a monkeys!!!

Have suggested putting house on my name. Has advantages for him too in that he would be able to the out a mortgage. Hopefully that will come about. Let him think for a while.

Back to work tomorrow, really can't wait!