Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Those of you in healthy relationships - is this reaction abnormal?

93 replies

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 19:04

I'm so confused I'm not sure what's normal and what isn't. Basically last week dh asked me to go to the post office to post a parcel for him. I'm not sure why I had to as we both work ft but I duly obliged.

Today he asked whether I'd checked the signature as he's not had a refund. I replied that I'd only posted it first class as he hadn't said to get it tracked. He basically replied I was an idiot and why else would he have checked that I could go to the post office. I said I just thought he wanted it weighing to check. the right postage

He then stormed off muttering that I can't be trusted to do anything and hasn't spoken to me since!

Is this how your dp's would react. If it was the other way round I'd have said "oh I meant for it to go recorded but sorry if I didn't make it clear. Still it's too late to change now. Let's hope it gets there"

Am I being stupid or has he over reacted. The parcel is worth £20 by the way

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:49

have a look at this excellent link here

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:49

Yes. I think womens aid might be an idea. I've seen them help lots on other threads. Will they help even though there is no violence? Also are they means tested as I have some savings which might count against me.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:49

I'm waiting for you to take him some coffee with eg two sugars in it and to be told that of course he's stopped taking sugar. Or similar.....

It's not a healthy relationship, OP.

Fairenuff · 14/04/2013 21:52

Judges, solicitors, police, they've seen it all before. They won't just take his word. You have rights. He is not above the law, no matter what he thinks, what he says. They won't take any crap from him.

And no, this is not normal. Please have a really good think about the advice you are getting here. It is all meant with kindness. You are worth more than this.

LemonPeculiarJones · 14/04/2013 21:52

You can't reason with him. He doesn't want an equal, rational exchange. He wants to be king shit and make you feel inadequate - so why would he concede anything at all?

A normal, rational person would have immediately conceded that they should have specified recorded delivery.

And no he can't take your dd away from you. He can't control the world or bend judges' minds - he's just done a great job of making you think he is powerful and you are powerless.

It's not true.

Take your power back. Leave.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:53

wiki definition of gaslighting here

a form of psychological manipulation, closely related to setting you up to fail here

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:53

Thanks af. I'll read that later. It looks a good starting point

OP posts:

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 21:54

People rarely post recorded. Normal = just the postage. He's messing you about.

And for the record, I consider myself to be in a 'normal' relationship and my DH would never, ever say something was just in my head.

Ionasky · 14/04/2013 21:54

He is being ridiculous, I would have done what you did re the parcel, as would most people and you also don't work for him, you were doing him a favour so it was on him to be clearer. Show him the thread... The way he makes you feel, that is no good at all...it'll affect your confidence over time.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:54

Thanks af.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:55

WA will advise you for free, over the phone

or you can email them

You don't have to be being physically abused, they recognise all forms of abuse such as emotional, psychological, financial and sexual

A solicitor is not free (some will offer the first half hour free though, and tell you the best way to proceed)

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:56

Jammy

Not so if it was an ebay return but if he knows enough to make RD important then he knows to point it out to the OP. He's mucking with her.

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:56

Cozie that brought a wry smile to me. Occasionally I'll make him a cup of tea without asking if he wants one when I'm making my own and I can literally see him getting twitchy that he's been given something he might not if wanted. And 9 times out of 10 he won't drink it or will say it tastes funny

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:56

I wouldn't recommend you show him this thread, love

keep this place just for yourself, and be sure to scrub your internet history x

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:57

Oh my, kimberlina - I was just imagining as well!

clam · 14/04/2013 21:58

I know the parcel is not the issue here really, but how can you post one without going to the Post Office? Every parcel needs to be weighed, so he's wrong to say that in asking you to go to the PO it must have meant going 'recorded.'

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 22:00

He was just havering. By tomorrow, he'll likely have it in his mind that kimberlina deliberately didn't post recorded against his instructions.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 22:00

OP, go and have a look at this thread here

The links at the top are second to none

Portofino · 14/04/2013 22:01

I wouldn't agree with showing him the thread! I would be making quiet plans for an exit. Quiet being the operative word.

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 22:01

Ah right, I stand corrected cozie. Not much of an ebayer so that would have caught me out too, though DH wouldn't blame me for his not having mentioned it.

Ionasky · 14/04/2013 22:01

Good point, af, thanks for correcting that.

Portofino · 14/04/2013 22:02

And anything AF suggested.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 22:03

I know how tempting it can be to try and make them see how wrong they are, iona

it's always a mistake though

if he was willing to concede that point, he would have already apologised to OP, and they would both have moved on

not so, here...there is a pattern....best not to give him more ammunition, IMO

UniqueAndAmazing · 14/04/2013 22:04

nothing to add above what everyone's put.

but in response to his response.

you take parcels to the post office to post. to get the correct postage on it.
there are FOUR types of basic posting, 3 of which are "tracked" . all can go first or second (dependjng on size and weight)

fwiw I send my dh to the post office at least twice a week, and every time I confirm to him gow I want it sending. it's usually 1st class, but if I want it signed for or special delivery, then I tell gim, then tell him again and then check that he understood.
because if I want it soecial, then I need to know that he knows it's important enough to go special.
if I don't specify, he will either check or send it 1st class standard.

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 22:08

It wasn't eBay Just a shop return. I wouldn't dare show him this thread even if I wanted to. I once showed him a bfeeding thread that I started cos I knew he was wrong (he was anti bf) and he totally dismissed it saying "of course they'll all side with the mother". He'd be more angry about this thread cos it's about him

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread