Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you in healthy relationships - is this reaction abnormal?

93 replies

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 19:04

I'm so confused I'm not sure what's normal and what isn't. Basically last week dh asked me to go to the post office to post a parcel for him. I'm not sure why I had to as we both work ft but I duly obliged.

Today he asked whether I'd checked the signature as he's not had a refund. I replied that I'd only posted it first class as he hadn't said to get it tracked. He basically replied I was an idiot and why else would he have checked that I could go to the post office. I said I just thought he wanted it weighing to check. the right postage

He then stormed off muttering that I can't be trusted to do anything and hasn't spoken to me since!

Is this how your dp's would react. If it was the other way round I'd have said "oh I meant for it to go recorded but sorry if I didn't make it clear. Still it's too late to change now. Let's hope it gets there"

Am I being stupid or has he over reacted. The parcel is worth £20 by the way

OP posts:
LaQueen · 14/04/2013 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 20:48

That's really sad LaQueen - does she realise how he's treating her?

CrapBag · 14/04/2013 21:27

"always being picked up on things I have not done right"

Sounds like a boss and employee, and not a good one, not someone in an equal relationship.

CrapBag · 14/04/2013 21:27

I am also interested in what his response would be if you said something like "well do it yourself next time."

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:33

If I said what af suggested I don't know what would happen. I suspect he would call me selfish, make some theatrical statement about never ever trusting me to do anything again and then would sulk for days.

He can be lovely but equally can be nasty. If he spoke to me at the start how he sometimes does now then he would have never got a 2nd date

OP posts:
Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:36

I don't feel equal :( he is older than me and I've never really felt that he values my opinions. That's bad isn't it

OP posts:
pictish · 14/04/2013 21:37

You know it is.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:38

Laqueen. I can so empathise with your mil. I have had times when I've done what I thought he wanted but in fact he really wanted something totally out if character.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:39

If he spoke to me at the start how he sometimes does now then he would have never got a 2nd date

So true. And who would give him a second date. ?

So you know the obvious thought process here, don't you love ?

Why would you share the most intimate times of your life, and waste the best years of it, with someone who treats you like this ?

pointythings · 14/04/2013 21:39

It's bad. It's really bad. You deserve better. Please start thinking about ways out, OP.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:39

That's setting you up, kimberlina. It's a form of abuse.

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 21:39

Do you feel like he's trying to catch you out / trip you up at all?

LemonPeculiarJones · 14/04/2013 21:39

If you wouldn't have accepted his nastiness on day one, OP, do not accept it now .

Yes, it is bad he doesn't value your opinions.

You do not have to be in this relationship.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:40

He is an inadequate person, kim

he needs to put you down to feel better about himself. This is what you are signed up to.

But you can change it.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:40

Ok Pictish but he would say I am equal and he does value my opinions and that everything is in my head. And then I wonder whether this is normal and everyone feels like this at times

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:42

No, the only time I have ever felt like this was when I was in a damaging and demoralising relationship

People in healthy relationships never feel like this

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:42

You do things you think he wants and then he acts out of character in response? This is not the way it should be.

foreverondiet · 14/04/2013 21:42

If he wanted it tracked he should have gone himself or at least said so. he is being unreasonable and your reaction is normal!

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:42

It also doesn't matter what he says

he can say the moon is made of green cheese

How he makes you feel is the only important thing

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:43

I can see I need out. I nearly left once before but he said he'd fight me for dd and he can be so nice and persuasive I'm sure he'd persuade any judge.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:44

Has anyone got a link for gaslighting for the OP?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:47

Ah. The "script"

he will "fight you for the dc"

Love. Stop listenign to him. he cannot do that.

Make an appt tomorrow with a solicitor specialising in family. Or ring Women's Aid and see what they say about his chances of "taking dd away from you"

They are empty threats, and will get him precisely nowhere in real life

he might be older than you, but his knowledge and maturity is sadly lacking

you however, need to take professional advice and gain some power back

expect a bumpy ride though

abusers like this never let you go easily once they scent you are waking up from the fog

even more reason to get out from under

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 21:47

family law

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 21:47

I went back and spoke to him and said that he never specifically asked for it to go recorded. He said that asking me to take it to the post office clearly meant recorded. I'm obviously meant to read his mind. I honestly thought he just wanted the correct postage on it.

OP posts:
Fairydogmother · 14/04/2013 21:49

Your husbands reaction sounds like my manager in work and I can barely tolerate her at the best of times.

There is no way in hell I'd take that from my partner!