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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you in healthy relationships - is this reaction abnormal?

93 replies

kimberlina · 14/04/2013 19:04

I'm so confused I'm not sure what's normal and what isn't. Basically last week dh asked me to go to the post office to post a parcel for him. I'm not sure why I had to as we both work ft but I duly obliged.

Today he asked whether I'd checked the signature as he's not had a refund. I replied that I'd only posted it first class as he hadn't said to get it tracked. He basically replied I was an idiot and why else would he have checked that I could go to the post office. I said I just thought he wanted it weighing to check. the right postage

He then stormed off muttering that I can't be trusted to do anything and hasn't spoken to me since!

Is this how your dp's would react. If it was the other way round I'd have said "oh I meant for it to go recorded but sorry if I didn't make it clear. Still it's too late to change now. Let's hope it gets there"

Am I being stupid or has he over reacted. The parcel is worth £20 by the way

OP posts:
Numberlock · 14/04/2013 19:05

Do you even need to ask?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 19:06

Your response is the "normal" one

His sounds like someone who has very little respect for you

Is that the case often ?

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 14/04/2013 19:06

total overreaction from your dh there.

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 19:09

Yeah, that is a bit of an odd reaction from him. If he didn't mention it, how's he expecting you to know?

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 19:10

Yes. This is fairly standard. I'm always being picked up on things I've not done right and they become this big thing I'm scared even to admit to. It's happened fir so long I just wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive or expecting too much

OP posts:
mateinthree · 14/04/2013 19:11

Rule of thumb is that if you need to ask, it isn't a normal reaction.

AnnieLobeseder · 14/04/2013 19:11

Not normal, a weird reaction. If you ask someone to do you a favour and don't give proper instructions, you have no reason to complain if they don't do it the way you would have liked, and the normal response to your situation would have been for him to apologise for not explaining properly.

lemonstartree · 14/04/2013 19:12

he is being an ARSE. TTFO. For good

AnnieLobeseder · 14/04/2013 19:13

Another rule of thumb. You should never be scared to admit anything to your partner, unless it's that you have run up thousands of pounds in gambling debts or are having an affair. You know, things where you are well aware that you have fucked up royally.

NotSoNervous · 14/04/2013 19:16

HIBU. Tell him next time he wants something doing to do it himself then he'll do it the "right" way.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/04/2013 19:17

Thanks all. I had my suspicions from lurking on this board but it seems my fears are real.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/04/2013 19:18

Well he never made his wishes clear, so that's his own fault. Don't accept the blame whatsoever.

If he's that underwhelmed by your efforts, from now on he can take care of such important business himself.

Rude.

JammySplodger · 14/04/2013 19:19

What would his reaction be if you had replied 'well bollocks to you, you do it next time'?

Numberlock · 14/04/2013 19:22

So what are you planning to do OP?

cinnamonsugar · 14/04/2013 19:24

Just in case you were still wondering, you are not being stupid and he is being nasty, childish and unreasonable.

Moknicker · 14/04/2013 19:24

It is undoubtedly an OTT reaction but are you going through a stressful period generally? My DH and I can blow things out of proportion when very stressed. The good thing is that we recognize that the (over) reaction is a function of the general stress and not the particular situation that has caused a blowup.

Apart from this, is he a loving and supportive husband who you get on well with? If yes, then the chances are this is probably being triggered by something else and try and find out what that is.

If not - i.e not loving supportive otherwise and no other stress points, then you need to nip this in the bud.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 19:27

If it was that important - I'm guessing an ebay return - then he should have been quite precise. Sounds to me like setting you up to fail, I'm afraid.

schobe · 14/04/2013 19:29

Definitely not normal.

Having invisible (and changeable) 'rules' is a very effective way of controlling someone and have them hopping around desperately trying to avoid breaking said 'rules' and incurring displeasure/punishment.

pregnantpause · 14/04/2013 19:32

Not normal. But you know that. If he regularly puts you down and belittles you, then what love has he for you? What about respect for you?

This I'm sure, is a small snapshot of your marriage. It's not a nice one. Only you can step back and look at the bigger picture. How much of that picture is 'happy,, normal marriage?' How much does that picture reflect what you wanted your marriage to be? From the little you've told us here it seems he is systematically working to break your self esteem and self worth.Sad not a nice or normal trait.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 19:32

OP, what would he say if you countered with "next time you do it, I refuse to spoken to like that, I am not your servant and I am certainly not your whipping boy"

Be honest, love

mcmooncup · 14/04/2013 19:32

I agree with everyone else that it is not normal. And not pleasant.

The words you use in your OP (e.g. I duly obliged, justifying what you did despite him being rude to you) also suggest that you see yourself as inferior to him, and he sees himself as the 'head of the household'.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 19:32

be

overmydeadbody · 14/04/2013 19:34

Definitely not normal, but you know that already don't you.

No way would my DP or I do that to each other.

Fairenuff · 14/04/2013 19:34

I'm always being picked up on things I've not done right and they become this big thing I'm scared even to admit to

It sounds like he is doing it on purpose. He set you up. Does he ever do things and then deny it, saying you've imagined it?

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 19:43

It was a No Win situation for the OP. Sent Recorded and she was 'wasting his money' if it got there. Sent First and she was 'jeopardising his return'. Not giving any precise instructions means he comes out on top either way.