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Original poster

Dating thread no 51

999 replies

JulietteMontague · 13/04/2013 12:59

All tales of online and real life dating here!

OP posts:
WarmFuzzyFun · 22/04/2013 11:40

Waves at Flipper and Mercury

Grin@ 'no likey, no bitey'

WarmFuzzyFun · 22/04/2013 11:42

Bant, it is obvious you like her quite a lot. How much longer have you two got before geography gets in the way?

Because it might not be worth 're-engineering' her flow if it is just a few weeks...I think.

mercury7 · 22/04/2013 11:44

appreciate that things arent quite symmetrical but I'd still think a woman would sense that her partner just wasnt into a certain thing?

discussing it sounds like a better idea than breaking it off:)

mercury7 · 22/04/2013 11:46

i'm sure I've heard that human bites are worse than dog bites for infectionsConfused

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 22/04/2013 11:48

bant you absolutely don't have to do anything you're not ok with, and as for her doing stuff to you that you don't like, no. You have a great time together so if you're thinking of calling it a day that's probably your gut telling you it's not right for you. Far better to keep the memories and maybe friendship than have it all go too far. It's insistence most times and the escalation that would worry me.

OP posts:
KinNora · 22/04/2013 11:53

Snape yes, he got in touch with me, just a brief message about doing 'stuff in his life' as his opening gambit.

Bant talk to her about it ( but I think the choking is slightly unusual)

I have been awarded four stars by a man on okc whose profile photo is him naked, on all fours on a bed, head down, wearing a collar and lead. Do you think he just wants to be taken for a quick trip around the block ?

Snapespeare · 22/04/2013 11:54

kin I've dated him as well not really

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 22/04/2013 11:55

I'm on a train and crossed posts big time there. Didn't realise you hadn't talked about it. She might well think that's the norm, there is a definite shift towards gymnastics and exploring personal alleyways whilst dressed as the Count of Montecristo, and that's just on the first date for some Confused

OP posts:
mercury7 · 22/04/2013 11:56

strangely enough I had a dream last night where my first husband was trying to strangle me...
choking must be in the ether Confused

KinNora · 22/04/2013 11:59

Snape he sounds like a lovely bloke apart from the cat stuff

Arf at 'Count of Monte Cristo'

Flipper924 · 22/04/2013 12:03
VelvetSpoon · 22/04/2013 13:25

So, a bit of advice required, I think I'm already decided, but...

When I thought it was all over with C last week I put up a profile.
Thought I should probably go back on and hide it as (although I know you all think I'm mad!) I don't really want to be actively looking for anyone else. And I had a message from a guy I was in contact with last Spring. I can't remember if I gave him a name on here at the time, but we spent a few weeks messaging, and chatted a lot on the phone too (even though I am usually quite phone averse!). We then arranged to meet for lunch 3 times and he cancelled EVERY time. After the last one, I said lets forget it or something like that and deleted his number.

And now he's messaged me basically saying he's sorry he messed me around and can I give him another chance? Now I'm (slightly) flattered he still remembers me after nearly a year. He is very attractive, judging by his photos. BUT he has a v complicated life from what I remember (a lot of children - more than 4 from memory, a high stress job, financial problems) AND there is something about all of it, the way he behaved before, his profile, I don't know that just sets my spidey senses tingling Hmm

So I think I might just ignore his message...right thing to do?

TigsytheTiger · 22/04/2013 13:38

busy, busy at work, just logged on for a quick read and nearly spat my coffee out at Kin, Do you think he just wants to be taken for a quick trip around the block ? try answering the question, what are YOU reading?!!

Bant agree with all the advice ^, everyone has different levels of kink that they do or don't like, but hands round the neck sounds a bit ominous to me.

Velvet I think I would be tempted to give him one chance and one chance only, if he cancels this time then BIN! even if he is just a distraction from C and confirms what you already feel, then that won't be a bad thing!

Feeling much happier this morning, Mr EA came over last night, told him I was feeling a bit blue and why and I got a big hug and lots of lovely sex and all is right with the world. I like that I can tell him anything and there is no judgement or questions or telling me what I am or aren't feeling, just acceptance and love. I'm not used to someone who is so straightforward Hmm

oh and Flipper no likey, no bitey Grin Grin

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 22/04/2013 13:43

Bant if you can look Buffy in the eye tonight without thinking 'no likely no bitey' you'll be doing well Grin

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 22/04/2013 13:49

Why don't you leave your profile up for a while, Velvet and see if anything comes of it?

No harm on going on a date with this bloke like Tigsy said but he doesn't sound like a long-term prospect. But his life might have changed a bit in the last year, might be more settled and stable. It's worth giving him a go, maybe.

How's things with Dutch today Juliette?

Snapespeare · 22/04/2013 13:52

velvet i'd avoid him like the plague, but keep my profile up and make sure it was hidden from Cuthbert

ike1 · 22/04/2013 14:53

That strangling stuff is next level shit Bant ....a big nope in my book! And you know what I think biters and suckers can do...

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 22/04/2013 14:55

Hi thread

Am a very long time lurker and would like to come and play if that's ok?

Have been single (divorced) for a few years now after a very long relationship, and am just starting to think that I'm ready to start having sex dating again.

I've just set up on OKCupid, but haven't been brave enough to put my picture up yet (which makes it all rather pointless). Am also a bit terrified that I will end up meeting an abuser. (I've never been in an abusive relationship myself, but there is family history).

So, I guess what I'm asking is, how do I find the courage to get past THE FEAR? Or, does the fact that I have THE FEAR mean that I'm not ready for on-line dating Confused.

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 22/04/2013 14:58

OWW Dutch is all good, we wrote each other a fair bit this morning as he's on the boat and I've been traveling to my Mums.

My Mum is very elderly, it's clear she can't take care of herself, I've just been through the fridge and thrown out food over a year out of date. Only went in there to take out shelves to run through dishwasher Sad. She is 3 hrs away from me, will just lie or deny if challenged. It's always been very sad coming here but now I don't know what to do. No other relatives at all, neighbors also getting too old to help plus when they help she kind of expects more. Also I'm confusing her SadHmm

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 22/04/2013 15:01

I am really not sure about giving 3 time cancelling bloke another chance. I'm just not convinced he's terribly genuine...

And re leaving my profile up, I don't know if I should Confused. I wouldn't want to think C was still looking for other dates, so surely in that case I shouldn't be? Or am I looking at this wrong?

OhWesternWind · 22/04/2013 15:11

Oh Juliette that is very sad and very difficult. I wonder if SS could provide a home-help type service that could keep her going independently for a while longer? But all this must be so very hard on a personal level, especially if she's getting a bit defensive about things. Maybe having a chat with her GP and the local social services adult team would be the way forward? Hugs to you though.

Hey there Hey! I wonder why you are so worried about meeting an abuser? I have met a lot of pleasant, slightly dull men whilst I've been dating - the worst two were a very, very tedious individual and a bloke with octopus tendencies, but all very normal and sane. I think there are a lot of odd/flaky/messed up men out there on dating sites, but there are in the general population too, and as long as you're aware of red flags to look out for and take things steady (see The Rules on page 1) you will be alright.

lubeybooby · 22/04/2013 15:16

Velvet you keep your profile and keep dating until it's mutually decided you're in a monogamous relationship. (please, please do this)

If C saw it then 1) he's looking too and 2) he shouldn't be RIDICULOUS knob taking nearly a year now to get.... nowhere.... and have snapped you up!

KinNora · 22/04/2013 15:23

Velvet what Lubey said up there ^

Juliette, talk to her GP, I'm sure this is the kind of issue they're used to tiptoeing around very carefully. There seems to be something of a current trend for keeping elderly people at home, with support services for as long as possible.

Bant · 22/04/2013 15:55

Oh it hasn't gone as far as choking, just.. I get the feeling that's where she wants to go next given the escalation, the 'hold me by the throat'... that stuff. I'm not going to do anything I find horrific. Part of the fun of someone new is finding out things you like you've never tried before, I suppose. I just.. don't like that.

Velvet - C has been clear he's not ready for a relationship. All he is at the moment is FWB with the possible potential that it may become more when he's ready to move on. If that's all you want (and it isn't) then take down the profile. If you want more, you might meet someone who makes you feel as good as or better than C does.

And as Lubey says, he'll only find out if he's looking too, or if you cancel on him to date someone you prefer.

VelvetSpoon · 22/04/2013 16:22

I've come to a decision and hidden my profile. I may go back and delete it completely in a few days, not sure yet.

I would feel disingenuous leaving it up, and that isn't me. Plus I really don't think I'm missing out, if the 40 or so one word messages I'd had since last week (other than the one from the canceller, who I'm trusting my instinct over and won't be contacting) are anything to go by. There's not one man I'd even bother to reply to, let alone consider a date with. And given that in my experience most men on dating sites aren't actually looking for relationships - or certainly not with anyone like me - the chances of meeting someone I liked even half as much as I do C, and who wanted/was ready for a relationship seems pretty remote.