Dating thread no 51

[JulietteMontague]

All tales of online and real life dating here!

western I'm so sorry to hear about all the stuff with your mum, I have no useful advice but it sounds as though you have handled it well. I hope it can be worked out somehow.

Scatty I was thinking of you the other day, so pleased things are improving for you, and that you had a nice few days away with the fireman.

So, I heard from C today. He text me saying he was sorry for not being in contact, explained why he's not been around/available, and basically that he misses me and wants to see me again soon and hopes we can arrange something....so I clearly shouldn't have been so hasty to assume the worst when I didn't hear from him . Sorry for getting you all to sympathise with me when the worst hadn't happened, I feel a bit of a charlatan now.

Velvet, I'm really glad C has text. I don't like his lack of availability, but he does sound like a good bloke, and as if he cares. He might well need to be taking things slowly at the moment, rather than not at all?

Nora, don't forget Tintin. Possibly one of the best things to ever come out of Belgium.

OWW, your situation sounds hellish, but you are warm, and lovely, and kind, and oh, so very strong. You will find a way through this, lovely, and all will be well. Not relevant at the moment, but do you think that having a mother who sounds like she's always been a bit emotionally abusive could have set you up to accept an abusive relationship with a man? I'm probably projecting my own life onto you here!

Going to be a bit 'me' now, but I'm off to this wedding today, that ex will be at with OW. I am absolutely petrified, I've been getting pains in my arms for a month that I'm sure are down to stress, I hardly slept a wink last night, and I don't know why.

Everyone else that knows him and is going to the wedding, including his own daughter (though she loves him) thinks he's an unpleasant, nasty little worm, and that I am completely out of his league. I know this.

I have had my hair and nails done, I have a dress that I love, and jewellery that makes me feel special. I have done everything I possibly can to feel good about myself, and rl friends have been falling over themselves to offer support. Ex won't be aggressive, if anything he'll just ignore me, and although it's hard seeing your ex with someone new, I don't think it's that that's upsetting me. What am I scared of, dear thread? And how can I handle it?

Hi flipper if it was me I'd be worried about a potential confrontation .. You go and have an amazing time

OWWhope you get things resolved soon

velvet I think C is keeping you on a string .. You deserve better

Morning all

Sorry velv I agree with kirsty -I am happy that you are happy that he has text upu but think you deserve way more! this isn't a good way to start a relationship. It is always on his terms and about what he wants. You need to consider your needs and wants. You deserve more than crumbs.

Oh flip - well done you on getting yourself in the best possible shape for today. I would be the same. No brill ideas on what to do apart from act with complete grace and composure. No snidey looks, no bad mouthing just twirl through the room acting as if you are not bothered in the slightest. People will flock to you and that in itself will make your ex and his new woman feel uncomfortable. Good luck!!!

Oh Flipper you'll get through the day fine. You will look fabulous and you are fabulous. And brave too. It must be very difficult seeing your ex again whatever the circumstances and these aren't the best. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to wish you well and you'll have got over a big hurdle, whatever the reason is for you feeling bad, by the end of the day.

Morning everyone, after beings single for just over a year now I have recently started looking online at some of the free dating sites. Having not had much joy, I was wondering if anyone has tried eharmony?

I have just had a look but it seems quite steep at over a hundred pounds to join.

Well I went to the Pof singles night that had over 170 people attending and guess what? There was in total less then 10 people!!!

So my friend was meant to be staying at mine but when home with her boyfriend, and guess what I did? I called mrworkaholic! He came over we slept together and was talking shit and telling me he loves me!

When he last tried to contact me i replied saying I was engaged which I know he would assume that it was to dds dad. And now that doesn't look too good considering I slept with him last night typical!!!!

Good morning everybody,

Velvet I'm really glad Cuthbert has texted but I think he sounds very much wrapped up in himself, to the detriment of his relationship with you. I know you've said before that the level of contact he offers is acceptable to you for the time being because you value what he offers but I very much think you should keep your options open and not discount any other likely looking candidates who cross your path.

Flipper you will look stunning, you will swan about the wedding, radiating glamour and style, your pithy unarsedness and occasional tinkling laughter as you sip champagne and chat to friends who love you will be repeated stiletto jabs between the ribs of that fuckmuppet. Go, enjoy yourself, and work it girlfriend !

Scatty excellent news that you're feeling so much better and so soon too, I hope it continues to improve.

OWW hope you're feeling a little better this morning.

Hello Kirsty and Pom and , have a lovely Saturday.

Gaga hello, I don't think anyone on here uses eharmony, word on the street is that it's a bit rubbish.

Flipper I think seeing your Ex in a social setting is always going to feel awkward and uncomfortable, and maybe that's what's worrying you. It's not like seeing him in the supermarket or something where you can think 'sod it' and just leave, you know you'll be within some proximity of him all day. Plus there's the uncertainty as well...for me I'd be uneasy thinking 'what if he wants to speak to me and exchange pleasantries, what if he completely ignores me' etc. The way I get through stuff like this is running various scenarios (and my responses) through my head, it helps me feel more in control and calmer...don't know if that will work? Regardless, you will look amazing, go there with head held high and knowing you have your friends to support you. I really hope you have a brilliant time, you deserve to :)

As for me, I'm happy C is in contact, and hopefully I will see him soon once some stuff is more sorted out. I do think he is a lot better than any man I have met or am likely to meet via OD, so I'm not actively looking for anyone else. Yes he's not able to see me as often as (ideally) I'd like, but equally he is honest, nice, attractive, funny, - that's pretty unique among the men I've encountered in the last 4 years. I will want more from him if/when we get to the stage of this being a relationship, but for now it's ok.

Helloooo all. I am off to Liverpool for my meetup.com do

Velvet really glad C has text but he is keeping you dangling again despite you having spoken to him about it. He needs a big fish slap, he really does. It's terribly flaky and crap of him. and rude!! I think it's time now to consider telling him it's your way or the highway. It's a bit ridiculous tbh... snape and nameless are a great example of how it should go... not rushing, but still massive amounts of like and affection and being a couple and it turning to luurrve. And more importantly seeing each other very regularly and both of them finding ways to do that, with eagerness and joy and all those lovely things.

You seem to have told yourself that relationships take months to get off the ground in order to justify hanging around for him but that isn't really true. Plus even if it was it's been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay long enough now and it's time for some proper, regular action!

I don't mean to get at you I just hate seeing you hanging around wasting your time being stuck on someone who continues to piss around and take your patience for granted. Really, enough now, for your sake alone... he has to shit or get off the pot.

morning all, had a lovely evening last night with a group of girlfriends and several bottles of wine ....... missing MrEA who is with his DD this weekend - wet fish needed

OWW hope you are feeling a bit better this morning, not really sure what advice to offer, accept I do think your mum is suffering from some sort of mental episode and needs help. Hugs to you and the DC's

Scatty so pleased you are feeling better and that the fireman has turned out to be so good for you. Funny isn't it, you weren't sure about him at first, but there was something there you liked and he has turned out to be a good 'un.

Velvet glad you heard from C, I actually disagree with the thought that he is stringing you along. It sounds like from everything you have said before that he really likes you, but is scared and not in the right place mentally to date and withdraws and then emerges again. I do agree that you deserve far far more than sporadic contact. BUT, whatever we may all think, only you know what you will accpet and it has to come to the point where you are the one who decides you have had enough and move on. Would it be worth when you do see him to say that you understand all of his worries/concerns and pressures and respect them, but you have your own needs/wish list and see if you could both find a place to move forward to which feels comfortable and fulfils more of what you want. dunno, may be talking rubbish

Flipper feeling very huggy this morning, so hugs for you too .... I think all the advice above is perfect, waft around being wonderful, but I would add, don't drink too much. It's my downfall, so I may be projecting, but it can all get messy after a few glasses and you may be tempted to let a few home truths rip i guess all the other guests would cheer you on if you did though!

Morning kin love and all other daters x

Flipper you are going to be fabulous. You look great, have your favourite glamour pieces on and everyone is behind you in RL and on this thread. Very quickly, you'll forget he's even there. Practice a wry smile, a toss of the head and have a brilliant time.

Velvet please just keep your options open, accept some of the interest that comes your way. I worry that because you are caught up in believing it's C or nothing, it will become self fulfilling. C and most of the men shown meet are punching above their weight.

Lubey have fun, as if we need to remind you. First big trip smoke free, how wonderful!

OWW hope you're holding up, you can only do what you can manage.

Good morning to everyone else

Sparky hasn't been intouch but says he's been online today. Why is it so hard for me to find someone

lubey I get what you're saying, but it's a bit unfair to compare my situation to Snape/ Nameless...C has a lot of demands on his time - 2 sets of children to see regularly (and separately), a busy job, other family stuff going on. So he doesn't have much free time anyway. And if we were seeing each other once a week (which could just about be possible), it kind of becomes a relationship by default which he clearly isn't ready for. He has told me some of the aftermath of his last breakup and it sounds awful, and fully explains his reluctance/fear of anything new. Irrespective of the length of time I've been dating him, I can't demand a relationship from him, I can only ask (Tigsy I think this sort of picks up on what you were suggesting) that we try and strike a balance between more frequent contact/dates - which would please me -and not getting into relationship by default territory - which scares him, and see what he says. But that's really all I can ask at this stage.

Sorry to bang on about this. My mum is now talking about "elder abuse" and has said she is thinking of calling the police. She is very clued up on this subject! She has admitted smacking dd, dd has admitted doing the same to my mum. My mum will not accept apologies or acknowledge even the slightest bit that she is at fault in any way. It seems to me that both sides have behaved badly, but essentially my mum is the adult here and knows smacking is a total no no, but cannot control herself. The nasty things she has said are designed to be particularly hurtful as she knows all our "weak spots". I tried to defend myself she wouldn't let me speak and just said how fed up she is of me speaking to her disrespectfully.

Am appalled by this whole situation. She says i have to tell her that i believe her and not the children, I have to tell her what the children have said (i refused as it would just aggravate the situation) and i have to tell her how they have been punished. She seems to have it all turned round so me and the children are to blame for everything. She has said the children are evil, feral and consummate liars.

I asked her if we can talk and try to sort this out and find a way forward. She refused. She says she is going to pray about the situation and I am not to contact her.

What should/can I do?

Flipper what you said about my mum and my ex is very wise. I've noticed a few uncomfortable similarities.

Sorry you are going through this OWW especially when you've escaped your ex, and now having this situation.

Talking to one of your aunties sounds a good idea, and your mum's GP, but otherwise can only think is better to not contact your mum at all, and arrange alternative childcare as it just sounds like the issues aren't something that can be resolved. Whether it's mental health issues, or simply abusive behaviour, it's not an environment you want your children in is it?

OWW it really does sound as if your mum is delusional, that being the case it wont be possible to deal with her or reason with her.
It sounds very traumatic for you, and I'm wondering if it would be appropriate to contact the psychiatric services?

oww I'd leave her be till she calms down. You won't be able to reason with her whilst she is worked up.

Get out and do something fun in the sunshine with your kids. I always find that being outside helps me to deal with things and come up with a plan of action!!

OWW is it worth speaking to someone at Mind for advice on which professionals to contact about your mum ? I absolutely second what Mercury says - if she is experiencing a psychological crisis, you will not be able to reason with her, she needs help from MH professionals.

Elder abuse is not identified as an incidence of a child 'slapping' an adult so please don't worry about that.

OWW so sorry, you can't fix this. She isnt being rational or reasonable sAll you can do is tell whomever you need to SS, GP (I'm sure others will have a better idea) and withdraw. It's damaging for you and the kids whilst she's like this, no point at all in trying to talk with her it's just going to prolong it.

oww just caught up. So sorry you are going through this, it must be so very difficult for you. It seems to me, form your description that she has always been demanding and controlling and this is now tipping over into mental health issues. I would contact professionals and maintain from a. Distance. What I would not choose to believe her over your DCs (the very idea!) and I would not read any further letter what she leaves for you. I would post them back unopened with a covering note stating that you have found her accusations hurtful and believe them to be untrue. you are therefore no investing any more emotional energy in maintaining a relationship with her until she seeks professional help. This will either utterly enrage her (muhahah) or spur her to action, but either way should help her recognise there is little point in continuing contact. It's actually quite beneficial that she has now chosen not to contact you (having caused great upset) and is choosing to pray to find a solution (snort!) because that removes her. Good. When she instigates contact, I would state the bit about hurtful accusations and inot engaging until she seeks professional help. Now get yourself out in the sunshine if you have it, let your DCs know you're on their team, tell off DD for slapping her granny and don't give it another thought.

velv I'm glad C contacted you, because it makes you happy...and that's really nice to see.... However I am joining in the because you seemed quite resolved a few days ago regarding him, you then get a text and it's a bit back to square one. I kind of imagine him as a giant bar of chocolate and you're trying to shift weight (not saying that you are or need to - this is a metaphor) you know the chocolate is there, but you refuse to engage with the chocolate, you're doing really well - everyone is so supportive, you're looking great... Then you find a tiny bar of green and blacks at the back of a cupboard...and you think a tiny little square wont do any harm... Next thing you know you're at the till at the all-night garage with a huge bar of dairy milk. Chocolate is fab though... (The rest of that analogy is that you're having a square of chocolate a fortnight at the moment and that's enough for you and that's fine.) also tad concerned that sticking your toe back in the water has horrrified you, so you're content with what you have with C. I don't know Velvet. I just hope it works out, I really do.

I was at namelesses last night (yay!) no sex (boo!) he's been poorly with an ear infection, but lots of snogging and cuddling and it's just really lovely. (Sigh) but he's been warned that when he's feeling better, he's getting dragged to his bed the minute I set foot in his flat.

Who was at the wedding? flipper? I hope pure having an amazing day!

Just quickly, OWW sorry about what is happening. I would try and leave your mum out of the childcare rota now. It must be so hard for you.

Velvet, I would personally tell C to take shape up or ship out, sorry, I am a very forgiving person (off out tonight with the ex!!) but he is taking the biscuit and leaving you dangling. I know you were quite cool about the distinct lack of contact but.... anyway, only you know how you want to handle it.

Lubey, wow, you are travelling a fair distance for the meetup, have a fab time and I hope it's worth the journey.

OWW is there a possibility that your mum is suffering from Alzheimer's ?

Sorry you are having to deal with this ..I remember her giving you a hard time over LM too

Western I agree leaving your mum be ftb is best (in fact hopefully as she's said she doesn't want you to contact her, that also means she won't contact you for a while). It will feel odd, because the natural urge when we fall out for whatever reason with those we love is to try and resolve it. But I don't think she is in a place where rational discussion is possible right now. The difficulty is I think if she is generally quite a difficult person other people might well dismiss this as just her 'way' (even though it clearly goes way beyond the bounds of normal behaviour). It's an impossibly difficult situation though and I do hope it can somehow be resolved.

I rather wish I hadn't mentioned anything on Thursday re C. Had I kept my powder dry for another 24 hours or so, I wouldn't now feel I have to explain and justify myself as to why I'm happy against a sea of faces. But I am happy, despite what some of you may think, and I'm not deluding myself either.

I don't think C is the 'only' man out there for me, but there certainly are a tiny, tiny number. I might meet one next week; experience tells me it would be years, maybe even a decade. It's not just that I have bad luck at OD, or that I pick the wrong men, it's ALWAYS been like this. I've mixed in different circles - 3 years at university, surrounded by the alumni of Britain's top public schools - nothing, 4 years working in the City - nothing aside from one appalling (and completely inappropriate on his part) relationship with a man old enough to be my dad. And it didn't get much better after that either.

So I would have to be completely mad to walk away from C, from something that makes me smile, from someone I love spending time with, because chances are I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face, and spend another 4 years, or 8 years or however long waiting for someone half as good to come along. I do want a relationship, C can't offer that right now, but hopefully in the future he will. I won't be giving him any ultimatums though, I can't force him to have a relationship with me! If he doesn't feel differently in due course then I haven't lost anything. He hasn't made promises he can't keep, or played along and let this drift into relationship territory knowing he wasn't ready, he's been open and honest and I appreciate that.

I do get that what's between me and C (whatever is is) may not be enough, or right, for most of you. BUT none of you have my history, you're looking at it from your own viewpoints and your own experience, which is probably much different to mine. I hope we can agree to disagree :) and sorry about the epic-ly self indulgent post

Velvet , is that better. In a way I understand you. It's like me and the ex whom everyone told me to keep away from when I asked for advice. I needed to see how I felt after the break away and I now know that I don't want him to fall at my feet anymore. We enjoy each others company, he is generous, funny, and so long as I know we won't end up together I am happy to keep in touch and have a few fun nights out together. If it changes and I end up wanting more again I will have to rethink.