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Original poster

Falling pregnant is 90% a woman's fault

188 replies

Gingerandhibiscus · 12/04/2013 18:29

Women CAN'T win!!!

REading through a thread on mn here where a single pregnant poster was pasted, interrogated judged and made answer for herself - I feel something like despair. (I don't know how she must feel).

Women don't 'put out' they're prudes and frigid or they have boundaries up around them. Or they're too fussy or too picky, or they're up themselves, or they're ugly, or they're spinsters. or feminists. What criticism are there for men who aren't in a sexual relationship.

if they have unprotected sex they are judged for 1) having had unprotected sex, and 2) if they get pregnant they're judged for not taking the MAP, and not having an abortion.

of course, if they had had an abortion they'd be judged for that too.

The original poster on the thread that has ME slackjawed works so she can't be attacked for seeking benefits. But some posters told her she shouldn't seek maintenance because it's not right given that the father wanted her to have an abortion. Confused others told her she had a duty to seek maintenance on behalf of her child.

another poster told her that his taxes are propping up the running of the CSA. He seemed angry that the law and the state support a single woman in her unplanned pregnancy.

women can't win no matter what they do and what they choose. Unless they get married at about 27-33 to a nice man they'll be judged at some point. You literally can't move as a woman without being judged. ANd not just by men, but by women ... and that upsets me... :-(

OP posts:
5madthings · 13/04/2013 15:16

happy i am.not suprised because even when used properly contraception isnt 100% and mnet is a forum.to.get support. You dont get women seeking support because they have a planned preg. Just like we dont get many threads with people saying how great their husbands are. Its used by people seeking help and support when things are difficult etc. Peoole post to get advice on problems not not when life is fine and dandy.

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 15:16

Berts, to me contraception and the outcome of an unwanted pregnancy are separate issues. What if a couple are very unlucky, she's on the pill, he wears a condom, they both fail, it's possible. He could have no say and no rights, in the outcome of that pregnancy.

I think that's unfair but I have no answer as to how it could be made fair either.

Yes I agree with other posts that have said if a man takes no responsibility for contraception he has nobody to blame but himself and its just tough that he gets no say.

5madthings · 13/04/2013 15:20

Its not unfair its biology and he can still walk away and have no practical role in raising the child. So gets off lightly by just having to pay maintenance which he knew he would have to if there was a pregnancy.

Both parties know the risks and consequences.

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 15:22

Mysterioushamster, I agree with you, it's unfair in a way that life is unfair and nothing can really be done about it.

It just leads to a feeling that the only right men have is the right to pay, whatever their opinion on an unwanted pregnancy is.

And yes I know some men don't do that and some walk away, I wouldn't dream of defending them.

hairtearing · 13/04/2013 15:24

I think I know what thread you're referring too , and as much as some comments about maintenence and abortion were harsh,

I don't think anyone should be pressured into an abortion or go without financial support btw.
But if its the thread I'm thinking of I think people were making a general point about why people continue to sleep around with people who are completely unpleasant, unprotected its not misogyny just curiosity as it doesn't sound much fun.

BertsSweatyPits · 13/04/2013 15:29

Theenemy, my point was if the woman is responsible because she is the one who gets pregnant like you suggested, there could be far more unwanted pregnancies than if they both act responsibly with regards to contraception.

I understand what you mean about unwanted pregnancies when both parties took contraception but even then, the possibility of a baby is always there. Paying for a baby that they haven't chosen to keep may be annoying for a man but its a responsibility he signed up for when choosing to have sex.

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 15:39

Berts, think we're pretty much in agreement then but it was hard work getting there. Smile

expatinscotland · 13/04/2013 15:45

I agree, Puff, but there will be loads of folks who say they cannot use the Pill. Then get a copper coil and use condoms.

Would have been a financial disaster for me and there was no real welfare system where I was from so I always used a belt and braces approach, too, because abortion wasn't for me.

Loads of accidents on here and failures.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2013 15:47

'Its not fair that men can just walk away and ignore the responsibility of their child and then they still moan about paying a pittance for child maintenance. (i dont mean all men btw thankfully there are many great men out there) but to have sex and then try and abdicate responsibility because you didnt want a child is crap.'

We have a system that does this, a system that allows people to walk away from their children and not pay adequately for their support.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 15:58

...so I took the responsibility and didn't rely on anyone else

Umm isn't that what this is about. You chose to actually take responsibility, like men should if they really don't want to risk it.

And women make the choice. Unfair? Maybe, but it's one of the only issues where the choice is the woman's only because of biology. But it's something you should be fully aware of before you go into a sexual encounter.

Oh and I got pregnant on the pill. Took it at the same time every fucking day, wasn't sick etc, was a few months away from going to a very good uni & was devastated . What did the bloke do? He decided I planned it, spread this opinion round our town & was an in&out dad til very recently when the penny dropped for some unknown reason.

I didn't have an abortion, despite being pro-choice, as once I looked into it I knew I couldn't face it. You can't undo a pregnancy, you can only end it.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 16:00

(I felt the need to post as I cannot believe how many women are suspicious of other women...We don't even need men to point the finger at us when we have other women to do it for us) Hmm

5madthings · 13/04/2013 16:03

expat yes we have a system that supports these children (and their mothers) but what is the alternative? We can't just leave and ignore them, simply because its not fair on the child.

We do need to address the issue of parents who abdicate responsibility if their children (and I say parents because some women do it as well) but how do you deal with that issue. I don't think it benefits the child to have a parent in their life who doesn't want to but they do need to be made to be responsible at least financially.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/04/2013 16:04

I think both individuals need to think of the risk before entering into sexual relations. Even with todays contraception, failures still happen and always will happen as nothing is %100 at preventing a possible pregnancy.
I think when a new relationship or a one night encounter the pill & condoms would ensure both parties are taking responsibility for sexual health as well as a pregnancy preventative.

But sometimes swimmers slip the net and i do think its very wrong when a man walks away or doesn't pay his way as some men (not all men) seem to think the blame should all lie with the woman, when clearly it takes sperm & an egg to create life.
It does anger me that a minority of men think that its as simple as the woman going for an abortion, life isn't like that and abortion is something that takes thought and brings with it so many regrets.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 16:07

^ I do think some people think it's a nice tidy thing that has no emotional impact...

My bf at the time said (two seconds after I told him) 'it's ok...we'll sort it'. He was talking about abortion. He still asked why I did it until about a year after DS was born.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 13/04/2013 16:16

I felt the need to post as I cannot believe how many women are suspicious of other women...We don't even need men to point the finger at us when we have other women to do it for us

I agree yonikeepr - apparently no condoms ever split/tear or are faulty in any way at all. No one ever has any issues with taking the pill i.e. side effects, or that it just doesn't work. The coil doesn't ever fail, move/slip/fall out of place. The MAP works every time, never fails. There is no good reason to not have the implant (cos they work 100%) or the injection (ditto 100%). No one should ever really question the lengths you must go to as a woman to prevent pregnancy i.e. long term health issues are nothing to worry our pretty little heads about, because you must, must must do everything you can to prevent a pregancy or you are delibarately trying to get pregnant. If you are not a belts and braces sort of gal, you are actively trying to trap some poor bloke get pregnant.

Hmm
Original poster
Gingerandhibiscus · 13/04/2013 16:20

yes yonikeeper, even if over riding emotion is relief after an abortion, it would still have an impact (varying in degree)

theenemy seems to be saying that women should be/ought to be more responsible.... (BUT he doesnt trus them) and he would like men to have more say in the outcome of pregnancy. hmmm more responsibility for women and fewer rights. i hope that is not typical of male opinion. altho i fear it is.

OP posts:
Theenemy · 13/04/2013 16:27

Ginger, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make things up and put words into my mouth, I don't SEEM to be saying anything. I said men and women equally responsible for contraception, women and men should take care of their contraception and not rely on each other to do it for them. I didn't say men should have more say in the outcome of unwanted pregnancies, I said they had no say, unfair but that's the way it is.

swallowedAfly · 13/04/2013 16:31

you said women should be responsible for contraception. do we really need to copy and paste your own words - it's a pain trawling back through the thread.

swallowedAfly · 13/04/2013 16:32

and i quote, A man and woman are equally responsible for a pregnancy but as its a woman who gets pregnant I think a woman should take responsibility for contraception.

BertsSweatyPits · 13/04/2013 16:34

I already did that swallowedafly and he ignored it other than to say "why did you copy and paste?". Brick wall.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 16:36

Theenemy you clearly have your mind made up.

So why are you still here, on a site that has plenty of women who already have to deal with the same shit storm off their estranged exes/their families etc? i don't think you've really thought about the impact of what you're saying & where you're posting, sorry.

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 16:39

Swallowed, are you being deliberately obtuse? I've already repeated myself on here at least half a dozen times, others seem to understand what I said so why can't you? Copy and paste away to your hearts content. I see no further use in debating the issue with you.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 16:40

Well it is what you said, is it not? Hmm
Or did you jumble your words there

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 16:42

Yoni I'm beginning to think that what you really want is me to leave because I'm a man. I don't have any children, i havent left anyone to deal with my shit, I'm not responsible for the actions of the exes who have left women to deal with their shit.

TheYoniKeeper · 13/04/2013 16:43

Oh for the love of god...I do not care about your gender.

Having one bad ex behind me does not make me a man hater.
You sound narrow minded at best to think so.