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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can he force me to be a SAHM?

85 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:15

As you're probably aware after my previous thread my DH is a jerk to me. He is however good with our kids. Anyway, I've been a SAHM since our eldest was born in July 2010. When then had another in Dec 2011.

DH thinks 'I have it easy' and that I am 'lazy'. He resents me being a SAHM. Yet whenever I try to bring up the topic of me working, he won't discuss it. My wage wouldn't cover childcare.

So am I trapped into being a SAHM? I am so desperately low. I can't do this anymore. With no respect, no appreciation, I just can't do it anymore.

My GP has boosted my antidepressants from 50mg to 100mg. I have a HV coming on Thursday (I've told her I want to return to work).

Am I trapped?

Also am I entitled to job seekers?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2013 17:20

What do you get out of this relationship now, why are you together at all?.

I think the main cause of your depressive state is actually your H.

You are not trapped but really can you imagine another 3- 5 years of this?. What are your children learning from the two of you about relationships here?. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not such an awful role model.

UnChartered · 12/04/2013 17:22

how is he good to the DCs when he treats their mum so badly?

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:24

AttilaTheMeerkat I'm a shit mother. I've been trying to be a good one for years. The children are learning all sorts of shit. Perhaps they should go into care?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2013 17:27

That's not answering the question at all is it. That answer just makes you look defensive as well as silly.

Of course you are not a shit mother, far from it, but your H has and is playing a huge part in how you arrived at this low point in your life now.
Your children won't thank you for remaining with him if you were to choose to.

So what do you get out of this relationship now?.

YoniBottsBumgina · 12/04/2013 17:28

Don't be ridiculous.

You won't be a shit mother when you get rid of the shit husband and start actually having a life that makes you feel like a valid, interesting and capable person.

Bossybritches22 · 12/04/2013 17:33

If you tell someone they are shit often enough they will start to believe it.

It has happened to you & the example you & your DH are showing your kids will also affect them.

You get yourself a job ....any job and get some form of income.

Do NOT repeat DO NOT let him ahve any of the money.

Once you have that bit of confidence and independance then maybe you will see that the problems you are having is fundamentally down to his treatment of you & hopefully you will see that you have a choice.

We ALWAYS have choices, not always brilliant ones but you deserve better & so do your DC keep telling yourself that.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:34

AttilaTheMeerkat it's teaching them all sorts of shit, as I said. WTF do you want me to do?????

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:35

So what do you get out of this relationship now?

Then I'll have 100% of the childcare to deal with. Erm.,.. NO.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 17:38

Leave him. Find a job. He can take care of the kids every other weekend. You get every other weekend child free.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2013 17:39

No, its not about me and what I would want for your life. I honestly think that your depressive state is mainly due to your H and his ongoing abusive behaviours towards you.

I guess you get nothing from this relationship at all do you?.

DontmindifIdo · 12/04/2013 17:39

Really OP, do you really think if you left your H he'd not want any access? You called him a good dad, do you think he would be happy to walk away and never see them again? Of course not.

However, as a single mother, you might be entitled to financial help towards childcare costs if you wanted to work.

what did you do for a living before you had the DCs?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2013 17:40

"Then I'll have 100% of the childcare to deal with. Erm.,.. NO".

And why can you not consider that?.

He's done a right number on you hasn't he?.

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 17:40

People have given you great advice on your threads but you don't want to do anything but moan.

You do have choices. You just don't want to do anything about them but blame your husband. He's part of the problem and so are you.

YoniBottsBumgina · 12/04/2013 17:41

When your HV comes tomorrow, don't just tell her you want to return to work, tell her how your DH is being about it. See what she says.

Personally I would ditch the job hunting for now and get an exit plan in place, then get a job later. You'd be entitled to housing benefit, council tax benefit and tax credits which would also cover a large chunk of childcare. And you wouldn't have to listen to his moaning. (If you don't work you get less in tax credits but also Income Support)

It wouldn't have to be a full time job, not at first. Your eldest will be eligible for a 15 hour nursery place in September if she isn't already, find a childminder who does nursery pick ups or a day nursery which accepts the funding and you're laughing. As the little one gets older your childcare bill will reduce as well.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 17:50

I agree with Attila. It's very hard to read your threads and not want to shout at the screen - leave him! Such a destructive relationship.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 18:02

I dont want to have to deal with the kids MORE than i curently am. hence not leaving

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 18:08

Leave him and the children. When you get a job you csn pay child maintenance snd see them every other weekend.

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 18:10

This way you get no husband, minimal child rearing, and no stress. You can get another degree or find a job without worrying about child care expenses.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2013 18:26

But if you left him you would, more than likely, get help towards most of the childcare costs. You would have to deal with the kids less because you would be at work.

I haven't read your other thread but a man who wouldn't be interested in having access to his own children isn't a good dad he is a cunt.

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 12/04/2013 18:27

OP at the moment you dont want to face reality - it is clear in your posts. You are not happy but you are not prepared to step outside your comfort zone...until you are pushed probably. We can all tell you how much better things will be eventually. We can all tell you that this is not doing your kids any good. You are not ready to hear it. Why dont you hang out at the ea thread for a while.

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 18:29

What is your ideal numbers of hours you want to parent your two children per day? Or how many days do you want to see them?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 18:30

Yes, I'm am very wary of pushing you. It's easy for us to say - harder for you to hear and make a way forward. I think the idea about talking to your HV is a good one

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 18:35

Womens Aid

Ledkr · 12/04/2013 18:35

Oh come on. You'd rather be on high doses of any depressants than dump this idiot and love a happy life with your children?
I just don't get that.
Have you even at least considered breaking up with him and found out your rights to benefits your home etc?

AnyFucker · 12/04/2013 18:36

Op, tell your hv everything and ask for help to leave him. There is assistance if you really want it

Have you ever contacted Womens Aid?

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